The Lords of Malltown/Script

General	Script	Gallery

[Jen and Caitlin walk through Spin This. They pass a guy slurping a soda.]
Caitlin: "Okay, you will not believe how gorgeous this guy is." [They hide behind a stack of records.]
Jen: "Where is he?"
Caitlin: "That's him, at the cash! Eeeee!"
Jen: "Wow, hunk-y. Look at that cute butt."
Caitlin: "I know, right? It looks like it's made of granite!"
Jen: "Is he interested?"
Caitlin: "He looked like he was totally into me yesterday, but–" [She gulps.] "Here he comes! Act normal!"
[Jen and Caitlin pretend to scan the back of a CD case.]
Billy: "Hello again."
Caitlin: "Oh! Hey!"
Billy: [looking at the CD] "Oh, so you're DNA fans too, huh?" [tossing the CD to the DJ] "Yo! Chad! Special request!"
Caitlin: "This is Jen."
Billy: "Hey."
Jen: "Hey."
Billy: "Have you guys met my buddy Carl?"
[Billy gestures towards the soda-slurper. Jen and Caitlin are taken aback.]
Caitlin: "Uh..."
Jen: [awkwardly] "H-hi."
Caitlin: "Oh. You two are friends." [She giggles awkwardly.]
Billy: "Carl and I go way back."
Carl: [to Jen] "You have a cute butt too."
Jen: "Ew!" [She moves away from him. DNA starts to play.]
Billy: "All right!" [He begins to play air guitar. When he finishes, Caitlin claps.]
Caitlin: "That was awesome!"
Billy: "I did it just for you."
Caitlin: "It looked really good."
[Carl resumes staring at Jen's butt.]
Billy: "Thanks."
Jen: "You can stop looking at my butt any time now."
[Carl looks away and takes another drag on his soda.]

---

The opening credits roll.
The title of this episode is
The Lords of Malltown

---

[Jude holds on to the back of Wyatt's shirt and gets a tow as Wyatt walks through the mall holding a coffee.]
Wyatt: "Aw, man. We're late for work again. Wayne's gonna roast our butts!"
Jude: "Relax, dude, Wayne's cool." [They make it to work.] "Hey dude."
Wayne: [not moving from his spot] "Late again, I see."
Wyatt: "We can explain! There was this huge lineup at the bank, and–"
Wayne: "Chill my brother, there's no need for drama, just hand over my suckup coffee."
Wyatt: "But that was–"
Wayne: "Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah." [He beckons for the coffee.]
Wyatt: "...mine." [He hands over his coffee.]
Jude: [putting his hand on Wayne's shoulder] "Told you dude, Wayne's cool."
Wayne: "Jude? Hand?" [Jude removes his hand.]
Wyatt: "Wayne, you're the second person today to tell me to chill. Do you think I'm too uptight?"
Wayne: "Does a fish have lips?"
Wyatt: "But I can be cool!"
Jude and Wayne: "Really?"
Wyatt: [rolling up his sleeve] "Check out this crazy tattoo action. I got it on a dare!"
Wayne: "What is it, a tadpole?"
Wyatt: "It's a music note!"
Wayne: [pulling out a magnifying glass] "Are you sure that's not a mole? 'Cause it looks like a mole. You seeing this?"
Jude: "Uh-huh." [dropping his pants] "My tattoo kicks his tattoo's butt!"
Wayne: [covering his eyes] "Ugh!"
Wyatt: "Put that away, man!"
[Jude pulls up his pants and chuckles. Jonesy walks in.]
Jonesy: [rushed] "Yo, I need a disguise, fast. You guys still have those fake mustaches?"
Jude: "Not on me, bro."
Wyatt: "Sorry, man."
Greeter Goddess: "Hi. Um, could you recommend a video for a cozy night at home on the couch?"
Wyatt: "Tangle Me Later is good. It's a commentary on guy-girl relationships. Very poignant."
[The girls stare at him, perturbed.]
Jude: "Riding Monster Waves 2. Definitely."
Greeter Goddess: "Oh, sounds intense."
Jonesy: "You may not want to watch that one alone, ladies. Need a little company on that couch?"
[The two ladies giggle.]
Wyatt: "We have a Moondance Film Festival section I can show you."
[Once again, the girls stare at him, overwhelmed by the awkwardness of the situation.]
Greeter Goddess: "...we'll take the Monster Wave." [Jude hands it over.] "Thanks for the advice, guys!"
[The girls leave the store. Wyatt watches, uncomfortable.]
Wyatt: "I don't get it. Why'd they completely ignore me?"
Jonesy: "Two words: up, and tight."
Wyatt: "No I'm not!"
Jude: "You're tighter than an airlock."
Wyatt: [shocked] "What?"
Jonesy: "You're so tight you squeak, man."
[Wyatt moves his lip, and it squeaks against his teeth. He swiftly covers his mouth.]

---

[Billy, Carl, Caitlin, and Jen are still hanging out inside the record store.]
Billy: "Hey, do you like comic books?"
Caitlin: "Yes!"
Jen: "No."
Billy: "Because Nitro Bob is signing his graphic novel at Books, Music, and Beyond tonight. We could check it out then see a flick!"
Jen: "Nitro who?"
Carl: "Nitro Bob? He's the genius behind such classic comics as Nitro Bob Kicks Butt and Nitro Bob: The Man, The Legend?"
Jen: "We're pretty busy."
Caitlin: [simultaneously] "We'd love to."
[Jen and Caitlin look at each other.]
Jen and Caitlin: "Excuse us." [They walk over to another section of the store.]
Jen: "I am not going on a double date with Big Slurp over there, so you can just forget it!"
Caitlin: "Oh, please, please, please? Billy is so amazing. You saw us together. I think he might be The One." [Jen rolls her eyes.] "We can't blow this."
Jen: "We?!?"
Caitlin: "Just one date. Once Billy and I get to know each other better, you'll never have to speak to Carl again."
Jen: "Agghoookay, fine. But just this once."
Caitlin: [hugging her] "Oh thank you thank you thank you!"

---

[Wyatt exits Grind Me with two coffees just in time to see Stanley leave a stinking pile of vomit on the mall linoleum. A janitor comes along and, after looking around, shoves it under a bench. He walks by Wyatt, who stares, perturbed by the janitor's familiar figure and manner.]

---

[A long line is in the Khaki Barn. Nikki is working the register while on her phone. Caitlin is at the front of the line.]
Nikki: "Hold on, Jen." [to Caitlin] "Are you sure you want to spend this much on a hair clip?"
Caitlin: "I have to look perfect for my date tonight with Billy. I'm so nervous!"
Jen: [over the phone] "She's nervous? You should see who I have to spend the night with!"
Caitlin: [talking into Nikki's ear] "I'd do it for you in a second!"
Jen: "She has no idea how gross this guy is!"
Nikki: "Uh, do I have 'Free Phone Minutes' written on my forehead? Jen, you're a good friend. Caitlin, you owe her one. Okay?" [Caitlin nods.] "Okay. Done."
Caitlin: "Thanks Nikki! Wish me luck!" [She leaves.]
Female Customer and Nikki: [simultaneously] "Finally!" [Wyatt arrives with two cups of coffee.]
Nikki: "Where have you been? I've been caffeine free for like five hours!"
Wyatt: "You're welcome." [pulling out his headphones] "Here. Listen to my newest song."
[Nikki puts them on and starts listening.]
Wyatt's Recorded Voice: "When you dumped me, you made me feel like a long-lost puppy. Crying all the time." [Nikki winces, but Wyatt nods, excited.] "I thought you and I would fly so high. Like butterflies." [Nikki is not enjoying the song. Wyatt stops the music.]
Wyatt: "What's wrong with it?"
Nikki: "Honestly? You're in a rut. Your dumped and heartbroken thing is totally tired. And your sound is kind of, uh, what's the word...uh..."
Wyatt: "Uptight?"
Nikki: "Yes! Yes, that's the word I was looking for!"
Wyatt: [freaking out] "So it's true! I am uptight! Even my music sucks now! I've got to do something!"
[Wyatt grabs his stuff and bolts, ripping the headphones off of Nikki's head.]
Nikki: "Hey! Ow."

---

[At Underground Video, Wyatt is consulting Jude.]
Wyatt: "I've fallen into a rut and I can't get out! You're the only one who can help me!"
Jude: "Bro, I can offer you freedom from your rut, I can introduce you to the inner world of the skater. If you're ready for it."
Wyatt: "Oh, I'm ready!" [Jude picks up his spare skateboard.]
Jude: "The first thing you've gotta do is say hello to this little dude!"
Wyatt: "Um, hello?"
Jude: "Show him who's boss. Watch this." [He tosses the board in the air, catches it with one finger, spins it on the tip, tosses it again, and grabs it.] "Du-hooed!" [He tosses it to Wyatt.]
Wyatt: "Oof!" [He tosses it in the air and catches it.] "Dude."
Jude: "Sweet! Now you're ready to take this little man for a spin."

---

[The janitor is sweeping up. In the background, Jen and Caitlin walk by.]
Jen: "Maybe we should have a code word, in case I really need to get the heck out of there."
Caitlin: "Jen, it'll be fine!"
Jen: "How do you know that? You only met Billy–" [Caitlin stops her.] "What?"
[Jen and Caitlin stare at the janitor.]
Caitlin: "Does that cleaning guy look familiar to you?"
Jen: "Yeah...a little."
[The janitor looks around and then dumps the trash he just cleaned up into a potted plant. The girls shrug and move on.]

---

[Caitlin and Jen walk up to Billy and Carl at the comic book signing.]
Billy: "You made it!"
Caitlin: "Hi."
Carl: "Let's go meet Bob!"
[Carl goes over to the artist's table and slams a huge bunch of comic books down. The artist, a bald man, starts signing his autograph on them.]
Carl: "You wanna see my Nitro Bob tattoo?"
Nitro Bob: "No."
[The other three join Carl at the table.]
Caitlin: [to Jen] "Please say something to Carl. Billy thinks you don't like him."
Jen: "He's right." [She sighs.] "So, Carl, what are these buttons for?"
Carl: "I wore them for Bob."
Jen: [reading] "I like Nitro booty? Pull my glowing finger?"
[Nitro Bob looks up, slightly disturbed.]
Billy: [to Caitlin] "Hey, come to the travel section with me. I'll show you where I wanna go after graduation."
Caitlin: "Okay!" [The two walk away, leaving Jen with Carl.]
Jen: "Hey, where are you going?"
Billy: "Nepal!"
Nitro Bob: [to Carl] "This your woman?"
Carl: "Yeah!" [Jen looks at him angrily.] "...I mean no."

---

[Jude and Wyatt are by the escalators.]
Jude: "This is your time, bro."
Wyatt: "Is there anything I need to know?"
Jude: "Wyatt, dude, skateboarding is all about getting into the right headspace. In the eyes of a skater, every open space is an opportunity to crank up your speed! Every garbage can is a potential hurdle to conquer!!!"
Wyatt: "Conquer. Right. Um, aren't you going to tell me where to put my feet or something?"
Jude: "There are only two crucial steps in learning to skateboard. Number one: get a board. Number two: Ride it." [He hands his spare skateboard to Wyatt.]
Wyatt: "Okay then." [Jude puts the skateboard on the escalator handle, and Wyatt gets on, wobbling.] "AAAH!"
Jude: "This escalator is yours, dude. Own it."
Wyatt: "You are mine, escalator!" [Jude gives Wyatt a push, and Wyatt wipes out, falling down the moving stairs.] "AAH! Ooh-ooh-aah-unk-oog-oog AAH! AUGH!" [He crashes.] "Uuuunnnhhh..."
Jude: "Huh." [He goes down the escalator normally.] "Maybe we should take some baby steps first."

---

[Billy, Caitlin, Carl and Jen have gone to the movies.]
Actress: "Hey Tina, did you invite the rugby team?" [Caitlin and Billy laugh.]
Rugby Player: "Whassup? We're here to trash your house!" [Carl laughs until he burps, disgusting Jen.]
Actress: "Guys, get off the chandelier! And who brought the tiger?"
[Carl, seeing Billy's arm around Caitlin, moves to do the same with Jen, but is warded off by her glare.]

---

[Wyatt is rather dinged up after his escalator escapade, but has come back for more.]
Jude: "Check it out! An alley-oop fish-brain bird twist!" [He performs the trick, and Wyatt gasps.] "Surf's up, Wyatt man!"
Wyatt: "All right." [He skates forward slowly.] "Check it out."
[Wyatt rams into a potted plant and flops over. The two girls from the video store giggle at him.]
Wyatt: "Okay, this is seriously embarrassing. I look like a joke."
Jude: "Hmm. What you need, dude, is a little privacy. Follow me."

---

[The girls are hanging out by the giant lemon.]
Caitlin: "I've never met anyone like Billy before. Not only is he cute, he's the funniest guy I've ever met!"
Nikki: "And how was your loverboy, Jen?"
Jen: "I've had more fun popping my own zits than I did last night! Maybe I'm being a little overcritical, but I like guys who play sports, who don't talk about how great their last burp was–" [Caitlin's phone rings.]
Caitlin: "Hi Billy!" [She giggles.] "Tomorrow afternoon? Yeah, I'm free."
Nikki: "Uh oh."
Jen: "Don't worry. Caitlin already promised no more double dates."
Caitlin: "Jen? Oh. I don't know." [Jen gives her the hairy eyeball.] "She's pretty busy with practice and stuff." [She gives Jen a thumbs up.] "O-oh. Well, okay. Sure. She'll be there." [She hangs up.]
Jen: "Tell me you didn't just book me on another double date." [Caitlin doesn't.] "Are you out of your mind?!?"
Caitlin: "But Billy and Carl are best buddies and Carl doesn't have anyone else to hang out with. Isn't that sweet?"
Jen: "You wouldn't think it was so sweet if you spent an evening sitting next to a human fart machine!"
Caitlin: "It won't be like a date. It'll just be four people having lunch together for like forty-five minutes. I promise."
Jen: "Mmph! I don't know."
Caitlin: "Please please please?"
Jen: "Fine! Forty-five minutes! Not forty-six."
Caitlin: "Eeeeee-hee-hee!"
Jen: "I'm gonna regret this, aren't I?"
Nikki: "Undoubtedly."

---

[Jude and Wyatt enter the back halls of the mall.]
Jude: "Welcome to your very own private skateboarding school. You can wipe out as many times as you want here, humiliation-free."
Wyatt: "I dunno, Jude. Maybe I'm just not the risk-ta–"
Jude: "Ssh. I see now that the escalator was probably a bad call, but don't worry. You'll be riding this mall like a giant wave in no time, bro!" [pointing to an easel] "First we'll fix your stance."
[Jude teaches Wyatt how to skate and do tricks. While at first Wyatt continually wipes out, on occasion crashing into Jude, as the hours go by he starts to learn and eventually nails a trick.]
Jude: "Yes! You killed that one!"
[Wyatt and Jude hi-five. The janitor then enters and removes his beard, mustache, and sunglasses.]
Wyatt: "Jonesy?"
Jonesy: "Aaah!" [He swiftly replaces his disguise. It lands on his face askew. His friends stare at him, and he takes it off again.] "Okay. I'm busted."
Jude: "What's with the disguise, dude?"
Jonesy: "Isn't it obvious? I don't want anyone to know I'm the mall janitor. My street cred will plummet!"
Wyatt: "What's wrong with being a janitor? You've had worse jobs than this."
Jude: "Yeah, remember when you had to dress up like a giant banana?"
Wyatt: "And a soup can?"
Jude: "Oh, and that milkmaid costume? That was way worse, dude."
Jonesy: "My plan is to do this for about three weeks, save up some green, then ride out the rest of the year work-free."
Wyatt: "That would be two weeks and six days longer than you've kept any other job."
Jude: "Good luck, dude." [Jonesy puts his disguise back on.]
Jonesy: "I've gotta go. Just don't tell anyone. Especially Nikki."
Wyatt: "Don't worry. It's in the vault."
[Jonesy leaves.]
Jude: "Wyatt, you've mastered the basics. Now, it's time to PLAY!"

---

[Ron is standing just outside the security office. From behind a pole, Jude and Wyatt spy on him.]
Jude: "I like to call this particular game 'Annoy the Rent-a-Cop.' Follow my lead."
[Jude skates out and slaps Ron's hat, spinning it around on the mall cop's head.]
Ron: "Dah!"
[Wyatt skates by and slaps Ron's butt.]
Ron: "Goh!"
Wyatt: [to himself] "Payback!"
Ron: [angrily staring after them] "Maggot."

---

[There are four people having lunch at El Sporto's.]
Billy: [offering Caitlin a bite of his food] "C'mon, I know you want some."
Caitlin: [giggling] "Cut it out! Okay, maybe one." [She takes the bite.]
Jen: [bitter] "Just four people having lunch, huh?"
Carl: "Want one of my fries?"
Jen: "Caitlin, bathroom break. Now."
[She drags Caitlin to the restroom. Inside, Caitlin fixes her makeup while Jen paces.]
Jen: "Okay, Carl thinks he's on a date with me. Which isn't surprising, since we might as well be alone at the table!" [This gets no response.] "Hel-loo? Caitlin?"
Caitlin: [dreamily] "Did you see the way Billy looked at me?" [She sighs.] "He has the cutest smile."
Jen: "Okay, whatever you do, just don't leave me alone with Carl."
Jonesy: "Washroom check!"
[Jonesy enters the bathroom with his janitor's cart. He recognizes his friends as they recognize him.]
Caitlin, Jonesy, and Jen: "AAAAHHH!"
Caitlin: "Jonesy? Is that you?"
Jen: "Why are you wearing a beard? And checking washrooms?"
Jonesy: "I'm trying to keep this gig on the QT."
Caitlin: "Why?"
Jen: "You're not embarrassed, are you?"
Jonesy: "Nah. Just don't tell Nikki."
Caitlin: "Deal. C'mon, Jen! Billy's waiting!"
[Caitlin drags Jen out, and Jonesy looks around the bathroom. The bathroom is a dump.]
Jonesy: "Washroom: check. Still here."
[Jonesy leaves the bathroom.]

---

[While the girls were out, Billy and Carl were talking.]
Billy: "Carl, c'mon, man. I really don't want to blow it with this girl. Caitlin's the real thing. Just try to show some manners around Jen."
Carl: "Sorry, Billy."
Billy: "No worries."
Carl: "No, I'm 'sorry.'"
[Billy sniffs the air and swiftly pinches his nose shut.]
Billy: "Ah, no, Carl! That's disgusting!"
Carl: [chuckling] "Silent. But. Deadly." [The girls return.]
Caitlin: "We're back." [She gets a whiff of the air.] "UCH!"
Jen: "UGH!"

---

[Ron is just outside Grind Me with a coffee when Jude rides by.]
Jude: "Hey, how's it going?"
Wyatt: [stealing Ron's coffee] "Thanks, man."
Ron: "Hey!"
[Later, Ron is at the base of some stairs when he hears a noise. He turns around and quickly ducks as Jude and Wyatt jump over him.]
Ron: [chasing them] "Hey, come back here, punk!"
[Jude and Wyatt ride by Vegan Island, where Starr gives them each a bean burrito. Jude starts eating his, while an unappetized Wyatt throws his back at Ron.]
Ron: "Hey–" [The burrito hits him in the mouth. He pulls it out and throws it on the floor, but looks up into the eyes of an angry janitor.]

---

[Billy whispers something into Caitlin's ear.]
Caitlin: "Billy and I are going to go check out a matinee."
Jen: "Caitlin..."
Caitlin: [giving her wallet to Jen] "Here. Lunch and dessert are on me."
[Billy and Caitlin walk out, leaving Jen alone with Carl.]
Jen: "Well, I'm outta here."
Carl: "You wanna, y'know, hook up again later or something?"
[Jen sighs and slaps her forehead.]
Jen: "Look. Nothing personal, but I am not, nor will I ever be even remotely interested in you, Carl."
Carl: [flinching] "Sheesh. You ever heard of the word no?"
Jen: "Sorry. I just don't like being set up with people. Especially ones who fart at dinner."
Carl: "I hear ya." [getting up] "Billy's a good guy, and he's really into your friend."
Jen: "Yeah, well, Caitlin's pretty amazing too. Most of the time."
Carl: "Yeah. You did her a pretty big favor. I'd say she owes you." [He wiggles his eyebrows.]
Jen: [catching on] "How big do you think she owes me exactly?"
Carl: "Really obscenely massively big time owes you!"
Jen: [holding up Caitlin's wallet] "Waitress!"

---

[Down by the lemon, Wyatt is hanging out with Jude and Nikki, eating pizza and drinking coffee.]
Wyatt: "This is the best cup of coffee I've ever had!"
Jude: "Dude." [He hi-fives Wyatt.]
Greeter Goddess: "Wyatt!" [The girls from earlier come up to him.] "You were amazing out there earlier on your skateboard. The way you totally harrassed that rent-a-cop was so hot!"
[The two girls titter and walk away.]
Cap-clad Teenager: "Death moves out there, Wyatt."
Nikki: "Nice, Wyatt!"
Wyatt: "Oh yeah! I'm out of my rut."
[The janitor walks by the table. Seeing Nikki, he quickly averts his eyes, but Nikki notices something familiar and slaps a pizza slice onto a chair.]
Nikki: "Oops! Oh, excuse me, cleaning staff? We have a spill over here!" [Jonesy comes back, takes the pizza slice, and begins to walk away.] "Mmm, I think you missed a spot." [Jonesy comes back and begins to clean up.] "Have we met before? Because I think that beard of yours is really hot."
Jonesy: "Okay, who told her?!?" [His friends laugh.] "Bring it on. You got some janitor jokes for me? Wanna tell me how rank I smell, huh?"
Nikki: "I don't care about your job. Can't be any worse than working at the Tacky Barn."
Jonesy: [removing his disguise] "I guess I won't be needing these anymore."
Wyatt: "So Jude, I had the most awesome idea ever for doing ramp tricks."
Jude: "What's that, dude?"
Wyatt: "We get Jonesy over here to help us empty the fountain, then we take it over as skateboard central!"
Nikki: "Are you nuts? You're running out of limbs to break as it is."
Wyatt: "Okay, okay."
Jude: "That sounds a little intense, dude, even for me." [He and Wyatt bump fists.]

---

[Billy and Caitlin are at the movies.]
Billy: "So, Caitlin, I think you're really special, and I'd like to see more of you. A lot more."
[A man in the row behind them spills his soda all over Billy's shirt.]
Moviegoer: "Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry."
Billy: "No worries."
[Billy takes off his shirt, and Caitlin gasps. Billy has perfect pectorals.]
Caitlin: "Mmm. Mmm-mmm-mmm."
[Billy turns around to wring out his shirt, and she gasps again. His back is speckled with acne.]
Caitlin: "Oh my gosh! What happened to your back?"
Billy: "It's just a bit of acne. Now, where were we?"
[Caitlin grins nervously.]

---

[Five of the friends are by the Big Squeeze, with Jen the only exception. Caitlin is crying.]
Jen: [walking up] "Hey Caitlin. Here's your wallet."
Caitlin: [sad] "Billy and I broke up."
Jen: "Oh no! What happened."
Nikki: "He had–" [faking horror] "–bacne!"
Jen: "Uh-huh. And?"
Caitlin: "And that's it. It was so gross, Jen!"
Jen: "I don't believe this! You broke up with Billy because of a pimple on his back?"
Caitlin: "There were like, twenty."
Jen: "So you forced me and Carl to sit through two double-dates to help you hook up with The One, and you go and dump him for a skin condition?!? And I was actually starting to feel bad about yesterday!"
Wyatt: "Why?"
Jen: "Well, after the restaurant, Carl and I went to the arcade, and then the amusement park, and Caitlin paid for the whole thing."
[Caitlin gasps and looks inside her far-too-light wallet.]
Jonesy: "Good one!"
[The friends laugh, and Caitlin thunks her head against the counter of the lemon.]
Jen: "Thanks for a great evening, Caitlin!"

---

[On the small stage at Grind Me, Wyatt is tuning his Les Paul. His friends are in the audience.]
Nikki: [to Jonesy] "Shouldn't you be at work?"
Jonesy: [eating chips] "Nope, got canned. Something about a bunch of complaints?"
Jude: "Sorry to hear that, dude."
Jonesy: "I just wish I'd kept my disguise on. I could have re-applied as myself this time."
Wyatt: [into the microphone] "Hey." [The crowd cheers.]
Wayne: [heckling him] "So are we gonna hear you whine about Serena dumping you again?"
Wyatt: "Serena who?" [He kicks into his new song.] "Check it out/I been down and out/Took the long way down the track/But now I'm back..." [Jen giggles happily.] "Something had to change, now I take life day to day/And live for the now.../Oh live for the now."
Jude: "Woo-hoo-hoo!"
Wyatt: "Live for the now/I live for the now...yeah." [He brings the song to a close and is applauded.]