[Caitlin walks into the food court with six cell phones in her arms. She hands one to each of her friends.]
Nikki: "What are these for?"
Caitlin: "My dad's company is testing out this new cell phone they designed, so we each get one. I programmed our numbers into them already!" [She calls Jonesy.]
Jonesy: [answering the phone] "I dunno, it's kinda–"
Jude: "No way!"
Wyatt: "Right on."
Caitlin: "One month of free calls. As much time on the phone as you want!"
[Everyone starts calling each other.]
Jen: "Well someone is paying for it, and I'm sure your dad expects us to be responsible."
Jude: [on the phone] "Hello, I'm Jude. You don't know me, but we can change that, and it won't cost me a thing. I was born as a small child–" [The person on the other end hangs up.] "Hellooo? Huh. Who knew they were so rude in Sweden?"
Jen: "Sweden? Jude!" [Jude starts calling someone else. Nikki pulls Jen aside.]
Nikki: "Jonesy's been complaining about his hockey skates falling apart, so I'm saving up to buy him a new pair. Got any ideas?"
Jen: "What's the occasion?"
Nikki: "No occasion, just a gift."
Caitlin: "Nikki! You can't do that! Boys buy us gifts for no reason, not the other way around!"
Nikki: "Uh, you lost me."
Caitlin: "Duh! It's Boy-Girl 101. Men are the hunters, women get presents." [She knocks over a cup of lemonade.] "Oops." [She giggles.]
Jen: "I could use my employee discount. That would save you some money on the skates."
Nikki: "Oh that's awesome! Thanks Jen!"
Jen: "And you could probably double your wages with commissions if you were a little nicer to customers!"
Nikki: "Uh, there are limits, okay, even for Jonesy."
Jen: "Caitlin's an expert on sucking up. She can help."
[A woman comes by cradling a baby. She slips in the puddle of juice, and the baby goes flying.]
Nikki, Caitlin, and Jen: "WHAA!"
Wyatt: [gasping] "AAAH!"
[Wyatt gets up and backs into position to catch the baby. Once the baby is secure, he twists and keeps the other flying possessions from hitting the ground. Everyone who has seen him cheers.]
[Wyatt smiles. Suddenly, his nose twitches.]
[Wyatt lets out a gigantic sneeze. Two long strings of snot fly out of his nose and hang over the baby.]
Nikki: [shocked] "Ew."
[Everyone starts to laugh at the spectacle of Wyatt with two strings of snot hanging out of his nose.]
Marlowe: [seeing him] "You look like a snot walrus."
Wyatt: [uncomfortable] "Oh..."
The opening credits roll.
The title of this episode is
Oops, I Dialed It Again
[Wyatt is strumming his guitar and singing.]
Wyatt: "Saving a child/Falling from the sky/Is worth much more/Than any one man's pride."
Caitlin: "Wow. All I can say is–wow."
Jonesy: "I can't believe you wrote a song about yesterday and didn't use snot walrus."
Marlowe: "I think it's the best song you've ever written. You should be really proud of yourself, Wyatt."
Wyatt: "I kinda am. I mean, when I got home, the song just poured out of me."
Jonesy: [innocently] "Was it from your nostrils?"
Jude: [laughing] "Snot walrus!"
Wyatt: "It was like being humiliated caused this surge of creativity."
Nikki: "Maybe we should publicly disgrace you on purpose from now on."
Wyatt: "Hey, that's a great idea!"
Nikki: "Uh, that was me. Kidding?"
Wyatt: "I'm not. The band is short a few songs for our new demo. You'd be helping our career! C'mon, please?"
Jonesy: "I've never needed an excuse to humiliate you. I'm in!"
Caitlin: "All right."
[Marlowe looks around at Wyatt's friends, confused, before she gives in.]
Marlowe: "Fine. But only for the good of the band."
Wyatt: "Excellent. Come and get me!" [He runs away from the table. Caitlin's phone rings.]
Caitlin: "Jude, why are you calling me?"
Jude: "I'm not. Must be a bum call."
Caitlin: "Bum call?"
Nikki: "You know, when your bum accidentally speed-dials someone? Bum call."
Caitlin: "Eww! I don't want to talk to anyone's bum!"
Jude: "Why? I got a nice bum."
Jonesy: "Focus people! What're we gonna do to humiliate Wyatt?"
[A fat girl is standing around with a clipboard when Jen comes by.]
Fat Girl: "Hi. Do you have a moment to make the world a better place?"
Jen: "Sorry, but I'm late for work."
Fat Girl: "That's okay. I'll just check the 'I Don't Care' box."
Jen: "I didn't say I don't care, I said I was late for work!"
Fat Girl: "It'll only take a minute. And it's to help the world!"
Jen: [relenting] "Okay. If it's to help the world, I–" [the girl shoves her into a booth] "GAH!"
[Behind Jen, the door slams. Jen fiddles with the doorknob and then takes a seat. A bright yellow light turns on.]
Computer: "Hello. What is your name?"
Jen: "Uh...Jennifer Masterson."
Computer: "Hello Jennifer. Let's begin. Question 1: How old are you?"
Jen: "I'm sixteen."
Computer: "You're a very smart girl, Jennifer."
Jen: "Oh." [flattered] "I do get straight As. But...how is sitting here answering questions gonna help the world?"
Computer: "Question Number 2. For the very smart girl."
[Jen chuckles, flattered.]
[Nikki is at work with Caitlin. Two girls walk past.]
Caitlin: "You wanted help? Well here's your chance. Go earn some commission for Jonesy's skates."
Nikki: [going over to the girls] "Hi. Welcome to the Khaki Barn. I'm Nikki. How can I help you?"
[Hearing this, the Clones look up and gasp.]
Kirsten: "Is Nikki actually trying to sell something?"
Pretty Girl: "I'm looking for a top exactly like this! But not this top. And I want it in pink, with long sleeves, and a cow neck!"
Nikki: "So...exactly like this, but completely different?" [The girls nod.] "Um, okay. Um, maybe w–um, lemme just have–oh forget it. Talk to one of them." [She walks away.]
Caitlin: "Nikki, you almost had them!"
Nikki: "That was commission impossible." [She leans back and accidentally bum dials Jonesy.]
Jonesy: [answering] "Hey Nikki, what's up?"
Nikki: "This feels wrong. It's just not me."
Jonesy: "What? Something feels wrong? What feels wrong? Hello? Nikki? Talk to me!"
[Wyatt is serving customers when Jude and Marlowe walk in. Marlowe has a portable CD player and Jude has a poster.]
[Jude and Marlowe walk over to a booth. Jude hops on top of it and starts to speak.]
Jude: "Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please! Wyatt started his musical career at an early age, when he was younger." [He unrolls the poster, which is of a younger and much nerdier Wyatt. The crowd laughs.]
Wyatt: [mortified] "This can't be happening."
Jude: "Sadly, most of the world will never hear the first song Wyatt wrote. But you will! It's called 'I Love You Mommy.' Hit it!"
[Marlowe turns on the CD player.]
Young Wyatt: "I'm brushing and flossing look both ways when crossing my room is clean, I'm never mean, my homework is done because I. Love. My mom."
[The crowd laughs at Wyatt. Jude finishes recording the scene with his cell phone just as Ron walks in.]
Ron: "I don't recall ordering dinner and a floor show. Move along, maggots."
[Jude and Marlowe walk towards the exit, Ron tailing them. Ron stops at the counter and turns to Wyatt.]
Ron: "And you! Sicko. I heard you tried to cover a child in boogers."
Wyatt: [uncomfortable] "I caught the baby, see, but then I sneezed and–"
Ron: "Save it! Just know that I am watching you."
[Jen is still stuck in the question booth.]
Computer: "Question 97: If you had to always wear a hat, or never wear a hat, which would it be?"
Jen: "Okay. How is your knowing whether I wear a hat going to help the world?"
Jen: [angry] "No hat! Never wear a hat! Can I go now? Coach is gonna kill me!"
Computer: "Question 98–"
[Nikki and Caitlin are folding clothes. Caitlin picks up a piece of apparel.]
Nikki: [swatting Caitlin's hand] "Bad shopper! Bad!"
Caitlin: "Nikki, customers want a salesgirl that's sweet and really pretty. Oh, I know! Pretend you're me!"
Nikki: [folding a skirt] "Nope, never gonna happen."
Caitlin: "You wanna make extra commission for Jonesy or not?"
Nikki: "Fine, I'll practice being you on the next person who walks through–" [Kyle Donaldson walks in.]
Caitlin: "Remember, you're me. Good luck!" [Nikki walks over to Kyle.]
Nikki: "Hi, I'm Nikki, and I totally know what you would look great in!" [She holds up two shirts and a pair of slacks.]
Kyle: "I'm not sure these are really me."
Nikki: "Don't think, just trust."
[Nikki pushes Kyle into a dressing room, where he tries on the clothes.]
Kyle: "These are kinda small. Do you have a bigger size?"
[Nikki leans against a stall and bum calls Jonesy. Jonesy answers.]
Nikki: "Just take those pants off and I'll help you out."
Jonesy: [worried] "What?!?"
Kyle: "I'll try anything you throw my way, beautiful."
Nikki: "Oh..." [faking laughter] "You big flirt."
Jonesy: "Nikki?!? What's going on? Can you hear me?"
Nikki: [handing Kyle another pair of slacks] "What do you think of these babies?"
Kyle: "Oh, sweet sweet sweet!"
[Jonesy gasps. Nikki leans back again, inadvertently ending the call.]
Jonesy: [scared] "Nikki's cheating on me? That can't be!" [thinking] "Can it?"
[The gang are seated around the table. The only missing member is Jen, whose place has been taken by Marlowe.]
Wyatt: "I've almost finished my next song, 'Little Mama's Boy Blues.'"
Nikki: "Seriously, we should end this now."
Wyatt: "You can't! I'm just two songs away from finishing the new demo CD!"
Nikki: "Ugh!" [noticing the sour look on her boyfriend's face] "You okay, Jonesy?"
Jonesy: [bitter] "Everything is sweet sweet sweet!"
Nikki: "O-kay. Well, I gotta get to work."
Wyatt: "Yeah, me too." [They leave.]
Marlowe: "Jonesy, have you got any ideas on what to do to Wyatt next?"
Jonesy: [paranoid] "Sure! Why don't you just get Nikki to help him out of his pants!"
[Jonesy leaves angrily. The remaining three stare at each other, and Jude shrugs.]
[Caitlin walks into the Khaki Barn.]
Kirsten: "Welcome to the Khaki Barn! Have a Khaki Day!" [Caitlin walks over to her friend.]
Caitlin: "Hi Nikki!"
Nikki: "Hey, what's up?" [She leans against a rack and once again accidentally bum dials Jonesy.]
Jonesy: [answering] "Hello Nikki."
Nikki: "Caitlin, flirting is really paying off." [Jonesy gapes.] "This plan is really coming together."
Caitlin: "I'm so happy for you, Nikki!"
[Nikki leans back again, and the call ends.]
Jonesy: "Plan?!? What plan?!?!?" [His phone rings again, and he answers.] "What now?!?"
Jen: "Jonesy, are you happy in your current relationship?"
Jonesy: "Oh, sure. Nikki's hitting on every guy in the mall. Who wouldn't be happy about that?"
Jen: "What are you talking about?"
Computer: "Hang up your phone."
Jonesy: "Who was that?"
Jen: "Ugh, just some stupid computer questionaire I started." [The call ends.] "Jonesy?" [angrily, to the computer] "Did you cut off my call?"
Computer: "Are you happy in your current relationship?"
Jen: "Ugh! I keep telling you, I'm not in a relationship!"
[Wyatt is calmly taking a bathroom break when Jude rushes in with an uncapped marker.]
Wyatt: "No. Seriously! Stop! Jude!"
Jude: "Stop struggling! This is for your own good, dude!"
Wyatt: "Aw, get off! C'mon! Ple–no! I beg you! Jude!"
[Jude exits the bathroom whistling and carrying Wyatt's clothes. He goes over to Marlowe.]
Marlowe: "Are those Wyatt's clothes?"
Marlowe: "Oh, this is gonna be so good!"
[Wyatt sticks his head out of the men's room and looks around. Jude drew a mustache on him.]
Wyatt: "Okay. You just have to make it to work. You've got clothes there. You can do this. Go!"
[Wyatt exits the bathroom and walks to work swiftly. He is in a thong and cowboy boots.]
Wyatt: [coming across Marlowe] "AAH!" [covering himself] "Oh, Marlowe! Hey!"
[Wyatt swiftly goes in the opposite direction, doing his best to ignore the catcalls from everyone in the mall. He darts from hiding spot to hiding spot until he's about twenty feet from the store.]
Wyatt: [going for it] "I'm almost there–" [He hears sirens and stops. Ron raises an eyebrow.] "I'll just get in the cart."
[Ron takes Wyatt away and puts him in the slammer.]
Ron: "Your parents are on their way to pick you up. Maybe you should call one of your scumbag friends and get them to bring you some clothes."
Wyatt: [taking his cell phone out of his undies] "Least the cell phone fit in there. I'll just call my scumbag friends now." [He dials.]
Wyatt: "Hey Nikki."
[Jonesy is spying on Nikki, who is holding up a dress.]
Nikki: "I think this would win anyone's heart, don't you?"
Kirsten: "No man could resist such a cute dress!"
[Jonesy turns away from the scene and slumps against a plant fixture.]
Jonesy: "Nikki is cheating on me. And in a sundress!"
[Nikki has given Wyatt some clothes, but Wyatt isn't exactly happy about it.]
Wyatt: "Don't do this! Nikki, please!"
Nikki: "Don't worry, Wyatt. You're bound to get a great song out of it."
[Wyatt is wearing the sundress from earlier.]
Ron: "I'm sure your parents will find you to be the belle of the ball." [He and Nikki laugh.]
[Marlowe is at the ice rink with an easel detailing a plan.]
Marlowe: "Okay, Operation: Humiliate Wyatt, take thirty-six."
Marlowe: "In order to help Wyatt write another good song, I'm going to lure him to the fountain at exactly 1:15, the height of the lunch crowd. Then you push Wyatt into the fountain. People will laugh, Wyatt will be humiliated, band gets great song."
Jude: "Hear you loud and clear, bra." [confused] "Which one am I again?"
Marlowe: [upset] "This! This is you!" [pointing it out] "This blue stick figure, same as the first thirty-five times!"
Jude: "I see. Now, where's my hat? Can I wear my hat when we do this?"
[Marlowe closes her mouth and leaves, not wanting to deal with Jude anymore.]
Jude: "Okay. Catch you later, bra."
[Wyatt is refilling the ketchup bottles and singing.]
Wyatt: "Walk a mile in a dress/To know how she feels/To really know pain/You've got to wear heels." [Jonesy walks in and sits down. He looks unhappy.] "A woman is a woman and a man is a–"
Jonesy: "Nikki is cheating on me!"
Wyatt: "What? You're crazy. Not Nikki."
Jonesy: "That's what I thought! But she keeps bum calling me, and I've heard these things!"
Wyatt: "I'm sure it's just a simple misunder–" [Jonesy gets up to leave.] "Wait. Before you go?"
Jonesy: [taking the ketchup bottle] "Oh. Right." [He squirts ketchup all over Wyatt's uniform.]
[Nikki is lounging around at work when Caitlin rushes in.]
Caitlin: "Shouldn't you be working?"
Nikki: "Could ask you the same thing."
Caitlin: "Good point." [Nikki's phone rings.]
Jen: "Hey Nikki."
Nikki: "Hey Jen, I almost have the money for Jonesy's skates."
Jen: "You can pick them up later. Now, name three cheeses."
Jen: "'Cause I'm stuck in a questionaire booth and I can't leave until I answer all the questions!"
Nikki: "Aren't you supposed to be at work?"
Jen: [sternly] "Nik. Three cheeses."
Nikki: "Cheddar, brie, and mozzarella."
Jen: "Thanks." [They hang up.]
Nikki: "I can pick up the skates later today." [She accidentally makes a bum call.]
Caitlin: "That sure is a great gift."
Jonesy: [answering his phone] "Hello?"
Caitlin: "When are you gonna give it to Jonesy?"
Nikki: "Mmm, this weekend I guess."
Caitlin: "And he has no idea?"
Nikki: "Nah, it's a total surprise. Out with the old and in with the new." [Jonesy gasps.]
Caitlin: "I wish I could see the look on his face. Oh he might even cry!" [She and Nikki laugh.]
[Jonesy ends the call and hangs his head.]
Jonesy: "Oh, I can't believe Nikki's really gonna dump me! Again! And Caitlin wants to see me cry!"
[The restroom door swings open and a man steps out. Jonesy grabs him.]
Jonesy: "I'm not gonna let this happen! Y'hear? I'm gonna find this sweet, sweet, sweet guy, and tell him that he can't have Nikki! She's mine!"
Penalty Box Customer: "Oh dear."
[Jonesy releases the man, who runs off as Jonesy enters the bathroom and takes a seat on a fountain.]
Jonesy: "Plus she can't dump you! You know why, Jonesy? Do you know why?"
[Jonesy stands up and makes a bum call.]
Caitlin: "Hey Jonesy."
Jonesy: "Because you're the hottest person in this mall."
Caitlin: "Oh, thanks for noticing!"
Jonesy: "People look up to you! People want to be you!"
Caitlin: "Gosh, that's so nice!"
Jonesy: [admiring himself] "Just look at your body!"
Caitlin: [taken aback] "Um–"
Jonesy: "Sexy. No, super sexy."
Caitlin: "Okay, seriously–"
Jonesy: "No one is more desirable than you!"
Caitlin: [shocked] "What about Nikki?"
Jonesy: "Whatever. You're the hottest."
Caitlin: "Listen Jonesy, I'm really not comfortable with this, and I'm hanging up now. Goodbye."
[Caitlin hangs up. Nikki calls Jonesy.]
Nikki: "Jonesy?" [Jonesy doesn't answer.] "Jonesy, are you there?"
Nikki: "Yes you, dummy."
Jonesy: "Oh, so now you're calling me?"
Nikki: "What're you doing tonight?"
Jonesy: "Don't know. Why?!? I mean, why?"
Nikki: "Can we meet up? We really need to talk."
Jonesy: "Oh, here it goes. I mean, not tonight. I've got a thingie. Actually, this whole weekend looks bad, baaadddd!"
Nikki: "Are you okay?"
[Jonesy hangs up. Nikki looks at her phone, confused, and then shrugs.]
Computer: "Question 680: How many boys have you kissed?"
Jen: "Why would you need to know that?"
Jen: "Forget helping the world, someone has to help me!" [She takes out her cell phone and whispers into it.] "Caitlin, I need your help!"
Caitlin: "Jonesy hit on me!"
Jen: "What? Who hit on you?"
Jen: "Oh, this is bad! I'm on my way!" [She hangs up and tries to get out.]
Computer: "We're not finished yet."
Jen: "You'd–guh–you don't understand, I have to go!"
Computer: "Question 681."
Jen: "Look, my friend needs me, and if you think any of this can help the world, you're mistaken."
Computer: "I do not make mistakes."
Jen: "Yes you do! What was the first question you asked me?"
Computer: "How old are you."
Jen: "Wrong! You asked me my name. How old are you was question two. But you called it question one!"
Computer: "I don't–I don't–" [shorting out] "Mistake–mistake–I don't–mistake–"
Jen: "And question two was question three, and all of the others were wrong! Ha! Take that!"
Computer: "Steak steak steaksteaksteaksteakstakesteaksteak–" [Jen breaks out of the booth.] "Daisy, daisy–"
[Jen runs away from the questionaire as fast as she can.]
[Wyatt is at work flipping burgers when Ron walks in.]
Ron: "Thanks to your little stunt, I've added a new rule to my book."
Ron: "Rule 45, Paragraph Nine, Sub-Heading Underpants: Anyone caught exposing themselves in the mall is automatically banned for life. Banned. For. Life. You've been warned."
[Ron leaves. Wyatt hangs his head.]
[Jen and Caitlin are talking.]
Jen: "Ugh, that Jonesy makes me sick!"
Caitlin: "I know! I mean, am I charming? Yes. Pretty? Of course. But none of that makes it right."
Jen: "You have to say something to Nikki, before she gives him these skates."
Caitlin: "I know." [Her phone rings.] "Hello? Okay Wyatt. Bye." [She hangs up.]
Jen: "What did Wyatt want?"
Caitlin: "We aren't allowed to strip him anymore."
Jen: "You miss so much when you try to make the world a better place."
[Wyatt is in Grind Me, talking to Jonesy and Marlowe.]
Wyatt: "...then Ron said that I'll get kicked out of the mall for life if I show up in my underwear again!"
Marlowe: "Jude is the only one that doesn't know. So if you see him, tell him."
Jonesy: [depressed] "Sure, whatever."
Wyatt: "You still haven't talked to Nikki, have you."
Jonesy: "It's worse than I thought, dude! I heard her and Caitlin talking about it. Nikki's gonna dump me this weekend!"
Wyatt: "Oh no."
Jonesy: "My only hope is finding this new guy and getting him to back off."
Kyle: [talking to Gina] "Oh, sweet sweet sweet."
Jonesy: "Wait. I know that voice." [confronting Kyle] "What gives you the right to steal my girlfriend?!? You stay away from my Nikki!" [Nikki, walking in the door, hears this and gasps.]
Gina: "Who's Nikki?" [She hits Kyle with her purse.]
Nikki: "Jonesy! Have you gone mad?"
Jonesy: "This guy? Why him?!? I never would have cheated on you, Nikki." [Jen and Caitlin arrive.]
Jen: "What? Never would have cheated? Really, Jonesy. Then why did you hit on Caitlin?"
Jonesy and Nikki: "What?" [Nikki takes Gina's purse and hits Jonesy with it.]
Jonesy: "Ow! Ow wait! There's been a mistake! Why would you even say that?"
Jen: "Don't play innocent with me. You make me sick, Jonesy."
[Jude creeps up behind Wyatt and pantses him.]
Wyatt: "What? AAH!" [Jude laughs. Ron rushes in blowing a whistle.]
Ron: "That's it! Naked guy! You are out of the mall! FOR LIFE!"
[The gang are gathered around the table. Wyatt is missing, though, and Jonesy is wearing his new skates.]
Jen: "When Caitlin told me what you said, I should've guessed you were complimenting yourself."
Jonesy: "And I should have trusted you more, Nikki. I'm sorry I freaked out." [He kisses Nikki's cheek.]
Nikki: "It was fun to see you all jealous like that. I should bum call you more often."
Caitlin: "No no no. Everyone hand in your phones." [Her friends hand them over.] "These are going back with a very bad review!"
Nikki: [to Jen] "Hey, you know that questionaire booth you got trapped in? It was run by a teen marketing firm."
Jen: "So they were just using me to find out about the latest teen trends?" [Nikki nods.] "Ooh. I feel so–used!"
Nikki: "It's got an out-of-order sign on it. What'd you do to it?"
Jen: [chuckling] "Turns out it was really good at asking questions, just not so great at answering them."
Jude: "Dude, I'm just glad I didn't get you kicked out of the mall." [Wyatt sits down.]
Wyatt: "Well you did get me kicked out."
Jonesy: "You showed the mall his butt, but I saved it."
Nikki: "How'd you swing that?"
Jonesy: "The Jonesmiester's got a few tricks up his sleeve. Back when I worked for Ron, I found a videotape of him."
Jen: [interested] "Really? What was on it?"
[Everyone but Wyatt leans towards Jonesy.]
Wyatt: "We promised we would never talk about it. Part of the deal."
Jude, Nikki, Caitlin, and Jen: "Aaaw!"
Wyatt: "But I never promised not to sing about it!" [strumming his guitar] "The men's washroom was full/And Ron couldn't wait his turn/Got caught peeing in the ladies'/And baby he got burned."
[The friends laugh at Ron's fortuitous misfortune.]