Jonesy: "Does my breath stink?" [He breathes in the direction of Nikki, who goes comatose.] "And she said I couldn't handle the extra-hot peppers."
Jude: [waving his hand in front of Nikki's face] "Dude, I think you broke Nikki."
Caitlin: "Time for a comatose makeover!"
[Hearing this, Nikki shakes her head from side to side.]
Nikki: "I'm back. Unfortunately."
[Wyatt walks up to the table carrying flowers and chocolates.]
Jonesy: "Flowers and candy?" [He makes a whip-crack noise.] "Somebody's whipped."
Wyatt: "I wish. After what happened last night, I'll be lucky if I still have a relationship."
Caitlin: "Gory details, go!"
Wyatt: "Last night, Marlowe and I were at the movies, watching some chick flick...and I asked Serena to pass the popcorn."
[Everyone but Jude and Wyatt gasps.]
Jude: "Serena? As in your ex-girlfriend Serena?"
Wyatt: "That would be the one."
Caitlin: "That kind of dating faux pas requires splurging for the good stuff. Roses and Belgian chocolates."
[Marlowe walks by angrily. Wyatt sees her.]
Wyatt: "Marlowe! Wait!" [Marlowe stops, and he runs up to her and hands over the gifts.] "I'm so sorry for last night. I even wrote you a poem."
Marlowe: [reading] "Marlowe, you're amazing. Better than the glutes on a ballerina. That dope hundred-foot yacht at the marina. Or the hi-def Jumbotron at the arena." [Marlowe looks at Wyatt angrily.] "You couldn't even write me my own rhyming poem? Ballerina, marina, arena? All things that rhyme with Serena!!!" [She throws the flowers back at Wyatt, tears up the poem, and storms away.]
Wyatt: [to himself] "Did not see that one coming." [He hangs his head.]
The opening credits roll.
The title of this episode is
Insert Name Here
[Wyatt is talking things over with Caitlin and Jen.]
Wyatt: "Maybe a special lemon whip would say 'I'm sorry for calling you Serena again, Marlowe.'"
Wyatt: "Aw, I need help!" [pacing] "It's not like I still have feelings for Serena, so why do I keep doing it?"
Jen: "Wyatt, you're being too hard on yourself! You're a great guy and you didn't mean to hurt Marlowe."
Wyatt: [sighing] "Thanks."
Caitlin: "Sorry. Just being honest."
Jen: "Just explain it to Marlowe and I'm sure she'll understand."
Wyatt: "Yeah! You're right! It's worth a try! Thanks!"
[Wyatt walks away from the lemonade stand.]
Jonesy: "Suhweet!" [He and Jude are standing next to an orange sports car.]
Jude: "Who would just abandon such a sweet set of wheels in the mall?"
Jonesy: "I think they use it in the promo for that Speed Demon sports drink."
Jude: "Let's take her out for a test drive."
Jonesy: [opening the hood] "Can't. No engine. Car's just a prop."
Jude: "More than one way to test drive." [He gets in the car and pretends to make out with someone.] "Oh seaty...you're revving my engine."
Jonesy: [to Caitlin and Jen] "Poor guy's lonely." [getting an idea] "A sweet ride like this shouldn't go to waste! I can rent it out as a makeout car and charge admission!" [He and Jude hi-five.]
Jonesy and Jude: "Sweet!"
Jen: "Okay, um, sorry to rain on your parade, but who's gonna pay good money to sit in some old sports car and make out?"
[A couple walk up to Jonesy, hand him five dollars, and get in the car.]
Jonesy: "You were saying?"
[Jen rolls her eyes.]
[Marlowe is working at North Shore when Wyatt crawls up, waving a white flag.]
Wyatt: "Can this idiot surrender?"
Marlowe: "Only if you promise not to drop any more Serena bombs on me."
Wyatt: [climbing to his feet] "I'm so sorry, Marlowe. You are my girlfriend, and I wouldn't have it any other way. That is, if you'll take this dummy back?"
Marlowe: "Okay. I forgive you. Again. On one condition."
Marlowe: "You never mention the name Serena again."
Serena: [walking past] "Hey Wyatt."
Wyatt: [automatically] "Hi Serena." [realizing what he did] "That doesn't count, right?"
Marlowe: "I'll let it go this time." [She offers her cheek for a kiss, which Wyatt gives.]
Wyatt: "You're officially the best girlfriend ever. See you later, Sarlowe." [He jolts.] "I can explain! You know when you're extra-sensitive about saying the wrong thing so your brain makes you say the wrong thing again and again even though you don't mean it?" [He chuckles nervously. Marlowe stares at him angrily as he backs away.] "Okay, well, I'll catch up with you later, Marena." [He jolts.] "I mean, Salarlow. I mean, Marlowe. Bye." [to himself] "Man! What is my damage?"
[Jude is polishing the ice when he sees a beautiful figure skater. He gapes as he stares at her.]
[The girl skates by again, and looks back at him with a smile for a moment before moving on.]
Jude: [chasing after her] "Wait! Beautiful skating dudette! Come back!" [He sees Coach Halder in front of him.] "Whoa." [Jude stops the Zamboni.]
Coach Halder: [to his student] "Practice will have to wait, Claudette. Allez!" [to Jude] "You can go too."
Jude: [chuckling] "Since when do you coach figure skating, Coach?"
Coach Halder: "Allez!"
Jude: "No clue what that means, dude. But can you introduce me to Claudette?"
Coach Halder: "Eau de sues de mon Claude no! Idiot!"
Jude: "Okay. Catch you later, Coach."
[The line for the makeout car has extended back to the Khaki Barn.]
Kirsten: "Couples are blocking us from selling things to our valued customers!"
Nikki: "So we sell a few less tube tops. The world will be a better place."
Kristen: "Tube tops do make the world a better place. Hello? Saggage?"
Chrissy: "Our tube tops come with a built-in shelf bra."
Nikki: "Hopeless. Utterly hopeless."
[Jonesy is holding back the line. He checks his watch.]
Jonesy: [to the car] "Okay, time's up, time to let someone else make out." [The crowd pushes forward.] "Whoa, whoa, patience, people! The Jonesmiester is here to help you fulfill your makeout dreams." [Nikki taps him on the shoulder.] "Ah." [nervous] "Hey Nikki. How much did you hear?"
Jonesy: [nervous] "I can explain! They don't get to make out with me, see, just, in my car."
Nikki: "You're always taking people for a ride, aren't you."
Jonesy: "Nah, the car's just a prop. Care for a free turn? I get off work at five."
Nikki: [shrugging him off] "Don't touch me."
[Wyatt is giving Marlowe food to try and compensate.]
Wyatt: "I got you a veggie burger with extra pickles just the way you like it, half onion rings and half fries, and a delicious caramel sundae."
Marlowe: "We need to talk."
Wyatt: "We need to talk? Wait. Are you breaking up with me?"
Marlowe: "Wyatt, you're a really nice guy."
Wyatt: "Not 'you're a really nice guy'! What's next? 'It's not you, it's me'?"
Marlowe: "No. It's definitely you. You obviously still have feelings for Serena, and until you work through them, I can't be the wrongly-named third wheel. Goodbye, Wyatt."
[Marlowe leaves. Wyatt thunks his head into the food.]
[Later that day, Wyatt is with Caitlin and Jen by the Big Squeeze, but his face is still plunged into some food.]
Jen: "Is that a 'I'm still into Serena' moan or a 'My head is smushed into a plate of fries' moan?"
Caitlin: "Judging from the pitch and timbre, I'd have to say it's a 'Marlowe broke up with me' moan."
Wyatt: [looking up, surprised] "You're good."
Caitlin: "Thanks! I'm sorry, Wyatt."
Jen: "You so didn't deserve to be dumped! Even if you did call Marlowe Sarlowe, Marena, and Salarlowe."
[Wyatt begins crying and plunges his face into his food again.]
Caitlin: "You need to do a Serena purge. I once knew this guy who was pretty sure he was a second cousin of an Aboriginal shaman–or was it third?"
Jen: "Caitlin, the point?"
Caitlin: "Right. Well, he said in order to get over someone, you have to get rid of everything that's ever belonged to them. Then their spirit is free to wander the earth and get the heck out of your life."
Wyatt: "A Serena purge? And this will stop me from ever saying her name again?"
Caitlin: "Oh definitely."
Wyatt: "Let's do it!"
Caitlin: "Okay, but you have to hand yourself over to me. Body and belongings."
Wyatt: "Sure. How bad can it be?"
[Wyatt is pinned under Caitlin, who is wrestling with him for his phone.]
Wyatt: "No! Not Serena's number! What if I need to call her for some nonspecific reason?"
Caitlin: "Don't fight the purge, Wyatt." [She gets control of the phone and deletes the number.] "There. Serena's number is officially deleted."
Wyatt: [straining] "I can get out of this anytime I want, you know."
Wyatt: "You're freakishly strong for someone so small. Urrgh!"
[Ron drives up to the car, siren blasting.]
Ron: "This mall isn't big enough for you, me, and all these kissing couples."
Jonesy: "No law against showing a little affection in public."
Ron: "Actually there is. You're in violation of Public Displays of Affection Awareness Month." [He grabs Jason and Joanie out of the car.] "I'm taking you in."
Jonesy: "No! Not my customers!" [Ron drives away.] "Aw, man. Just when I was starting to make some real coin."
Jude: "Don't let Ron spoil the love. Bro doesn't own the mall."
Jonesy: "Yeah. If anyone knows all the best makeout spots in the mall, it's me! I can sell secret mall makeout maps instead!"
Jude: "You know all the secret makeout spots?"
Jonesy: "Got something in mind, dude?"
Jude: "I met the figure-skating Claudette dudette of my dreams today. But the coach won't let me talk to her. He's keeping us apart, like some kind of–you know, that movie, where the lovers are kept apart?"
Jonesy: "Romeo and Juliet?"
Jude: "Nah, that's not it. Who was in The Fast and the Furious?"
Jonesy: "As the inspiration behind the map, I'll let you in on a secret even Coach doesn't know about."
Jude: "You know ice rink secrets?"
Jonesy: "So you and Claudette can have some alone time, if you get my drift."
Jonesy: [whispering] "There's a small hole in the back of locker number 3."
[Caitlin is trying to rip Wyatt's shirt off. Julie watches.]
Wyatt: "Oh! C'mon! But it's my favorite t-shirt!"
Caitlin: "Serena gave it to you! Now hand it over!" [She rips Wyatt's shirt off. Wyatt covers himself.]
Wyatt: [to Julie] "Hey. How's it going?"
Caitlin: "Sometimes a girl has to do what a girl has to do."
Julie: "You said it! Fight the power, girlfriend!"
[A bunch of junk is scattered on the table by the Big Squeeze. Wyatt is bruised and bandaged.]
Wyatt: "Please tell me we're done."
Caitlin: "Soon as you clean up this mess, your Serena purge is complete."
Wyatt: [sighing] "And all it cost me was my favorite shirt, 26 CDs, my journal–oh. And my dignity."
Caitlin: "Don't you feel any better?"
Wyatt: "You know, I do. I feel–lighter."
Caitlin: "That's the power of the purge!"
Wyatt: "I'm gonna go home and shower, then head to Marlowe's. I should look my best when I grovel."
Caitlin: [stopping him] "Not so fast."
Wyatt: "But you just said we were done!"
Caitlin: "The purge is over, but you still have the final, very important stage to complete!"
Wyatt: "Oh, tell me it's not some kind of Aboriginal wolf-wrestling ceremony. I'm a little worn out."
Caitlin: "Close. You have to come face-to-face with Serena one last time."
Wyatt: "W-what?!? I can't do that!"
Caitlin: "You have to."
Wyatt: "How is seeking out my ex gonna help me forget her name?!?"
Caitlin: "Because you have to look Serena in the eyes and make sure you have absolutely no feelings left for her. The guy who was the cousin of the possible shaman wouldn't lie. If you're over Serena, there's nothing to be afraid of."
Wyatt: "But–Serena was my first girlfriend." [worried] "What if I never get over her?"
[Caitlin scan the mall through binoculars, looking at shoppers.]
Caitlin: "Yummy Mummy. Lonely. Mid-forties. Has one son, Stanley, who often subs for a real man in her life." [moving on] "Nerdy guy. Male. Early forties. Still lives with his mother."
Penalty Box Customer: "I'm-I-I'm only thirty-nine."
Wyatt: "And how exactly is this going to help us find Serena?"
Caitlin: "You have to make it look like you ran into Serena accidentally. Otherwise, she might think we've been stalking her."
Wyatt: "But we have been stalking her."
Caitlin: [centering her binoculars on Serena] "There she is! Go go go! And remember, don't be too obvious!" [A guy steps in front of her binoculars.] "Whoa! Hottie alert!" [He clears his throat, and Caitlin lowers her binoculars, revealing that he's only a few feet in front of her.] "Oh. Hi there."
[Wyatt is in the stacks of CDs. He sees Serena and randomly grabs an album.]
Wyatt: "Hmm. This looks good." [He looks at the cover.] "Country music! Ugh!" [He quickly drops the CD.]
Serena: [noticing him] "Hey Wyatt. I'll be with you in a sec."
[Wyatt nods and his phone rings. He answers.]
Wyatt: "Yo, Wyatt here."
Marlowe: "Hey Wyatt."
Wyatt: "Marlowe! I'm so glad you called! I was just thinking about–"
Serena: "Wyatt, we just got a great shipment of CDs in from England. I think you'll really like them."
Marlowe: [accusingly] "Wyatt? Are you with Serena?"
Wyatt: "Yes, but it's not what–"
Marlowe: "Just bring my stuff back! Tonight!"
Wyatt: "Marlowe, don't hang–" [She hangs up.] "Hello?" [depressed] "Marlowe wants her stuff back. Tonight."
[Wyatt slinks out of the store, on the way passing Caitlin, who has started talking to the hottie.]
Caitlin: [running after Wyatt] "Wyatt, wait!"
[Jude finds his way to the hole and looks in. He sees Coach Halder decked out as a figure skater.]
Coach Halder: [singing] "Back straight, head held high, tushie tight if you want to fly!" [He leaps.] "Nailed that axel! Yeah! Oh, I feel good. I love this! It feels so nice!"
[Jude begins laughing. After a short break, he sticks his head in again.]
Jude: "Nice threads, dude!"
Coach Halder: "AAAH! Who said that? Who-what-where-who-who's there?"
[Jude laughs as Claudette walks up behind him.]
Jude: "Coach is a closet figure skater?" [Claudette taps him on the shoulder.]
Claudette: "Salut, ça va?" ("Hello, how are you?")
Jude: "Sorry bra, don't speak angel." [Claudette bats her eyes at him, and he does the same.]
Claudette: "Aime de patinage d'rtistique?" ("Do you love figure skating?")
Jude: "I love art! I mainly make sculptures out of meat."
Claudette: "Tu es drôle." ("You are funny.")
Jude: "You have real pretty hair." [Coach Halder grabs him by the scruff of his neck.]
Coach Halder: "Ah-ha! Gotcha! There's a place for pervs like you! You weirdo."
Coach Halder: "You'll find out."
Coach Halder: "Kinda spoiling the dramatic tension here."
[Nikki walks over to a changing room and pushes the door open to find Kirsten and a Greeter God making out.]
Nikki: "Ugh! Gross! That's my secret change room! The one I hide in when I want to get away from you people?"
Kirsten: "Well Jonesy said it was a great place to make out."
[Nikki stomps out of the store angrily and heads for the car where Jonesy is hocking his wares.]
Jonesy: [to a customer] "Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back."
Nikki: [putting on an accent] "Ya, I'd like to buy map two, if you please."
Jonesy: "A hot Swedish chick?" [turning around] "Aweseh-h-hey there, Nikki. How much do you know?"
Nikki: "Everything. You sold me out to the clones." [She begins hitting him with a map.]
Jonesy: "Ow ow! I can explain!"
Nikki: "Thanks to your stupid makeout map, I no longer have a place to hide!" [She hits Jonesy again and unfolds the map. She gasps.] "How many of these makeout places have you tried?"
Jonesy: "Now probably wouldn't be the best time to brag, huh?"
Nikki: "Aw, gross!" [She throws the map away and walks off.]
Jonesy: [calling after his girlfriend] "Does it really matter? My lips picked you!" [desperate] "Nikki!"
[Jude is locked up with Jason and Joanie, who are still making out. He rattles his skateboard against the cell bars.]
Jude: "You gotta let me out, man! I need to tell Claudette how I feel!"
Coach Halder: "If I have my way, you'll get life!"
Jude: "I really like Claudette. Kinda like how you really like figure skating."
Coach Halder: "Ach, I could've been great!" [depressed] "I could stickhandle my way through a triple Salchow, telling you. I had one sharp inside edge. If it weren't for my dad! No son of mine is going to prance around the ice!" [crying] "So...so hurtful..."
Jude: "Parents can be harsh."
Coach Halder: "I'll let you out if you promise to keep this our little secret."
Jude: "Sure thing Coach. If you hook me up with Claudette."
Coach Halder: "Hmm..." [opening the cage] "Ice rink. Nine sharp. See you then."
Jude: "Awesome!" [He stops.] "I can close the rink, you know...give you a little private ice time? If you want?"
Coach Halder: [laughing gleefully] "You and Claudette are in for the show of your lives!"
[Caitlin applies makeup while Wyatt fixes burgers.]
Caitlin: "You sure you're okay?"
Wyatt: "It's over. Marlowe wants her stuff back."
Caitlin: "No, Wyatt! You can't give up so easily!"
Wyatt: "Caitlin, nothing about these last two days has been easy."
Caitlin: "Chad used to go to my school, and I think I can set up a fake double date. That way, you can face Serena once and for all, and I'll be there for moral support."
Wyatt: [touched] "You'd–do that for me? You really are the best friend ever."
Caitlin: "Correction. Tonight, I'm the best girlfriend ever."
[Jen and Jonesy are in the Penalty Box.]
Jen: "Thanks for putting the storage room on your map. We've had all kinds of customers."
Jonesy: [depressed] "Today I spend my life surrounded by smooching, paying customers. And I can't enjoy it without Nikki."
Jen: "That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard you say."
Jonesy: "Yeah, well don't get used to it."
Jen: "Jonesy, look around! Half the mall is in love, and it's all thanks to you. Throw some of that Nikki's way, and she'll be powerless to resist."
Jonesy: "You know what, sis? You're right."
Jen: "You know what, bro? You've never called me sis before."
Jonesy: "Aw, man! I've gone totally soft!"
Jen: [winking] "Your secret's safe with me."
[Jude and Claudette are eating snow cones in the bleachers.]
Jude: "Blue's my favorite snow flavor. How do you say it in French?"
Jude: "Yeah, blue."
Jude: "Oh, I get it! Blue is blue! French is totally easy." [standing up] "La show's about to la start!"
[The house lights go down, and spotlights shine on the ice. Coach Halder skates by, decked out in his figure skating costume, and stops in their glow. Claudette takes Jude's hand, and they kiss.]
[The Clones are standing in a row. Nikki walks up to them.]
Kristen: "Nikki, there's a customer stuck in one of the change rooms!"
Kristen: "So we can't get him out!"
Chrissy: "We need your help."
Kristen: "He's stuck in the last one!"
Nikki: "Of course he is."
[Nikki goes over and knocks on the door. It swings open.]
Chrissy: "We fixed it! Yay!" [Nikki turns to the Clones angrily.]
The Clones: [running off] "EEEEE!!!"
Nikki: [to Jonesy] "What are you d–" [He hands her some flowers.] "Flowers?" [She makes a whip crack sound effect.] "Somebody's whipped."
Jonesy: "I guess somebody is." [They smile at each other.]
[The double date has met up at Super Terrific Happy Sushi.]
Serena: "Can't say I wasn't surprised by the invite, Caitlin. I had no idea you and Wyatt were dating."
Caitlin: "It's very new, but we're very, um, happy. What're you gonna have, Pookie?"
Serena: "Chad and I were thinking of splitting the spicy tuna rolls."
Wyatt: [wistfully] "That's Marlowe's favorite."
Serena: "The funniest thing happened at work today. This guy came in looking for Barenaked Fat Guys, and Chad says–"
Wyatt: "Marlowe and I went to their concert last month. We laughed all night."
Serena: [upset] "How can you keep talking about your ex when your beautiful new girlfriend is sitting right here?"
Caitlin: "You think I'm beautiful? Thanks!"
Serena: "C'mon, Chad. Let's go." [She and Chad walk out.]
Caitlin: "I'm sorry that didn't go better, Wyatt."
Wyatt: [ecstatic] "Are you kidding? That went great! I was face to face with Serena, and all I could think about was Marlowe!"
Caitlin: "Yay! The purge worked!"
[The two embrace each other joyfully and swing each other around. Suddenly, a noise from the door attracts their attention. Marlowe is there, and was there just in time to see what appears to be Wyatt cheating on her.]
Wyatt: [happy] "Oh hey Marlowe."
[Wyatt realizes how the scene looks and sets Caitlin down. Marlowe leaves.]
Wyatt: [chasing after her] "No, wait! I can explain! This isn't what it looks like!"
[Jen is messing around with a tennis racket when Coach Halder walks up to her.]
Coach Halder: "Masterson! You're working overtime this weekend!"
Jen: "Sure thing, Coach. If you pay me time and a half."
Coach Halder: [laughing] "Oh, Masterson. That's a good one." [He walks off.]
Jen: [reciting flatly] "Back straight, head held high, tushie tight if you want to fly."
Coach Halder: [rushing back] "Where did you hear that?" [Jen smiles demurely.] "Alright. So next week, time and a half. No problem. Love ya."
Jen: "Sounds good to me."
[Coach Halder begins to contemplate how Jen could know his rhyme.]
[Caitlin, Nikki, and Jonesy are sitting at their usual table.]
Caitlin: "Glad to see you two made up."
Jonesy: "Yep. And all I had to do was give up the makeout car, the makeout maps, and grovel."
Nikki: "Ain't life grand." [She smooches Jonesy. Jude walks up and sits down with a sigh.] "Hey, what's with the long face?"
Jude: "Claudette landed the gig as the snow cone in the ice cream forest."
[Jonesy and Nikki look at each other, confused.]
Caitlin: "Ice Capades."
Jude: "I totally support chicks following their capade dreams, but I'm gonna miss–" [A hand closes about the scruff of his neck.] "Yahck!"
Coach Halder: [lifting Jude up angrily] "I thought we had an agreement."
Jude: [strangled] "I'm sorry! I'm no good at keeping secrets! Ask anyone!"
Nikki: "Oh, yes."
Jonesy: "Terrible." [Coach Halder growls. Suddenly, they hear the strains of an acoustic guitar.]
Wyatt: "I wrote this song/To let you know how I feel/I got your name wrong/But ooh I got you right/Yeah I got you right." [He finishes the song, and he and Marlowe kiss.]
Coach Halder: "Boy, that'd make a great song for my figure skate–" [He clamps a hand over his mouth.] "Um, ah, nevermind." [setting Jude down] "As you were. Boy, is it warm in here or what? Holy jiminy."
[The four friends laugh as Coach Halder walks away.]