[The gang are gathered around the table. Wyatt has his guitar with him. He speaks up.]
Wyatt: "I'm feeling lucky."
Jonesy: "What, did a customer die and leave you their pickup truck?"
Wyatt: "Better than that. Tomorrow, Star Contest is coming to the mall to scout for talent."
Jonesy: "Dude! That's the hottest talent search in the country!"
Caitlin: "That's so exciting! You have to sign up."
Wyatt: "I'm glad you think so, because I want you guys to audition too."
Nikki: "Did someone spike your coffee this morning? Wyatt, we suck."
Jen: "Yeah, have you heard Jonesy sing? He sounds like a dying moose."
Wyatt: "Look, it doesn't matter. Just go with me and try out. No one says you have to be good."
Caitlin, Nikki, and Jonesy: "Uuugggghhhh..."
Wyatt: "Come on, you guys. I'll never be able to do this alone. I need you."
Jonesy: "And I need a dad who lets me borrow his Porsche, but we don't always get what we want."
Wyatt: "It's actually good that you suck. You'll make me look better and I'll have a better shot at winning!"
Jen: "It's not going to happen."
Wyatt: [begging] "Please? I'll be indebted to you forever."
Jen: [giving in] "Okay, okay. I guess I can humiliate myself for five minutes."
Wyatt: [retaking his seat] "You're the best. A toast to Star Contest."
[The friends all take a long sip of their drinks.]
The opening credits roll.
The title of this episode is
Idol Time at the Mall
[The gang are around the table.]
Jude: "Gimme a lemonade, extra lemon."
[Caitlin pours the drink and slides it to him. Jude gulps it down and exhales.]
Jude: "I was thinking last night, and I have a question. Why are we all working?"
Caitlin: "For money?"
Jude: "Right! It's like, what is money, really? Just this pretty paper stuff that grows on trees."
Jonesy: "Yeah? Well you owe me fifteen of those pretty little pieces of paper, dude."
Jen: "You owe me ten."
Caitlin: "And you owe me six. Plus two bucks for that lemonade."
Jude: "All good examples, dudes. All because some suit at some big bank says this piece of paper is worth something, we use it for currency."
Jude: [holding up two kebabs] "These kebabs, for example, have an accepted consumer value of five dollars."
Jude: "So, why can't we use kebabs as currency in the mall?"
Caitlin: "Ehh...I don't think Albatross and Finch will accept kebabs in exchange for capris."
Jude: [turning to Jen] "So, I owe you ten dollars or four tasty chicken kebabs."
Jen: [accepting them] "Jude, how long have these been in your pocket?"
Jude: "A couple of hours." [He drops 2 and 1/2 kabobs on the lemonade stand.] "There you go. Six dollars, paid in full."
Caitlin: "I am not putting those in my purse!"
Jude: "How much do I owe you guys?"
Jonesy: "Forget it, dude!"
[Wyatt and Nikki are at the Khaki Barn. Nikki is drinking a lot of coffee.]
Wyatt: "Thanks for helping me with my song. I love the new bridge. And I owe you big time for staying up all night with me."
Nikki: "Does your stomach feel kind of raunchy? 'Cause ugh, my scalp is really itchy and my fingers are tingly!"
Wyatt: "You're not really much of a coffee drinker, are you?"
Nikki: [bouncing up and down on the couch] "No, why do you say that, is it because I'm a Pisces? I don't wear a wig."
Wyatt: [holding out a bottle] "Have some water, and calm down."
Nikki: "Yeah, good call." [She grabs the bottle and chugs.]
Wyatt: "I'm really nervous about this whole audition thing. What if they don't like me?"
Nikki: "You've been singing since the fourth grade! You're a natural!"
Wyatt: [getting up to leave] "I hope so. Let's get out of here."
Nikki: "Yeah, I've gotta get some sleep, 'cause night is only so long, and when it's over there's daytime and–" [touching Wyatt's face] "Your face seems very, very vivid to me right now."
[Jonesy is at Stick It with Jude. Jude puts a sausage on a weighted measure and cuts off the tip.]
Jonesy: "What are you doing?"
Jude: "Making sure every Stick It is the same exact mass."
Jonesy: "I've gotta hand it to you. You take weirdness to an entirely new level."
Jude: [holding up a stick-it] "Dude, this is currency. It has to be exact."
Jonesy: [looking at one dripping with sauce] "Do you really think people are gonna use this instead of money?"
Jude: "Sure. Wallets will have to change, but without change, we cannot advance as a society."
Jonesy: [taken aback] "Okay. I'm heading back to the real world now. Later bro."
[Jonesy leaves, and Jude takes a bite of his new currency. He smiles, enjoying the taste.]
[Star Contest has set up in the middle of the mall. Many chairs have been set out, and a large crowd is here.]
Announcer: "The Star Contest auditions will begin as soon as everyone is registered."
Sound Guy: "Check, one, two, check, testing, one, two."
[The gang, except Nikki, are at the back of the line. Jonesy arrives, decked out like a wannabe rapper.]
Jonesy: "Sup, homes! Yo man, I'm not gonna front, you need to chill! You feelin' me?"
Wyatt: "Jonesy, can you just give me some space? I'm trying to get ready."
Jonesy: "You better back up, you know what I'm sayin'? I wasn't even at da club. Fo' shizzle!"
Jonesy: "Don't hate, let a playa play! Hey, there's my homegirl."
Jen: "Step off, little woof-woof."
Jonesy: "Come on, girl, where's da love?" [Nikki arrives, looking exhausted. Jonesy notices.] "Dang, girl. This ain't an audition for an ugly commercial."
Nikki: [tired] "Drank too much coffee with Wyatt after work. No sleep."
Wyatt: "I shouldn't have let you drink all that coffee. Why don't you crash out on the sofa at the store?"
Nikki: "No, no. I'm gonna be alright." [She falls asleep on her feet.]
Announcer: "All right! It's time for the official Star Contest auditions!"
[Julie walks out on stage. She steps up to the microphone. Julie takes a deep breath and–]
Sarcastic Judge: "Next."
[Jen's audition is now up.]
Jen: [off-key] "Don't you stare at all the things I got/I'm just Jenny from the Penalty Box/Never had a job, now I'm working overtime/If you want to get to know me better get in line."
Sarcastic Judge: "That was awful, just awful."
Jen: "Thank you!"
[Jen flashes a thumbs-up at Wyatt, who returns it. Now it's time for Jonesy's audition.]
Jonesy: [rapping] "Listen up G got somethin' to say gonna break it down now like a pow-wow/A big bow-wow/Yo don't eat my chow/You like that ring/Check out my bling/I'm doing my thing and the bell's gonna ring/School's out, sucka!" [Jonesy's pants fall down.] "AAAH!" [He covers himself.]
Sarcastic Judge: "Ding, dong. Get off my stage. Next!"
[Ron is auditioning.]
Ron: [tapping out a rhythm] "Schnitzel. Pulsen. Strike it with a hammer. Metal on metal in the offal park. Hasselhoff on schoolbus. Hit me. Hit me. Uh-huh."
Caitlin: "Baby/I maxed out your card/Shopping for shoes/I been shopping so hard/B–"
Sarcastic Judge: "Next!"
Nikki: [in a monotone] "Thank god it's/Friday/It's time to/Party/Don't start without me/Pump it up/Everybody say/Hey boys–ugh, what am I doing here?"
Sarcastic Judge: "Oh good question. Next!"
[Smoke flows onto the stage. Jude is playing the turntables.]
Sarcastic Judge: "Yes well, are there any lyrics?"
Sarcastic Judge: "Next!" [Nobody arrives.] "Is that it then?"
Jonesy: [calling from the wings] "You forgot Wyatt Williams!" [whispering] "Get out there!"
[Wyatt stumbles onstage, and the sarcastic judge sits down.]
Sarcastic Judge: "Alright. Make it quick."
Jonesy: [offering encouragement] "You can do it buddy!"
[Wyatt clears his throat and begins to play.]
Wyatt: "My friends will always be around/If they sold coolness by the pound/They'd all be stinkin' rich/Stayin at the Ritz/Guaranteed to get you hoppin'/Need some clothes they'll take you shoppin'/Or hang out just like this/Oh yeah." [hitting the pre-chorus] "Who knows what the future's gonna bring?/I don't know much, but I'll tell you one thing–" [the chorus] "–I can depend on my friends/For everything/Don't matter where or when/Through anything/Right till the end/I can depend on my friends."
[Wyatt finishes his song, and the crowd cheers.]
Sarcastic Judge: "Finally, someone with an ounce of real talent. The lyrics could use some work, but you've got a great voice. Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a winner."
[Jude, Caitlin, and Nikki are seated around the table. Jude is counting his stick-its while Nikki sleeps.]
Jonesy: [arriving] "Slide over, sleeping ugly." [Nikki moans. Wyatt comes in and takes his seat.] "Look who's come back to the hood. I just hope you'll invite us to all your parties when you're famous."
Wyatt: [waving him off] "Yeah, yeah. I can't believe they picked me! I owe it all to you guys."
Caitlin: "So, what's next?"
Wyatt: "Tonight, I get to open for Utility Pool!"
Caitlin: [gasping] "They're awesome!"
Wyatt: "And...I got you all front-row tickets!"
Caitlin: "All right!"
Jonesy: "We'll be there."
Wyatt: "I knew I could count on you. If I see at least five friendly faces in the audience, I think I can do this."
[Backstage that night, Wyatt is pacing nervously. The sarcastic judge is watching him walk.]
Sarcastic Judge: "You'll be fine! Piece of cake."
Jonesy: [opening the door] "Yo, Wyatt! Good luck out there."
Sarcastic Judge: "Excuse me, only talent allowed back here. And if memory serves, you're not in danger of falling into that category." [to Wyatt] "You're on in ten." [to Jonesy] "You. Out! Now!"
[The judge tosses a towel out into the crowd, and some girls in it squeal. Jonesy hears this and picks up some bottles of water from the table before exiting.]
Jonesy: "I've got a bottle of water that Wyatt drank from here. Ten bucks!"
[The crowd cheers even louder.]
[Caitlin pulls Jen past Albatross and Finch, which is having a 50% off sale.]
Caitlin: "Hurry up, we're gonna miss Wyatt's show!" [She skids to a halt.] "No. Way." [Caitlin comes back.] "Albatross and Finch never has sales! They don't have to."
Jen: [stopping her friend] "We don't have time for this."
Caitlin: "Seventy-five seconds, I promise. I can do huge damage in under two minutes."
Greeter God: [walking up to them] "Welcome to Albatross and Finch."
[Caitlin and Jen gasp at this mountain of male beauty.]
Greeter God: [to Caitlin] "Hey."
Jen: "I guess we could go in for a minute."
[Wyatt is still pacing backstage.]
Sarcastic Judge: "You'll be fine!"
[Wyatt looks out on the crowd. The front-row seats he reserved for his friends are occupied only by a sleeping Nikki.]
Wyatt: "Where is everybody?"
[At the Albatross and Finch, Jen and Caitlin are checking out sales.]
Caitlin: "Boy-cut underwear! Two for one!"
[At the ticket booth, Jude is trying to pay with kebabs.]
Usher: "Sorry man, I only take cash."
Punk: "I'll sell you my shirt for three stick-its and a burger."
Jude: "You got a deal!"
[Jonesy is selling Wyatt-themed merchandise.]
Jonesy: "They say you shed forty pounds of skin in your lifetime, so you'll literally be taking home a piece of Wyatt when you buy any of these personal objects!"
Wyatt: [still looking into the crowd] "I don't believe it! None of my friends showed up!" [going back in] "Thanks a lot, guys." [picking up his notepad] "Time for some new lyrics."
[Onstage, the sarcastic judge is announcing the opening act.]
Sarcastic Judge: "It is my great pleasure to announce our Star Contest regional winner, Wyatt!"
[Wyatt comes onstage, Les Paul strapped on. The crowd cheers.]
Wyatt: [voice dripping with contempt] "This is a song I wrote about my friends."
[Wyatt stomps on the distortion pedal and begins to angrily sing and play.]
Wyatt: "Jonesy really is a jerk/Hits on anything in a skirt/Jude thinks he's a dude/He doesn't have a clue!/Caitlin wears a giant lemon/Thinks the shopping mall is heaven/And Jen?/She's just plain rude!/Nikki thinks she's tough!/She can't even wake up!/None of you were there for me!" [He stops and screams, kicking the microphone over.] "YOU SUCK!!!"
[The crowd cheers. Only then does Wyatt realize what he's done. The sarcastic judge comes onstage.]
Sarcastic Judge: "I'm impressed. That version was even better than the original!"
Wyatt: "Thanks." [to the crowd] "You guys rock!"
[Jen and Caitlin put their purchases down at the usual table.]
Jen: "I can't believe we totally missed Wyatt's performance!"
Caitlin: "I feel so bad I can't even enjoy the blissful afterglow of shopping!"
Jen: "How did I even get all these clothes?"
Caitlin: "That's their marketing technique. They suck you in with gorgeous staff, and the next thing you know you're buying the clothes to live the dream."
[Jude and Jonesy arrive.]
Jen: "Hey guys, how was the show?"
Jonesy: "I'm not sure. He must have been good, though. I sold all of my Wyatt memorabilia."
Jude: "I didn't have any cash on me, and the ticket dude wasn't hungry."
[Nikki shows up, still looking trashed.]
Jonesy: "Yo, walking dead, you were there, how was Wyatt?"
Nikki: "I woke up, and everyone was gone."
Caitlin: [realizing] "None of us saw Wyatt's act?"
Jonesy: "Well, maybe he couldn't see that we weren't there because of the bright spotlights."
Wyatt: [arriving full of contempt] "No, I could see. So, where was everybody?"
[The table coughs. Jen then starts to apologize.]
Jen: "I am so sorry. It was Albatross and Finch? They had a Greeter God. And it's part of this huge conspiracy to suck you in and–"
[Jen looks up. Wyatt is not in any way buying it.]
Jen: "Caitlin made me do it!"
Caitlin: [gasping] "They had a sale they never have sales! Oh, I'm the worst friend ever, I know." [looking up] "But I did get this leather bracelet at half-off." [She tinkles the bracelet.]
Wyatt: "And you guys?"
Jonesy: "We were working the event. I was merchandizing an entire line of your products, getting your name out there, man."
Wyatt: "Shouldn't I be getting most of the profits from that?"
Jonesy: [let down] "I guess that'd make sense." [He hands over a stack of money.]
Jen: "Please forgive us, Wyatt. Next time we're so there!"
Jude: "Yeah. I should've brought cash. They weren't ready for the barter system yet."
Wyatt: "So none of you actually heard the song?"
Jonesy, Nikki, Jude, Jen, and Caitlin: [one by one] "No."
Caitlin: "We love that song. We knew you'd do a great job."
Wyatt: [uncomfortable] "Actually, I did a different version of the song." [changing the subject] "Anyway, just make sure you're there for my next show."
[The friends agree loudly in a convoluted rush.]
Wyatt: "Gotta bounce." [He heads out.]
Caitlin: "Wyatt took that pretty well."
Jen: "Yeah. That was really cool of him."
[At Spin This, Wyatt's song is playing over the stereo.]
Recorded Wyatt: "...she's just plain rude!"
[Chad approaches Wyatt.]
Chad: "I liked your song, Wyatt."
Recorded Wyatt: "Nikki thinks she's tough."
Chad: "Too bad your friends are such losers."
Recorded Wyatt: "She can't even wake up!"
Wyatt: "Yeah, well, they're not all that–"
Jude: [bumping into Wyatt] "Dude, isn't that your song?"
Recorded Wyatt: "YOU SUCK!"
[Jude looks shocked.]
Wyatt: [uncomfortable] "Jude. How's it going?"
Chad: [pushing him out] "Get outta here, man, you suck."
Jude: "Take it easy, bro! I was gonna buy something this time."
[Chad shoves him out and dusts his hands.]
[Wyatt is getting complimented by everybody while Jude walks off sadly and silently. Chad leads Wyatt to a wall.]
Chad: "We'd like you to sign the celebrity wall, man."
Wyatt: "This is so cool!"
[Wyatt takes the offered pen and signs the wall.]
Crowd: [cheering] "Wyatt! Wyatt! Wyatt! Wyatt! Wyatt! Wyatt!"
[A standee of Wyatt is set up in the Khaki Barn, and Kristen and Kirsten are feeling it up.]
Nikki: "You guys are so hopeless. He's just a guy, you know. I knew him way before he became big."
Kirsten: [amazed] "You did?" [connecting the dots] "Wait a minute. You're the Nikki in Wyatt's song?"
Kristen and Kirsten: [recoiling] "Eww!"
Kirsten: [backing Nikki up against the change room doors] "You don't deserve to be friends with him."
Kristen: "Yeah. You don't even deserve to be friends with friends of his."
Kirsten: "If you were my friend, I would like, so unbefriend you." [Nikki escapes into a room.]
Kristen: "And un-speed-dial you from my phone."
Kirsten: "Oh, so un-speed-dial worthy."
[Caitlin carries some clothes through Albatross and Finch.]
Caitlin: "Can you put these on hold for me under Caitlin?"
Greeter God: "Caitlin from the song? I'm afraid I can't do that."
Caitlin: "Isn't the sale still on?"
Greeter God: "Not for you. We don't want you representing our clothes. It's an image thing, you understand."
Caitlin: [voice quivering] "But I looked really good in those."
[Jonesy is in Spin This, rummaging through the garbage. Wyatt comes by.]
Jonesy: "Hey man, what's up?"
Wyatt: [incredibly happy] "I just signed my name beside Pierre Bouvier from Simple Plan." [He sees what Jonesy is doing.] "Why are you going through my garbage can?"
Jonesy: "Baby, this ain't garbage! This is memorabilia. We're gonna ride this all the way to the bank!"
Wyatt: "But you can't just keep following me, picking up everything that I've ever touched."
Jonesy: "You're right. It's time that we talked management."
Wyatt: "You want to manage me?"
Jonesy: "Sure, why not? Pack your things. As of this moment, you are no longer stuck in the country section of Spin This."
Wyatt: "Where are we going?"
Jonesy: [grabbing his friend] "To Adult Contempo!"
[Jen, Caitlin, and Jude are by the Big Squeeze. Nikki arrives and takes her seat.]
Caitlin: "Have you noticed people in the mall are acting really strange?"
Jude: "Yeah...you don't think they're all vampires, do you?"
Nikki: "I'll tell you why people are treating us differently. Wyatt's song. He changed the lyrics! He made us sound like the worst friends on the planet."
Caitlin: [gasping as she realizes why] "Because we didn't show up for his show."
Jen: "Now that you mention it, I got a ten-minute penalty for wearing my nametag crooked today!"
Caitlin: "And I got kicked out of Albatross and Finch!"
Nikki: [slamming her fist on the table] "It's been happening to all of us."
Jen: "I know we screwed up, but Wyatt can't do that. It'll ruin us!"
[Wyatt arrives. Those at the table studiously ignore him.]
Wyatt: "Hey guys."
Wyatt: "I guess you heard the song. I only changed the lyrics because I was mad, but it's cool now. Guess what? Petty Crime Records heard the song, and now they want to sign me! They're coming tomorrow to hear me play it live!" [Nobody responds.] "Come on, guys, lighten up."
Jude: [breaking the vow of silence] "Easy for you to say, dude. Everyone in the mall's treating us like piranhas!"
Jude: "No, I mean the stuff they want to avoid, like those fish, with the teeth."
Caitlin: "You have to get them to stop playing that song! It's humiliating!"
Wyatt: "Okay. I know I shouldn't have slammed you guys. But this could be my big break! It's just a song." [A group of pre-teen girls rushes him, notepads thrust out for autographs.] "Excuse me for a minute."
Jonesy: [pushing the fans away] "Make way, Wyatt's manager coming through. If you want to see Wyatt, he'll be at the official autograph signing in the food court in two minutes!" [quieter] "At five dollars a pop."
[A long line extends to a booth where Wyatt is signing autographs. His friends look down from the second floor.]
Jude: "What are we gonna do about this?"
Jen: "The more they love Wyatt, the more they hate us!"
[Downstairs, Jonesy is showing some pants off to Wyatt.]
Jonesy: "I brought your new wardrobe!"
Wyatt: "I'm not going to wear leather pants."
Jonesy: "We'll talk about it after the movie."
Wyatt: "Fine. What do you want to see?"
Jonesy: "Actually, I'm going to a movie with the gang. Sorry buddy."
Wyatt: "You're ditching me? But you're my manager!"
Jonesy: "I just work for you, dude. Why don't you hang out with them?"
[Jonesy points to the pre-teen girls, who grin widely. Wyatt goes over.]
Wyatt: "Do you wanna see a movie?"
[The girls begin fangirling over Wyatt.]
[In Grind Me, Jonesy is talking up a blonde girl with wavy hair.]
Jonesy: "So I said to him, 'If you call this a chai soy latte, then that must make me the Easter bunny." [They share a laugh.]
Wyatt: "Hey Jonesy."
Blonde Wave Girl: [gasping] "You're that singer Wyatt!"
Jonesy: "And I'm his manager."
Blonde Wave Girl: "Did he just call you Jonesy? Jonesy the jerk who'll hit on anything in a skirt?" [She tosses her coffee onto the crotch of Jonesy's pants and leaves.]
Jonesy: [grabbing his crotch] "Ooh ow ow ooh hot hot!" [He falls over.] "Aah!" [to Wyatt] "That's it. It is one thing to talk trash about me in your stupid song, but when that stupid song impedes my ability to score chicks, you have gone too far, my friend!"
[Jonesy leaves. Wyatt stares after him, only now realizing how much he's alienated his friends. He then takes a walk down a hallway and comes to the mall's jumbo screen. On it, he's angrily singing. Wyatt watches himself.]
[A large crowd has gathered to see Wyatt perform.]
Sarcastic Judge: [to a man in a suit] "You must be from Petty Crime. You're going to love, love, love the angry thing this kid does!"
Label Executive: "Anger is so now."
[The judge signals to Chad that things are all set, and Chad steps up to the microphone.]
Chad: "Check it out. Spin This is proud to present the winner of the Star Contest with his sick new song, give it up for Wyatt!"
[Chad vacates the spot in front of the microphone, and Wyatt takes his place, acoustic guitar at the ready. He spies his friends in the front row and smiles before starting to play. It is the original version of the song.]
Wyatt: "My friends will always be around/If they sold coolness by the pound" [the judge and executive look shocked] "They'd all be stinkin' rich/Stayin' at the Ritz/Guaranteed to get you hoppin'/Need some clothes they'll take you shoppin'/Or hang out just like this/Oh yeah."
Sarcastic Judge: [from beside the stage] "What are you doing! That's the wrong version!"
Wyatt: "No. It's the right one." [continuing] "I can depend on my friends/For everything/Don't matter where or when/Through everything/Right till the end/I can depend on my friends."
[Wyatt finishes his song, and the crowd goes wild. The sarcastic judge comes onstage.]
Sarcastic Judge: "Too bad, kid. You could have been someone."
Wyatt: "Funny. I thought I already was." [His friends rush up to him.]
Caitlin: "I can't believe you did that!"
Wyatt: "I'll get another shot. I just didn't want to trash you guys all over the country to do it."
Jonesy: "I guess this means I'm fired."
Jonesy: "That's a shame. Here." [He drops Wyatt's junk onstage.]
Jude: [putting a hand on Wyatt's shoulder] "Dude, what were you thinking? It's Petty Crime Records! You coulda been the next Alanis Morissette!"
Wyatt: "I'll get another chance to be her."
[In the Khaki Barn, Kristen and Kirsten are folding clothes. Jude comes by with his food and some clothes.]
Kirsten: "Do you smell something garlicky?"
Nikki: [checking Jude out] "Find everything you were looking for?"
Nikki: "And how will you be paying for that, sir?"
Jude: "Will kabobs do?"
Nikki: [to her co-workers] "You guys are closing the cash tonight, right?"
Kirsten: "Um, yeah? Check the schedule."
Nikki: "Kabobs will be fine."
[Nikki checks him out and dumps the meat in the cash register before leaving, her shift complete. Kristen and Kirsten come up to the register to finish the workday.]
Kristen: "What is that smell?"
Nikki: "See you tomorrow!"
Kirsten: [opening the register] "Eww!"