Welcome to the Darth Side/Script

''[A girl walks out of the Khaki Barn change rooms in ugly pink clothes. Chrissy applauds.]'' Nikki: "Oh no. You don't want to do that." Kirsten: "Yes she does! That ruffle skirt looks so fetch!" [The girl smiles and reenters the changing room.] Nikki: "Are you demented? That skirt was like two sizes too small!" Kirsten: "Do you mind? We're trying to break last month's sales record!" [A woman walks out of another stall in a hideous humongous purple poncho.] Nikki: "So wrong." Kirsten: "What's your damage, Nikki?" Kristen: "You're supposed to be selling!" Kirsten: [to the customer] "Just look what she's wearing." [The woman looks at Nikki's clothes, grimaces, and smiles again, once more confident in her sense of fashion.] Woman: "Ew." Nikki: "Oh–" ''[A girl walks in. She is a blonde, dressed in a red top and blue denim skirt. She looks exactly like a clone.]'' Nikki: [gasping] "They're breeding." Kirsten: "Oh, do you know what outfit would be so great on you?" Ashley: "The wide-leg crop pants with the lavender tank?" Kirsten: [amazed] "You must have, like, ESPN." Ashley: [giggling] "I'm here to drop off my resume." Kirsten: "I'm Kirsten, this is Kristen and that's Chrissy." Chrissy: "Hi!" Ashley: "Hi!" Kristen and Kirsten: "Hi!" Ashley: "Omigosh, those are such cute capris, Kristen!" Kristen: "Oh no, I love your skirt." Kirsten: "Me too! Chrissy, don't you just love Ashley's skirt?" Chrissy: "It's so totally cute!" Kirsten: "Way off the cute-o-meter." Kristen: "We love meeting people just like us!" Kirsten: "Or exactly like us." Chrissy: "I know, right?" The Clones and Ashley: "EEEEEEEEEE–" The Clones, Ashley, and Nikki: "EEEEEEE–" Nikki: "–NOUGH! AAAAAAHHHH!" [She storms off.] Ashley: "Ugh. Have a cow, why don't you." Chrissy: "Oh, I know. She has like ten cows a week."

''The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is Welcome to the Darth Side''

[The gang minus Jen are around the table.] Nikki: "There's a fourth clone hanging out at the Barn now. And to top it off, the low-slung denim capris just came in. Yuck." Caitlin: "Ooh! Are they dark wash or vintage?" Darth: [walking past] "Good morning, princess." Nikki: "Ugh." [She slams her head on the table.] Jen: [walking up with a purse on her arm] "Yo, what's up?" Caitlin: "Hey! What's with the bag?" Jen: "Chocolate covered jellybeans. And you guys all have to buy some." Wyatt: "Uh-uh, sounds nasty." Jen: "It's team fundraising week. Whoever raises the most money wins new equipment. I've already picked out my snowboard!" Wyatt: "Fine. I'll take one." ''[Wyatt hands over a fiver and gets a box. The rest of the gang also hand over some money.]'' Jude: "Mmm. These are–" Wyatt: "Disgusting!" Ron: "What's going on here, punks?" Jude: [mouth full] "Chocolate covered jellybeans." Jen: "Would you like to buy some to support my snowboarding team?" Ron: "Do they come in a yellow-and-red striped box with black writing?" [Jen holds a box up.] "I don't believe it. Those are the beans I had in my boyhood days." Jonesy: "What's he doing?" ''[Ron is lost in a memory. Suddenly, he snaps back to reality.]'' Ron: "I'll take two boxes. But let's be clear about one thing. I'm not supporting your little cause." Jen: "Uh, okay." Ron: "And don't think I don't know what you're up to, maggots." ''[Ron walks away, tossing jellybeans into his mouth as he goes. He smiles.]''

[Nikki is napping at the Khaki Barn when a voice disturbs her.] Darth: "Hello, Nikki." [Nikki opens her eyes and sees Darth far too close to her.] Nikki: "GYAAAAHHH!!!" [She falls backward.] "Oh..." [working her way up again] "What's up, Yoda?" Darth: "You're looking ravishing today." Nikki: "I thought we'd been over this." Darth: "Give up hope? A Jedi never does. But here to see you, I am not." [Julie walks by, and they wave to each other.] "She likes me. Can't get enough of the uh, 'Darth Side,' if you know what I mean." Nikki: "That's great, Darth. Listen, I've got folding to do?" Darth: "I'll be browsing women's knits." ''[Darth walks through the store. When he passes Chrissy, he clicks his tongue. He enters the back room and beckons to her. After a glance about the store, Chrissy follows him.]'' Nikki: "Darth and Chrissy? What do we have here?" [She sneaks over to the door and eavesdrops.] Chrissy: "I told you never to come here!" Darth: "How else was I supposed to know how to get to your house?" Nikki: "Her house?" Chrissy: "Ssh! If anyone ever finds out I'm a member of the Jedi Knight Club, I'll die of embarrassment!" Darth: [in Yoda's voice] "Afraid of your Jedi heritage, you should not be." ''[Nikki turns around and chuckles, back against the door. The door gives way, and she falls in.]'' Nikki: "Whoa!" [getting up fast] "Oops. Hi. Uh, just looking for the, uh, the new vintage wash–oh, who am I kidding!" [She points at Chrissy and laughs.] Chrissy: "Listen to me, Nikki! If you ever tell anyone about this, you're so fired!" Nikki: "Okay! Okay. Okay. I promise." [She walks out of the storeroom laughing.]

[Later, Nikki has told all her friends the story, and they're laughing as well.] Jonesy: "The Jedi Knight Club? Chrissy?" Nikki: "I know! I think this is the best day of my life." Jonesy: "So, are you gonna send out an email to the whole school or save it for the morning announcements?" Nikki: "Trust me, I wish I could do both. But I need this job, so do not say anything. I mean it, Jonesy." Jonesy: "I understand. You can't annoy the bossman. Gotta make the cheese. The cheddar. The mozzarella." Jen: "Okay, we've got the point." Jonesy: "Which is why, as of today, I'm selling the world's first environmentally friendly plastic wrap on behalf of our school's senior hockey team. Nikki, didn't you say you needed a box?" Nikki: "No." Jonesy: "Oh, because I thought I heard Chrissy telling me that you did. Or was she telling her Jedi friends?" ''[Jonesy grins widely. Nikki snatches the box and hands over some money.]'' Nikki: "Extortionist." Jonesy: "Thank you." Jen: "Wait a minute! Oh, no you don't! You can not be competing for that grand prize!" Jonesy: "I'm gonna enjoy all that new hockey equipment." Jen: "Oh no you're not. Because I'm gonna win." Jonesy: "That sounds like a bet." Jen: "Oh, it's a bet all right. I bet that I'll blow you away!" Jonesy: "You're on!" Wyatt: "Oh, here we go."

''[Ron walks into the Penalty Box. He heads right for Jen.]'' Ron: [whispering] "I'm here for the jellybeans." Coach Halder: "No selling on the job, Masterson! Except, of course, to me." [through a mouthful of jellybeans] "Mmm, these are really good." [swallowing] "Now drop and give me twenty!" ''[Jen drops. She is just below the counter.]'' Jen: [whispering] "Big Squeeze, eleven o'clock." Coach Halder: "NOW!"

''[Jen walks through the food court. She sees a familiar face behind a pillar.]'' Jen: "Ah-ha." [She walks over to the pillar.] Ron: [whispering] "Jellybeans." [Jen hands over three packs of jellybeans and gets fifteen dollars for her trouble.]

[At the Khaki Barn, Kirsten is training Ashley.] Kirsten: "And this is where we keep the refund slips, and the credit notes. Oh, I so wish we could hire you!" [looking at Nikki] "She doesn't do anything around here." Nikki: "She's got a point." [Jonesy walks in with his wagonload of plastic wrap.] Jonesy: "Yo, Chrissy, wanna buy some plastic wrap?" Chrissy: "Why would I wanna do that?" Jonesy: "'Cause you want to look like this." [He shows off his plastic-wrapped legs, and the Clones laugh.] Nikki: "Ugh!" Jonesy: "Laugh if you want, but cellophane's the new cashmere. It's sheer, sexy, and doesn't breathe so you sweat off those extra pounds." Kirsten: "Really?" Jonesy: "Yep. Lindsay Lohanigan wore cellophane to the V8-1 fashion awards. It's hot." Kirsten: "I'll take two!" [She buys them.] "Eep! I'm gonna make a plastic wrap poncho!" Kristen: "Omigosh! Me too!" Nikki: "Unbelievable." [Chissy and Jonesy wrap Kristen and Kirsten in plastic wrap, and the cellophane-clad girls squeal.] Jonesy: "It's also good for protecting things of value, like your Vintage Original-Issue Lightsaber Replica." [Chrissy and Nikki gasp.] Kirsten: "A light-whattica?" Jonesy: "Nothing! Forget I said anything! Chrissy is not in Darth's Jedi Knight Club." ''[Chrissy gasps. Jonesy slaps his hand over his mouth.]'' Kristen: "You're in a Star Wars club?" Chrissy: "Nikki!" Nikki: "Jonesy!" Jonesy: "Oops." Chrissy: "You promised you'd keep your big mouth shut!" Nikki: "Oh, c'mon, Chrissy, it's just Jonesy. I-I'll tell you a ton of his embarrassing secrets." Jonesy: "I heard that!" Chrissy: "Nikki! You backstabbing non-Khaki-Barn-wearing pain-in-my-butt jerk! You're fired!" [Everyone in the store gasps; Nikki and Jonesy are shocked, while Kristen and Kirsten are happy.] Chrissy: "Ashley, you're hired." Kristen, Kirsten, and Ashley: "EEEEEEEEE!!!"

[The gang is gathered around the table.] Caitlin: "You sold Nikki out for plastic wrap?" Jonesy: "It was an accident!" Nikki: "Well your little accident means I have to find a new job." Wyatt: "Don't worry. If Jonesy can find a new job each week, so can you." Nikki: "Hmm. Okay."

[Nikki is being interviewed at Wonder Taco.] Julie: "You'll have to wear the taco hat and learn the Wonder Taco anthem, you know." [singing poorly] "Feeling hungry, have no fear. Wonder Taco is always near." [Nikki bursts into laughter and walks away.]

[Nikki is trying to return tennis balls.] Coach Halder: "Okay, Wong. Tell me why I should hire you if you can't return a pansy little lob." [A tennis ball hits Nikki in the head and knocks her over.]

[Nikki's newest attempt is at Frilly and Pink.] Salesgirl: "We just got these in. Pink. Khakis." Nikki: "Uh..." [Nikki gives up and leaves.]

Nikki: "Well, I've never actually, y'know, done a tattoo before, but, I can learn on the job, right?" [The tattoo artist looks at her and growls.]

''[Nikki is walking through the mall when she comes to Stereo Shack. She moans and goes in.]''

[Jude and Wyatt are at work.] Jude: "Dude, check it out. I was talking to this sweet babe, and she said she thinks you're cute." Wyatt: "Really? Who is she?" Jude: "I didn't get her name, but I met her at the food court. She eats a lot of chicken. I told her to drop by. Here she comes now." [A familiar redhead walks through the doors of Underground Video.] Wyatt: [whispering] "BAAAAH! There's Lydia!" [He ducks behind the counter.] Jude: "How'd you know her nam–" Wyatt: [whispering] "Freaky Lydia? The one who stalked Jonesy? Ring a bell?" ''[Jude dives under the counter as well. Lydia walks up.]'' Lydia: "Hi, Jude. I'm here to see Wyatt." Jude: [in a falsetto, using his hat as a hand puppet] "Um, Wyatt and Jude aren't here right now." Lydia: [eye twitching] "Oh, okay. Do you know when they'll be back?" Jude: "Uh..." [Wayne walks in.] Lydia: "Hi Wyatt!" Wayne: "I don't wanna burst your bubble, honey, but I'm Wayne?" Lydia: "I'm Lydia! I'm here for our date. Look, I brought chicken nuggets." Wayne: "Sweet." [Wayne offers her his arm, and he and Lydia walk out of the store arm in arm, Wayne blissfully unaware of the relationship horror in store.] Jude: "Lydia thought Wayne was you, dude!" Wyatt: "I don't know how, but I'm not complaining."

[Jen is waiting outside the Penalty Box by a square of greenery.] Ron: "Psst! Over here!" [He peeks out of the bushes.] "You got the stuff?" Jen: "You got the cash?" Ron: [handing over money, voice shaking] "Give it to me. Give it to me now." [Jen hands over a box and Ron tears into it voraciously.]

''[Darth is playing with his lightsaber. Suddenly, Nikki grabs the tip of it. Darth rushes over.]'' Darth: "To what do I owe this pleasure?" Nikki: "I need a job." Darth: "You start now!" [He runs off and comes back with a Slave Leia costume.] "Here's your uniform!" Nikki: [shoving him away] "Drop dead." Darth: "The power of the force is strong with this one."

''[Darth is breathing heavily into Nikki's ear. He coughs and takes a sip from his inhaler. He then resumes his breathing. Julie walks into the store.]'' Julie: "Hi Darth!" ''[Julie's eyes widen and she stops dead. Darth waves to her with one hand, his other arm around Nikki. Tears come to Julie's eyes and, with a sob, she runs out of the store. Nikki thunks her head on the counter.]'' Nikki: "This is the end." Darth: [doing a Yoda imitation] "No, only the beginning, it is." [Nikki groans.]

[The gang are gathered around the table.] Nikki: "Oh, Darth is way worse than the clones! What was I thinking? Oh, I'm less employable than Jonesy!" Wyatt: "C'mon, guys. Darth isn't so bad." Nikki: "Easy for you to say! He doesn't have a crush on you!" Caitlin: "If you don't want Darth crushing on you, all we need to do is find someone else for him to like." Nikki: "You know, that's not a bad idea." [Julie walks by.] "And I know just the girl."

''[Jen is sitting on a bench with her bag of jellybeans, hood drawn tight. Ron is on the other end, looking disheveled and shaking. He slides a billfold down the bench. Jen takes it and slides a case containing several boxes of jellybeans down the bench. Ron takes it and leaves.]'' Jonesy: "What are you doing with our sworn enemy?" Jen: [relaxing her hood] "A sale is a sale, Jonesy, and I just unloaded a twelve-pack." Jonesy: "Well you might as well quit now. I was born to sell! Besides, I've got much better people skills, and I'm better looking than you." Jen: "Oh that is it. It is so on." Jonesy: "Bring it, baby!"

[Jonesy and Jen are selling right next to each other at the fountain.] Jen: "Get your chocolate-covered jellybeans here!" Jonesy: "Yeah, if you want diarrhea! Looking for something that's actually useful? Buy my cellophane wrap!" Jen: "It's cheap and it leaks!" [An old lady passes by, and she steps in front of the senior citizen.] "Good afternoon, ma'am. Support our high school snowboard team?" [The lady picks up a box.] Jonesy: [whispering] "Her candy's made from car wax." ''[The old lady quickly gives Jen the candy back. Jonesy, seeing three baby-toting customers, rushes over to them.]'' "Ladies, have I got a time-saver for you. Environmentally friendly, too." Jen: [grabbing a sheet] "Observe! This plastic wrap chokes small children!" [The women quickly give Jonesy the wrap back and walk onwards.] Jonesy: [advertising] "This is high-quality stuff, people, made from the very best, uh, uh stuff around!" Jen: "Got a sweet tooth? Get your delicious chocolate-covered jellybeans here! They make great gifts!" [Jonesy wets his finger and shoves it into her ear.] "GAH! Leave me alone, Jonesy!" Jonesy: "Then go find another location to sell your crappy candy!" Jen: "No way!" [A shoving match breaks out, and they both end up taking a tumble into the fountain.]

[Darth is showing Nikki around her new job.] Darth: "...and this is where we keep the scientific calculators." [He yawns and slips an arm around Nikki.] Nikki: [shoving him] "Whoa! Back off, Jedi boy. I hate to break it to you, but it's never going to happen." Darth: "Never?" Nikki: "Never!" Darth: "Not a one-in-a-million chance?" Nikki: "Let me put it in a language that you'll understand. There's a better chance that Obi-Wan will join the Sith." Darth: [sighing] "I see." Nikki: "But, I have an even better idea!" Darth: "Better than you and I making out in a life-size model of the Millenium Falcon?" Nikki: "Ew! Yes. Caitlin and I are hooking you up with someone." Darth: "Who's the lucky girl?"

[Nikki and Caitlin shove Darth into a chair and remove his helmet.] Darth: "What are we doing? I thought you were setting me up with Julie!" Caitlin: "We are. But first, we're giving you a makeover!" [Several tools pop out of a box she's brought for the procedure.] Darth: "I-I-I don't know about this." Caitlin: "You want Julie to like you, right?" Darth: "Yeah but I-I think she already–" Caitlin: "Just think of it as your transformation. We all go through one." Nikki: "It's not like Anakin became the Dark Lord overnight, right?" Caitlin: "We're just gonna make you a little less...you. Who knows? You might even turn out kind of hot." Nikki: [playing along] "Yeah! And then Julie won't be able to keep her hands off you." Darth: "Alright. You may proceed with the hottification process."

''[The process begins with a haircut. Caitlin then pulls out a compact and examines her reflection.]'' Nikki: "Caitlin!" Caitlin: "Oh!" ''[She turns back to Darth and shows him his reflection. She and Nikki then take him shopping. After several tries, they finally find a style that suits him at the Khaki Barn, and Ashley checks him out. He is at the front of a long line.]'' Kirsten: "Look at her! She's hogging all the customers!" Kristen: "What a corporate social climber. I don't like her anymore." Chrissy: "It was your idea to hire her!" Kristen: "Ugh! Was not!" Kirsten: "Was too!" The Clones: "Hmmph!" Nikki: "Ah, the clone wars have begun."

''[Nikki, Caitlin, and Darth are standing outside of Grind Me. Caitlin and Nikki have earpieces in.]'' Nikki: "Here's your earpiece." [Darth takes it and puts it in.] Caitlin: "May the force be with you, Darth." ''[Darth walks in and stands behind Julie. He taps her on the shoulder to get her attention.]'' Julie: "Hi Darth. You look–different." Darth: "I've got...khakis." [Julie looks at him oddly, unimpressed.]

[Lydia, carrying a rubber chicken in one hand, drags Wayne through the food court.] Wayne: "Leave me alone! I told you, you are not my girlfriend!" Lydia: "That doesn't mean we can't still go out!" Wayne: "GUH!" [Jonesy and Jen walk to their normal table, exhausted.] Jonesy: "I can't do this anymore." Jen: [sitting on the table] "Truce?" Jonesy: [flopping into a chair] "Truce." Ron: "Psst!" [Jen walks over.] "Yo! Jellybean girl! I need to make another purchase!" [He holds up a credit card.] Jen: "I don't take plastic!" Ron: [looking horrible] "I'm outta cash!" Jen: "Then you're outta luck, copper!" Ron: [writing on a stray piece of paper] "This is an IOU. I'm good for it." Jen: "You show me the cash, I show you the goods! Get it?" Ron: [standing up, seething] "How about you forget the cash, and show me your permit, punk." Jen: "My permit, eh? Do I need one?" Ron: "Yes. Yes you do. I'm arresting you for solicitation without a permit, hand over the merchandise." Jen: "You can't do that!" Jonesy: "Is there a problem here, officer?" Ron: "I just want the candy, maggots!" Jonesy: "That, will cost you." [He grabs Jen's bag and makes a run for it.] Ron: "Hey, come back here with that!" [He gives chase.] Jonesy: [holding the bag over the fountain waters] "You arrest us and I'm dumping it! All of it!" Ron: "No! We can work something out! N-no need to do anything rash!" Jonesy: "I have an idea. You look like a man who could use some cellophane wrap. And I take IOUs."

[Wyatt, Jude, and Wayne are at work, staring at a rubber chicken Lydia left on the counter.] Wayne: "That Lydia is one messed up chick." Lydia: "Hi!" ''[Jude and Wayne duck beneath the counter. Lydia walks up to Wyatt carrying a stuffed rooster.]'' Lydia: "Wyatt! I had such a great time on our date yesterday." Wyatt: "Um, that wasn't me." Jude: [whispering to Wayne] "Dude! Now she thinks Wyatt is you!" Lydia: [holding up the stuffed bird] "This is for you! I made it in taxidermy class, I got an A."

[Julie and Darth are making out, braces stuck together.] Caitlin: [through the earpiece] "Darth? How's it going? All I hear are muffled slobbery sounds." [Darth and Julie fall apart with a smash.]

[Darth is in the Stereo Shack, an ice pack pressed to his mouth.] Caitlin: "Was it as bad as it sounded?" Darth: "It was worse than when the Republic failed to defeat the Confederacy, leading to the destruction of the Jedi order as it once was." [tearful] "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to be alone." [Julie's hand taps him on the shoulder.] Julie: "I brought back some of the rubber bands that you left in my hair from your braces–you put your cape back on! I love a man in a cape!" [Darth grins, and Nikki and Caitlin share a smile.]

[Lydia is crawling on the counter.] Lydia: "Come to me, Wyatt-cookie-poo-poo!" [Wyatt, backing away, backs into his crouched friends, who leap up.] Jude: "Ow! Chill out, chicken girl!" Lydia: "I didn't know you had an identical twin!" Wyatt: "We're not twins! I'm black, and he's white!" Wayne: [laughing] "And you're crazy." Lydia: "Oh my gosh. I'll have to make you another chicken." Jude: "Wait. Um, the Wyatts are allergic to chicken, and that guy likes you." [He points at a random customer.] Lydia: "Really? He's cute. Okay, bye." [chasing the guy Jude indicated] "Wyatt! Wait up for me!"

[Darth and Nikki are at work.] Nikki: "So, how'd things go with Julie?" Darth: "Great! She likes me for my inner beauty and my skills with the lightsaber! Oh, and BTW, you're fired." Nikki: "Fired? You can't fire me just because you got a new girlfriend." Darth: "Okay, then I'll fire you because you stink at your job." Nikki: "I do not!" Darth: "Where are the positronic calculators?" [Nikki stands silent.] "The three-amp transmitters?" [Silence.] "The headphones." [Nikki heaves a sigh.] Nikki: "Okay, fair enough. So, where's Julie?" ''[Darth looks towards the back. Julie walks out wearing the Slave Leia costume Nikki refused earlier.]'' Darth: "Looking good, baby. Looking good." Nikki: [walking out, to herself] "Ugh! If only he'd fired me just one second sooner."

[The gang are gathered around the table.] Nikki: "I can't believe I got fired. Again." Jonesy: "Glad to see I rubbed off on you." Caitlin: "I don't think the Clones like the new girl very much. Why don't you just beg for your old job back?" Nikki: "Beg to work at the Khaki Barn? Well, it could be worse." [realizing] "No wait. It really couldn't."

''[Nikki walks into the Khaki Barn, shoulders slumped. Kirsten dashes up to her.]'' Kirsten: "Look Chrissy! It's Nikki! EEEEEE!" [She pulls Nikki over to the other Clones.] Nikki: "Listen, Chrissy, I–" Chrissy: "Do you want your old job back?" Nikki: "Um..." The Clones: "Pleeeeeaaaaassssseeee???" Nikki: "Well...I'd require a ten percent raise of course. And two more breaks per day." Chrissy: "You're hired! Ashley, you're fired." Kristen: "Yay! Nikki's back." Nikki: "I thought you hated me." Kirsten: "Well, we did. But then having Ashley around made us realize something." Chrissy: "She hustled like all of our sales. You let us get all the commissions." Kristen: "Yeah, you're like so useless at sales? That's why we love you." Nikki: "Aw, thanks girls."

[The gang is gathered around the table.] Jude: "Rockin the old job, very nice." Nikki: "Yep. I kinda missed messing up the sweater vests." ''[Darth and Julie stop in the middle of the food court and kiss. Lydia chases her chosen boy with the rooster.]'' Jonesy: [calling out] "Just run, dude! Run!" Caitlin: "Got any more of those jellybeans?" Jen: "Uh-uh." Nikki: "You got rid of them all?" Jonesy: "And all my plastic wrap." Jen: "We're gonna split the prize." Wyatt: "Where'd you put it all?" ''[Ron walks by with a wagonful of plastic wrap and jellybeans. The gang laughs at him as Darth and Julie continue their makeout session.]''