Labour Day - Part 2/Script

Jonesy: [voiceover] "Last time on 6teen...Jen's pregnant mom went into labor." Jen: "Mom is having the baby!" Jude, Wyatt, Caitlin, and Nikki: "What?" Jonesy: [doing a spittake] "But she's not due for weeks!" Jonesy: [voice-over] "While the rest of us hit the hospital, Jen got stuck at the mall, literally." Jen: [having her shoes chewed off by Darth] "Just hurry, okay? You can do it!" Jonesy: [voice-over] "Over at St. Mike's, Caitlin got heat from the cell phone police–" [Caitlin is seen having her cell phone shut] "–Wyatt got mauled in his quest for a decent cup of joe–" [Wyatt is being kissed by Misha] "–and Nikki kept Jen's mom nice and relaxed." Nikki: [whispering to Caitlin] "Those moans are getting closer together!" Jonesy: [voice-over] "Plus, Jude and I spread some joy and made some coin!" [The wheelchair races are seen.] "And Jen's luck went from bad to phhhbbbtth." [Jen is seen moving from the jail cell to the broken elevator.] Jen: "–NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

[Wyatt is strumming his guitar in a waiting room.] Wyatt: [humming] "Duh-dum-do-do, duh-duh-dum...hmm-hmm-hmm..." [Nikki and Caitlin walk up with cups of coffee.] Nikki: "I can't believe you used our money to buy a coffeemaker." [She takes a sip of coffee.] "I mean, what kind of gift is that for a baby?" Wyatt: "Parents with new babies get no sleep, coffee keeps you awake. It's perfect." ''[All three sip their coffees. Suddenly, the shrieks of Jen's mom rip through the air.]'' Caitlin: [looking at a clock] "Only three and a half minutes between contractions now." Nikki: "So–where'd you find the guitar?" Wyatt: "There's an entertainment room. Thought it might be nice to write Jen's mom a song." Caitlin: "Oh, that's a great idea!" Nikki: "Oh she'll love it!" Wyatt: "Okay. So what rhymes with prowning?" Nikki: "Then again, maybe she won't."

''The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is Labour Day Part 2''

[Jen is trying to use her cell phone while Nathan is trying the emergency phone.] Jen: "Oh come on! Signal! I need a signal! AAAH!" Nathan: "Well, the emergency phone doesn't work, and neither does the alarm." Jen: [in Nathan's face] "What?!?" Nathan: "Please don't hurt me again!"

''[Wyatt, Caitlin, and Nikki walk back into Emma's room. The doctor ducks out of Emma's bed.]'' Doctor: "She's getting fairly close, so if Jen isn't here, you guys'll need to think about who'll go in the delivery room with her." [Wyatt and Caitlin look at Nikki.] Nikki: "No way! Why me?" Emma: "Nikki, it'll be fine. Jen will–" [in pain] "BE!!! HEEERRREEE!!! Unh! Oh!" Doctor: "I know you're nervous, we're all nervous. Heck, this is going to be my first delivery." Caitlin, Nikki, and Wyatt: "What?!?" Doctor: "Don't get me wrong, I have a pretty good idea of what I'm doing. I've done a lot of reading and saw most of a video." Caitlin: "Most of a video?" Nikki: "You are so not helping." Doctor: "Anyhoo, time is running out, so you're going to need to decide who's gonna be in the delivery room assisting me." Nikki: "Assisting you?" Wyatt: "Well it can't be me! I mean–it just can't! The way that babies come out of women is–" Nikki: "Stop, stop talking. Okay, fine, agreed. Wyatt is out, it's between you and me, Caitlin." Caitlin: "Hang on. I touched a pay phone today. I think I've done enough." Nikki: "Fine. If Jen is not here on time, I'll do it. Now, I'm frightened, so I need to pee. I'll be right back." Emma: "Oh, where are you, Jen?"

[Jude and Jonesy are still running from the security guard.] Jonesy: "Security dude still back there?" Jude: "Yeah, dude, he–he's unstoppable." Security Guard: [affably] "Slow down guys." Jonesy: "We gotta split up!" Jude: [panting] "Good plan." [ducking into a stairwell] "Later, bro."

Nikki: [walking through the hospital] "Send me into the delivery room? No thank you, 'friends'. Yeah, friends. More like shirkers." [looking into the nursery] "I blame all of you for this. You strange-looking creatures." [looking at a blonde one] "Actually, you're all right. Just you, though. The rest of you? Mmph." [She turns to leave, then stops.] "Well, some cute dimples on that one. He's okay, I guess. You, with the hair sticking up? Eh, not bad. Chubby face? Kinda cute. Oh, redhead! You're beautiful!" [face pressed to the glass] "Oh, look! Hi! Hi, yeah! I'm Auntie Nikki!" [A nurse inside the room waves to her.] "What the–" [ducking below the window] "Did I just get caught looking at babies? Yes I did. Oh my–do I–like babies?"

''[Wyatt is still sipping coffee. Courtney walks in.]'' Caitlin: "Where have you been?" Courtney: "There was nothing to do here, so I went downtown and got a manicure." [She shows off her nails.] Caitlin: "Nice!" Wyatt: "So Robbie and Diego were with you?" Courtney: "Ooh, I knew I forgot something." Emma: [stressed] "Robbie and Diego are loose?" [more calmly] "Okay. Does anyone know where they are?"

[Diego is playing with an old lady's bed while Robbie blows up a glove until it pops and the old lady screams.]

Emma: "Would someone please go and FIIIINNNNNDDDD TTHHHEEEMM!!! OH! OH! OH!" Courtney: "Wyatt, she's talking to you." [Wyatt sighs, sets down his mug of coffee, and heads out to find the two hooligans.] Courtney: "Where'd the coffeemaker come from?" Wyatt: "I bought it as a gift for the baby." Courtney: "Wow. Dumb."

[Jonesy rushes into an office and shuts the door.] Office Worker: "Christopher Mcgraph?" Jonesy: "Yes?" Office Worker: "I should fire you for being late on your first day of work." Jonesy: "You, uh, wouldn't be the first." ''[The security guard throws the door open into Jonesy and looks around the room. Seeing nothing, he closes the door again and continues his search.]'' Jonesy: "Heh heh. What was that about?" Office Worker: [giving him a bag] "Hurry up and get into costume. I'll give you the fifty dollars after you finish the show for the kids." Jonesy: "Fifty bucks, you say? Well then, it's time for the Christopher McGreen show!" Office Worker: "McGreen?" Jonesy: "McGraph. I meant McGraph."

''[Jude walks into the basement. He bumps into a stretcher that carries a corpse.]'' Jude: "Oh! Sorry dude, didn't see you lying there." [out of breath] "Whew! I don't know about you, but I am not having a frosty day!" [catching his breath] "So, what're you in for?" [The corpse doesn't answer.] "Don't wanna talk about it, huh? That's cool by me. I'm just gonna hang here for a sec and chill. Yeah, definitely in need of a breather."

''[Several children are gathered in a room. They are set to watch a clown. The clown is Chris McGraph.]'' Jonesy: "So. Uh, okay. Let's see here...alright! Who wants a balloon animal?" [The kids cheer.] "Comin' right up!" [Jonesy starts inflating a balloon.]

Emma: "Oh! Uh! O-OH! OH! AAAH! OH!" Caitlin: "Time since her last contraction?" Courtney: "Just under three minutes." Caitlin: "Wow." Courtney: "Is that bad?" Caitlin: "I have no idea."

[Two nurses walk down a hallway.] Nurse: "I love the nursery. It's that baby smell. I just love it!" Nikki: [peeking out of a stairwell] "That baby smell?"

[Jen pounds on the elevator doors.] Jen: "Help! People are trapped in here!" [She sits down next to Nathan, depressed.] "Oh, after all those Lamaze classes, I'm gonna miss the whole birth!" Nathan: "Well, I think it's pretty cool that you're your mom's breathing coach. And I promise you'll make it. We're in this together. A team, okay?" [He helps Jen up.] Jen: "A team. Deal." Ron: [outside] "Is anyone in there?" Jen: "Yes! Me! Me! Me! I'm in here!"

[Wyatt is consulting a nurse.] Wyatt: "Have you seen two little boys? Dark hair? Doing something bad?" [A water balloon hits him.] "I think I found them. Thanks for your time." [running in the direction of the thrown balloon] "Get back here!"

[Jonesy is breathing heavily.] Jonesy: "Okay! Woo! Head rush! Okay. Now you all have snakes. Cool, huh?" Little Blonde Girl: "But I don't like snakes." Jonesy: "Well who cares what you–" Office Worker: "Ahem." Jonesy: "–uh...fine! Name an animal!" Little Blonde Boy: "I want a donkey!" Jonesy: "Donkey it is!" ''[He tries to wind the balloon into a shape. It pops, and the kids giggle. Jonesy looks at them, annoyed.]'' "I want a donkey!" [He grabs a girl's balloon and attempts to twist it.] "Ow!" [The kids laugh more.] "RRR!" ''[Jonesy grabs a third balloon and once again breaks it. However, he notices that the kids are laughing and happy. He gets an idea and grabs another balloon.]'' Jonesy: "This one'll work!" [It pops as well.] "Oh that's it, gimme yours!" [The last one pops.] "Oh come on!" ''[Jonesy slaps his forehead in anguish. However, he peeks out between his fingers to make sure he's keeping 'em laughing.]''

''[Jude is still talking with the stiff. This time, he's telling a funny story.]'' Jude: [laughing] "And the old guy kept farting through the who-ho-hole race! It was like, turbo boost, dude! Oh, you should have seen it!" [He checks the toe tag.] "Steve. Like, the other guy had to stay in the lead, just to avoid the bum stink! Ho-ho-ho! Ski-doe! Good times, bro, good times!"

[Ron is trying to make contact with Jen.] Ron: "I didn't catch that last part! What did you say?!?" Jen: "I said, get us out of here quick! The baby could be born any minute!" Ron: [to himself] "Oh my. A pregnant woman trapped in the elevator." [into the elevator] "I'll call 911! Um, don't push!" [He runs off.] Jen: "Okay!" [to Nathan] "Don't push what?" Nathan: "I dunno."

''[Nikki has found her way into the nursery. She sniffs around.]'' Nikki: "Oh, he does smell good!" [taking a whiff of another baby] "Oh, she smells good too! Aww..." [She picks up the redheaded baby from before.] "Look who's holding a baby!" [hearing another baby cry] "Oh, what's a matter, Dimples?" [holding it in her other arm] "Do you want some attention too?" [Dimples stops crying.] "Hey! Look who made a baby stop crying! Me! I did! Oh, who's a good mommy, huh? Is it me?" [Two nurses pass by the nursery.] "Uh, okay kids, back in your cells. Big Red goes in here–" [She puts Dimples in the indicated crib.] "–and Dimples in here." [She realizes where she put them.] "Oh no. Wrong baby! Wrong crib!" ''[She looks towards the door and sees the two nurses are about to come in. She quickly finds a place to hide.]'' Nurse: [walking through the babies] "Guess whose mummy and daddy are here to take them home?" Nikki: [quietly] "Oh no please no please no please no." Nurse: [picking up Dimples] "Now time to go home with your parents." Nikki: [worriedly to herself] "Well, maybe not your parents, but parents."

[Jude is still talking to the dead body.] Jude: "You're right, dude. I should be rockin' school. I'm only letting myself down. You are such a good motivator, bro. Is that what you do for a living?" [Steve does not reply.]

[Jonesy is putting on a puppet show.] King Jonesy: "Of course you want to date me, I'm King Jonesy and you're a pig!" Pig Nikki: [sniffing him] "Then why is it you're the only one who smells like a pig?" King Jonesy: "Well, Pig Nikki, I'd rather smell like a pig than look like one." Pig Nikki: "If I look like a pig, why is it you want to date me?" King Jonesy: "Because I'm not really that picky!" Pig Nikki: "Wow! Now I'm flattered!" [She heads offstage.] King Jonesy: "Wait! I admit it! I like you! You're a pig, but I like you!" Pig Nikki: [coming back] "Well you're a goof, but you're the king of the goofs. So I like you too." ''[The two kiss. The audience boos.]'' Boy in Cap: "Aw! Gross!" Pig Nikki: "The end!" ''[The puppets take a bow, and the kids clap. The security guard, watching from the door, joins the applause.]'' Security Guard: "That was so beautiful." [He wipes his eyes and leaves.] "I almost cried there." [Jonesy gets out from behind the puppet show stand and receives a fifty-dollar bill from his boss.] Jonesy: "Thank you, sir, this was the best job I never had! You may as well fire me now." Office Worker: "You're fired?" Jonesy: "Pleasure doing business with you!" [He leaves and finds Nikki in a hallway nearby.] "Nikki! I just made fifty bucks as a clown! I was a king, and you were a pig, and–" Nikki: "I switched two babies in the nursery, and one is on the way home with the wrong parents! W–I was a pig? Not important. I was holding Dimples and Redhead at the same time, and loving it, and then, and then the nurse came back, and I put them in the wrong cribs, and the nurse took Dimples, and is giving him to the parents instead of Redhead! What do I do?!?" Jonesy: "You like babies now?" Nikki: "Okay, can you tease me about this later? A baby is about to leave the hospital with the wrong parents!" Jonesy: "Technically it's the parents leaving the hospital with the wrong–" Nikki: "Jonesy!" Jonesy: "Okay, okay!" [calmly] "Buy a doll in the gift shop, swap it out for Redhead in the nursery, find the parents and swap Redhead for Dimples and get Dimples back in the crib before anyone notices the doll!" Nikki: "This is the one and only time I will ever say this. I love you and your big dumb brain!" [Nikki kisses Jonesy and then snatches his payment.] Jonesy: "Hey!" [words sinking in] "Did she just say she loved me? Heh. Guess it's true what they say about a man in uniform. Oh yeah!" [Jonesy strides down the hall confidently, not noticing the odd glances he gets due to his costume.]

[A paramedic is chatting with the receptionist.] Paramedic: "So the ship is sinking, right? And the piece of wood? Can't support them both. So he kisses her, and he sinks. Into the dark water." ''[The receptionist dabs at her eyes with a tissue. The paramedic's walkie-talkie barks.]'' Paramedic: "A young woman stuck in an elevator is having a baby. This is what I do. Later, Shelly." ''[The paramedic leaves. Wyatt runs up to the desk.]'' Wyatt: "Hi. Did two little dark-haired–" [Two water balloons hit him.] "Excuse me."

[Nikki rushes into the nursery with the doll.] Nikki: "Uh, fourth floor! Code orange!" [The nurse she's addressing just blinks at her.] Nikki: "Uh, code yellow?" [The nurse stares at her.] Nikki: "Code...blue!" [The nurse instantly rushes from the nursery.] Nikki: "Alright. Here goes nothing." [She swaps out the doll and the baby.] "Gah! Why oh why do I have to like babies?"

[Emma is screaming in pain.] Courtney: "Those contrition thingies are getting really close together." Emma: [panting] "Is Jen here yet?" Courtney: "Not yet. You hang in there, mom." Emma: [panting] "Nikki–is–is Nikki there?" Caitlin: "No." Emma: "Caitlin! Go find her! Please!" Caitlin: "Yes!" [She starts to walk out, but Courtney stops her.] Courtney: "No, wait, I'll go." Emma: [short-tempered] "Courtney! You stay! Caitlin! Go! AAH! AH! OH!" Courtney: "Hurry." [Caitlin leaves.] Emma: "OH! OOOHHH!" [Caitlin rushes through the hospital hall, looking for Nikki.] Caitlin: "Nikki? Nikki?" Jonesy: "Caitlin!" [He rushes up to her.] "Caitlin! Where's Jen Nikki loves me d–did Jen's mom have the baby?" Caitlin: "Where have you been?" Jonesy: "I was in–" Caitlin: "No one cares. Last time I talked with Jen, she says you'd better stop clowning around. Which is pretty uncanny. Why are you wearing that?" Jonesy: "I was downstairs, doing a–" Caitlin: "No one cares." Jonesy: [annoyed] "You keep asking questions and–" Caitlin: [putting her hand over his mouth] "Your stepmom is here having a baby. And I know being responsible isn't your thing, but until Jen gets here, it is your thing!" Jonesy: "What's the big–" Caitlin: "Jen's not here, Wyatt is trying to find your brothers, I touched a pay phone, Nikki's disappeared, and Courtney refuses to go into the delivery room! So if you can't convince her to and Jen doesn't get here, you're goin' in!" Jonesy: [tearing off his costume's mask] "Okay! All right! I'm in control of this!" ''[Jonesy stomps off confidently in his clown suit. Caitlin watches him go and notices a sign on the wall.]'' Caitlin: "How dare they!" [The sign has a struck-through picture of Caitlin using her cell phone on it.] "They already confiscated my phone, isn't that enough?" [looking closer] "I do look pretty good, though." [taking the sign and hugging it] "My first real modeling gig!"

Jude: "I miss Starr. We used to be like two peas in a pod. But now I'm like a pea, and she's like a–duck. Or something even less pealike." [The nurse walks in.] Nurse: "Um, are you a family member?" Jude: "Nah, we're just buds." Nurse: "Well, you really shouldn't be down here. Take a moment to say your goodbyes and then you have to go." Jude: "Okay." [turning to Steve] "It's been great, dude. Lots of laughs, some good heart-to-hearts, and you really taught me a ton about like, life itself. Until we meet again, you take care bro." [Jude turns to leave and finds himself wrapped up in a tight hug by the nurse.] Nurse: "That was beautiful!" Jude: [extricating himself from the hug] "O-kay." [to Steve] "Oh, and dude, if you're ever at the mall, swing on by the ice rink and say hey!" ''[Jude leaves. The nurse watches him go, a little surprised by his last line.]''

[Ron pries the doors of the elevator open and uses his body to keep them open.] Ron: "AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!" [Jen and Nathan crawl out.] Ron: "You!" Jen: "Please! Don't throw me back in jail, please!" Ron: [standing up outside the elevator] "I did some recon and called the hospital. Your mum really is in labor." [putting his hand over his heart] "A teen who tells the truth. Never thought I'd see the day." Jen: "Has she–" Ron: "Not yet, but soon. So–try and look pregnant." [A paramedic runs up with a stretcher.] "Get this woman to the hospital." Jen: "Oh." [catching on and faking pregnancy] "I mean, ohhh! Ooh!" Paramedic: "Take it easy, lady! I gotcha!" Jen: "Ohhh!" [being wheeled away] "Thanks Ron! Bye Nathan! OH! Whew!"

''[Nikki, dressed as a nurse, rushes into the lobby with a stroller. She sees the couple about to leave.]'' Nikki: "Excuse me! Uh, baby people, wait." [She runs up to them.] "Hi. I'm a real nurse. Well, heh, of course I'm a real nurse. Heh heh. Ahem. But, uh, w-we forgot to, um, to, uh, measure the baby's...face! So..." [She takes the baby and puts it in the stroller.] "We keep the face-measuring machine in the baby carriage here." [She comes back with another baby.] "Wow. Perfect face size. You got yourself a good one there." ''[The couple leave. Nikki sighs contentedly and then heads back to the stroller.]'' "Whew. Now to get you back to the nursery."

[Caitlin rushes up to the reception desk.] Caitlin: "Have you seen a nervous-looking girl, pierced nose, big pants?" ''[The doors to the hospital open and Jen is wheeled in. Once inside, she leaps off of the stretcher and runs to the reception desk.]'' Jen: "Where's Mrs. Masterson-Garcia? I'm her daughter." Caitlin: "Jen!" Jen: "Caitlin!" [They hug.] "Has she–" Caitlin: "No." Wyatt: [confronting Robbie and Diego] "Not cool! Your mom was so worried–" Jen: "Wyatt!" [She runs over and hugs him.] Paramedic: "Hey! You're not pregnant!" Wyatt: "Pregnant?" [The receptionist picks up her phone and calls someone.] Caitlin: [holding up her banned sign] "Look! I'm a model!" [after a beat] "Why aren't you wearing any shoes?" Jen: "Darth chewed them off. Long story." Receptionist: "Your mother is on her way to the delivery room." Caitlin: "This way!" ''[Jen, Caitlin, and Wyatt run for the delivery room, dragging behind them Robbie and Diego. The paramedic turns to Shelly and continues talking to her.]'' Paramedic: "So he sinks into the dark water, and then wham! She's an old lady, holding a necklace. You can't write that stuff."

[Jonesy is lecturing Courtney.] Jonesy: "And Jen's not here, so we've got to try and be as mature as Jen. Which neither of us can do on our own! But maybe together, we can get close. You! Are going into that delivery room to help keep your mom calm! I'd do it, but that would only cause irreversible damage that would require years of therapy! Nikki loves me. I'll stay here in case Robbie and Diego turn up!" Courtney: "But–I'm the pretty one." Jonesy: "Not today, Courtney! Today you're Jen. Today, we are both Jen! Reliable, responsible, boring Jen. Now get in there." Courtney: "Okay. I can do this." Jen: [rushing in] "I'm here!" Jonesy and Courtney: [cheering] "She's here!" [All three hug.] Caitlin: [to Jen] "Go! Go!" ''[Jen rushes into the delivery room. Everyone else sits down.]'' Jonesy: [to Courtney] "We totally had that covered." Courtney: "Yeah! I think we actually did." Jen: "Courtney? You should come in too." Courtney: "But I don't–" Jen: "I'll do all the work. I just think Mom would like it if we were both in the room with her." Courtney: "Really? Thanks Jen." [She allows Jen to lead her in.] Wyatt: "Where's Nikki?" Jonesy: [smiling] "Switching babies. She loves me."

''[Nikki swaps out the baby for the doll. The nurse comes up behind her.]'' Nikki: "Uh, okay. This looks bad. But it was an accident. See, I was sniffing the babies, because you said they smelled good, and I had two in my arms, and you were coming back. Panic panic! So I put them in the wrong crib, so you gave Dimples to the wrong parents, so I had to stop them and switch the babies back or he would've gone home with the wrong family." [She sighs.] Nurse: "Is that all?" Nikki: "What?" Nurse: "We mix up babies in here all the time. They all look the same. It's hard not to." Nikki: "Yeah, I guess I can see that." Nurse: "Oh, your friend's mother is in the delivery room. You should join your party in the waiting room." [Nikki starts to leave for the waiting room, but stops near the exit.] Nikki: "You always send the babies home with the right parents in the end though, right?" [The nurse shrugs.] Nikki: "Hmm." [to the babies] "Good luck guys."

''[Robbie and Diego are playing with a defibrillator. They use it on Nikki's doll and laugh.]'' Jonesy: "Not a toy!" [yanking it away] "Not!" [Jude walks into the waiting room and takes a seat by Nikki.] Nikki: "So? What have you been doing all day?" Jude: "Mmm...nothing much." Jen: "Eee!" [exiting the delivery room] "The baby's here! Come and see her." ''[Everyone gets up. Nikki runs forward.]'' Nikki: "Why's everybody moving so slow?" [She heads for the delivery room, but stops again.] "Come on! There's a baby waiting!"

[Emma Masterson-Garcia clutches her baby close to her.] Courtney: "Mom, she's really beautiful." Emma: "She really is." Caitlin: "And it's so cute that Jonesy's dad wanted her named after you." Jude: [confused] "You named the baby Mrs. Masterson?" Wyatt: "No, Jude. Emma. The baby's name is Emma." Jude: "Phew." ''[Nikki leans in close and sniffs the baby. Jonesy still has a huge smile on his face.]'' Jen: "Hey. I heard some of what you said to Courtney. Thanks for taking charge while I wasn't here." Jonesy: "No problem, Jen. Anything for my second-favorite sister." [to Emma] "Can I hold her now?" [The mother hands over the baby, and Jonesy cuddles her in his arms.] Jude, Nikki, Courtney, Robbie, Jen, Caitlin, Diego, Emma, and Wyatt: "Aww." [Nikki reaches into the blanket and slips a pink rubber band around the baby's leg.] Emma: "What's that for?" Nikki: "Uh, nothing. Just–don't take it off until you get her home." Jen: "Jude!" Jude: "What?" [He remembers.] "Oh! Right!" [pulling out his camera] "Say my name!" Jen, Caitlin, Courtney, Wyatt, Emma, Robbie, Diego, Nikki, and Jonesy: "Jude!" [Jude takes a group photo of everyone clustered around the mother and her baby.] Jude: "Good one!"