Whoa, Baby/Script

''[Jen is sleeping when Robbie's hand reaches out with a marker and draws hair on her face. Robbie and Diego laugh, and Diego waves a sweaty sock over her eyes that she unconsciously brushes away. Robbie stuffs two peas into her nose, and Jen snorts them. She wakes up coughing and takes a tissue from Robbie into which blows her nose.]'' Robbie: "Nice green boogers!" ''[He laughs. Jen looks at the tissue and gasps at the peas.]'' Jen: "AAH! HAVING BROTHERS STINKS!" Diego: "Not as much as you." ''[Diego and Robbie laugh as Jen chases them around the living room. Suddenly, Jen skids to a stop.]'' Jen: [angry] "That is my take home exam, Robbie." Robbie: "Oh, well, in that case..." [He sets the papers on the table and knocks a glass of orange juice over onto them.] "Oops." Jen: "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" Robbie: "It was an accident! Just tell your teacher the dog ate it." Jen: "We don't have a dog!" Diego: "Looked in the mirror lately? Woof! Woof!" [Jen starts chasing them again, but trips over the sofa and falls flat on her face.] Jen: "AAAH!" [She begins crying.]

''The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is Whoa, Baby!''

[Caitlin walks into work.] Caitlin: "Hey guys!" Wyatt: "Hey." Nikki: "Sup." Jude: "Hey, how's it going?" Caitlin: "What's with Jen?" [Jen lifts her head, revealing that she still has marker peachfuzz.] Caitlin: "Guh...I think it's time for a wax, Jen." Jen: "It's not hair! It's my stupid stepbrothers! They draw on my face, take my stuff, booby trap my room–uurgh! I hate boys!" Caitlin: [dreamily] "I love boys." Nikki: "Okay, who's it now?" Caitlin: "Sawyer." [She stares at him.] "I just wish he would notice me." Jen: "Maybe if you had black marker on your face, he would!" [Jonesy walks up to the table, laughing when he sees Jen.] Jonesy: "Robbie and Diego! I'd recognize their handiwork anywhere." [Jen pulls her hoodie tight to hide her face.] Caitlin: "Oh no! I think Sawyer has a girlfriend!" [looking closer] "Hey, she looks like me! That's gotta be good, right?" Jonesy: [laughing slightly] "Yeah right." Caitlin: "What? Name one thing that girl has that I don't." Jonesy: "Uh, actually, I can name two." [He points to his chest.] Caitlin: [looking at her rival's breasts] "Oh." Jonesy: "I bumped into Emma on the way here." Jen: "Emma? You mean, my mom? Since when did you start calling her Emma?" Jonesy: "That's her name, isn't it? Emma?" Jen: "Ugghh!" [grabbing Jonesy] "Stop calling her that!" [to her friends] "My mom's taking me shopping. I think she's trying to cheer me up." Caitlin: "Retail therapy always works for me!" Jen: "I hope so! Ugh. I better get to work." Caitlin: "Yeah, me too." [turning to a long line of customers] "Hi, can I help you?"

[Caitlin is reading a magazine at work when Jonesy walks up, sipping a soda.] Jonesy: "Whatcha lookin' at?" Caitlin: "See for yourself." [She shows him some underwear models.] Jonesy: "Whoa, baby! Okay, you and I should hang out more often." Caitlin: "I'm not ogling women's chests! At least not how you think. Are boobs really that important?" Jonesy: "Uh, yeah." [Caitlin sighs as Jude, Wyatt, and Nikki walk up.] Caitlin: "Boobs are one thing I don't have a whole lot of." Nikki: "Don't listen to Jonesy, Caitlin, brains are one thing he doesn't have a whole lot of." Caitlin: "But–Sawyer–" Nikki: "If Sawyer likes girls with big cans, that's his problem, not yours." [Caitlin gets an idea and grabs the magazine back from Jonesy.] Jonesy: "Hey!" [Caitlin shuts down the Big Squeeze.] Caitlin: "C'mon!" Nikki: "Where we going?" Caitlin: "To get me some boobs!" [Jude and Wyatt spit out their drinks in shock.] Jude, Wyatt, and Jonesy: [excited] "Can we come?" Nikki: "Sit." [Caitlin pulls her away.] "Whoa!" ''[The guys retake their seats. Jude examines his food.]'' Jude: "Boobs are like fries. Never met one I didn't like." Wyatt: "Hey, where's my drink?" Jonesy: "Yeah, mine was here too!" Jude: "What'd they look like?" Jonesy: "I don't know! It was a soda can!" [Jude reaches under the table and brings up two soda cans.] Jonesy: "What's the big idea?" Jude: "I'm collecting cans." Wyatt: "For what?" Jude: "Shawn White is giving away a rad new aluminum deck to every kid that collects enough tin cans to make a new board." Wyatt: "So how many cans do you need?" Jude: "Two hundred." [Wyatt and Jonesy drain their drinks and hand the cans over.] Jonesy: "How many you got?" Jude: "Two."

[Nikki and Caitlin are buying lingerie.] Nikki: "Ugh. Bra shopping drives me crazy. Almost as crazy as you are for buying a new bra for Sawyer. You shouldn't change the way you look for some guy." Caitlin: "I'm not doing it for him, Nikki. I'm doing it for me. And I really need your opinion." Nikki: [rolling her eyes] "Fine." ''[What follows is a montage of Caitlin trying on bras. The first one has pointed tips.]'' Nikki: "Nah. Too pointy." [Next up is a very rounded one.] Nikki: "Too round." [A leather one with metal spikes sticking out of it.] Nikki: "Whoa! Scary." [A push-up bra.] Nikki: "I think that one's trying to kill you." [One with incredibly obvious breast enhancements.] Nikki: "Gah! Way too big!" [A while later, Nikki has fallen asleep in a corner.] Caitlin: "Perfect!" ''[Nikki awakens. Caitlin has chosen a bra and is jumping up and down in it. It is making a strange noise.]'' Nikki: "That sound–it's your bra!" Caitlin: "It's a water bra." Nikki: "Great, so when you're chasing after Sawyer, he'll hear you coming." [gesturing to the discarded bras] "Look at this stuff! It's ridiculous what women put themselves through." Emma: [outside, muffled] "Excuse me. May I have some help, please?" Nikki: "That sounds like–Jen's mom." [Caitlin and Nikki push the door open slightly and look out.] Nikki: "It is Jen's mom!" Emma: "Hi there. Could you help me find a good maternity bra?" Caitlin: "A maternity bra?" Saleswoman: "Oh, lovely! How far along are you?" Emma: "Almost five months." [Caitlin and Nikki close the door and stand inside the changing room stall.] Caitlin: "Jen's mom is–" Nikki: "–pregnant?"

[Nikki is pulling Caitlin through the mall.] Nikki: "C'mon!" ''[Caitlin finishes the can of soda she's drinking and tosses it away. Jude skates up and claims it.]'' Jude: "Nice, bra!" Caitlin: "You like it? Thanks, Jude!" Nikki: "I can hear your chest, Caitlin." Caitlin: "I don't care. I feel much more sure of myself." Nikki: "I don't feel sure of anything anymore. How could Jen's mom be pregnant?" Caitlin: "Maybe we misunderstood. She can't be having a baby, can she?" Nikki: "We're about to find out." [They walk up to the table.] Jonesy: [gleeful] "Well, hello, ladies! And I don't mean you girls, I mean 'the girls!'" ''[He gestures to his chest. Caitlin smiles, but Nikki stares at him angrily.]'' "What? Caitlin wanted her chest to get noticed, so I'm noticing." Nikki: "Okay, I'll deal with your idiocy later. Right now we have a question and we want an honest answer. Is Jen's mom pregnant?" Jonesy: "What? I didn't say anything, I swear!" Nikki: "So she is pregnant!" Caitlin: "But–how?" Jude: "Well, I think Jen's mom and Jonesy's dad must have 'done it.'" Nikki: "Ew!" Wyatt: "Ugh!" Caitlin: "Gross!" Jonesy: "Thanks, Jude!" Caitlin: "Why didn't Jen tell us?" Jonesy: "Because she doesn't know." Caitlin: "What?" Nikki: "What?" Jonesy: "The whole family's been sworn to secrecy. Jen's mom is waiting for the right time to tell her." Caitlin: "Since they're going for lunch, I guess today's the day." Nikki: "After what her little brothers did this morning, the timing couldn't be worse."

[Jen and her mother are eating at the Soft Rock Café.] Jen: "I can't stand them, Mom! Robbie and Diego drive me nuts!" Emma: "I know, sweetie, but, somet–" Jen: "They stuck peas up my nose while I was sleeping. Peas, Mom! And drew on my face with black marker! People think I need a wax! I hate having boys in the house! If there were any more boys in my life I think I would die." [Her mother looks away nervously.] "I'm sorry, I've been going on and on. Was there something you wanted to talk to me about?" Emma: "Um, ah–nother time, honey."

''[Caitlin is staring through binoculars. Jonesy is looking at her chest.]'' Caitlin: "I don't see Jen yet." Nikki: [angry] "If you don't stop staring at Caitlin's–binoculars, you're gonna have to deal with me." Jonesy: "I can't help it!" [entranced] "I'm booby-trapped." Caitlin: "I guess my bra was worth the forty-five bucks!" Jonesy: [shocked out of his trance] "What? You paid almost fifty bucks for a bra filled with water?" Caitlin: "Water bras look the most natural. Tons of girls have them." Jonesy: "Tons of girls, huh? Sounds like there's a pretty big market for boob enhancements. One that's just waiting to be filled." Nikki: "Great! So you want to make money off of girls' insecurities! Nice, Jonesy." Jonesy: "Hey, I wouldn't be me if I didn't at least try. It is my calling, nay, my civic duty, to provide more affordable breast enhancements to girls born with underdeveloped chests!" Nikki: "There's no such thing as underdeveloped chests! Just underdeveloped brains like yours!" Caitlin: [spying] "Sawyer is so cute!" Nikki: "Caitlin! You're supposed to be looking for Jen!" [Caitlin turns around, scanning for Jen.] Caitlin: "I found her! She looks good! And no mustache. Aw, they went shopping at Albatross & Finch! Lucky duck." Nikki: "Lemme see." [Caitlin hands over the binoculars.] "I don't think Jen's mom told her she's pregnant." Caitlin: "Maybe she's happy about it." Nikki: "Happy that she could be getting another brother?" Jen: [walking up to the stand] "Hey. You were so right, Cait. Retail therapy really works." Caitlin: "I told you!" Jen: "We went for lunch at the Soft Rock Café–though my mom didn't eat very much. In fact, she kinda looks like she's been putting on a bit of weight." [Nikki and Caitlin glance at each other.] "Then my mom bought me two super-cute tops from Huntington's and Albatross & Finch! It was so much fun having her all to myself!" Jude: "You mean you, your mom, and the ba–" Caitlin: [covering up] "A-and the best stores in the entire mall!" Jude: [hastily excusing himself] "Uh, I think I see an empty pop can! Later!" [He runs away from the table.] Jen: [getting hit with a lemon] "Ow!" [Diego and Robbie have arrived.] "What are your bratty brothers doing here?" Jonesy: "Don't know, don't care. If I sold fifteen water bras at twenty bucks apiece, I'd make two hundred and seventy-five bucks!" Wyatt: "Actually, you'd make three hundred." Jonesy: "Even better!" Robbie: [to Jen] "Your mom's driving us home. But first we're gonna laugh at the dumb lemonheaded girl." Caitlin: "Hey!" Nikki: [to Jonesy] "I think it's time you put your little brats–I mean, brothers–on a leash and take them for a walk." [Jonesy ignores his girlfriend, dreaming of profits instead.] Jen: [inhaling deeply] "I am not going to let them put me in a bad mood." Wyatt: "Good for you, Jen." [Robbie throws a lemon at him.] "Ow!" Jen: [annoyed] "Having stepbrothers stinks. Why do I have to be stuck with three?" Robbie: "Wait 'til your mom has the baby! Then there'll be f–" [Nikki clamps her hand over Robbie's mouth, but the damage has been done.] Jude: [walking back to the table] "I just scored five more cans, which means now I've got–" [thinking] "Seventeen!" Jen: "My mom–is having–a baby?!?" [A woman walks past carrying her crying newborn, and Jen bursts into tears.]

[Emma is trying to comfort her still-crying daughter.] Caitlin: "A double-double lemon whip, stat!" [She gets to work.] Emma: "I'm so sorry I didn't tell you about the baby sooner, honey. I was gonna tell you today at lunch, but the timing just didn't seem quite right. You've always been the baby of our family, and I thought you might be, well, upset." Jen: "Can you believe this?" Caitlin: "I know it's a shock." Jude: "I was pretty surprised when I heard too, bra." [Nikki sharply elbows him.] "Ow!" Jen: "You mean–you already knew?!?" Nikki: "Afraid so." Wyatt: "Yep." Caitlin: "Mmm-hmm." Jen: "Unbelievable! I thought you just gained a bit of weight! How did this happen?" Jude: "Well, I think your mom and Jonesy's dad–" [Wyatt kicks him and Nikki elbows him.] "O-o-o-ow!" Jen: "How could you be so irresponsible as to mix our DNA with the Garcias'!" [scared] "And what if it's–a boy!" Emma: "I have an ultrasound tomorrow, so we'll find out very shortly." Jen: "This is going to be the longest day of my life!" ''[Emma looks up and sees two little girls crying. Robbie is holding a lemon and snickering.]'' Emma: [sighing] "I'm gonna take the boys home. When I come back, we can talk about whatever you want, sweetie." [Robbie throws a lemon at Caitlin, who catches it with one hand.] Wyatt: "Nice!" Caitlin: "I'm a pro with lemons. Don't worry, Jen. Having a new sibling won't be so bad." Jen: "How would you know? You're an only child!" Caitlin: "Which is how I know how lucky you are. I wish I had a baby brother or sister." Wyatt: "Yeah, look on the bright side. It could be a little sister." Jonesy: "No chance, dude. Boys run in the family. We're carrying on the Jonesmiester lineage!" [Nikki and Caitlin look at him angrily.] "What? I'm psyched for another little brother. Someone I can mold into a miniature version of me." Jen: "This can not be happening! I need to know if this baby is a girl or a boy now. I'll be back." [She leaves.] Jonesy: "Time to get the boob rolling." Nikki: "I hope for Jen's sake that her mother's having a girl. The 'Jonesmiester DNA' has replicated one too many times." Jonesy: "Hey, if it weren't for the Jonesmiester DNA, you wouldn't have such a great boyfriend." Nikki: "Yeah, a boyfriend about to market breast enhancements. I forget how lucky I am." Jonesy: "Good thing I'm here to remind you. Wanna help? I gotta go bra shopping, and since you are a girl..." Nikki: "Thanks for noticing. However, I want nothing to do with your booby-brained scheme. Besides, I've had enough bra shopping for one day." Wyatt: "Bras? I'll help!" [Nikki looks at him oddly.] "Wait. That didn't come out right." Jude: [rising] "Gotta go find me some more cans." [He snickers at the unintentional entendre.] "Tin cans." [The guys laugh at Jude's joke.] Nikki: "I give up."

[Jonesy and Wyatt are looking at bras.] Jonesy: [whispering] "Make sure you pick extra-large bras with pockets." Wyatt: "Pockets?" Jonesy: "For the water balloons!"

[Jonesy tries on a bra with very pointy tips.] Wyatt: "Too pointy." [A very rounded one.] Wyatt: "Too round." [A leather one with spikes.] Wyatt: "Whoa, scary!" Jonesy: [in a push-up bra] "Eegh! Uh! Help! A little help? Get this off!"

[Jonesy finally stuffs two water balloons into a bra.] Jonesy: "Perfect." Wyatt: "Perfect!" Jonesy: "Now should I do the peach islet, or the pink lace?" Wyatt: "I sort of like the mauve." Jonesy: "The mauve is quite nice."

''[The girls are gathered around the table with Emma. A huge pile of books is on the table.]'' Jen: "Okay. We're going to find out if the baby is a boy or a girl now. I'm gonna ask you a few questions, Mom. Please answer as accurately as possible. Hold out your hand." Emma: [holding her hand out palm-down] "Like this?" Jen: "NO! Holding your hand out palm-down means it's a boy!" [looking at her mother's left eye] "If I see a vein that looks like a V, you're having a girl." Emma: "Oh! Careful honey!" Jen: "Please see a V, please see a V–yes! There's a V! It's a girl! Woo!" [Caitlin makes a note on a notepad.] "Now, do you crave salty foods or sweet?" Emma: "Salty." Jen: "What color is your pee? Dull yellow or bright yellow?" Emma: "I'm...not sure."

''[Emma is using a toilet while Jen waits outside the stall. She finishes up, and Jen rushes in to check.]'' Jen: "Yes! Definitely bright yellow! Score another one for a girl!"

''[Jude slinks through the mall, picking up discarded cans and those simply set down. Those still with soda in them, he drinks. Eventually, he starts checking trashcans.]'' Skater: [skating by with a backpack full of cans] "Shawn White rules!" Jude: "You know it, bro!" [He sees his trashcan is empty.] "Aw, man."

[Julie is serving a customer.] Julie: "Care for some extra super-spicy salsa with that?" [The light glints off of her braces.] Skater: [skating by] "Look, it's metalmouth!" Jude: "Metalmouth. Hmm." [He looks more closely at Julie's braces.] Julie: "Step off, skater boy, my braces aren't for sale! Ugh, you're the sixth skater who's asked so far." Jude: "But I need aluminum for my board, bra. Think you can hook me up?" Julie: "Huh. Depends. What're you gonna do for me, huh?" Jude: "Um. I...have...to...go...uh...now!" [He takes off, and Julie chuckles.] Julie: "He'll be back. They all come back."

[Jen is still quizzing her mother.] Jen: "Okay. Which direction does your pillow face, north or south?" [Jude sets down a box of cans.] Emma: "South." Jude: "Whatcha doin'?" Jen: "Ugh! I'm trying to figure out if my mom is having a boy or a girl." Nikki: "The only thing that's gonna tell us is that you've gone completely nutters." [Jonesy and Wyatt walk up with a bunch of bras and a bunch of water balloons and start stuffing the bras.] Jen: [when a balloon pops] "Jonesy!" Jonesy: "Jude, will you fill me another water balloon?" Jude: "I will for your tin cans." ''[Jude fills a balloon from a water bottle and tosses it to Jonesy. Jonesy fits it into the bras while Jude steals his and Wyatt's cans.]'' Wyatt: "Hey, I wasn't done yet!" Jonesy: [holding up a bra] "Perfect!" [Jen's mom gapes.] Jen: "See? This is what Garcia boys do!" Jonesy: "What? I'm making an honest living here!" Nikki: "Define honest." Caitlin: [gasping] "Here comes Sawyer!" [thrusting her chest out] "Hi Sawyer." [Sawyer ignores her and moves on.] Caitlin: "He didn't even look at my new bra!" Jen: "Caitlin! You're beautiful and perfect just the way you are! Why would you even want some guy ogling your bra?" Jonesy: "That's why you need my patented 'Jonesmiester's Jugs.'" [A balloon pops.] Caitlin: "Hmm..." Jen: "No one ever listens to me." Jonesy: "Did you say something?" [Jen growls.]

[The next day, Jen slowly walks up to the Big Squeeze, which is surrounded with boxes of soda cans.] Caitlin: "So? How'd it go last night?" Jen: "Thirty-one points for a boy, thirty for a girl. I guess I'll just have to wait for the ultrasound." [looking around] "Wow, Jude, you sure have collected a lot of cans." Jude: "Went down to the university dorm last night. They go through a lot of cans there, bra." Jen: "Well, I've gotta get to work. Later." [She leaves.]

''[Jonesy sets up a stand in a mall corridor and starts to try and sell his bras, even going so far as to model them himself. He doesn't have much success at first, as old people are offended by his display, guys think it's dorky, and his friends are offended by his stupidity. After a while, though, he manages to sell three bras to two girls that he bags up for them.]''

[Caitlin is despondently standing inside the Big Squeeze.] Jonesy: "So are you ready to try my water bra?" [Two girls walk by wearing Jonesy's bras.] Jonesy: [waving at them] "More satisfied customers." Caitlin: [taking the bra] "Sawyer had better notice me this time!" Jonesy: "Trust me, he will. You'll knock him dead."

[Jude is working to get a can from another person.] Jude: "Pretend I'm not even here, dude." ''[The man gives Jude his can and backs away. Caitlin comes by with extremely huge gazoongas.]'' Caitlin: "Hi Sawyer!" Sawyer: [nervous] "Um, hi. Have we met? 'Cause I would have remembered." Caitlin: "I'm Caitlin." Sawyer: "It's nice to meet you Caitlin. I like your breast–I mean your chest–um, I-I mean your dress." Caitlin: "It's actually a skirt and top." Sawyer: "So, would you like to–" [A stream of water hits him in the eye.] "Aah, my eye!" ''[One of Caitlin's balloons has sprung a leak. She tries to cover it, and other leaks appear, soaking Sawyer.]'' Jonesy: [walking through the mall] "Seeing all the girls in my bras, I feel like a proud papa." [He sees Caitlin.] Caitlin: "Sorry!" Jonesy: "Oh no! I must have filled the left balloon with too much water!" Caitlin: "AAAAHH!" Sawyer: "Grablegrablegrable–" Jonesy: [running towards them] "AAAAAAAAAA–" Caitlin: "AAAAAAAAA–" Sawyer: "Grablegrablegrable–" Jonesy: "AAAAAAAA–" Caitlin: "AAAAAAAAAAAA–" [Jonesy clamps his hand over her breast.] "Jonesy!" Jonesy: "What? I'm just trying to stem the tide!" Sawyer: "So–I'm assuming that those aren't real." [He walks away.] Caitlin: "Wow! You really are shallow as a puddle!" Glutes Girl: "Hey you! Jonesy's Jugs guy!" Jonesy: "Hey, ladies!" Caitlin: "Uh, Jonesy?" Jonesy: "Oops. Sorry." [He takes his hand off her chest, and Caitlin leaves.] Glutes Girl: "We demand a refund!" Jonesy: "Sorry, but Jonesy's Jugs don't come with a no-leak guarantee." Fine Girl: "Get him, girls!" Girl: [offscreen] "There he is! Let's get him!" Purple Dress Girl: [offscreen] "Loser!" [Balloons pelt Jonesy from all sides, and he falls to the ground.] Jonesy: "I deserved that."

''[The gang are gathered around the table. Jude has gotten his new skateboard.]'' Jonesy: "Pretty sweet board, dude." Jude: "I got my awesome new deck, and no trees were harmed in its making." Wyatt: "Can I take it for a spin?" Jude: [uncomfortable] "Um, gee, I uh-uh...no." [Sawyer walks past the table, not even glancing at Caitlin.] Caitlin: "I can't believe I lost my chance with Sawyer." Jonesy: "That idiot? Any dude who picks his girlfriend by her chest size is a total lightweight." Nikki: "What about your quest to help the flat-chested?" Jonesy: "Hey, I like boobs as much as the next guy. Probably even more. But size doesn't matter. It's not how I pick my girlfriend." Nikki: "Gee, thanks. Since when did you become such a softie." Jen: "Probably since Jonesy found out he's getting a little sis-ter! Yes!" Caitlin: "I'm so happy for you!" Nikki: "Me too, Jen." Jude: "Awesome!" Wyatt: "Nice." Jonesy: "Hey, I can still teach a little sister how to throw, right?" Girl: [offscreen] "There he is! Let's get him!" [Jonesy is pelted with water balloons.] Girls: "We want our money back! We want our money back!" Jonesy: [soaked] "I'll take that as a 'yes.'"