The Big Sickie/Script

Jude: "I understand now! It's like looking into the heart of the universe, and finding only, like, your own soul. And it's yellow!" ''[Jude is looking at the lemon juicer. Stanley comes by and shoots Caitlin with his ball gun.]'' Caitlin: "Ouch!" Stanley: "Gotcha, lemonhead!" Jude: "Nice shot, dude." Caitlin: [picking up the balls] "You're so never getting these back, you little brat!" Yummy Mummy: [softly] "Ahem." Caitlin: "Here you go." ''[Caitlin hands the balls over, and Yummy Mummy and Stanley walk off. As they leave, Stanley blows a raspberry at Caitlin before firing one last shot.]'' Caitlin: [sighing] "I live in a lemon. There's no amount of foundation that can hide my shame." Jude: "I hear ya, bra. I mean, working at Stick It looks easy, but–whoa. Wait a second...it is easy!" ''[Wyatt enters. His eyes are wide, his hair is messy, and he looks very stressed. In his hand is a coffee.]'' Wyatt: "One more day. Just one more day." Caitlin: "What's with him?" [Jude shrugs and goes over to his friend.] Jude: "Dude, you look terrible." Wyatt: "There's a sale on country records this week all week!" Caitlin: "That doesn't sound so bad." Wyatt: "You don't understand. All they've been playing is country music. I've had discussions about old country versus new country, and I'm starting to form...an opinion." Jude: "Dude, no." Wyatt: [upset] "Dude yes!" [He notices Jude's hand near his headphones.] "Don't touch that. It's therapy." Jude: "Chill, man." [He puts them on and hears only static.] "I don't hear anything." Wyatt: "White noise. It clears your mind of all music, the way sorbet cleanses the pallet." Jude: [relaxing] "Dude." Caitlin: "I think you should take that away from him. We don't want him to accidentally erase any more brain cells." Wyatt: "If I hear 'Bobby's Gotta Fry' one more time, I'm gonna full-on lose it! I mean it! No middle ground." Caitlin: "How many coffees have you had today?" Wyatt: "Three. Not counting this. I didn't get any sleep last night. I was afraid to have the dream again." Caitlin: "What dream?" Wyatt: "The one about the cowboy who thinks I'm the one who ran away with his wife to the big city and he's coming to kick my aaaAAAAAA!!!!" ''[He notices a cowboy on the other side of the food court. Wyatt then proceeds to grab his headphones and run.]'' Jude: "What's the rush, man?" [He sees Caitlin.] "You look familiar. What's your name again?"

''The opening credits roll. The name of this episode is The Big Sickie''

[Caitlin and Wyatt are sitting together at the table by the Big Squeeze.] Caitlin: "It was just a dream, Wyatt. Not all cowboys are out to get you." Jen: [rushing up] "I need a lemon whip. Fast!" Caitlin: "I'm on it!" [She rushes behind the counter.] Jen: "Man, if I'm late, I'm toast!" Nikki: "Hey guys, what's up?" Caitlin: "Hi Nikki!" Nikki: [ignoring Caitlin] "Anyway, what's with you?" Jen: "I'm just a little tense about work." Jude: "Coach kicking your butt again?" Jen: "He's like this psycho prison guard! I just got off probation, and if I'm late, I'll go right back on!" Caitlin: "But you're the best worker, like, ever!" Nikki: [mocking Caitlin] "Yeah, like, really!" Caitlin: "I'm just trying to–" ''[Nikki holds up her hand in the 'talk to the hand' gesture. Caitlin gasps and returns the gesture.]'' Wyatt: "So, what are you on probation for?" Jen: "I folded some sweatshirts instead of hanging them on the rack." Wyatt: "And you didn't get jail time?" Caitlin: "Here, try this." [Jen takes a swig and immediately spits it out.] Jen: "This sucks!" Caitlin: "I haven't exactly gotten to lemon whips in the manual yet." [Jonesy arrives, dressed like an old-timey carnival barker.] Jonesy: "Ladies, gentlemen, one and all, the Jonesmiester is here." Nikki: "Nice outfit." Jonesy: "You like it." Nikki: "Uh, you look like an idiot?" Jonesy: "Insult me all you like. I know you want me." [to the group in general] "What's with the long faces?" Jen, Jude, Caitlin, Wyatt, and Nikki: "Work sucks!" Jonesy: "Whoa. I feel your pain, and I have come to the rescue. You're looking at the newest staff member of the Galleria Mall Amusement Park." Jude: "Dude!" Jonesy: "Jude!" [They hi-five.] Wyatt: "Great. And I have to spend the afternoon ducking rednecks." Jonesy: "Do you, though? Take a day off, and I'll sneak you into the amusement park for an all-expenses paid mental health day!" Caitlin: [clapping] "Can you do that?" Jonesy: "Oh, yeah. There's a side door. I can sneak you all in." Nikki: "It'd be better than working." Wyatt: "I'm in." Caitlin: "And anything would be better than another minute in a giant lemon." Jen: "NO WAY!" [The gang looks at her, shocked.] "There's no way I'm calling in sick and going to the amusement park." Nikki: "Why not?" Jen: "Hello? I just got off probation? If I get caught, I might get fired!" Jonesy: "That's not so bad. It happens to me every day." Caitlin: "Come on, Jen, it'll be fun!" Jen: [considering] "Well..." [realizing] "What am I thinking? NO! I've gotta go to work!" Jude: [as Pomp and Circumstance plays] "Jen, it's your duty to take the day off work. No, it's your destiny." Wyatt: "Destiny?" Nikki: "He's on a roll." Jude: "Calling in sick, is like, a necessary part of the evolutionary process." Jen: "What are you talking about?" Jude: "Where would the human race be without the sick day? We'd still be living in trees, eating bananas...and fish...and things..." [Nikki and Wyatt share a glance.] "We're humans because millions of years ago, some ape took a day off and invented tools. That ape decided, 'I'm not going into the tree today, I'm gonna go build a small car out of rocks or maybe teach a cow to give me some milk'." ''[Jen rolls her eyes and walks off. A crowd begins to gather.]'' "Next thing you know, we're golfing on the moon! Which further illustrates my point because, like even at the point where the astronauts were pulling this mad historical move, they recognized the opportunity for goofing off. It's like, 'One small step for man...dude, let's spin a few donuts in my moon buggy!' The sick day isn't just a fun thing to do, it's a fundamental right of every man, woman, and child!" [The crowd cheers.] Jude: "Where's Jen?" Jonesy: "She left a couple minutes ago." Jude: "Bummer." Wyatt: "Good speech though." Jonesy: [checking the time] "I gotta rock. Are you guys in?" Caitlin: "Definitely we're in!" Nikki: "We? Since when were you part of we?" Jonesy: "I'll be the judge of this. She's hot, she's fun, she's in. I'll be at the park. Call me on my cell when you're on your way. Later." Wyatt: "It is now 0956 hours. We make our excuses at our respective places of employment and rendezvous back here at 1030 hours. Mark!" Caitlin, Jude, and Nikki: "Mark!" Caitlin: "Alright!" ''[Jude, Nikki, and Wyatt evacuate. Caitlin looks around, realizing that she runs the shop.]'' Caitlin: "Hey, do you guys know who my boss is?"

Kristen: [greeting customers] "Welcome to the Khaki Barn! Have a Khaki day!" ''[The Clones are busily folding shirts. Nikki approaches them.]'' Nikki: "Listen up!" [She stands in front of them.] "I'm taking the day off. This may be short notice, but I have this friend who arrived suddenly from out of town. Now this friend, she comes once a month to see me, and quite frankly, I don't enjoy her visits. In fact, she makes me kind of crazy. So for your safety, and the safety of the fine patrons of the Khaki Barn, I'm taking the day off! Any objections?" [The Clones look at her, cowed.] Nikki: "Fine. Seeya." ''[Nikki leaves. As soon as she's gone, the Clones huddle together for comfort and protection.]''

''[Men in cowboy hats occupy every corner of Spin This. Wyatt is huddled up against a stack of CDs, groaning and rocking back and forth. Chad notices.]'' Chad: "Wyatt, what's wrong, man?" Wyatt: "Migraine. Too much–Pixie Hicks. Can't–take–the whining. Losing my sense of self." Chad: "Man, I understand. I've been there." [lifting Wyatt onto his feet] "Go home. Get into a dark room. Put on some Coldplay, or some old Talking Heads can help." Wyatt: [starting to leave] "Radiohead." Chad: "Even better." Wyatt: "Uuuuughhhhh..." ''[Wyatt leaves the store hunched over and groaning. As soon as he's out of sight, he returns to normal.]'' Wyatt: "Mission accomplished!" [He sets out for the Big Squeeze.]

[Jude is in the Stick It, working on something.] Jude: "Hmm...there. Nope." [rearranging it] "Sweet." ''[Jude has made a replica of himself. He walks out of the store and decides to test it.]'' Jude: [impersonating a customer] "Ahem. Excuse me, dude, can I have the Polish sausage stick-it?" [The statue sits there and does nothing.] Jude: "Flawless. I rule." ''[Jude runs off. Stuart Goldstein arrives and clears his throat.]''

''[Wyatt dials Nikki. She picks up.]'' Nikki: "Hey, what's up?" Wyatt: "Nikki. Mission accomplished. I'm heading for the rendezvous point." Nikki: "Me too. Have you heard from Jude?" [She receives another call.] Jude: "Hey, what's up?" Nikki: "Hey Jude. I conferenced you in. Wyatt?" Jude: "Hey dude." Wyatt: "Hey." [He gets another call.] Jonesy: "Wyatt." Wyatt: "Hey. Hang on. I'll conference you in." Jonesy: "Hello?" Nikki: "Jonesy." Jonesy: "Nikki!" Jude: "Dude." Jonesy: "Jude." [Nikki's phone receives another call.] Nikki: "Oh, hold on. I got a call." Caitlin: "Hey! It's me!" Nikki: "Oh. It's you. Hang on." [Nikki brings Caitlin into the loop.] Nikki: "Guys, I conferenced in Malibu Juice Barbie." Caitlin: "Hey!" Jonesy: "Hey." Wyatt: "Hey." Jude: "Hey." Jonesy: "Are you guys all set?" Wyatt: "We're all at the rendezvous." Caitlin: "Wait a minute! Where's Jen? Hang on, I'll conference her in."

[Jen is working hard at the Penalty Box helping a customer.] Penalty Box Customer: "Boy, the graphite seems to have a greater tensile strength, allowing me to utilize all the power I can generate in my swing, don't you find?" Jen: "Absolutely sir, it's very strong." Penalty Box Customer: "Of course the wood has a pleasing traditional aesthetic quality that will impress the ladies at the club and that's important too, right?" Jen: "That's true." [to herself] "If they're over sixty." [Her phone rings.] "Excuse me for a second, please." [picking up] "Hello?" Nikki: "Jen, where are you?" Caitlin: "Yeah, we're totally waiting for you at the lemon, c'mon!" Jen: "I told you I'm not coming!" Jude: "But it won't be the same without you!" Penalty Box Customer: [accidentally hitting himself with the racket] "Ow." Wyatt: "C'mon, Jen, it'll be fun!" Jen: "I can't. I don't want to lose my job. I'm trying to be responsible." Jonesy: "That's so overrated." Jen: "I've gotta go." [The customer trips and lands in a huge pile of golf balls, spilling them all over.] Penalty Box Customer: "Ow. Whoopsie! Ow. Ow." Jen: "I'm hanging up now, I've got golf balls to clean up." Penalty Box Customer: "Owchie. Ow. Owley. Ow." Jen: "So what'll it be, wood or graphite?" Caitlin: "I guess Jen's out." Nikki: "I'm not giving up yet. Give us an hour, Jonesy, she'll be there." [The rest of the gang hang up, and Caitlin, Jude, Wyatt and Nikki begin to devise a plan.] Jude: "Jen seems to have lost her perspective in this particular situation." Wyatt: "For once you've made a truly lucid comment." Jude: "No need to insult me, dude." Nikki: "It's up to us to give her that perspective back. It's time for...an intervention. Alright, you guys, I have a plan." Jude: "Sweet." Caitlin: "I'm in. Hang on." [She removes her apron and hat.] "Ready! Oh, wait." [Caitlin ducks under the counter and comes back up with a sign.] Caitlin: "I made this last week. It'll be the perfect cover." Nikki: "Closed for emergency pedicure?" [choosing to ignore it] "Okay. Here's what we do..."

Kristen: [greeting shoppers] "Welcome to the Khaki Barn! Have a Khaki Day!" [The Clones are folding clothes when Nikki and Caitlin walk in, Nikki hostilely, Caitlin gingerly.] Nikki: [grabbing some clothes] "My friend says I need shopping therapy." [The Clones cower under the table.] Nikki: "I'm gonna use my employee discount for these items." [selecting some pants] "And these." [taking another shirt] "And these. You know, I think that today, the employee discount is 90%. Hmm?!? Any problems with that?" [The employees don't reply.] "Good. Put it on my tab. Later." Caitlin: [looking at a top] "Do you have capris to match this?" Nikki: "C'mon! If you're gonna follow me around, you might as well make yourself useful." [She hands Caitlin the clothes.] Caitlin: "Are you gonna let me in on your plan now?" Nikki: "Just leave it to the professionals."

''[Jude and Wyatt are at a store. A man is working on something for them.]'' Employee: "Here you go. Two nametags." [Jude and Wyatt look at them and hi-five.]

''[Caitlin is waiting outside a store. Nikki comes out and shows her a fake mustache before sticking it on Caitlin's face.]'' Caitlin: "Hey!" ''[Nikki grins and walks off. Caitlin follows, still wearing the mustache.]''

''[Wyatt and Jude try on some sunglasses in another store. They grin and leave with them on. Well, Wyatt leaves. Jude accidentally walks into the glass storefront.]'' Jude: "Whoa..."

[Stuart Goldstein is still trying to get served at Stick It.] Stuart Goldstein: "Excuse me, could I please have some service!" [He waits.] "Hello! Could I please have some service, please!" [The mannequin ignores him, as mannequins do.] Stuart Goldstein: [begging] "Could I?"

[The guys are changing in the loathsome washrooms.] Jude: "Dude." Wyatt: "Yo." Jude: "Sorry." Wyatt: "Why?" Wyatt and Jude: "Ugh, nasty." Caitlin: [covering her nose outside] "Why don't they ever clean these washrooms? They're totally gagworthy." Nikki: [mocking] "Yeah, like totally." Caitlin: "You know, you're like totally putting the itch in b–" Nikki: "Whoa, my little lemon-squeezing waif. You think you can just waltz into our lives and join the crew, like some kinda insta-friend? I've known these guys since kindergarten! We have history! All I know about you is that...you...wear a lot of pink!" ''[The door opens and the guys rush out. They are dressed as paramedics.]'' Jude: "Buh–I didn't think I could hold my breath that long!" Nikki: "Let's see." [looking them over] "Hmm. Not bad. Where are the nametags?" Jude: [realizing] "I left them on the counter." Nikki: "Well, go get them. And meet me at the Penalty Box in fifteen." Jude: [panicking] "I can't go back in there! I-I can't!" Wyatt: "You can!" Jude: "I can't." Wyatt: [authoritative] "We'll do it together." ''[They both take a deep breath and dive in. Caitlin and Nikki start to giggle as soon as Jude and Wyatt leave.]'' Caitlin: [giggling] "Oh brother." Nikki: "Uh! Why is it guys can make all kinds of stinks themselves–" Caitlin: "But they can't stand anyone else's? Oh, I know." ''[The girls suddenly stop, realizing that they're bonding. Nikki clears her throat.]'' Nikki: "Let's go. We've got work to do." Caitlin: [tentative] "We do?" Nikki: "Come on." ''[Caitlin smiles and follows Nikki. Inside the restroom, however, Jude and Wyatt are having trouble.]'' Wyatt: "Oh, my lord. Why? Why!?" Jude: "Dude, don't look in stall 2. If you do, you–" Wyatt: "Aaahg!" Jude: "Dude, I told you not to look."

''[Coach Halder is manning the counter at the Penalty Box. The phone rings, and he picks it.]'' Coach Halder: "Penalty Box, where we always get 2 minutes for slashing prices. Coach Halder here." Nikki: [in a higher register] "I need to talk to Jennifer Masterson please!" Coach Halder: "This phone isn't for personal calls." Nikki: "It's an emergency!" [pretending to be holding back tears] "This is her sister Vicky, um, her aunt has had a terrible fall, and needs Jen to come to the hospital right away." Coach Halder: "Oh my! I'll get her right away!" [He puts the phone down and is about to get Jen when he realizes something.] "Wait wait hold it up, Smokey! On her application Jen didn't mention any sisters!" Nikki: "Um...I suffer from chronic shyness, so Jen didn't mention me because...it might expose me to...emotional distress. She has to come quickly! Aunt Barrel hit her head and lost her memory and she's–" [faking tears] "–calling out for Jen!" Coach Halder: "If she's lost her memory, how can she be calling out for Jen? How about that huh? Huh huh?" Nikki: "Uh–it's a medical mystery! But that's what she keeps screaming over and over, Jen, Jen, Jen." Coach Halder: "I'll get Jen right away." Nikki: "Hurry, man, hurry!" Coach Halder: "Masterson! Phone! Emergency at home, your Aunt Barrel had a fall." Jen: "My Aunt who?" [into the phone] "Hello?" Nikki: [normally] "Hey, it's me, breaking you out!" Jen: "I'm not going! Why don't you just go with Caitlin and the guys?" Nikki: "Little Miss Powderpuff, are you kidding me?" [Caitlin lowers her binoculars and looks at Nikki angrily.] "You can't ditch me with her!" Jen: "I told you, I'm not going! Leave me alone!" Nikki: "You need this sick day more than you know!" ''[Jen takes the phone and hangs it up. Outside, Caitlin and Nikki discuss what to do next.]'' Caitlin: "What now?" Nikki: [dialing a number] "Plan B."

[Jude and Wyatt are outside the Stereo Shack, looking at their pictures in a TV screen.] Jude: "Awesome." Wyatt: "This hi-def is like you're actually in the movie." [He receives a call and gasps.] "C'mon!" [Wyatt grabs Jude and drags him away.]

[Nikki looks at the clock on her phone and snaps it shut.] Nikki: "Where are they? They should be here by now! We'll have to stall." Caitlin: "Leave it to me." [She picks up a mascara brush.] Nikki: "We don't need longer, thicker lashes right this minute." Caitlin: "Let a professional work." [She pokes herself in the eye with the brush.] "Ouch!" ''[Caitlin's eyes well up with tears, and her makeup runs. Once the pain subsides, she grins at Nikki, fully prepared for her role. She then runs into the Penalty Box and throws herself at Jen.]'' Jen: "What the–Caitlin?!?" Caitlin: [affecting a southern accent] "Oh, Jen! You've got to come! Aunt Barrel isn't gon' make it!" Jen: [pushing her away] "Get off me! I'm not coming and that's final!" Caitlin: "You'll never forgive yourself if you don't come! We need y'all!" [Jen pushes Caitlin off again.] Coach Halder: "What's going on over here?" Caitlin: "Coach Halder! She's so brave. She doesn't want to leave work even to see her poor, dy'n Aunt Betty!" [realizing she said the wrong name] "Barrel. But we need her! We need her strength more than evah!" Nikki: [watching through binoculars, impressed] "Huh. The girl's got talent." [She spots the paramedics with a stretcher.] "Finally!" Caitlin: [seeing the paramedics] "Aw, no! It's more desp'rate than ah thought!" ''[She begins to cry. Coach Halder gasps.]'' "Aw, I'm so glad you're here, paramedics John Gage and...Dude I'm Totally A Paramedic?" Wyatt: [authoritative] "We're here to take you to the hospital." Jude: "Yeah, like, stat." Jen: "I am not going anywhere." Caitlin: "She's in denial! Do something!" Coach Halder: [solemn] "You'd better go, Jen. Your aunt may not have much time." Jen: "I'm not going anywhere. This is all a load–" ''[Jude shoves a tongue depressor into Jen's mouth. Wyatt grabs her.]'' Wyatt: "She's in shock. Start a ringer-lactate solution. 200 ccs Ritalin stat." Jen: [spitting out the tongue depressor] "You guys–" ''[Jude jams another one into her mouth and helps Wyatt load her onto the stretcher. Jen struggles.]'' Jude: "I think we're going to have to, like, restrain her." [Jen kicks him.] "Stat." Coach Halder: "You take as long as you need, Jen." [Jude and Wyatt wheel her away.] "We're all about family here at the Penalty Box. Some things are even more important than work." Jen: [being carted away] "Let me go!" Coach Halder: "Ooh! Wow! I wish I was a paramedic. Stat! Stat! Ah that's fun." Caitlin: "Aunt Barrel has you to thank for fulfilling her dyin' wish." Coach Halder: "Hey, don't you work in the lemon?" Caitlin: [nervous] "Yeah! Small world, huh?" ''[Caitlin takes off. The phone at the counter rings. Coach Halder goes over to pick it up.]'' Coach Halder: "Penalty Box, Coach Halder speaking." Jonesy: [in a deep voice] "Yes, hello, this is Jen's father. We need her to come home right now. There's been a food fight–food's everywhere, we need someone to clean it up." ''[Coach Halder's eyes bulge and then narrow. He's figured out the game.]'' Coach Halder: "Oh, I see. Oh, I'll send her home right away, yeah." Jonesy: [normally] "Thank you." [realizing and switching tones] "Thank you." [He hangs up.] "Oh, I'm good." [Coach Halder puts down the phone.] Coach Halder: [angrily, to the store in general] "Cover me!"

''[Caitlin, Jude, and Wyatt are wheeling Jen down the hall. Jen is restrained. She coughs twice.]'' Jen: "You guys are so dead when I get off this thing!" Caitlin: "Don't be mad, Jen. We did it for you." Jen: "If I get caught, I'll lose my job." Jude: "You won't get caught. We pulled it off, man! You're free as a bird." [They meet up with Nikki.] Jen: "I guess you're right, although I am strapped to a table." Nikki: "Yeah, well, freedom is relative."

''[The five are at the side of the amusement park. Jonesy holds the door open for them.]'' Jonesy: "Welcome to my world, friends. Enter." ''[Caitlin, Jude, Wyatt, and Nikki enter, but Jen hangs back. Jen sighs.]'' Jonesy: "C'mon, you're gonna thank us for this!" [Jen enters the park.]

''[Everyone but Jen is playing Whak-A-Mole. Jen looks at them, apathetic, but when she sees what fun they're having, she begins to smile. She then watches as they play a dart game; when Jonesy wins a bear and gives it to her, she grins widely. Jude and Wyatt then proceed to win a giant sea serpent, and everyone but Caitlin goes on the rollercoaster. Jen is seated in the middle of the front row, and she is enjoying herself as much as anyone. They then all go to the concession stand, where everyone but Jude gets cotton candy.]'' Jen: "I love cotton candy!" Wyatt: [surprised] "Jude! A corn dog?" Jude: "What can I say, I'm obsessed with my work." Jen: "You know you guys, I didn't want to take this day off, but I'm so glad you made me do it!" Caitlin: "Aw!" Jen: "Maybe you do need to be a little irresponsible once in a while!" [Coach Halder is behind her.] "Take Coach Halder, for example. Now that man needs to take a mental health day. I mean, it's just a stupid store." Jonesy: "Um–" Jude: "Uh..." Jen: "Why should I stress out over it?" [Coach Halder steals a piece of her cotton candy.] "It's only a means to a–" [realizing] "–uh–achieve a useful contribution to the community and learn–valuable life skills?" Coach Halder: "You're back on probation, Masterson!" Jen: "I can explain." Coach Halder: "You're lucky I don't can you on the spot! I thought you were management potential all the way to head coach! I guess I was wrong!" [He storms off.] Jen: [subdued] "Yeah. Maybe you were." [after a few seconds, turning to her friends] "Let's ride the Vomit Comet again!" [Her friends cheer.]

[The gang are gathered around the table, drinking some of Caitlin's latest work.] Nikki: "That was good work today." Caitlin: "Thanks." Nikki: "You got potential, kid. Where did you pick up that mascara trick?" Caitlin: "We professionals have our secrets." [after a few seconds] "I used to want to be a soap star."

[Nikki slams down her purchases back at the Khaki Barn.] Nikki: "I'm returning these because my 'friend' thinks they make me look too much like you three. Any objections?" [The Clones say nothing.]

Stuart Goldstein: [still talking to the dummy] "Just a little service would be nice."