[A gigantic sale is going on inside the Khaki Barn.]
Kristen: [walking around] "Have a Khaki Day! Have a Khaki Day! Khaki Day!"
Kirsten: [to a customer] "Here's your flocked hoodie! Capris? Petite line?"
Kristen: [throwing some clothes down] "Ooh, my arms are burning!"
Kirsten: "Stop, drop and roll!" [Both throw themselves to the ground and start rolling.]
Chrissy: [furiously working the register] "Nikki? Oh, where is she?!?"
[Nikki is napping in a changing room. Suddenly, Chrissy kicks the door open.]
Nikki: [waking up] "Huh? Break time already?"
Chrissy: "Have you forgotten that today is our biggest sale of the year?"
Nikki: "Of course not. Why do you think I'm hiding back here?"
[Chrissy begins to growl. She has a look of frighteningly excessive anger in her eyes.]
Nikki: "Uh, Chrissy? You okay?"
[Nikki has been given a sandwich board and forced to stand outside the Khaki Barn.]
Nikki: "Stupid–wooden torture device." [Stanley shoots her.] "Hey! Stop it!" [Nikki topples to the ground.] "Ugh, kill me now."
The opening credits roll.
The title of this episode is
[Caitlin and Jen are walking through the mall.]
Caitlin: "I can't wait to get to the Khaki Barn! Sale prices plus Nikki's discount equals major shoppage."
Jen: [checking her cell phone] "Aww! Travis just sent me another picture. It sucks that he's away training, but the long distance thing is kinda romantic." [They come across a still downed Nikki.] "Nikki!"
[Jen and Caitlin help Nikki up.]
Jen: "What happened?"
Nikki: [angry] "Chrissy happened!"
[The guys walk up. Jude is laughing.]
Jude: "Dude. You're a giant sandwich."
Nikki: "Yeah, yeah, laugh it up."
Chrissy: [appearing out of nowhere with Kristen and Kirsten] "Well? Have you learned your lesson?"
Nikki: "You know what?" [removing the board] "I have. Take your sandwich board and eat it!"
[The Clones gasp as Nikki flings the board to the ground.]
Nikki: "I quit!"
[Most of the gang walk past the fountain.]
Jen: "I can't believe you quit your job."
Nikki: "I know! I'm free!" [They sit down on a bench.] "No more Chrissy, no more Clones, no more EEEE!"
[Everyone covers their ears at Nikki's shrill screech.]
Caitlin: "How will I ever shop there again without your discount?"
Nikki: "I'm sure you'll manage somehow."
Jen: "How will you manage without a job?"
Nikki: "Oh yeah. That."
Wyatt: "Burger McFlipster's is hiring."
Nikki: "Thanks, but there's no way I'm working with Wayne. Bleuggh."
Jen: "I don't think there are job openings anywhere in the mall."
Caitlin: "Ooh! One of those cooking stores is opening on the third level."
Jen: "They're opening a Counter Measures? You have to apply there!"
Nikki: "Mmm, I dunno. Me and cooking don't exactly go hand in hand."
Jude: [skating up] "Dudes! You gotta come quick! Rock Maniac is in!"
Jen: "What's Rock Maniac?"
Jonesy: "Only the best game ever invented!"
Wyatt: "You mean that musical abomination where gamers delude themselves into thinking they can really play music?"
Jude: "That's the one, bro!"
Nikki: "Well, have fun gaming. I'm gonna go humiliate myself at a cooking store."
Jen: "I'll come along for moral support."
Jude: [air guitaring] "Weow weow we weow!"
Wyatt: "I'm gonna get a coffee. Maybe I'll catch up with you later."
Jude: "Someone's gotta rock with me, dudes! You can't play it alone."
Jonesy: "Just try to keep me away!"
Caitlin: "Don't you have a new job to go to?"
Jonesy: "Nope, already fired."
[Jen and Nikki walk through the new cooking store.]
Jen: "Mmm, it smells so good in here! Ooh, baking tutorials!" [She gasps.] "I should bake a care package for Travis! Our two-week anniversary is coming up."
[A woman strides by.]
Nikki: [sighing] "Here goes nothing." [to the woman] "Excuse me? Are you still hiring?"
Morty: "We have several openings in the baking department. But are you sure you're qualified?"
Nikki: [happily] "Not a b–" [Jen elbows her.] "Ow!"
Jen: "Nikki is an amazing baker. She'll be a model employee. I personally guarantee it."
Morty: "Well, we are woefully understaffed." [holding out a book] "Here's our handbook. All employees start on probation."
Nikki: "Okay, this is crazy, I can't–"
Jen: [reading the handbook] "We offer staff a stock lounge, private restrooms, and a starting pay of double minimum wage." [surprised] "What?"
Nikki: "Let's get baking!"
[Wyatt and a girl are waiting for coffee at Grind Me.]
Barista: "Who ordered the Colossal Organic Smotchulan Roast black?"
Wyatt and Lacey: "Me!" [surprised] "Oh!"
Lacey: "I thought I was the only one around here who liked my beans organic."
Wyatt: "If it isn't pure, I go without."
Lacey: "Exactly! I'm Lacey. And you're cute."
Wyatt: "People also call me Wyatt."
Lacey: [checking her watch] "Oh no! I gotta go. Job interview."
Wyatt: "Oh. Yeah, me too. I have to go mock my friends while they play rock star with little plastic controllers."
Lacey: "You mean that video game? Uch. That thing's a crime against music."
Wyatt: "That's what I said!" [He hands Lacey her coffee, and she giggles.]
Lacey: [handing over a piece of paper] "Here's my number. Don't lose it!"
[Lacey winks at Wyatt and walks out of the store.]
Wyatt: "Thank you, caffeine addiction!" [He takes a long drag from his cup.]
[Jonesy, Caitlin, and Jude are in the empty store. Jude has set up a stage on one end.]
Caitlin: "Jude, it's a ghost town in here!"
Jude: "I know, bra. No people, no stress. Just uninterrupted gaming action."
Jonesy: "C'mon, c'mon, less chat and more rockin'."
Jude: "'Kay, who wants to play what?"
Jonesy: "Lead singer! Called it, I was born to be a frontman, check it!" [He pretends to be fronting a band.] "Wyatt, just in time!" [Wyatt walks in.]
Wyatt: "What can I say? Today I am on my game."
Caitlin: "Why do you have that goofy smile on your face?" [figuring it out] "You met someone!"
Wyatt: "Her name's Lacey. We both like organic beans."
Jonesy: "Wow, lame!"
Wyatt: "And she also thinks this video game's a pathetic waste of time."
Caitlin: "That's great, Wyatt! The best couples always have lots in common."
Jude: "I know it goes against your penal code, or whatever, but do you want to rock the guitar anyway, dude?"
Wyatt: "Why not? Nothing can bug me right now. But, obviously I'm gonna have an unfair advantage."
Jonesy: "Caitlin, grab the sticks!"
Caitlin: "No way! Drums cause bulging veins and unsightly pit stains."
Wyatt: "Real drums, maybe. You'll never break a sweat doing this."
Caitlin: [sitting behind the drum set] "I guess I could try. Ooh! I can watch myself in the gold mirrors!"
Wyatt: "Uh, those are cymbals."
Caitlin: "Whatever. I look good!"
Jude: "Cool. And I'm on bass. The thinking man's guitar."
Wyatt: "Not even gonna touch that one."
Caitlin: "So, how do we play?"
Jonesy: "Just watch the screen, and when the lights come up, hit the matching button on your controller."
Wyatt: "Wooowww, just like in a real band."
[The band starts playing. Caitlin's drumming is a little shaky.]
Caitlin: [giggling] "I'm doing it!"
Jude: [jamming] "Righteous!"
Jonesy: "Whoa, Jude, nice! Wyatt, you're up!"
[Wyatt starts playing the guitar and fails miserably.]
Wyatt: "What th–it's not working." [The band fails on the strength of Wyatt's lousy guitar work.]
Jude: [snickering] "You've gotta stop trying to play it like it's a guitar, dude."
Wyatt: "But it is!"
Jude: "Nah, bro. It's a controller."
Caitlin: "Can I try the guitar this time? It'll really bring out the green in my eyes."
Wyatt: "I'm telling you, it's broken!"
Jude: "Let me set it to autodrum." [He fiddles with the settings.] "Okay, once more from the top!"
[The band starts playing. Everything goes perfectly.]
Wyatt: "What? Oh, come on!"
Caitlin: "Eee! I'm a rock star!"
[Nikki is at a cooking station.]
Nikki: "Okay. Baking. How hard can it be?" [She opens a bag of flour, and dust poofs into her face. She coughs.] "Ooh." [Noticing her boss, she waves.]
[More gamers have come in to watch the show.]
Darth: "I say, what have we here? A rock and oh roll emulator of some kind?"
Wyatt: "No. Just a way for deluded wannabes to pretend they have talent."
Jonesy: "Get ready to bask in my mighty glow!"
Wyatt: "Like I was saying."
Jonesy: [in a very high-pitched voice] "Rock and roll, it's in my soul!" [normally] "What's up with this thing?"
Wyatt: [laughing] "Oh yeah, that's cool."
Jonesy: [helium-voiced] "Hear my name and light my flame!" [normally] "Okay, seriously?"
Darth: [grabbing the mike and singing in a deep voice, like a gravel-voiced Jim Morrison] "Baby I'm driving you insane/Got my number in your brain."
Jonesy: "What? No fair! How come he sounds heavy?"
Wyatt: "Says here the mike is designed to enhance your natural singing ability. Guess you don't have any."
Darth: "I must buy this game so I can serenade my spicy little taco girl all night long!"
Jude: "Sorry, Jedi dude, it's not for sale."
Wyatt: "He doesn't mean your copy, dude."
Jude: "'Kay, but it's the only one I have."
Jonesy: "You only ordered one copy of the hottest game of the year?"
Jude: "You only need one copy to play it."
Caitlin: "But what about selling it to your customers?"
Jude: "Never had any before, bra."
Pre-Teen Boy: "You've gotta be kidding me!"
Jude: "Whoa whoa whoa, easy does it, gamey dudes!"
Lacey: [walking in] "Hi Wyatt." [She is dressed exactly like Wyatt.]
Wyatt: "Hi Lacey." [confused] "Nice...outfit."
Lacey: "You too. So, I got the job."
Wyatt: "Wow, congrats! Uh, these are my friends. Guys, this is Lacey."
Caitlin: [not paying attention] "Uh huh. Ooh, high score, eee!"
Jonesy: [helium-voiced] "Rock and roll–" [normally] "–come on!"
Wyatt: "They're usually more receptive."
Lacey: "I have to go anyway. My first shift's about to start. Later." [She kisses him and leaves.]
Wyatt: "Hey, Caitlin? Is it possible for a couple to have too much in common?"
Caitlin: "Huh? Oh, no. Common interests are crucial. The more the merrier."
Wyatt: "If you say so."
[Jen is trying to fit a customer with skis when her phone rings.]
Jen: "Hang on." [She leaves the customer in an uncomfortable position and answers her phone.] "Calling to gloat about your awesome new job?"
Nikki: "Calling to panic, thanks! 'Cause I'm gonna get fired!"
Jen: "C'mon, baking isn't that hard. You're using a mix, right?"
Nikki: "Well, what's left of it."
Jen: "So, what do the directions say."
Nikki: "There are–directions?"
Jen: "You really don't know how to bake."
Nikki: "Ugh! Not the best time to say that!"
Jen: "Sorry! Just stay calm and tell me what it says on the back of the bag."
Nikki: "Okay. Add one cup water, blend until just moist, dollop into muffin pan."
[Jen's customer crashes into something.]
Penalty Box Customer: "Ow. Ow."
Jen: "Gotta go. Just don't overwork the batter, you'll be fine!" [She hangs up.]
Coach Halder: "Masterson!"
Nikki: "Wait! Ugh!"
[Wyatt walks into work to find Lacey behind the counter in a McFlipster's uniform.]
Lacey: "All juicy and red/Gonna flip this hamburger till one of us is dead/de-head/hoo-ooh/de-head/ooh-ooh."
Wyatt: "Lacey? This is where you work now?"
Lacey: "You too? Wow! I hope they don't have a policy against employees dating. Unless that's too weird for you."
Wyatt: [uncomfortable] "No. That's not too weird."
Nikki: "Please don't suck, please don't suck." [She's about to open the oven.]
Jen: "Hey, how's it going?"
Nikki: "You tell me." [She pulls out a tin of misshapen muffins.]
Nikki: "They're supposed to be our signature pumpkin muffins."
Jen: "Those are pumpkins?"
Nikki: "I am so fired."
Jen: "Maybe they taste better than they look. I'm going in." [She takes a bite of one.] "Mmm! These aren't half bad."
Morty: [groaning] "Ohh..."
Nikki: "You okay, Morty?"
Jen and Nikki: "Euch!"
Morty: "Whenever I open a new branch, our laxative tea barely cuts through. Aah!" [She sees Nikki's muffins.] "I thought you said you could bake! The clock is ticking, Nicole!"
[Jen and Nikki are waiting on a new batch of muffins. Jen's phone rings.]
Jen: "Aw! It's from Travis! I can't wait to send him a special pumpkin delivery. Ooh, they're ready."
[Jen reaches into the oven and pulls out a batch of perfectly-shaped muffins.]
Nikki: "Wow. Hello, perfection! How did you do that?"
Jen: "Better taste one just to be sure."
[Jen and Nikki both take bites of a muffin and almost instantly spit them out.]
Jen: "Ew! But I followed the recipe exactly!" [The oven beeps.]
Nikki: "Well, let's see if I did any better." [She pulls out a batch of misshapen muffins.] "Even worse than last time!"
Jen: [trying one] "At least yours taste good! Did you add something to boost the flavor?"
Nikki: "You can add stuff?" [She tosses her muffins in the trash. Kristen and Kirsten walk in.] "Hey! This is a Clone-free zone!"
Kristen: "You work here now? Lucky! Chrissy's so mean to us now that you're gone."
Kirsten: "Yeah, it's so unfair! She's treating us like we're you!"
Nikki: [sarcastic] "Wow, brutal."
Kirsten: "I know! This morning she yelled so hard, she got a migraine and went home early."
Nikki: "So–who's watching the store now?"
[Kristen and Kirsten look at each other.]
Kristen and Kirsten: "Bye!!!" [They run out of Counter Measures. Nikki sighs.]
Nikki: "I've gotta get the hang of it here. I never want to go back to that."
[Wyatt is walking through the mall when he suddenly stops and gasps.]
Wyatt: "Lacey?!?" [Lacey now has a guitar exactly like his and the exact same hairstyle.]
Lacey: "Wyatt. Where ya headed?"
Wyatt: "Uh, just need to talk to the guys about...uh...something..."
Lacey: "Something like real music? Great! I'll come too."
Wyatt: [worried] "O-k-k-kay."
[The gaming is still going strong inside the game store. Jude is working the register.]
Jude: "Sorry bro, like I said about a hundred times already, we don't have anymore copies of Rock Maniac."
Wyatt: [nervously to Caitlin and Jonesy] "Hey guys. You remember Lacey."
Caitlin: [paying no attention] "Careful with my guitar!"
Wyatt: "Your guitar?"
Caitlin: "I call it Tinkerbell. Hey! Not so rough, bub!" [The game dings.]
Jonesy: "No! There goes my high score. This blows. Everyone's a musician now."
Wyatt: "No, they're not! This is what a real musician sounds like."
[Wyatt starts playing but soon stops as Lacey continues on her guitar.]
Caitlin: [playing the game] "Hey, keep the racket down, I'm playing music over here!"
Lacey: "I have to go anyway." [She kisses him.] "See you at work!" [She leaves.]
Wyatt: [uncomfortable] "Yeah." [worried] "Can't wait." [to Jonesy] "Okay, seriously, man! I need you to focus for a second! I'm having a major crisis here with Lacey!"
Jonesy: "Don't be so neurotic, she likes you!"
Wyatt: "Yeah, too much! Did you see her?"
Jonesy: "Sure, she's got a head, some arms, maybe?" [to those onstage] "C'mon, hurry up, I got some frontin' to do!"
[Wyatt grabs Jonesy and slaps him.]
Wyatt: "Snap out of it!"
Jonesy: "Ow! Whoa. You're right. I almost missed the coin-inducing opportunity right in front of me!"
Wyatt: "What? No, I'm talking about Lacey!"
Jonesy: "If people want to play so much, maybe they should pay so much."
Wyatt: "I think that's called extortion."
Jonesy: "Not if it's an entrance fee to a tournament! Who wants in on a Battle of the Rock Maniac Bands?" [The room cheers.]
Wyatt: "Who wants to learn to play real guitar!"
[The room falls silent.]
Wyatt: "It's way cooler?"
Julie: [offscreen] "Loser!"
[Everyone but Jen is at the table. Wyatt is playing the guitar with his head down and Jonesy is wearing a scarf.]
Nikki: "What's with the scarf?"
Jonesy: [raspy] "Frontman tricks of the trade. Saving my voice and keeping the ol' pipes warm for tonight."
Wyatt: [walking up] "So you can sound like a little girl?"
Jonesy: "No, I've been practicing. Now I sound like a young woman."
Nikki: "Hey Wyatt." [realizing something] "Uh, Wyatt?"
[Lacey lifts her head. Nikki gasps.]
Jonesy: "No way!"
Wyatt: [shocked] "Lacey?!?"
Lacey: "Hey. I've got a new song about that video game." [singing] "Plastic controls/Illusions of sound/You're killing real music/With every round."
Wyatt: "That's my new song! Only better!"
Lacey: "I know!" [She giggles and kisses him.] "Later!" [Lacey leaves.]
Jonesy: "Okay, she's cuckoo."
Wyatt: "Now you notice?"
Caitlin: "I take it all back. Definitely too much in common."
Jude: "Seriously bro, that is creepy."
Jonesy: "At least she'll be easy to cut loose. Just dump her the way you'd like to be dumped."
Wyatt: "Well, it won't be by text. Or by Jonesy."
Caitlin: "Hey, where's Jen?"
Nikki: "At Counter Measures again. She's obsessed with baking pumpkins for Travis. I should go before she drowns herself in a bowl of batter."
Caitlin: [closing the Big Squeeze] "I'll come along for moral support."
Nikki: "That's what Jen said!" [paranoid] "Then the sickness began."
[Jen is furiously mixing batter in a bowl. She turns towards the oven.]
Nikki: [behind her] "Jen, step away from the oven."
Jen: "But I still need to send Travis a handmade gift for our anniversary!"
Nikki: "You've only been together for two weeks!"
Jen: "Caitlin, back me up."
Caitlin: "Handmade gifts are the traditional two-week gesture."
Caitlin: [picking up one of Jen's finished batches] "Why not send him these? How bad can they be?"
[Caitlin takes a bite of a muffin and spits it out almost instantly. She retches.]
Nikki: "These stupid pumpkins are impossible."
Morty: [walking up] "Aah! My bowels are like concrete!" [She sets down a bag of laxatives.] "Nicole. Probation's over. Time for the big test. Make me a quadruple batch of pumpkins. It's a shame we don't have more customers to taste your pumpkins and rate them on these comment cards."
Caitlin: "Ooh! You could bring some to the game store! There's a huge crowd down there!"
[Nikki takes the comment cards and gets ready to bake.]
Caitlin: "C'mon, Jen, let's go! The band could use a drummer."
Nikki: "Yeah, I'll see you guys soon."
Jen: "Good luck!"
[Nikki picks up the mix and tosses it away, accidentally choosing the laxatives instead.]
[Nikki walks into the game shop with a bowl full of perfectly-shaped muffins.]
Nikki: "Free pumpkins from Counter Measures, enough for everyone! Don't forget to fill out the comment cards!"
[The muffins start disappearing. All of Nikki's friends except for the missing Wyatt take one.]
Jen: "Mmm. You did it!"
Nikki: "That's right. I conquered the pumpkin. Yes!"
Jen: "What did you do differently?"
Nikki: "No clue. But they look and taste right, so I'm not complaining."
Jonesy: "Baby, you can bake for me anytime!"
[Wyatt and Lacey are inside Cafe Coeur Brisé. Lacey seems to be mirroring Wyatt's every move.]
Lacey: [at the same time] "Oh, Wyatt."
Wyatt and Lacey: "We need to talk. Uh...you first."
Lacey: "I love you."
Wyatt: [at the same time] "It's over."
Wyatt and Lacey: "What?"
Lacey: "You're breaking up with me?"
Wyatt: "Sorry, I just can't take it anymore."
Wyatt and Lacey: "I"m leaving. No, I'm leaving! AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!" [They run away from each other.]
Jonesy: "Rockers and Rockettes, welcome to the Gameatorium Battle of the Bands!" [The crowd cheers.] "For those about to rock, and have paid the entry fee, we salute you!" [The crowd cheers.]
Jude: "Wicked awesome, dude!"
[Julie and Darth are the first up.]
Darth: [doing hard rock] "Dirty hands on my windowpane/Smelly sock and my feet to blame/Lovin' you was the death of me/Lovin' rock will set my people free, yeah!"
[Next up are the Clones.]
The Clones: [doing pop] "Don't be such a shy boy/I could make you my toy/You're gonna make me cry boy/If you don't say yes!"
[The crowd boos them. Next up is Ron the Rent-a-Cop.]
Ron: [doing rockabilly with Halder and Pokey] "Since my baby took off, I got a new place to hang/It's in the mall and down the hall, its door goes clank/I'm in the jail cell baby/I'm in the jail cell!/Back so achy/I could crrrryyyyy, yeah–c'mon, Coach! Let's teach these maggots how to play!"
[The crowd cheers, but Jude and his friends look disgusted. Wyatt steps in.]
Wyatt: [to Jude] "Hey. Any sign of Lacey?"
Nikki: "On the downside, you just missed my first batch of perfect pumpkins."
Wyatt: "Oh yeah? Congrats."
[The current song ends.]
Jonesy: "Okay guys, we're up!"
[Jen, Jonesy, Caitlin, and Jen take the stage.]
Jude: "Take it, Jen!"
[Jen gets behind the drum kit and plays rather poorly.]
Nikki: "Just imagine they're pumpkins!"
[Jen angrily starts bashing the kit and gets into the groove.]
Jude: "That's it bra, you got it now!" [The bass and guitar kick in.]
Jonesy: [when the game dings] "New high score? Way to go, Jen!" [His stomach gurgles.]
Caitlin: "I don't feel so good."
[Around the room, everyone else's stomach is gurgling.]
Jonesy: [worried] "Keep going, here comes my part!" [singing well] "Rock an–" [He farts.] "It's in my–" [He farts again. Jude farts as well. Both he and Caitlin stop playing.] "And lick my–" [Fart.] "I gotta hit the can, right now!"
[All of the band except Jen vacate the stage.]
[It's not just the band feeling gastric pain, however. The same thing happens around the room.]
Wyatt: [just fine as everyone vacates] "What was in those muffins?"
Nikki: [realizing what must have happened] "Oh no!" [She leaves the store.]
Jen: "Don't stop now, guys!" [The intestinal pressure hits her.] "Oh! Gross!" [She runs out of the store.]
[Nikki runs up to her boss, who is still at work.]
Nikki: "Morty! I don't know what happened!"
Morty: "Well I do. You put my laxative tea in your pumpkins! You're fired!"
Nikki: "Ah...oh..." [She farts.] "Uh oh. A-any chance I could use the private washroom one last time?"
[The laxatives start to hit Morty, and without saying anything, both head to the staff restrooms.]
[The gang are gathered around the table.]
Jen: "I still can't believe you put laxative tea in the pumpkins."
Nikki: "Best job, ever. I totally blew it."
Jen: "Actually, we totally blew it."
Jude: "But, no one's coming anywhere near my store now. Thanks, bra."
Jonesy: [annoyed] "Yeah. Thanks for making me reimburse all those entry fees. Not cool."
Caitlin: "So what did you end up making Travis for your anniversary?"
Jen: "A laminated schedule of romantic things we can do by phone, email, or text. He's gonna love it!"
Wyatt: [to Nikki] "If you're looking for a job, Lacey left Burger McFlipster's."
Nikki: "I think it's best I stay away from food service for a while." [annoyed] "Which leaves me just one horrible, mind-numbing option."
[Kristen and Kirsten are folding clothes while Chrissy stands over them.]
Nikki: "Chrissy? Don't suppose you're looking for a new employee."
Chrissy: "Oh, so now you think you're good enough to be a Khaki staffer. Well, the staff bathroom is off-limits to newbies, and I'm only letting you back so I can yell at you all day long! Now fold those crop-ruffled cardigans! And if I find a single wrinkle, I'll make you do the whole shelf again!"
[Kristen and Kirsten giggle with joy and hug each other.]
Nikki: "Ugh, kill me now."