All Pets Are Off/Script

''[Cute guys walk by the table. Caitlin greets every one.]'' Caitlin: "Hi! What's your name?" [That boy moves past, and a new one comes by.] "Hi!" [He moves on.] "I can't get one cute guy to notice me lately." Nikki: "Maybe you need to do more than bat your eyelashes." Caitlin: "Batting my eyelashes is what I do! It's my thing!" Jen: "Nikki just means that maybe you need to join a club. Get some new interests. Expand your horizons." Caitlin: "You're totally right, Jen! I've been meaning to try this new expanding mascara for weeks!" [Tricia comes up to them, carrying a dog dressed in a shirt identical to hers.] Tricia: "You guys look productive. As usual." [She laughs, and her dog yips.] Jen: [annoyed] "Is it possible to get that thing to make a less irritating sound?" Nikki: "Like dog, like master." Tricia: "I think my precious Twinklebell sounds like an angel." [Twinklebell licks Tricia's lips.] Jen: "Ew. Is that hygenic?" Caitlin: "Tricia, I love it! Where did you get that cute little doggie?" ''[She takes it and pets it. The dog whines happily.]'' "So cute! Aw, you're so adorable!" Dyson: [walking up] "Cute dog. Is he yours?" Caitlin: "Yep." [Tricia gasps.] Dyson: "Has he had all his shots? He looks a little thin. A fresh egg in his food promotes a shiny coat." Tricia: "Twinklebell is mine and she's on the same diet as me and I have a perfectly shiny coat!" [She leaves.] Dyson: "It makes me so mad when people treat their pets as possessions!" Caitlin: "Dogs are people too!" Dyson: "Hi. I'm Dyson." [He shakes hands with Caitlin.] Caitlin: "Caitlin." Dyson: "I've gotta get to my animal rights meeting, but...I'll catch you later?" Caitlin: "Okay." [Dyson leaves, and she sighs.] "Dyson's dreamy. We have so much in common." Nikki: "Okay, name one thing." Caitlin: "I'm a total crusader for animal rights, Nikki. I only wear fake fur." [Darth walks by eating a kebab.] "That better be organic beef, buddy!" Nikki: "Ugh, it's going to be a long day."

''The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is All Pets Are Off''

[Jude is flipping a coin as he walks up to the table where his female friends are sitting.] Jude: "Haha! Check it out, dudettes, look what I found." [sitting down] "A shiny quarter, all the way from 1934. Pretty sure it's made of–" [biting on it] "–ah-ow! Hard metal." Nikki: "I think it's a silver dollar, Jude." Jude: "Sweet! I'm gonna take it to a collector's shop and cash it in for muchos dollaros." Caitlin: "You should donate the money to help animals in need." Jude: "But I'm a broke Jude. In need." Nikki: "Caitlin's on a save-the-animals kick." Jonesy: "Did I just hear someone say they're in the market for a cheap pet?" Caitlin: "You can't put a price on a living creature, Jonesy!" Jonesy: "Sure I can! 3.99! Just got a job at Pets and the City, and they've got me working in the discount pet section, or as I like to call it, All Pets Are Off." Jude: "Hey, what can I get for a rare silver dollar?" [He drops the coin, and it bounces away.] "AAAH! MY COINAGE! Rare silver dollar coming through!" [He races after his money.] Wyatt: [arriving on the scene] "Anybody want to see that new movie Penguin Force? Heard it's awesome." Jen: "Sorry, Wyatt, but I've already seen it." Nikki: "Yeah, ditto over here." Caitlin: "Me three." Jonesy: "I can confirm. Killer flick." Wyatt: "You all saw it? And no one invited me?" Caitlin: "Last night." Jen: "Out with my cousin." Jonesy: "What can I tell you?" Nikki: "Free pass." Wyatt: "Fine. I'll go alone." [The other four gasp.] Jonesy: "You can't go to the movies alone!" Jen: "Total social suicide." Wyatt: "What're you talking about? People go to movies alone all the time." Caitlin: "I guess. But I'm not friends with any of those people." Wyatt: "Now you are." [He leaves.] Jonesy: [getting up] "I gotta get back to work." ''[He leaves. Caitlin chases after him.]'' "Do you need something?" Caitlin: "I'm coming to check out the animal care facilities." Jonesy: "When did you become the Humane Society?" Caitlin: [pushing him] "We can do this the easy way or the hard way." Nikki: "Wanna check it out?" Jen: "We're only thinking of the animals." [Nikki and Jen follow in the footsteps of Caitlin and Jonesy.]

[Jude skates through the mall, eliciting angry cries from shoppers.] Jude: "Look out! Excuse me! Coming through!" [He bumps into Ron.] Ron: "No high-speed maneuvering in my mall!" ''[Ron chases Jude, who barely escapes into a closing elevator. Ron slams into the door facefirst.]'' Ron: [sitting up] "You may have escaped this time, adolescent scum!!! BUT I'LL GET YOU!!!"

[The girls walk into the store after Jonesy.] Caitlin: [by a bunny hutch] "You were right, Jonesy. These animals are well taken care of. They look so cute and happy!" Jonesy: "Not those. Discount pets are over there." [He gestures to a shoddier section of the store.] "Need a budgie on a budget and don't mind if the chirp sounds more like a burp?" [The budgie burps.] "Then All Pets Are Off is the place for you!" Caitlin: [looking at some furless rabbits] "Poor things! I have to save them!" Jonesy: [as a horrible meowing starts] "Uh-oh. We woke the kittens. Don't worry, they don't bite. Much."

[Wyatt walks by the movie theater.] Wyatt: "Human cashiers are for suckers. Welcome to the twenty-first century. With Mr. Movie, I can get my tickets and snacks in record time." [getting in line] "Hi-fives for me!" Old Man: [at the front of the line] "Card won't fit in the slot. Dang robot cashier!" Escalator Girl: "Here, let me try." [She pushes the card in.] "Do you want golden topping on your popcorn?" Old Man: "Is the popcorn fresh?" [The girl shrugs, and he turns to the machine.] "Excuse me! Is the popcorn fresh?" Wyatt: [worried] "The movie starts in twenty minutes and I don't want to miss the trailers." Jock: "Do they still have that awesome popcorn and jujubes combo meal?" Fine Girl: "You remembered I love jujubes! You're sweeter than candy." [The two begin kissing.] Wyatt: "And everyone worried I'd be alone. I wish!"

''[A silver dollar is lying on the floor of the escalator. Jude picks it up and shows it to a man he's sharing the escalator with.]'' Jude: "Take a gander at this baby. Dude, were you even alive when this coin was made?" Conway: "I'm seventy-four." Jude: "Don't look a day over eighty, bro." [The man looks insulted.] "I'm gonna need that back now." [Conway flips the coin just as the elevator doors open.] "NAH! MY COIN!" [The chase is on once again.] "WEE-YOO WEE-YOO WEE-YOO! Major coin emergency!" [The coin bounces into a vent.] "Alright, my silver dollar friend. You're not getting away this time." [He takes the lid off the vent and looks in.] "It's okay, little buddy. Don't be scared." [He crawls into the vent and spots his dollar.] "There you are! Come to papa...gotcha! Thought you could get away from me? Not so easy, huh?" [Stanley, outside the vent, shoots three tennis balls inside.] "AAAHHH!" [Stanley puts the cover back on the vent, trapping Jude inside, and laughs.] "Hmm. Can't reverse, guess I better find another way out."

[Jonesy reaches into a cage and brings out an animal covered in brown fur.] Jonesy: "This sweet little dog has Caitlin written all over it." [He hands the animal to Caitlin.] Jen: "Okay, um, that's not a dog. That's a ferret." Caitlin: "Wait. Aren't ferrets mean?" Nikki: "Oh, so we're only saving the kind animals today?" Jonesy: "You're crazy! It's not a ferret! Look, it's got four paws, and a, uh, nose–it's totally a dog!" Nikki: "Okay, smartypants, what kind of dog is it then?" Jonesy: "What you've got here is a cocktail wiener dog." Caitlin: "Aw, I'll take it! I mean, I want to save Muffin!" Jen: "Muffin?" Caitlin: "I better get a purse for Muffin!" Nikki: [sarcastic] "Yay, so it has somewhere to put his wallet!" [She, Jonesy, and Jen laugh.] Caitlin: "It shouldn't have to walk! Poor thing's been through enough." [baby talking] "Haven't you, Muffin, oh, smesmesme?" [Nikki rolls her eyes.]

[Jude is still crawling through the vents.] Jude: "Wonder how I'm gonna find my way out of here?" [Stanley crawls by at a vent intersection.] Stanley: "Hey loser, have you seen my ball?" Jude: "Sorry, little dude, only found my shiny ducket." [Stanley blows him a raspberry and moves on.] "Do you know how I can get outta here?"

[Muffin is wearing an indigo coat and sitting by a similarly-colored purse.] Caitlin: "Indigo is the hot new color for fall. Isn't Muffin the most adorable little–uh–hey, I wonder what sex Muffin is? How do you tell the sex of a purse dog?" Nikki: "By the color of its cashmere." [Jen laughs.] Jen: [covering her mouth] "Sorry." Caitlin: "Muffin picked out this cardigan to go with the new do. It's fate that me and my dog have the exact same taste." Nikki: "Yeah, uh, hate to burst your bubble, but that's a ferret." Caitlin: "Purse dog!" Cute Boy: "What a cute little fella." [He moves to pet Muffin, and Muffin growls at him.] Caitlin: "Muffin has very discerning taste. Time for a walk!" [Muffin escapes.] "Bad Muffin! Wait for me!" Nikki: [watching them go] "Aw, poor thing needs saving from Caitlin." Jen: "Yeah, we better go help her catch it."

[Wyatt is in line behind the same batch of people as before.] Old Man: "This machine won't take my card! Maybe the movies are free." Fine Girl: "I love Customer Appreciation Day!" Wyatt: "You're not doing it right! Here, let me." [He inserts the man's card.] "Now enter your secret pin." [The man looks at him snarkily.] "I'm not looking!" Old Man: "Wh-wh-wh-what was that dang code again? I think it starts with a seven." [Wyatt looks at the time as the man slowly presses in numbers.] Wyatt: "Can't you type any faster, sir? My movie starts in ten minutes." Old Man: "Now look what you've done! I'll have to start over again!" Wyatt: [sighing] "I'm gonna wait till the next show. Oh, and the popcorn smells so good!" Jude: [from the sky] "You should use the cheddar flavor powder on your popcorn. Takes it to a whole 'nother level of tasty." Wyatt: [confused] "Jude?" [The senior citizen he was helping taps him on the shoulder.] Old Man: "Does the orange drink have pulp?" Wyatt: "How should I know? I don't work here!" Old Man: "Pulp gives me terrible gas." Wyatt: [frustrated] "There's no pulp in the orange drink! It's fine, totally gas-free!" Escalator Girl: "Ooh, somebody woke up on the impatient side of the bed this morning." [Wyatt groans.]

''[Jude is still trapped in the vent systems. His stomach rumbles.]'' Jude: "So hungry! I can smell the movie popcorn from here!" [A light shines on him from down the vent.] "Saved at last!" Mall Technician: "I only adjust the mall temperature. But I'll log it into my report." Jude: "Thanks, bro! Huh. Lots of vent traffic today."

''[Muffin leaps onto a bench. A child offers the ferret some ice cream, and Muffin eats the entire thing. The little girl begins to cry, and the girls, who are chasing Muffin, hear her wails.]'' Nikki: "Looks like Muffin ate the kid's ice cream." [Caitlin sighs.] Jude: [from the sky] "Rocky Road's my fave." Jen: [confused] "Jude?" Jude: "Hey, bra." Jen: "Where are you?" Jude: "Just hangin' in the air vent." [chuckling] "I'm lost." Nikki: "Uh, which vent are you in?" Jude: "Uh, the...square one?" Nikki: "That helps Jude, thanks." Jen: "Don't worry! We'll get help." ''[The mother and her crying child walk by. Dyson comes up to the three girls.]'' Dyson: "I just saw a purple ferret." Caitlin: "Purse dog!" [softening the blow] "But, why don't you give me your number, and we can chat about it?" [Her friends drag her away.] "Call me!" [Dyson scratches his head, confused.]

''[The old man has taken to hitting the machine with his cane. Wyatt sighs and then notices something.]'' Wyatt: "No way!" [There is another machine with an empty line.] "Yes!" [Wyatt races for the empty machine as the one he was waiting for starts smoking.] Old Man: "Darn machine's broken!" [Wyatt is about to insert his card when the rest of the line catches up to him.] Wyatt: "Huh? Sorry, no can do. No cutsies!" Old Man: [depressed] "Guess this automated world's just not made for old people." Wyatt: [annoyed] "All right. You can cut." [The four cut in front of him, and a fed-up Wyatt heads to the back of the line.]

[The girls walk through the mall looking for Muffin.] Nikki: "Here ferret ferret!" Caitlin: "Purse dog." Jen: "Here Jude Jude." [Caitlin and Nikki bump into Ron.] Ron: "What's going on here? You're up to no good, aren't you. I can smell it on you like gasoline." Caitlin: "It's Jude. He's lost in the air vents and we need to rescue him!" Ron: "No can do. Reached the limit on my rescue budget. No more rescues for the remainder of the calendar year." Jen: "So it's up to us to find Jude and the ferret." [Caitlin looks at her angrily.] "I mean, purse dog." Kirsten: [offscreen] "EEE, a rat! Oh, it's purple!" Caitlin: "Kirsten found Muffin!" [They head towards the Khaki Barn.] Ron: [to himself] "Rat infestation, huh? Luckily there's plenty in the budget for pest control."

''[Ron is suited up in S.W.A.T. gear. He snaps his fingers, and two exterminators leap to his side.]'' Ron: [lowering his plexiglass facemask] "It's extermination time."

[The Clones are crouched on the counter screaming.] Nikki: [covering her ears] "Ugh, stop screaming, I beg you!" Kirsten: "We totally saw a purple rat! Or was it more of a deep eggplant? It had a definite brown undertone–okay, let's agree on mauve for the rat." Caitlin: "It's a purse dog! And it's indigo." Jen: "Actually, it's a ferret." Jude: [from the sky] "Thought it was a cocktail weiner dog." Kirsten: "Did anyone else hear that?" [Kristen and Chrissy nod.] "It must be–oh, I think it's God." [praying] "Hi God. It's me, Kirsten. Can I please have a scooter? In teal?" [The Clones applaud this choice.] Nikki: "Sorry to bust up the congregation, but it's only Jude." Kirsten: "Jude is God? No way!" Jen: "Maybe the purple rat–I mean ferret–I mean purse dog–is trying to find its way home." Caitlin: "To the pet store!" ''[The girls run out of the store. Suddenly, Ron and his exterminators drop in.]'' The Clones: "EEEEEEKK!" Ron: "Which way did the rat go?" [The Clones point.] "It's up to us now, troops. Let's move out!" [running out of the store] "Hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, etcetera!"

[The meowing is driving Jonesy insane, so much so that he jumps when Caitlin taps him on the shoulder.] Caitlin: "Hey. Did Muffin come back into the store?" Jonesy: [slinging cat food] "No. Have you already lost your fer–uh, dog?" Woman: "AAAAAEEEE!" Jen: "There it goes!" [She and her friends chase after Muffin.] Nikki: "Follow that ferret!" Jonesy: [fed up] "Aw, just take it all!" [He throws the bag into the cats' cage, and they tear it to shreds.] Jen: "Make way." Nikki: "Coming through." Caitlin: "Make way." Jen: "There it goes!" ''[Everyone screams as the ferret heads their way, including all in line for tickets except Wyatt. Those in the movie line vacate it, leaving Wyatt a clear shot at the ticket box.]'' Nikki: "Wyatt. What're you doing here? I thought you were seeing Penguin Force." Wyatt: "I wish. I've been too busy helping people buy tickets!" Ticket Seller: "AAAAAHHH!" Caitlin: "Aw, Muffin wants to see the movie too! Isn't that adorable?" Nikki: "Priceless." [They follow Muffin.] Wyatt: [pulling out his credit card] "Yes! I knew my time would come!"

[Wyatt has just received his food from the vendor girl.] Wyatt: [heading towards the theater] "Penguin Force to the rescue!" Jude: [from the sky] "Dude. You're totally making my mouth water." Wyatt: "Jude? Where are you?" Jude: "Stuck in an air vent, bro." Wyatt: "No way. How?" Jude: "Well dude, it's a long story. Y'see, first I noticed it was gonna be one of those days where I thought 'hey, maybe I should stay in bed a little longer' but I said 'no, there's something out there for Jude th–" Wyatt: "Can we talk later? Don't want to miss my movie." Jude: "Sure thing, bro." ''[Wyatt walks over to the usher and hands in his ticket. Suddenly, Ron and his men leap down from the ceiling.]'' Ron: "This theater is closed due to reported rat sightings!" [to his men] "I want this area cleared! Two hours should do it." [to himself] "Now, let's gas this place." Wyatt: [depressed] "Aw, man! So close!" ''[Suddenly, a group of people run screaming from the theater. Muffin follows on their heels.]'' Caitlin: "Muffin!" [She, Nikki, and Jen run after her ferret.] Wyatt: [to Ron] "Now that the rat's gone, can I see my movie?" Ron: "No! We can't abort now, son! They could be everywhere! Besides, I didn't get dressed up like this for nothing." [Ron leaves, and Wyatt sighs.]

[Jonesy and Wyatt walk up to the girls, who have lost track of Caitlin's pet.] Jonesy: "I brought along some ferret snacks to lure Muffin." Caitlin: [antagonized] "What did you say?" Jonesy: "Doggie treats, I brought doggie treats, doggie treats for your little doggie." Caitlin: [sighing] "Oh, what's the use? How can I save the animals when I can't even save Muffin?" Nikki: "I wouldn't worry, Caitlin." Jen: "Yeah, we'll find him." Jude: [from the sky] "I believe in you, Caitlin." Caitlin: "Aw, thanks, Jude! Wherever you are."

Jude: [panting] "Huh?" [Muffin drops from another vent into his.] "AHH! H-hey, little guy. Where'd you come from?" [He rubs Muffin's belly.] "You're just looking for a friend, aren't ya? I'll be your friend, little dude." [Muffin licks Jude's face and burrows into his shirt.] "Hold on, buddy." [laughing] "That-that tickles! Acpth! Stop! I'm being tickled to death by a purple rat!" Jen: "Jude found the ferret!" [Ron and his exterminators swoop in.] "Huh?" Ron: "Did I hear somebody say rat?" Caitlin: "It's a ferret! I mean, purse dog!" [Jude continues laughing.] Jen: "Why didn't I think of this before? We can follow the giggling right to Jude!" [The exterminators, teenagers, and Ron follow the sound of Jude's laughter as he moves through the vents.] Jude: [laughing] "I can't take it!" Jen: "That's kind of infectious." ''[Jen starts laughing, and Nikki joins in. Soon Caitlin and Wyatt are laughing, and Jonesy joins in. Ron starts laughing as well.]'' Nikki: [laughing] "We have to stop!" [She continues laughing.] Jen: [laughing] "Okay, we have to stop laughing." [still laughing] "Or we won't be able to hear Jude!" ''[Suddenly, the laughing stops. Only one laugh can be heard.]'' Jen: "Okay, that's better." Jude: "Aw, dude!" [He clanks against something, and the laughter from the other eight starts again.] Jen: [pointing and laughing] "The laughing's coming from over there!" ''[Jude finds his way to a vent cover and kicks at it. He knocks it off as the others arrive.]'' Caitlin: "Hey, look!" Jonesy: "Jude! We found you, buddy!" Jude: [laughing] "Get it off me! I can't take anymore!" Ron: "Then I can get at that rat." Caitlin: [angry] "You touch Muffin, and I'll exterminate you!" Ron: "Okay girlie, take it easy!" Nikki: "Everybody grab hold!" ''[She and Jonesy pull Jude out. Jude looks up at Ron and his exterminators.]'' Jude: "Wow. Is this the year 3000? How long was I in there for?" ''[Muffin crawls out of Jude's pant leg. Caitlin picks her pet up.]'' Caitlin: "Muffin! I missed you!" [Muffin licks her face.] Dyson: "What a cute little ferret." [Everyone gasps.] Caitlin: "Whatever. I'm too tired." Dyson: "I'm sure you've got all the proper papers for this little guy." Caitlin: "Papers?" Dyson: "Yes. Ferrets fall under a little-known section of the Exotic Animal Act. They're not supposed to be kept as pets." Caitlin: [let down] "Oh." Ron: "Wait one moment, young man! I'll take it from here." [He takes Muffin.] "This little terror is now mall property." [to the ferret] "Hmm? Who's the cutest little killer, hmm? That's right, you are." [cuddling it] "Mmm? Yeah. Daddy loves you. Daddy is so proud of you." [Ron remembers where he is.] "Um, I mean, this little guy will make an excellent security dog!" Nikki: [whispering to Jonesy] "Should I mention that it's not really a dog?" Jonesy: "Ssh." [Fine Girl and her boyfriend walk by.] Fine Girl: "I loved the very end when Penguin Force rescued that cute polar bear..." ''[Wyatt stares after them angrily. Jonesy puts his arm around Wyatt.]'' Jonesy: "Look on the bright side. Now you don't have to go to the movies alone." Wyatt: [angry] "I'm going to get a good old-fashioned DVD." [He walks away.]

''[Jen, Wyatt, and Nikki are sitting around the table. Jonesy walks up.]'' Jonesy: "Well, I'm officially out of the pet business for good." Jen: "What happened?" Jonesy: "I accidentally put the snakes in the same cage as the mice. It wasn't pretty. Who knew?" Dyson: [walking up with Caitlin] "I'm really impressed, Caitlin. I had no idea you were such an animal lover." Caitlin: "These animals shouldn't be confined to cages. They need to roam free!" [Dyson's pager beeps.] Dyson: "Someone's about to flush a spider in the public washrooms! Later!" ''[Dyson takes off. Caitlin looks at her bargain pets.]'' Caitlin: "Well, maybe with a little cashmere wrap and a chin wax they'll be almost cute?" Ron: [with Muffin on a leash] "That's right, Sergeant Muffin! Sniff 'em out. Lead me to those rancid delinquint maggots! What, you smell one? Let's go! I like the way you work, soldier! I'm with you!" ''[Muffin leads Ron away. Jude runs up to his friends.]'' Jude: "Check it out, dudes! Stuck my coin on a magnet. I couldn't stand the thought of losing you again." [Jude kisses his coin, and it falls off and goes rolling once again.] Jude: "GAH! I'll save you!" [He chases after his cash.] Jen: "Oh, no."