Bicker Me Not/Script

[Jonesy is advertising bathtubs.] Jonesy: "Does your back pop when you bend? Is the floor too far away to sit on? Are you really old? Try our incredible upright stand-n-soak tubs! All of the water, none of the bending." [George and Gracie Bickerson walk in.] Gracie: "Look, George, here's that tub I was telling you about!" George: "Tub? Why not call it what it really is, a death trap?" Jonesy: "Thanks to the safety-release door, you may prune, but you'll never drown." George: "Forget it, Gracie, I'm not getting into that crockpot." Gracie: "But you'll loofah your wrinkled behind in Grandma's rusty old pickling vat?" George: "It's vintage!" Gracie: "So are you!" Jonesy: "Let's try and stay on track. Some of us are working on commission!" Gracie: "Fine! We'll get a–" [derogatory] "–claw-foot tub!" George: "Furniture with feet is unnatural." Gracie: "Says the man with twelve toes." George: "I need them for balance. I never get any support from you!" Gracie: "Make some sense. Then you'll get my support!" Jonesy: "So you made a terrible mistake getting married all those years ago. We get it. Why not soak your problems away in your very own stand-n-soak tub?" Gracie: "The kid's got a point." [Jonesy smiles.] "We are just not right for each other." Jonesy: "What? No, I–" George: "Fifty years together...what were we thinking?" Jonesy: "Whoa, I didn't mean–" Gracie: "I'm sorry, George." George: "So am I, Gracie. Goodbye." [The elderly ex-couple go their separate ways.] Jonesy: "Wait! Come back! Does this mean you don't want the tub?"

''The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is Bicker Me Not''

[The friends are walking through the mall.] Jen: "Let me get this straight. You broke up a fifty-year marriage in your rush to sell a bathtub?" Jonesy: "It would have been a sweet commission!" Caitlin: "What fifty-year marriage?" Wyatt: "George and Gracie. AKA the Bickersons." Nikki: "Jonesy! They're really old! How could you?" Caitlin: "It's hard enough dating when you're sixteen. Imagine how hard it'll be for them." Nikki: "Fix it with George and Gracie, or I'm not speaking to you." Jonesy: "But Nikki–" [Nikki holds up her hand, silencing him.] "Ugh!" Jude: "My grandparents got married fifty years ago. Never did meet them, on account of the fact they were political rebels who went into hiding." Wyatt: "They must be as old as the Bickersons by now." Jude: [getting an idea] "Gracie does have straight hair. Like moi! And George totally walks like me! Check it!" [Jude demonstrates how alike their walks are.] Wyatt: "Yeah, wow, just like George." Nikki: "And every other human." Jude: "Dudes! What if George and Gracie are my grandparents? If they break up, I might never be born!" Jen: "What? No, Jude, it doesn't work like that. See–" Jude: "A Judeless world? That makes no sense." Jen: "Neither does this! Even if they are your grandparents, it doesn't mean they–" Jude: "Dudes, I need to be born!" [He slumps onto the floor.] Jen: "Okay, I give up."

''[Jen and Caitlin walk up to the Big Squeeze. Caitlin pops it open and sees a gymbag sitting there.]'' Caitlin: "Ooh, nice gymbag! Russian Leore?" [checking the name] "Who's Kevin?" Jen: "He's probably the other guy who works here." Caitlin: "He's obviously in shape. Plus he's got great taste!" Jen: "I can't believe you've worked here all this time and you've never met your coworker." Caitlin: "It's so romantic! We're like two lemons who pass through the night! I bet Kevin's pretty handsome. Ooh, or even better, handsome pretty." [She sighs.] "Maybe I'll write him a little note to say hello from the other side of the lemon shift." Jen: "Careful, you're flirting blind." Caitlin: "Please. With this bag, I've seen everything I need to see." Jen: "I better get to work."

[Caitlin finishes her note and tucks it into the bag.] Gracie: "One lemonade, please, dear." Caitlin: "Coming right up!" Gracie: "This will be my first lemonade in fifty years." [Caitlin puts the drink down.] "George hates the smell of citrus." Caitlin: "I don't mean to pry, but I heard what happened. How are you?" Gracie: "Mostly, I'm wondering where it all went wrong." [She takes a sip and sighs.] Caitlin: "You know what you need? A makeover!" Gracie: "Honey, I'm seventy-six. There isn't enough rouge in the world to fix this mug." Caitlin: "Makeup has healing powers. Whenever I feel crabby, I buy new lip gloss, and it cheers me right up." Gracie: [sighing] "I guess things can't get any worse." Caitlin: "Yay! A makeover!" ''[Caitlin goes to work on Gracie Bickerson. After a bit, she stops.]'' Caitlin: "Um, one more coat." [Caitlin applies another coat of everything and then hands Gracie a mirror.] Caitlin: "Okay. You're done." Gracie: "I–I don't believe it. I don't look a day over sixty-five!" Caitlin: "You know what would go well with your new face? A new outfit!" Gracie: "I wouldn't know where to begin." Caitlin: "Luckily I do!" [She shuts down the Big Squeeze.]

[Jude and Wyatt see George talking with his friends outside a store.] Jude: "Whoa! There's my granddad!" Wyatt: "You mean your could-be granddad?" Jude: "I bet we even talk the same!" Wyatt: "You mean, English?" George: [to his friends] "It feels good to be rid of the old ball-and-chain. Now I can get back to what I was doing before Gracie came along, and ruined my whole stinkin' life!" Jude: "Dude's happy without the missus." [scared] "This could mean the world will soon be...Judeless!" [Wyatt rolls his eyes.]

[Caitlin and Gracie walk into the Khaki Barn and greet Jen and Nikki.] Caitlin: "Hey guys. This is Gracie. And she needs our help getting back into the dating scene." Nikki: "This is a terrible idea, Caitlin." Caitlin: "We're just hippifying her wardrobe." Nikki: "First of all, hippifying? Not a word. Second of all, since when do we want Gracie back on the dating scene?" Caitlin: "Gracie deserves to join the 20th century!" Nikki: "You mean the 21st century." Caitlin: "No, I mean the 20th century! That's how far behind she is..." Nikki: "Fine. I'll see what I can pull together. Toot toot, trainwreck, all aboard!"

[George has gotten work as an usher at the Gigantoplex.] George: "Ol' George is back in the game again! Being an usher was my first job, right here in this very mall. 'Course, the view only had one screen back then. Ha! Piece of crap! Gracie made me quit because she didn't think it was a real job! Good thing I finally tossed that old bat to the curb." [George's friends hi-five each other and then grab their backs in pain.] Jude: "George got his first job at the mall. Me too. Must be genetic."

[Gracie exits a changing room wearing the same outfit as the Clones.] Gracie: "How do I look?" Jen: "Wow! You look better than me in those capris!" Caitlin: "It's true." Jen: [angry] "Hey, I was just being nice. No need to jump in so quickly." Gracie: "I suppose I do look pretty good for an old bird." [The Clones walk up to the changing rooms, see Gracie, and gasp.] Chrissy: "Who knew old people could look so cute? You're going to open up a whole new Khaki market! You're hired!" Gracie: "Okay!" Nikki: "Come again?" The Clones: "EEEEEE!" Gracie: "EEE–ooh, oh, my back." Chrissy: "Poor Gracie! Here, sit down." Nikki: "Hopping, eeeing, where's the bickering and complaining?" Jen: "Maybe Gracie's happy." Nikki: "Well she's not acting like herself." Gracie: "What's it to you, girlfriend?" Kirsten: "Nice use of the lingo, Gracie!" Nikki: "You want to succumb to peer pressure, be my guest." Gracie: "This from a girl who doesn't even know where to put an earring." Nikki: "It's called a nosering." Gracie: "It's called a staph infection." Nikki: "You're not my mother." Gracie: "Thank heaven for small mercies." Nikki: "Ugh!" Gracie: "Wow, I feel better now! Thanks." Caitlin: "Seems like she's back to her old self."

[George is playing games at the arcade with his friend.] George: "He shoots, he scores! In your face, Edgar. This is the life." [checking his watch] "It's nine o'clock already? I haven't been up this late since Armstrong landed on the moon! Heh. And that was over by six!" [George and his friends leave, passing Wyatt, who is also playing a game.] Jude: "Dude." [He rolls out from under an air hockey table.] Wyatt: "Oh, hey Jude. How goes the grandparent stalking?" Jude: "George watched the moon landing, dude. And I love space! It all fits. George and Gracie are my grandparents. Which means–" Wyatt: "Your very existence is in jeopardy?" Jude: "Can you still see me, bro?" [Wyatt nods.] "How about now?" Wyatt: "No, because I'm leaving." [He walks away.]

[Jen meets up with Caitlin at the Big Squeeze.] Jen: "Hey. Did you get a reply from your mysterious coworker yet?" Caitlin: "Just a blank sheet of paper. Come to think of it, I find a lot of blank sheets lying around." Jen: "Maybe Kevin didn't see your note." Caitlin: "I'll write another one." [She reaches for a pen and knocks over the lemonade.] "No!" [Writing appears on the blank sheet of paper.] "No way! This is a note! Kevin's been writing notes all this time, but he's used invisible ink!" Jen: "For your eyes only. Nice." Caitlin: "EEEE!" [reading] "Dear Mysterious Co-Worker, I've been waiting so long for you to contact me. Tell me about yourself. I must know everything." Jen: "Ooh look! There's a questionaire! Allow me? I'm a huge fan of..." Caitlin: "Mall-wide sales." Jen: "I'm really against..." Caitlin: "Matching plaids and paisleys." Jen: "I'm really afraid of..." Caitlin: "Socks and sandals. Kevin's getting to know the real me!"

[Jude skates up to Jonesy, who is lounging in a tub.] Jude: "Dude, you gotta help me!" Jonesy: "Once you go upright, you never get uptight." Jude: "Forget the tub, bro! You gotta get George and Gracie back together! Check it!" [He pokes a finger through a hole in his shirt.] "I'm already starting to disintegrate!" Jonesy: "I'll do it, but not because you're insane. I'll do it because Nikki still isn't talking to me. Which royally sucks." Bathtub Store Manager: "Jonesy! That's an eight thousand dollar tub!" Jonesy: "And worth every penny." Bathtub Store Manager: "What are you doing?!?" Jonesy: "Chillin'." Bathtub Store Manager: "You're fired!" Jonesy: [to Jude] "Do me a solid, bro? I'm a little uh, underdressed." [Jude hands over his skateboard, and Jonesy uses it to cover himself as he runs through the store on the way to get his clothes.] Jude: "Whoa!"

[Jonesy is trying to convince George to go back to his life.] Jonesy: "Things were said, mistakes were made. Mostly by me. But we all know you belong with Gracie." George: "That harpy? Ha! Good riddance!" Jonesy: "Oh come on! You can't tell me you don't miss her!" George: "Forget it, son. It's falling on deaf ears." Jonesy: [loudly] "Even if you can't hear me, you can still talk to me!" George: "For the last time, I'm fine." ''[Gracie, Chrissy, and Kirsten walk by. George gapes as they pass him by.]'' George: "Whoa. Who's that hot tamale?" Jonesy: "Uh, that would be Gracie." George: "Gracie? My Gracie?" [George stares harder at the Clones, and especially at his wife.] Kirsten: "Why is that old man staring at us?" Gracie: "Ignore him. He's nobody." [George looks on as the three laugh at him.] George: "Oh–" [hanging his head] "–I'm not fine." Jonesy: "Poor you. The Jonesmiester will get the two of you back together if it's the last thing I do."

[Jude is nervously sitting at the table with Wyatt and Jen as Caitlin works.] Jude: "Where's Jonesy? I can already feel my stomach disappearing, dude!" [loudly, to Wyatt] "Can you still hear me when I make a sound?" ''[He waves his hand in front of Wyatt's face. Wyatt doesn't react.]'' "Didn't think so." ''[Caitlin gasps as Nikki walks up. Nikki looks frazzled.]'' Wyatt: "What happened to you?" Nikki: "Gracie! That woman is a bickering vampire. She keeps baiting into arguments and then sucking me dry. Potato chips are too crispy, music is too catchy, corks are too porous, ugh! I've never been so exhausted in my life!" Gracie: [offscreen] "That is so fetch, girlfriend." Nikki: "Oh no, here she comes." [Gracie walks up with Kirsten and Chrissy.] Caitlin: "Hey Gracie, looking good." Gracie: "Too bad I can't say the same about Nikki's hair!" Nikki: [annoyed] "Can't you just leave it alone? I'm on a break." Gracie: "When I was your age, we didn't take breaks!" Nikki: "Well, child labor laws have improved since the Industrial Revolution." Gracie: "What an attitude on this one! Huh, no wonder her boyfriend left." [She and her friends titter.] Nikki: "He didn't leave, we're just–not talking!" Gracie: "Ah, same diff." Nikki: "AAH!" [She slams her head on the table.] Jen: "You must miss George terribly." Gracie: "No way. Now that I've got Nikki, George is out of sight, out of mind! C'mon, girls, we need to find us some more hotties!" ''[Gracie, Chrissy, and Kirsten walk off. As they leave, Gracie's words echo in Jude's head.]'' Memory Gracie: "Out of sight, out of mind. Out of sight, out of mind." Jude: "AAAAHH!" ''[Jude thunks his head onto the table. Wyatt looks between Nikki and Jude, the former of which has begun to sob, and calmly sips his soda.]''

[Caitlin is reading another note from Kevin.] Caitlin: "Thank you for your last note, Mysterious Coworker." Jen: "Why don't you tell Kevin your name? So he doesn't have to keep calling you Mysterious Coworker?" Caitlin: "I thought it was more romantic this way. Oh, I'm too nervous, I can't! You read." Jen: [reading] "To answer yer question, ahm originally from Texas, but ah spent most of my childhood in-a Sicily. I cannot-a wait to meet you." Caitlin: [excited] "Me neither!" ''[Wyatt and Nikki walk up. Nikki is using Wyatt as a human shield.]'' Jen: "Gracie's not here, you're safe." Nikki: "Yeah, yeah but for how long? Answer me that." [She hides under the table.] Caitlin: "You guys, Kevin is so incredible!" Wyatt: "So you've finally met your mystery lemon man?" Caitlin: "Not yet. But his letters are amazing!" [She gasps.] "This is my first ever long-distance relationship! I've finally found my soulmate!" Wyatt: "Caitlin, you're only sixteen." Caitlin: "I know! The clock was seriously starting to tick! Kev and I have so much in common. We both love working out and great bags!" Wyatt: "Before you start making wedding arrangements, maybe you two should meet." Caitlin: "Already on it!" ''[She starts to write a note. Jonesy walks up.]'' Jonesy: "Yo. Anyone seen Nikki?" ''[Wyatt, Caitlin, and Jen point underneath the table. Jonesy ducks under it.]'' Nikki: "AAH!" Jonesy: "Great news. I convinced George to go back to Gracie. You can start talking to me now. I suggest opening with a heartfelt apology." Nikki: "Uuh." Jonesy: "Doesn't sound like an apology to me." Wyatt: "Gracie was ready to go back to George, until she bonded with Nikki." Jen: "Now Nikki's her substitute George!" Jonesy: "Nikki, they're really old! How could you?" Nikki: [paranoid] "I think I hear Gracie coming. Stop pointing out my flaws!" [covering her ears] "I can't hear you, I can't hear you, I'm not listening, I'm not listening!" Jonesy: "Nikki's really starting to lose it. Man, I've got to get the Bickersons back together ASAP before we lose Nikki for good!" Jen: "Okay. Meeting in the atrium in ten minutes. Sharp."

''[Ten minutes later, the friends have all gathered by the fountain. Strangely enough, Jude is wearing sandals.]'' Jen: "I've gathered you all here because certain unfortunate events have put Nikki in a difficult position." Wyatt: "Events like Jonesy breaking up George and Gracie?" Jonesy: "Now is not the time to point fingers! Not when Nikki's on the verge of complete crackage!" Jen: "Jonesy's right. We need to focus on getting Gracie and George back together! Caitlin, I'll put you in charge of atmosphere." Caitlin: [saluting] "I won't let you down." Jude: "Dudes, I can almost see through my shoes!" Wyatt: "Jude, you're wearing flip-flops." Jen: "Now that you're almost 'invisible', Jude, I've got the perfect job for you."

[George is mopping the floors at work.] George: "Oh, Gracie. If only this floor was your face, I'd buff it so clean you could eat right off it." Jude: [peeking out from behind some trashcans] "This is a job for the invisible dude." [Jude walks across the floor to George and holds a note in front of his face.] George: [reading] "Dear Georgie–" [He gasps.] "Only Gracie calls me Georgie!"

''[Caitlin is standing by the fountain. She picks up her phone and makes a call.]'' Caitlin: "Where's Kevin? I told him to meet me at the fountain at break time." Jen: "Whose break time? He's not even working today." Caitlin: "Rats! I have to go write Kevin another note now."

''[Jude is hiding behind some bushes beside the Khaki Barn. He creeps out and tiptoes into the store.]'' Gracie: [folding sweaters] "And when it comes to parsley, I mean, what's the point?" Nikki: "When it comes to bickering, what's the point?" Gracie: "It's called having a discussion! Or am I going over your head?" Nikki: "Ugh!" ''[Jude taps Gracie on the shoulder. Gracie looks in the indicated direction, and Jude slips a piece of paper into her hand from the other side.]'' Gracie: "What's this?" [reading] "Dear Gracie–" [She gasps.] "George never calls me dear! I have a secret admirer! And he wants to take me out for dinner! Ooh-hoo, I'd better get ready!" [She walks away.] Nikki: [looking up] "Please let this work."

''[Caitlin has set up a table in the food court with a tablecloth and candle. Wyatt is strumming his guitar.]'' Jen: "Wow, Caitlin. Way to set a table!" Caitlin: "It was inspired by love. Speaking of which, I'm off to meet Kevin. For real this time." [She leaves.] ''[Gracie walks into the food court. Jonesy spies her and walks over.]'' Jonesy: "Hello, my name is Jonesy and I'll be your waiter this evening." [He snaps his fingers.] Wyatt: [singing] "Romance is on the breeze/When lovers taunt and tease–" Gracie: "Oh, how lovely! I'm totally psyched!" [Jonesy shows her to her chair.] George: "Gracie?" ''[Jen is pushing him forward. He has a bouquet of flowers in his hand.]'' Gracie: "I came for dinner with my secret admirer, not some lameo!" George: "Make fun of the old man, is that it?" [He angrily throws the flowers down.] Jonesy: [nervous] "Uh, Wyatt?" Wyatt: "When lovers reunite–and they should–the evening skies alight–"

[Caitlin is sitting by the fountain, alone.] Caitlin: "Huh." [She makes a call.] Jen: "Yo, what's up?" Caitlin: "Okay. This time Kevin's definitely standing me up." Jen: "What'd you say in your note?" Caitlin: "Meet me at the fountain at seven." Jen: "A.M. or P.M.?" Caitlin: "Nuts!"

[George and Gracie are still fighting.] Jonesy: "I beg you, have a seat!" Gracie: "I'm not sitting anywhere near that crumb-bum." George: "She can fall down a well for all I care!" Gracie: "He's the reason antidepressants were invented!" George: "Her morning breath's the reason gas masks were invented!" Nikki: [walking up] "Great. Ruining things the first time wasn't enough for you? Thought you'd go for round two?" Jonesy: "I'm trying to get them back together!" Nikki: "And how's that working for you?" George: "You make my skin crawl like I'm wearing a wool sweater!" Gracie: "What did wool ever do to deserve you?" Jonesy: "You always undermine everything I do!" Nikki: "Not everything. Just the stupid stuff." Jen: "It's like they're the same couple, fifty years apart!" [Jude skates up.] Jude: "Are they back together yet?" Wyatt: "Uh, not quite." Jude: "I can totally see through my fingers!" [He spreads them so he can look through them.] Gracie: "You make every day a misery!" George: "At least I'm consistent!" Jonesy: "It would be nice if you were my cheerleader for once!" Nikki: "Forget it! You're not getting me into a short skirt!" Gracie: "I guess you're stuck with me, then!" George: "No, you're stuck with me! Ha!" [The Bickersons faces soften, and they hug.] Nikki: "Yeah, and another thing, the–" Jonesy: "Wait. Did they just–Nikki! The Bickersons made up!" Nikki: "They did?" [She watches them walk away.] Gracie: "Pick up your feet, you're scuffing your shoes!" George: "They're my shoes, I'll scuff 'em if I wanna!" Jonesy: "They're totally back together!" [He and Nikki kiss and hold each other close.] Wyatt and Jen: "Awww." [Jude hits himself in the face with his skateboard.] Jude: "Ow!" [happy] "Totally solid. I exist!"

''[The friends are sitting by the Big Squeeze. At a nearby table, George and Gracie are sitting together. A redheaded teenager carrying a lemon hat walks towards the Big Squeeze. Caitlin looks up.]'' Kevin: [surprised] "Oh!" Caitlin: "Kevin? It's me! Your mysterious coworker Caitlin! Are you as excited as I am?" Kevin: "Well–uh–I really love your top. So cute." Caitlin: "I was gonna say the same thing about your outfit!" [They match their hats.] "It's like you're the other half of my lemon!" Kevin: "From your letters, I just thought you were more–guyish?" Caitlin: "Like a tomboy?" Kevin: "No, like a guy. Your letters were so butch." Jen: "Caitlin? Butch?" Jonesy: "Caitlin? A guy?" Caitlin: "Surely we can work through our differences. You haven't even had a chance to fall in love with me yet!" Kevin: "Sorry, I think we're looking for the same thing." Caitlin: "I know, isn't that–" Kevin: "Bye." [He leaves.] Caitlin: "Guys! Help me convince Kevin we're meant for each other!" Jen: "Well..." Wyatt: "Uh..." Jonesy: "You see..." Gracie: "Oh, get with it, girlfriend! Kevin plays for the other team!" Caitlin: "What?" [catching on] "Ohhhhhh!" Gracie: "Don't waste the pretty, like I did." George: "Can't waste what you didn't have in the first place." Gracie: "I really missed you, Georgie-Porgie." [She kisses him.] George: "Right back at ya, Gracie-Spacey-Big-Fat-Facey!" Gracie: "Had to go and ruin it!" George: "I just call 'em like I see 'em!" [They walk off.] Jonesy: "You think we'll ever be like that?" Nikki: "If we're lucky, Jonesy-Wonesy."