[The guys are sitting around the usual table when Wayne comes up to them.]
Wayne: "Let's move, you fartknockers. Time to open up shop."
Wyatt: [yawning] "What's the hurry? We only sell specialized indie movies and no one who watches those is up this early."
Wayne: "I don't own the store. Crazy Pete does. If I owned it, do you think I'd be in on the weekends at all?"
[Wayne walks away. The guys get up.]
Jude: "Hold up."
[They catch up to Wayne.]
Jonesy: "So Wayne, how about a job?"
Jonesy: "Why not?"
Wayne: "Top five reasons? One, you think Top M16s is a good movie. Two, you're smug. Three, you're lazier than I am. Four, and this is a big one, I don't like you! Oh, and five? I've already fired you."
Jonesy: "Yeah. But now, I'm really desperate for a job!"
Wayne: "Okay, fine. Admit Top M16s sucks and you're in."
Jonesy: "Never! Top M16s will go down as the best movie of the twentieth century!"
Wayne: "Okay, now you're trying to bug me."
[Jonesy shoves Wayne, and Wayne shoves back. They begin to wrestle.]
Wayne: "Have you even seen the star of that movie lately? Huh?"
Jonesy: "Yeah, so–so he's crazy, so what? It doesn't detract from the impact of the–" [Wayne pulls his hair] "Ow!" [They stop wrestling.] "Did you just pull my hair? You fight like a girl!"
[Jude gasps and points ahead. There are familiar pillars sitting astride Underground Video.]
[The four look back and forth between their competition and their now quite similar workplace.]
Wayne: "He didn't sell out to Taj Mahome Video. No way. He wouldn't do that to us!"
Wyatt: "Guys. We've been Taj'd!"
The opening credits roll.
The title of this episode is
[Caitlin is sucking face with some guy while Jen looks on, annoyed. Jen coughs, and they break the liplock.]
Joe: "Wow. That was really good."
Caitlin: "I know." [plucking something from her mouth] "Hey, I have your gum."
Jen: "Ew, gross!"
Caitlin: "See you at lunch?"
Joe: "Yeah, you bet." [He leaves.]
Jen: "Finally! Can we go now?"
Caitlin: "Oh, I'm sorry. Joe is just so great. We've only been going out for two weeks, and I've already been invited on a family wedding date."
Caitlin: "Usually holidays and weddings are spared strictly for long-term boyfriend-girlfriend relationships."
Jen: "So...it's a good thing?"
Caitlin: "Yes! It means I've moved up a full level on the exclusivity scale like EEEE! overnight!"
[Jen raises an eyebrow.]
[Jen and Caitlin are walking through the mall when they come to a stage. Caitlin stops her.]
Caitlin: "No. Way. Do you know who this is?"
Jen: "Fabris? Stylist to the stars?"
Caitlin: "Fabris is only the most famous hairstylist in the film business." [She sighs.] "Eee!" [darting onstage] "It's as if the stars themselves were actually here." [picking up a pair of clippers] "These scissors have touched Jessica Stinson and Lindsay Lohanigan's hair."
Jen: "Caitlin. Don't play with the scissors!" [to two salon ladies] "So if he's so famous, what's he doing here at the mall?"
Salon Lady #1: "He's opening a salon and doing twenty free cuts today."
Caitlin: [gasping] "Are you serious?" [She runs to them.] "Eee! Sign me up! Wait. He'll be doing the cuts here? In the middle of the mall? What if I get caught?"
Jen: "By who?"
Caitlin: "By Andre, my regular stylist. Remember that disastrous home perm I gave myself in sixth grade? Andre reversed it for me, and I've been going to him ever since."
Jen: "So then just stick with him."
Caitlin: "But Fabris is a genius."
Jen: "Alright, so take the free cut and then go back to Andre."
Caitlin: "But what if I hurt Andre's feelings? Hairstylists are very sensitive, you know. They can tell if you cheat on them."
Jen: [frustrated] "Okay that's it. It's obvious you want Fabris, so I'm signing you up."
Caitlin: "Eee! I'm gonna look so hot! And just in time for the wedding! Yay!"
[Blade and Christo are welcoming the employees of their new acquisition.]
Christo: "Welcome to Taj Mahome Video's newest department, Indie Films."
Jonesy: "Hey, I know you guys! You used to be cool!" [He laughs.] "Nice hats."
Christo: "Let me bring you up to speed. As of today, you are officially part of the Taj Mahome Video family."
Wayne: "Crazy Pete would never sell out."
Christo: "Would. Could. Did."
Jonesy: "Why would you guys want this crappy little store anyway? You're huge."
Christo: "Simple. Taj Mahome is the leader in every category of video rentals and sales except for one. Indie Films. Now, if you'll follow us we'll get your uniforms set up."
Wayne: "Uniforms? Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa!"
Jonesy: [laughing] "Wow. Now I'm glad you didn't hire me."
[Fabris is giving haircuts. He spins his customer around to show her off, and the crowd claps.]
Caitlin: "So you're sure Andre won't notice?"
Jen: "Absolutely. He has three back-to-back highlight appointments this aft. He's not going anywhere."
Announcer: "Next up, it's Caitlin Cooke."
[Caitlin giggles and walks onstage.]
Fabris: "Look at you! You darling thing! What can I do for you?"
Caitlin: "Oh, I defer to your vast hairstyling expertise. Just make me fabulous."
Fabris: "Excellent! I'ma thinking Punk meets Classic, you likey?"
Caitlin: "Ooh, yes, I likey!"
[Fabris spins Caitlin around and gets to work.]
[A while later, Fabris has finished.]
Fabris: "Quick! Take a picture, because this is the hottest new look in hair!"
[Fabris spins Caitlin around. He has given her what essentially amounts to a pink mullet.]
Caitlin: [hearing laughter but no applause] "What? Isn't it...fabulous?" [not hearing a yes] "Guys?"
[Jen and Nikki nervously give Caitlin a fake thumb up. Caitlin's eyes are drawn to the Clones, however, who are making puking gestures. She runs offstage and into a restroom in order to take a look at herself.]
Caitlin: "Gasp!" [full realization hitting] "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!"
Jen: "I guess she doesn't like it."
Underground Video Taj Mahome, Jonesy is laughing at the acquired employees, who are wearing black T-shirts and turbans much like Blade and Christo's.]
Christo: "All right! Looking good! Welcome to our morning 'Spirits up!' session!"
Wayne: "Morning what?" [Vaguely Indian music begins to play. Four belly dancers come into the store.]
Blade: [singing] "At Taj Mahome we try to please/We specialize in video and DVDs."
Christo: "With a thousand stores across the nation/We've forced the competition into starvation."
Belly Dancers: [in tandem] "We're so pleased you joined the team/We'll have lots of fun if you know what I mean/Now we own your store as well/And stock will be yours if you sell, sell, sell."
Blade, Christo, and the Belly Dancers: "Remember our motto is we love to sell/And you'll all do so very very well/It's easy to sell a DVD/To a slob who's addicted to his TV/Now you're part of the Taj Mahome team."
[Wayne, Jude, Wyatt, and Jonesy stare at their new bosses and co-workers, shell-shocked.]
[Jen knocks on the door to the restroom.]
Jen: "Caitlin? Are you okay?"
Caitlin: "Don't come in, I'm too ugly!" [Jen cracks the door and looks in.] "I'm hideous." [sniffling] "I'm a freak."
Jen: "You are not a freak."
Caitlin: "I HAVE A MULLET, JEN!"
Nikki: "It's not that bad." [Caitlin blinks at her.] "Okay, yeah, it's that bad."
Jen: [feeling Caitlin's hair] "He actually put in mullet extensions. Wow."
Caitlin: [crying] "Oh, what do I do! I can't go to a wedding with a red mullet!"
Jen: "Why don't you go back to Andre?"
Caitlin: "I can't! If I go to him looking like this, he'll know I cheated with another stylist!"
Nikki: "Well, he might believe some kid did it to you in your sleep." [Caitlin begins crying again.] "Okay, okay, calm down. I know someone who can help."
[Nikki has taken Caitlin to the Khaki Barn. Kirsten is holding Caitlin's shoulders.]
Kirsten: "We'll take it from here, Nikki." [She leads Caitlin into the back room.]
Chrissy: "Okay. The first thing we need to fix is this hideous hair color."
[Jonesy is lounging on the couch when two customers pass the
Underground Taj Mahome register.]
Jonesy: "Ahem. I believe the policy on greeting customers is 'Welcome to Taj Mahome Video's Indie Section!'"
Wayne: "Drop dead."
Jonesy: "Fine. I'm sure Blade and Christo would love to hear how you're ignoring the rules."
Wayne: "Okay, that's it, you're toast!"
Jonesy: "Bring it on, Aladdin!"
Wyatt: [helping Jude hold Wayne back] "That's enough, guys!"
Wayne: "I am not working for a big box store, I think I can actually feel my soul dying inside me."
Wyatt: "There's nothing we can do. They own us."
Wayne: "Do you wanna cheer every morning before your coffee?"
Wyatt: [a bit scared] "No."
Wayne: "Right! So let's think."
Jonesy: "You should have hired me."
[Wayne, fed up, grabs Wyatt's coffee and hurls it at Jonesy. Jonesy ducks, and it splatters against the wall.]
Jonesy: "Easy! I know your pants are riding up your butt right now, but don't take it out on me!"
Jude: "Wait. Taj Mahome Video only bought us because we sell lots of weird videos, right?"
Jude: "So what would happen if Underground stopped making money?"
Wyatt: "He's right! If they were running our department at a loss, the Taj would have to sell us off!"
Wayne: "Jude if this works, you get free rentals for the rest of your life."
[In the employee lounge of the Khaki Barn, the Clones have finished working on Caitlin.]
Kristen: "All finished!"
[Kristen whips a towel off of Caitlin's hair. Caitlin looks in a mirror and gasps. Her hair now has green streaks.]
Caitlin: "What have you done?!? I thought you guys knew what you were doing!"
Kirsten: "We do! Green balances out red! That's why you apply green-tinted moisturizer to reduce the redness."
Caitlin: [tearful] "On your face. It doesn't work that way with hair."
Kirsten: "Uh, yeah, and now we know that."
Caitlin: "Oh!" [She growls.]
Kirsten: "Wait, I have one more idea." [She runs off and returns with something purple.] "Here! It's the Bad Hair Day Hoodie with the extra-wide hood!"
[Caitlin walks through the mall wearing the hoodie, her friends following her. Suddenly, she stops and gasps.]
Caitlin: "It's Joe! Cover me!" [She dives behind a plant. Joe walks up to her friends.]
Joe: "Hey, have you seen Caitlin around?"
Nikki: [blocking the plant] "Hi. Heh heh."
Jen: "We haven't seen her. All day." [after a second] "Hey look! Free movies!" [Joe looks the other way, and Caitlin crawls away from the scene.] "Oops! Must've been mistaken."
Joe: "Look, I just wanted to check in with her about the wedding."
Nikki: "Sorry, she's...not here."
Joe: "Well, tell her I said hi." [He walks away.]
Jen: [waving] "Sure. Bye."
Nikki: [waving] "Catch you later."
[Joe stops and looks back at them. Jen and Nikki keep waving.]
[Joe turns around and keeps walking. As soon as he's gone, Jen and Nikki exhale a sigh of relief. They then go back and find Caitlin cowering in the photo booth.]
Jen: "You can't hide from Joe forever, Caitlin. Why didn't you just tell him the truth?"
Caitlin: "Because of this."
[Caitlin takes her hood off and reveals the green among the red in her hair.]
Nikki: [stunned] "Yeah. Uh, uh good call."
[Caitlin begins crying again.]
Undergr Taj Mahome Indie Films, Wayne is outlining the plan to his employees.]
Wayne: "Okay, so the plan is to chase every customer out of the store and to try and lose money at every opportunity."
Jude: "Not a problem."
[The employees then go on a rampage, doing their best to scare away customers. Wayne is first.]
Wayne: [to Darth] "Can I just ask you something, because you're here every day: don't you have any friends?"
[Darth leaves, despondent. Ax walks up.]
Wayne: "Oh goodie, the vampire is here! The tanning salon is thataway?" [Wayne chuckles as Ax leaves, offended.] "Yeah." [An older man walks up to him.]
Harold: "Do you carry Celine Murray Unplugged?"
Wyatt: [inside the store] "Try the deli! Just ask for the cheese section!" [He and Jude laugh. Harold leaves.]
Glutes Girl: [carrying a movie] "Excuse me–"
Jude: "No, excuse me!" [He farts.] "Aah."
Glutes Girl: "Uuh!" [She drops her movie and runs out of the store.]
Wyatt: "Euugh! Nasty."
Jude: "Mission accomplished."
Wyatt: "Good strategy, though." [A woman comes up to the desk.] "I'll take that." [He runs a magnet over the tape and hands it back.] "There you go! That should ensure that the tape is completely erased."
Older Lady: "Well won't that mean I can't watch the movie?"
Wyatt: "Yeah. Have a nice day."
[The woman angrily leaves the store. A few hours later, Wayne checks the receipts for the day.]
Wayne: "We're still making money here. We're gonna have to crank this operation up a notch."
Jonesy: "Amateurs! I'm the world champion at losing money, and I'm sitting here, on my butt, an unused resource."
Jude: "It's true, dude."
Wayne: "Yeah. I'll wear this turban to a concert before I hire you back."
Jonesy: [nonchalant] "Okay."
Wayne: "Men, do your worst."
Jude and Wyatt: "Aye aye, captain!"
[Wyatt goes over to a pre-teen girl who is browsing for movies.]
Wyatt: "The guy dies at the end." [The girl looks at another film.] "The guy's a ghost but doesn't know it yet. That's the big twist!" [The girl growls and shoves the case into his gut.]
Pre-teen girl: "Thanks a lot!"
[The girl storms out of the store. Jude's chosen target is a large man with many muscles. He throws a DVD case at the man's head. It hits its target.]
Tattoo Muscle Guy: "Hey!"
[Jude, hiding behind the stack, chuckles. The tattooed man comes around the stack, fist ready.]
Jude: "Dude, n–" [Punch.] "Aw, m–" [Punch.] "Whoa–" [Knockout.]
[When Jude comes to, Jonesy is staring down at him.]
Jonesy: "Nice shiner, buddy."
[Jude has been lifted onto the couch and given an ice pack. He rests it against his black eye.]
Wayne: "Gutsiest move I ever saw man."
[Nikki, Jen, Jonesy, Jude, and Wyatt are sitting at their usual table. The Big Squeeze is closed.]
Jude: "Stupid loyal customers. We keep making money!"
Jonesy: "The best advice in the biz is just a few feet away. I've got the plan to end all plans. Just get Wayne to hire me back, and it's yours."
Jude: "I'm gonna get more ice." [He gets up and leaves.]
Caitlin: [inside the Big Squeeze] "Why don't you just help them now, Jonesy?"
[Jonesy is about to respond when he realizes something.]
Jonesy: "Why is the lemon closed?"
Caitlin: [opening it a crack] "I went to a new hairstylist." [She opens it halfway so Jonesy can see.]
Jonesy: [laughing] "Ahh! Man, that's bad!"
Caitlin: "I know, I'm hideous!"
Wyatt: "Why don't you go back to your usual guy and ask him to fix it?"
Caitlin: "I can't show him! He can not ever know that I cheated on him or he'll never book me in again!"
Jonesy: "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. It's like saying I can't buy hockey pucks from any store other than the Penalty Box."
Caitlin: "It is totally not the same thing. It's like cheating on a boyfriend. You get close to someone, tell them all your secrets, and then brutally dump them for someone more famous. What do you guys think I should do?"
Jen: "If you ever want to show your face to Joe again, you're gonna have to come clean."
Caitlin: "You're right! Let's do this."
[The girls are standing outside the spa.]
Caitlin: "Okay. I'm going in." [Caitlin enters the spa.]
Jen: [observing] "That's it, butter him up with a free squishy..."
Nikki: "Ooh, squishy refused."
[Caitlin comes out again.]
Caitlin: "He can't see me until Tuesday. I'm not gonna be able to go to this wedding."
Jen: "Oh yes you will. I've got a plan."
[Caitlin has a huge, ecstatic grin on her face and a gigantic afro on her head.]
Caitlin: "Uh, so you think it's me?"
Jen: [uncertain] "Uh, oh, yeah! Yeah. That is so fetch."
Nikki: "Uh–very–uh–retro. Retro. And-and it totally covers all of your real hair. So, uh, let's go."
[The girls are sitting at the usual table. Jonesy comes by; seeing Caitlin, his eyes bug.]
Jonesy: [laughing] "Yo ma sista, catch you on the flip side soul queen!"
[Caitlin angrily gets up, tears off the wig, and heads into her workstation. She pulls her hoodie up and cries.]
Nikki: [whispering] "Why did you tell her to take off the wig?"
Jonesy: "You want her showing up at a wedding looking like a deranged disco queen? I'll catch you later."
[Jonesy leaves. Caitlin has stopped crying.]
Caitlin: "Jonesy's right. My only hope is to skip the wedding and try to avoid Joe until Tuesday." [Her phone rings. Caitlin picks it up and gasps.] "It's him!" [answering] "Hello?"
Joe: "Where are you?"
Caitlin: "Oh, I'm uh, home sick." [She fakes a cough.] "I'm so sick I-I don't think I can come to the wedding."
Joe: "Oh, that's too bad."
Joe: "Get well."
Joe: "You're welcome."
Caitlin: "Bye." [She hangs up.] "He sounded so sad."
Nikki: "Are you sure you want to miss this wedding over a bad hair day?"
Caitlin: "And have him see me like this? Definitely. Oh, I am never going to anyone but Andre again."
[Blade and Christo walk into
Underg TAJ MAHOME INDIE FILMS.]
Christo: "We've got a serious problem here."
Wayne: "Oh, I'd say we have a few. Where would you like to start?"
Christo: "How about this? There's no partying going on! It's the Taj Mahome Video party patrol! C'mon! Let's see your team spirit!"
[Once again, the vaguely Indian music begins playing, and the belly dancers come into the store.]
Blade: [singing] "Hosting snobs for a dinner party?/We have films that are totally artsy."
Christo: "A fun night in with just the girls/Watch a romance as you braid your curls."
Blade, Christo, Belly Dancers: [in tandem] "And if you want a really bad scare rent 'Dude of the Living Dead' if you dare we've got your movie and it's all good, action romance Bollywood!"
Wayne: [as glitter falls from the ceiling] "This has gotta end."
Christo: [handing them a list] "I'm just gonna ask you guys to go ahead and learn all the songs for tomorrow. Alrighty? Thanks."
[Blade and Christo leave. Jude jumps in front of Wayne.]
Jude: "IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS PRECIOUS, HIRE JONESY!!!"
Wyatt: "If you want this ship to go under, he's the only man for the job!"
[Wayne slaps his forehead.]
[Jonesy is drinking a soda in Grind Me when he gets a call.]
Jonesy: "Yo, speak."
Wayne: "It's Wayne. You're hired."
[Jonesy tosses his cup away and realigns himself.]
Stuart Goldstein: [getting hit] "Ouch."
Jonesy: "Well, well, welly well well. If you admit that Top M16s is a great film, I'll consider your offer."
Wayne: "No way."
Jonesy: "Okay then. If you'll excuse me, I've got more ogling to do."
Wayne: [unenthusiastic] "Okay, Top M16s is a...great film."
Jonesy: "Say 'Top M16s is a cinematic masterpiece.'"
Wayne: "Top M16s is a cinematic masterpiece."
Jonesy: "I want you to make me believe it. Yell it for me! 'I love Top M16s! Show me Top M16s!'"
Wayne: "I love Top M16s! Show me the movie! Show me the movie!"
Jonesy: "Top M16s is the best movie ever made in the history of movies!"
Wayne: [at the end of his rope] "Top M16s is the best movie ever made in the history of movies!"
Wyatt: "He's really making him work for it!"
Jonesy: "Take Top M16s and put it on the Wayne's Picks Wall. Do it! Do it!"
Wayne: "Okay. It's on my Picks Wall. Now will you just get your butt down here?"
Jonesy: "I dunno, I'm a little busy."
Wayne: [wailing] "WAAAAHHHHAAAAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAHAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!"
Jonesy: "All right, I'll be right there. Consider your store bankrupt."
Und Taj Mahome, Jonesy is outlining his plan.]
Jonesy: "Alright, listen up. 70% of the customers in this store are guys, right? Well we're about to turn every single one of them off this store for good. And I've got the perfect weapon." [He whistles, and the dancers appear.]
Jude: "But they're all hot."
Jonesy: "Do you trust me or don't you?"
Wayne: "We trust you! We trust you."
[Jen and Caitlin are sitting together.]
Caitlin: "Think his family would've liked me?"
Jen: "Definitely. What's not to like?"
[Nikki walks up, laughing slightly.]
Nikki: "Guys, you've got to see this. Come on."
Caitlin: "I can't! What if I run into Joe?"
[Nikki rolls her eyes.]
Nikki: "Jen, are you coming? Come on!"
[Nikki and Jen rush off.]
Caitlin: "Go. Tell me all about it. I'll just sit here. Alone. Ugly."
[Jen and Nikki are laughing at an impressive sight.]
Jen: "No way!"
Nikki: "What'd I tell you?"
Jen: "This is just so bad!"
[The four new Taj Mahome hires are dressed like belly dancers.]
Jonesy: "That's the idea!"
[A pre-teen girl comes up to them and laughs before moving on. The next visitor is a teenage boy.]
Teenager: "HWAAAH!" [He runs away, presumably to find somewhere to puke.]
Jude: "It's working! No one's coming in!"
Jonesy: [to a stunned Blade and Christo] "How do you like that spirit, huh?"
[Blade and Christo run away.]
Jen: "Yeah!" [Joe walks up to the belly dancing boys.]
Joe: "Hey dude, have you seen Caitlin?"
Jude: "Not since this afternoon."
Joe: "Hey, you're good friends with her. Do you think she's acting kind of weird lately? I feel like she's avoiding me."
Jude: "All I know is that she was feeling really guilty about cheating on some guy."
Joe: [angry] "Oh? Well just pass on a message for me. We're through!"
Jude: "You got it."
[Caitlin has just heard the news through her cell phone.]
Caitlin: "Okay Jude. Thanks." [She hangs up.] "I can't believe he dumped me. He must've seen my hair." [She looks up and gasps.] "There he is." [She angrily gets up and marches over to Joe.] "Hey, I wanna talk to you! How could you dump me over a haircut? I mean, okay, it was a really really bad haircut, but a woman has an inalienable right to choose her own hairstyle!"
Joe: "I broke up with you because Jude told me you cheated on me."
Joe: "Jude said you were avoiding me because you cheated."
Caitlin: "Oh, I cheated on my hairstylist, not on you! Yes, I know, it was a really awful thing to go do, but it was Fabris. So, we're okay?"
Joe: "Totally. And you have to come to the wedding. But bring a wig."
Caitlin: [giggling] "'Kay."
[The gang, with Wayne substituted for Caitlin, is around the table. They're still wearing the dancer costumes.]
Jen: "So it worked."
Wayne: "Taj Mahome Video finally caved and sold Underground off cheap. To me."
Jude: "Victory is ours! Now we can take these dresses off, right?"
Wayne: "Uh-huh, and you my friend will now be getting all of your rentals free."
Jonesy: "So now you're the owner?"
Wayne: "You know what this means, don't you?"
Jonesy: "I get free rentals too? Sweet."
Wayne: "No. You're fired."
Jonesy: "What? After I saved your store, and wore this for two days, you'd do that?"
Wayne: "Oh, and Top M16s? Sucks!"
Caitlin: "Hi!" [She walks up, hair back to normal.]
Nikki: "Nice hair. So, how was the wedding?"
Caitlin: "Oh, it was so dreamy!"
Joe: [walking up] "What do you think?" [He has an orange mohawk.] "Fabris did it."
Caitlin: "I think we should talk." [She leads him away from the table.] "Maybe this relationship is going a bit too fast."
Nikki: "Oh, he's done."
Wyatt: "Like a turkey dinner."