Losing Your Lemon/Script

[A fish is swimming around in an aquarium.] Blue Fish: "What a fine day here on the reef. It sure would rock to have a finned friend to frolic with." [A red fish swims up to the blue fish.] Red Fish: "Hi small, blue, and scaly. Do you cruise here often?" Blue Fish: "Well I will now that I'm digging your dorsal." Large Orange-and-Black Fish: "You two do not belong here! You must leave this place!" Blue Fish: "It is the evil warlord, the destroyer of mellowness!" Large Orange-and-Black Fish: "I am not evil warlord!" [The camera zooms out to reveal Hiro talking.] Hiro: "I am owner! If you do not buy sushi, you do not play with fish tank! Now leave!" Crowd: [as Hiro pushes Jude and Starr towards the exit] "Aww! Boo! Boo! You suck! Red fish! Blue fish! Fish stay here!" Hiro: [reconsidering] "Okay, you can stay." [The crowd cheers.] "But from now on, I am benevolent emperor. Not evil warlord." [Jude and Starr hold each other's hands and smile at each other.]

''The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is Losing Your Lemon

[Caitlin is stirring up a new lemon drink at work for her friends.] Nikki: "Can we get on with this? I like being late for work to be my idea." Caitlin: "But Jen's not here! My news is too big for her to miss." Jonesy: "This better be good, 'cause I've got a whole mall of babes to scope." [Jen runs up panting.] Jen: [out of breath] "Sorry I'm late. Coach Halder–psycho–stopwatch–need lemon whip–stat." [Caitlin pours Jen a drink, and Jen sips it.] "Ahh." Caitlin: "Enjoy it, because it's my last one!" Jen: "Huh?" [Caitlin pulls out a credit card.] "Is that what I think it is?" Caitlin: "Yes! I got my credit card back!" [wiping a tear away] "I can shop again." Wyatt: "I thought your dad took your card away when you maxed it out." Caitlin: "He did. But as of yesterday's paycheck, I paid him back." Wyatt: "Wow. Good for you." Jen: "Are you sure going shopping with a credit card in your purse is such a good idea?" Caitlin: "Don't worry, I'm just gonna buy a little celebratory tank top and maybe a pair of flip-flops. No biggie." Jen, Jude, Wyatt, Nikki, and Jonesy: "Uh-oh." Caitlin: "Don't worry! I've learned my lesson." [Caitlin shuts down the stand, takes off her uniform, and leaves.] Jonesy: "Hey, where are you going?" Caitlin: "I'm leaving." Jen: "But who's gonna work the squeeze?" Caitlin: "Katie starts today. She's super nice. I don't think she knows about the hat yet." Jude: "Whoa, it's gonna be really weird not seeing you here all the time." Caitlin: "I'll still be at the mall, silly! I just won't be working here." Jen: [digesting this] "Okay. So, see you at lunch?" Caitlin: "Oh, I wish I could, but there's a totally secret sample sale on at Von Ditch. The lineup will take hours. Gotta run!" [She bolts.] Jen: [watching Caitlin go] "We might want to have a lit-tle chat with that girl." Nikki: "What if we just tie her up?"

[Jen is searching a long line of shoppers for Caitlin.] Jen: "We've got to find her. What if she doesn't listen to us?" Nikki: "Then we set her up with a month's worth of dates with Wayne." Jen: "Ew." [Nikki snickers.]

[Jude is visiting Jonesy at the info booth.] Jude: "Sweet new gig, Jonesy!" Jonesy: "This info booth is in a seriously high-traffic area. Given the law of averages, I should hook up with tons of chicks." Jude: "So you're cool with the whole single thing again? I mean, Nikki and you just–" Jonesy: "Please! Nikki was a phase! The Jonesmiester is too much guy to be dating one chick." Jude: "Yeah, but you two seemed so happy." Jonesy: "Jude, I'm a free agent again! What could make me more happy than that? I've got my pick of the babe litter!" Julie: [walking by] "Hey boys." Jonesy: "I mean, just look at you and freaky vegan chick." Jude: "Starr?" Jonesy: "Right. Whether you know it or not, she's got you on a short leash." Jude: "Does not." Jonesy: "Next thing you know, she'll be repainting your board to match her nails!" [Jude's phone rings.] Jude: [checking it] "I gotta go, Starr's waiting for me." Jonesy: [barking like a Chihuahua] "Roof! Roof roof roof! Come Jude! Good boy." Jude: "Bite me." [He drops his board and gets ready to leave.] Sporty Guy: "'Scuse me. Can you direct me to the Penalty Box?" Jonesy: [quiet, to Jude] "Wait. Watch this." [to the guy] "Go down this corridor. Take the stairs to the second floor. Do a full circuit of that level. Turn left, come down the stairs again, do a circuit counterclockwise, and it's the last store on your right. You can't miss it." [The guy walks off in the direction Jonesy indicated, confused.] "Remember to keep hydrated!" Jude: [pointing behind Jonesy] "Dude, the Penalty Box is right there." Jonesy: "Yeah, but it's so much more fun to make them work for it." Jude: [chuckling] "Sweet. Later, dude." [He skates off.] Jonesy: "But I thought we were gonna–" [crestfallen] "Hang out."

[Jen and Nikki are still looking for Caitlin.] Nikki: "There she is." Jen: "Caitlin!" [They go over to her.] Caitlin: [waving] "Hi guys! Aw, you've come to see me christen my credit card! That is so sweet!" Jen: "Are you sure you can handle this?" Nikki: "Last time you had plastic, it almost landed you in debtor's prison." Caitlin: [missing the point] "They abolished those ages ago." [after a beat] "I checked." Jen: "Caitlin, you could get into big trouble." Caitlin: [narrowing her eyes] "So that's why you came over here. I just spent a year wearing a lemon on my head to make up for the money I spent, remember? Give me a little credit!" Nikki: "Okay, okay. Maybe we were out of line." Jen: "Sorry. But promise me you'll only buy one thing here today?" Caitlin: "Okay. I promise." Jen: "Great. I have to go to work." Nikki: "Me too. See you guys at break." [Nikki and Jen leave.] Caitlin: "Right. Bye!" [to her credit card] "Now don't you let them upset you. They're just jealous." Tricia: "Caitlin." [Tricia is waving to her.] "There you are." Caitlin: "Who, me?" [She walks over.] Tricia: "C'mon. Just pretend you're with us." Caitlin: "But–" Tricia: "You remember Gwen, and Mandy." Caitlin: [unimpressed] "Yeah. Hi." Tricia: "So, word has it you quit your loser job at the Big Snooze." Caitlin: "Squeeze." Tricia: "Whatever. This is my favorite sale of the entire year. Check it out, Jeremy got us these coupons for an extra 25% off. Here." [She extends them to Caitlin.] Caitlin: "Um, I thought you hated me." Tricia: "Okay, maybe I've been a bit of a cow, but that doesn't mean we still can't be friends." Caitlin: "Okay. Friends." [She takes the coupons.] Tricia: "Great. And I have the skinny on three other secret sales today." Caitlin and Tricia: "EEEE!" Melinda Wilson: [unhooking a velvet rope] "Okay, two at a time." Tricia: "Time to get your shop on." Caitlin: "Okay, but I'm only buying one thing." Tricia: "Only one thing per store, right?" Caitlin: [recognizing the loophole] "Oh! Right!" [Tricia and Caitlin then proceed to go on a shopping spree that tears up the mall and wears down Caitlin's newly restored credit card.]

[Jen is at work and on the phone.] Jen: "Nikki, I feel so badly about not trusting Caitlin." Coach Halder: "All right!" [Jen hangs up.] "Masterson, is that a personal call?" Jen: "Uh, no." Coach Halder: "Then why are your sales so low today?" Jen: "Uh...it's a slow day?" Coach Halder: "Nonsense! The mall is hopping! Just look at those girls there. They look like shopping MVPs!" ''[The girls that Coach Halder is looking at are Caitlin and Tricia. Caitlin, feeling Jen's stare on her, ducks behind a pillar. Tricia walks on alone.]'' Coach Halder: "Huh? Well that's funny. I thought there were two of them." Jen: [growling] "Just wait till I get my hands on her!" [She walks out to get Caitlin.] Coach Halder: "That's the spirit, Masterson! Drag the customers in if you have to! Thattagirl!" [Jen walks up to the pillar.] Jen: "Excuse me. What are all those bags?" Caitlin: "Wait. Before you say anything, they're all really small and on sale. It only adds up to one big purchase." Jen: "That's it, you're cut off! You made me a promise!" [Caitlin backs up as Jen advances.] Caitlin: "Mmm-aaah, I promised I'd only buy one thing from that sale. I didn't say anything about the other stores." Jen: "Hand it over." [Caitlin nervously hands over her credit card.] "It's for your own good, Caitlin." [Jen goes back into the Penalty Box and locks the card in the cash register.] "There. That should hold you." ''[Caitlin spies on Jen from another pillar. When she sees where Jen hid the card, she smiles.]''

[The gang, with the exception of Caitlin, are gathered at Jonesy's new workplace.] Jen: "I'm worried about Caitlin." Nikki: "Me too. It's time for an intervention." Wyatt: "For what?" Jen: "For shopping! She's out of control with her credit card again!" Jude: "Um..." Jonesy: "No can do. We'd have to hand in our guy badges if we did that." Jen: "What are guy badges?" Wyatt: "Can't tell you, you're not a guy." Nikki: "Gee, it's such a drag we don't get to be guys." [Jen sighs, and she and Nikki walk away.] Jude: "Wyatt, can you cover for me at Underground? Starr and I have a sushi rendezvous." Wyatt: "Sure, anything for the lovebirds. Catch you guys later." [He leaves.] Jonesy: "You'd better watch your hours hanging with Starr. You just may lose your guy badge." Jude: "Whoa."

[The red fish and the blue fish are swimming around in the aquarium.] Blue Fish: "Thanks for such a rocking evening, princess. I sure had fun." Red Fish: "Me too, noble-peasant-boy-of-difficult-circumstances-that-are-like-totally-not-his-fault." [The fish are about to kiss when a voice interrupts them.] Large Orange-and-Black Fish: "Princess! That ruffian blue fish from wrong-side-of-reef is not good enough for you!" Blue Fish: "No! It's your stepfather, the evil emperor!" [The crowd boos.] Hiro: "No! I am benevolent emperor, as agreed earlier!"

[The five are walking towards the Big Squeeze.] Wyatt: "Okay, you buy the lemonades, and we'll listen to the intervention plan." Jen: "What the–" ''[The friends stop. There are seven new teenagers, including Tricia, at the table.]'' Wyatt: "What's wrong with this picture?" [The camera pans over the teenagers, who bear a striking resemblance to the gang.] Jude: "Whoa." Jonesy: "Why are people who are not us sitting at our table?" Wyatt: "Caitlin always saved our table! I can't believe this!" Jen: "Oh, no no no no no!" [She marches forward.] "Hi. I think there's been some kind of mistake, because this is our table." Tricia: "Really? Because I don't see your name on it." Jonesy: "Mine is. I carved it with a plastic spoon." [He points at the spot.] "It took weeks." Tricia: "How sad. We're still not moving. But I can fix this boo-boo for your little friend." [She takes out a marker and scrawls over Jonesy's name.] "There. Now it says Tricia. All fixed!" Jen: "Hey! That's public property!" Tricia: [tossing the marker to Jen's doppelgänger] "Everyone sign their name. Just until I can get nameplates made." [as the marker goes to Jude's doppelgänger] "Print it, Josh. I'm not sure these losers can read cursive." ''[Jude gasps. The marker goes to Wyatt's doppelgänger.]'' "Same deal, Wendell." ''[Wyatt blinks. Over to Nikki's doppelgänger.]'' "Nice and big, okay Vicki?" [Wickedly, Vicki screeches the marker against the table.] Jonesy: [ears in pain] "AAAAAAAHHH!" Tricia: "And...any way you want, Smithy." [Smithy lays his mark down.] "There. All done. Bye bye." Jen: [frustrated] "Look, you are leaving and that–" Katie: "Stop annoying my customers, or I'll call mall security." Jonesy: [pulling Jen away] "You don't need to do that." Tricia: "This is our table now. Pick another one or leave." Jonesy: [escorting Jen away] "Let's just take another table." [His friends follow.] Nikki: [to Katie] "Nice hat!" [She laughs.]

''[Inside the Penalty Box, Caitlin peeks over the counter. She keys a code into the cash register and gets it wrong. She tries again and is still wrong. A third attempt fails as well.]'' Coach Halder: "Can I help you, miss?" Caitlin: "YIPE! Oh, yes. One of your employees is keeping my credit card. Er, warm, for me. In here. And now I need it. She said she'd be right back, but I've been waiting, and waiting..." Coach Halder: "I apologize on behalf of that soon-to-be-ex employee." [He punches in the code and takes out Caitlin's credit card.] "Here you go." Caitlin: "Thanks! Oh, I'm sure she just forgot. Please say thanks for me." Jen: "Oh, you can thank me yourself." [Jen is right behind Caitlin.] "Hand it over." Caitlin: "WHAA!!!" ''[She makes a break for it. Jen tackles her friend, and the card slips free.]'' "Oh!" Jen: "Ow!" Caitlin: "Let go!" Jen: "Caitlin!" Caitlin: "I own it!" Jen: "No, it owns you!" [Caitlin reaches the card.] "No way!" ''[Jen yanks on Caitlin's hair. Caitlin rears up, and Jen snatches the card.]'' Coach Halder: "That's an illegal hold, Masterson. No hair-pulling." [Caitlin elbows Jen in the stomach and throws her off.] Caitlin: [leaping on Jen] "AAAHHH!" Coach Halder: "Nice maneuver!" Jen: "Caitlin!" [Caitlin, sitting on Jen's head, farts.] "Agh!" Coach Halder: "One! Two! Three! Pinned! Winner!" ''[He hauls Caitlin up. Caitlin has her card back.]'' "Nice." Caitlin: "Yes. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" [She runs off.] Coach Halder: [to Jen] "Ten minute penalty for wrestling with a customer! Plus two minutes for losing."

[Loud music blares from a mall speaker as the friends sit at a stained, dirty table.] Jonesy: "This sucks!" Wyatt: [raising his voice] "What, the Muzak, or the fact that we had to get crappy drinks from That's Just Grape?" Nikki: "Take your pick." ''[Jonesy leans on the table, and it tilts. Their drinks slide off of it and spatter on the floor. At the old table, their doppelgängers laugh.]''

[The five have moved to the fountain.] Jen: "The thing is that we are trying to help Caitlin help herself, and–" [Stanley shoots her.] "Ow!" Jonesy: [as Stanley runs away] "Beat it, you little creep, or I'll–" Ron: "Section 4:43. No loitering or terrorizing children. Now!" [He indicates they should leave.]

[Now the meeting spot is Underground Video.] Jen: "So first and foremost we need to let Caitlin know we care about her, and–" Wayne: "Sorry to interrupt. Everyone comfy?" Jen: "You bet." Jonesy: "I'm good." Nikki: "Well, I could use a pillow." Wayne: "Yeah? Would you like the same one I'm gonna suffocate Wyatt and Jude with when I fire them?" [Jude and Wyatt spittake, and the gang run out of the store.]

[Once again, the five have moved to the table underneath the speaker.] Jen: "Urgh! I can't think with all that racket!" Wyatt: "I'm gonna try and drown it out!" ''[Wyatt picks up his guitar and starts to play. Soon, though, he is distracted, as Wendell has done the same. They meet in the middle of the food court and have a guitar battle, which Wendell wins. Wyatt goes back.]'' Wyatt: "Okay. That was humiliating." Jen: "These people have got to go."

''[Jonesy is at work, bored. Jude rides up.]'' Jonesy: "Where have you been, Jude? You missed, like, twelve hot chicks." Jude: "Not interested, bro." Jonesy: "Oh, what, so you think Starr's 'The One' now?" Jude: "Could be." Jonesy: "Don't let her get to you, man! It only ends in pain. Trust me." [Jude sighs and skates away.] "There's more than one fish in the sea, you know! You have no idea what you're missing out on!"

[Nikki is working when she hears a raspy giggle.] Tricia: "Okay, that skirt is adorable." Caitlin: "Oh, I know, right?" Nikki: "Caitlin. Hi." Caitlin: "Oh, hi Nikki." [She hands a credit card to Kristen.] Kristen: "A credit card? Wasn't this rejected the last time you tried to use it here?" Caitlin: "Oh, it's fine now. There's lots of room on it." [Kristen tries it, and it works.] Nikki: "So, we missed you at break time. Where were you?" Tricia: [interjecting] "Oh, we had a few hardcore sales we just couldn't miss. Right, Cait?" Nikki: "Shut it, shoppy! I was talking to her." Caitlin: "Uh..." Tricia: "I'm outta here. Later, Cait." ''[Tricia leaves. Kristen hands Caitlin back her card.]'' Kristen: "Congrats! This card is clean!" Nikki: [grabbing it] "I'll take that." [She walks behind the counter.] Caitlin: "Hey!" Nikki: [to the clones] "Go." [They don't respond.] "Shoo!" ''[The clones scream and run out. Nikki runs Caitlin's card through again.]'' Caitlin: "What are you doing?" Nikki: "Reversing the charge." Caitlin: "What? Why?" Nikki: "'Cause you're returning this skirt." Caitlin: [panicked] "No I'm not! It's the last one!" Nikki: "Come on. We're taking a walk." Caitlin: "Can I have my card back now?" Nikki: "No."

[Caitlin is led to the info booth, where her real friends are waiting.] Caitlin: "What's going on? What is this?" [A man rings the bell to request service.] Jonesy: "Dude, can't you see we're having an intervention here?" Caitlin: [offended] "An intervention?" Jen: "Caitlin, your shopping is out of control!" Wyatt: "We're all worried about you." Caitlin: "Come on, guys, I'm fine." Nikki: "And guess who little miss 'I'm fine' was shopping with at the Khaki Barn? Tricia." [Wyatt gasps.] Jen: "Caitlin! What were you thinking?" Jude: "Yeah, she's like, your sworn enemy." Caitlin: "I don't know how it happened, okay? It all became a big blur after Trish got me that Albatross & Finch staff discount." Jonesy: "Yeah, and now that chick and her crew have hijacked our lemon!" Caitlin: "She what?!?" Jude: "They autographed the table and everything!" Man in line: [ringing the bell] "Excuse me?" Jonesy: [waving him off] "In a minute." Caitlin: "Oh, I can't believe this!" Jonesy: "Believe it, sister." Caitlin: "She never even mentioned it! Wow. I had no idea my shopping affected so many people." [determined] "But nobody pushes my tribe around and gets away with it. Let's go toss her out!" Wyatt: "We've tried." ''[Caitlin stops. She thinks for a moment and smiles.]'' Caitlin: "I've got a plan. How many minutes do you think you have left before you get fired?" Jonesy: "Well I haven't exactly been throwing myself into this gig. I'd say maybe twenty-five?" Old Lady: [fed up] "Am I ever going to get served?!?!?" Jonesy: "Make that fifteen." Caitlin: "Great. Stand by." [She leaves.]

[Katie is reading a magazine on the job when Caitlin comes by.] Caitlin: "Katie, you don't really like wearing that lemon hat, do you?" Katie: "Why do you ask?" Caitlin: "'Cause I can score you a job with a chair, a booth, and a raise." Katie: [intrigued] "And no hat?" Caitlin: "Totally hatless." Katie: [clapping] "I'm so there." ''[She takes off her hat and leaves the stand. Caitlin calls Jonesy.]'' Jonesy: "Hello?" Caitlin: "Katie's on her way, Jonesy." [She hangs up, pats the lemon, and sighs happily.]

''[Caitlin has retaken her job, and the gang have retaken their table. Tricia and the doppelgängers arrive.]'' Tricia: "Ew. What's with the hat? Your daddy cancel your cards again?" Caitlin: "No, I'm canceling them myself. I have some real friends who noticed I was out of control." Tricia: [sarcastic] "Oh, lucky you." Caitlin: "You and I are so over as friends. I am in charge of the Squeeze again, and you are gonna have to move your butt. And your friends' butts." Tricia: "We're not going anywhere." Jude: "Oh, yes you are, unless you want me to sit and stare at you all for the rest of your supposedly natural life." Tricia: "Oh yeah? You think you can out-vacant-stare us? You're on." [snapping her fingers] "Josh." ''[Josh sits down next to Jude. The staring contest begins.]'' Jude: "Trust me, dude, I can stare into space for a long, long time." Tricia: "You are so going down, board boy." Jude: "Whatever." Caitlin: [nervous] "Ooh..." Jude: "Whoever blinks first vamooses. Deal?" Josh: "Deal." Tricia: "Get him, Josh." ''[The two stare at each other. The staring gets more furious.]'' Nikki: "Come on." [Both boys start to fart repeatedly.] Tricia: "Eww." ''[The staring contest is going strong when a lemon hits Josh square in the center of his forehead. Tricia gasps.]'' Caitlin: "He blinked! Now get out!" Tricia: "He did not!" [Caitlin throws another lemon at the now-standing Josh, knocking him over.] Caitlin: "He did now." Tricia: "Cheater!" ''[Caitlin pelts her and the doppelgängers with lemons. They scream and flee.]'' Jonesy: "All right!" Wyatt: "That is some arm you've got there!" Jude: "I wish Starr was here to see that. She loves a good fruit beaning." Caitlin: "Where is she?" Jude: "I broke up with her." Jonesy, Nikki, Wyatt, Caitlin, and Jen: "WHAT?!" Jonesy: "Why did you do that?" Jude: "Because you told me to?" Jen, Caitlin, Nikki and Wyatt: "Jonesy!" Jonesy: "What no I didn't!" Jude: "You told me she would repaint my board, chain me up, humiliate me and break my heart." Jonesy: "I was kidding, Jude!" Caitlin: "Don't you care about Starr?" Jude: "Oh, yeah. She's like the rockingest chick I ever met!" Wyatt: "Starr is amazing! You're one of the luckiest guys around, Jude! Don't you get that?" Jude: [as it sinks in] "I do now, dude! Later!" [He runs off.] Jen: "Where are you going?" Nikki: "I bet I know where."

[The red fish is swimming around the fish tank, forlorn.] Red Fish: "I suppose it is better to have loved a blue fish not to have loved a fish at all." ''[The blue fish swims up and kisses her. The crowd awws.]'' Blue Fish: "I know there are a lot of finned fellas in the ocean, princess, but I only have bulgy eyes for you. Can you find it in your scaly heart to forgive a jerk fish like me?" ''[The red fish kisses the blue one. By the tank, Jude and Starr are kissing as well. Hiro weeps.]'' Hiro: "I love a happy ending!"

[Caitlin sets a tray full of drinks on the table.] Caitlin: "Five welcome-back lemon whips on the house." ''[The gang each choose a drink and take a sip. Wyatt coughs and pulls a shard of plastic out of his teeth.]'' Wyatt: "Uuch! What's this?" Caitlin: "Ooh, sorry! I must have left a credit card shard in the blender." [Caitlin's friends stare at her blankly.] Caitlin: "I finally destroyed Daddy's card." Jen: "Way to go, Caitlin." Jude: "So, what did you do with it all?" Caitlin: "I took most of it back, and what I couldn't I donated to charity." Nikki: "Nice work, kiddo." Caitlin: "Yeah. Turns out I'm pretty good at shopping in reverse, too." Wyatt: [raising his cup for a toast] "To Caitlin!" Jen, Jonesy, Jude and Nikki: [returning the toast] "To Caitlin!"