Opposites Attack/Script

[Jonesy is talking to his friends as they walk through the mall.] Jonesy: "...and I got it." Nikki: "What are you rambling about? You're a secretary at a travel agency." Jonesy: "A secretary? I'm a call center representative." Jen: "I've never seen you this excited about work before, Jonesy." Jonesy: "A, my desk has a giant LCD screen, and c, they have high-speed internet." Wyatt: "Which means b, you don't actually have to do any real work." Jonesy: "I get paid to play video games all day!" ''[Jonesy and Jude hi-five. They come upon Jonesy's workplace. A girl is already inside.]'' Jonesy: "Hey, that must be my co-worker." [shaking her hand] "I'm Jonesy, the new guy." Joanie: "Hey. My name's Joanie." ''[Jonesy takes a seat. His friends walk up to Joanie.]'' "Can the new guy help you?" Caitlin: "We're just here to wish Jonesy good luck on his first day." Joanie: "Doesn't need luck. We get paid to play video games all day." Jonesy: "I just told them the same thing!" Joanie: [to Jonesy] "What's wrong with your friends?" [Jude and Wyatt are staring at her.] Jude: "You're pretty." ''[The girls roll their eyes. A call comes in, but Joanie ignores it.]'' Jonesy: "Aren't you gonna answer that?" [Joanie crumples up her finished cup of soda and tosses it into the trash.] Joanie: "Woohoo! Three points!" ''[Trying to upstage her, Jonesy also makes an attempt. His misses.]'' Joanie: "What do you think you're doing? You have work to do!" [after a beat] "On your free throw shot!" [She hands him a travel brochure, and Jonesy begins practicing.] Jonesy: "Ahhaha! I like your style!" ''[Jonesy and Joanie toss brochures at the trash. All of them miss.]'' Nikki: [watching] "Look, Jonesy's got a new playmate. Isn't that sweet." Jude: "She's not sweet. She's smokin'!"

''The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is Opposites Attack''

[The girls walk up to the Khaki Barn.] Jen: "I don't think I've ever seen Jonesy so happy in a job." Nikki: "Well, he seems to be getting along great with that Joanie girl." Caitlin: "Wow, Nikki! I'm totally impressed by your self-control!" Nikki: "You've lost me." Caitlin: "You don't sound jealous at all that Jonesy is working with that–" Jude: [skating past] "Smoking hottie!" [losing control] "Whoa!" [He crashes into something.] "Ow!" Nikki: "Jealous? Please. I'm happy that Jonesy's finally found his dream job." [The girls walk inside and bump into Jen's older sister.] Jen: "Courtney!" [happily] "What are you doing here?" Courtney: "I'm just in town to run some errands. Don't tell Mom, or I'll get roped into a big family thing." Jen: [winking] "My lips are sealed." Courtney: "Hey Caitlin. You're just as pretty as I remember." Caitlin: "Thanks, Courtney!" Courtney: [to Nikki] "And you're, uh, fun too, Nikki." Nikki: "Nice to see you too, Courtney." Courtney: "I gotta go. Bye!" Caitlin: "Bye!" [Courtney leaves.] Jen: "Me too, my shift starts in five. Sorry about the drive-by Courtneying." Caitlin: "I thought she was lovely." Nikki: "You would." [Jen leaves.] Chrissy: "Omigosh, it's the cutest ever! Mohair mini-sweater dresses!" The Clones: "EEEEEE!" Kirsten: [looking at Nikki] "They wouldn't look good on you, Nikki, you're too big-boned for mohair." Nikki: "I'm gonna introduce you to my fist bone if you don't quit your cackling!" [The Clones gasp and rush away from Nikki.]

[Jen has made it to the Penalty Box.] Coach Halder: "Masterson! We kick off in five minutes, and you waltz right in here like it's a halftime show!" Jen: "I'm right on time, Coach." Coach Halder: "Save your excuses! By the way, where do we keep the ping pong paddles?" Jen: "In the ping pong paddle aisle? Bottom shelf." Coach Halder: "I don't know where anything is around here! We need a storewide inventory, pronto! And you're team captain! Thanks for volunteering." Jen: "Yes. Coach." [She walks over to Jude, who is looking at skateboards.] "I hate inventory! Counting every sports sock, every golf ball–it's so mind-numbingly boring!" Jude: "I love mind-numbing. One day, I counted every single blade of grass on my front lawn." Jen: "O-kay." Jude: "But I lost count after eight hundred and seventy-five thousand when I went to take a pee and forgot to mark my spot where I left off. So, I started again." Jen: "That's great, Jude. Sounds like you'd be great for inventory. How about it?" Jude: "Sure, bra." Jen: "Great! Now all I have to do is convince Coach."

[Jonesy walks into Burger McFlipster's and has a seat at the counter, where Wyatt is working.] Jonesy: "Hey Wyatt. I'm on my second break." Wyatt: "But you only started work an hour ago." Jonesy: "I know! My new job rocks! Give me two orders of chicken fingers." [Joanie walks into work and has a bite of the chicken fingers off of the plate Wyatt is eating from.] Joanie: "Studies show that eating spicy chicken fingers improves employee performance." Wyatt: "Ozh...me...ahh." Joanie: "Is he slow?" Jonesy: "Slow with the chicken fingers? Yes." ''[Wyatt quickly gives Jonesy and Joanie their orders. The two walk out and Wyatt sighs. Suddenly, a spitball slams into his eye.]'' Wyatt: "AAAH!" Joanie: "Yes! I totally nailed that one!" Jonesy: "You are a true artiste." ''[Jonesy and Joanie walk away laughing. Wyatt sighs.]''

[Ron drives by the table with Pokey the Panda sitting in the back under arrest.] Jonesy: "Joanie has the best ideas. And not for saving the planet or anything! Fun stuff, like water balloons!" Nikki: [annoyed] "Yeah. She's a real giver." Wyatt: "I become this babbling idiot whenever Joanie's around!" Jonesy: "No, you think?" Wyatt: "She's just so smoking hot!" [Nikki looks at him angrily.] Caitlin: "You're never gonna guess who we ran into today!" Jonesy: "You should hear Joanie's belch! It's louder than this!" ''[He belches. A louder belch comes from behind him.]'' Joanie: "Jonesmiester." Jonesy: "Jonesmiester." Caitlin: [annoyed] "Go ahead! Guess!" Jonesy: "Is break time over?" Joanie: "Don't worry. As long as we're only three minutes late from a break, no one can say anything, but it adds to a whole day of paid vacation every year!" Jonesy: "Oh, man, that is genius! Huh, Nikki?" [He and Joanie walk away.] Nikki: "Jonesy, didn't you forget something?" [She purses her lips for a kiss.] Jonesy: "Oh yeah." [He comes back and grabs his soda.] "Bye everybody." Caitlin: "Ahem! We saw Courtney!" Nikki: "Ugh!" [She gets up and stomps away.] Caitlin: [to Wyatt] "I tried."

[Jonesy is playing a game when Joanie sets a box on the counter.] Jonesy: "What's that for?" Joanie: "It's a donation box to help the hungry." Jonesy: "Who's hungry?" Joanie: "Me. Wasn't I cute?" [Jonesy looks at the old picture of Joanie on the box.] Jonesy: "Isn't that, like, wrong or something?" Joanie: "Jonesy, Jonesy, Jonesy. People don't make donations to help the poor and hungry. They do it to make themselves feel better. And for the tax write-off." [to an old lady] "Donate a dollar for the hungry?" [The old woman drops a coin in the box and moves off.] "Score! Curly fries, here we come!" Jonesy: "You're my hero."

[Coach Halder is interviewing Jude.] Coach Halder: "So, Masterson tells me you want to play on the Penalty Box team." Jude: "Yes sir, Coach dude!" Coach Halder: [holding up his hand] "Quick, how many fingers?" Jude: "Uh...four?" Jen: [whispering] "No, five!" Coach Halder: "That's right, son! Four fingers, one thumb! Most morons would have answered five. You, me, and Masterson are in a boat. We need to lighten the load if we're gonna win the race. Quick, who do you throw overboard?" Jude: "Her?" Jen: "What?!?" Jude: "Jen's the best swimmer." Jen: [flattered] "That is true." Coach Halder: "I'd sink like a stone! Nice. You're hired!" Jude: "Sweet! I'm hired!" [He hi-fives Jen.]

[Jonesy and Joanie are at Wonder Taco.] Joanie: "Four orders of spicy curly fries, please." [She dumps some money out of the box onto the counter.] "I know this looks bad, but the fundraisers have to eat too." Julie: "Uh-huh." [She goes off and gets them their food.] Jonesy: "I bet I can eat these in five seconds or under." Joanie: "No way. I'll take that action. Let the fry-off begin!"

''[Wyatt and Caitlin are walking through the mall. Suddenly, Caitlin stops.]'' Caitlin: "Wyatt, look!" [Joanie feeds Jonesy a curly fry.] "Did you see that? Joanie's feeding Jonesy curly fries!" Wyatt: "Maybe Jonesy's just really hungry?" [Caitlin doesn't comment.] "I tried."

[Jen walks up to Jude, who is counting bras.] Jen: "Inventory sucks." Jude: "No, bra, I love it. Kind of like guided meditation." [counting] "One sports bra, two sports bras, three sports bras–" Jen: "Just stay out of Coach's way. He bites." Jude: "No problema, amiga." [Wyatt and Caitlin run into the store.] Caitlin: "Jen! We have a total emergency!" Jen: "Bigger than that pile of sports bras Jude is counting?" Caitlin: "Way bigger." [She pulls Jen out of the store.]

[The party has moved to the Khaki Barn.] Caitlin: "Maybe you should take a seat first, Nikki." Nikki: "Caitlin, I'm busy. I don't have time for this." [The store is empty of all save Wyatt, Nikki, Jen, and Caitlin.] Nikki: "Fine. So I'm not busy. Can you make it quick anyway?" Caitlin: "Brace yourself. Joanie was feeding Jonesy curly fries." Nikki: "And?" Jen: "Aw, Nikki! If you need a hug–" Nikki: "I don't need a hug! Why should I care if Joanie gave Jonesy something to eat?" Jen: "Let her hear it, Caitlin." [Caitlin pulls out her cell phone and shows Nikki an animation of a girl feeding a guy and having him fall in love with her.] Animation: "The way to a boy's heart is through his stomach." Nikki: "What was that?" Caitlin: "Girl Talk podcast. Never miss it." Nikki: "Uh, I refuse to take dating advice from some stupid cell phone." [She snatches it away from Caitlin.] Caitlin: "Hey! That's my stupid cell phone!"

[Three skaters ride through the Penalty Box, off a ramp, and back out again.] Skater #1: [to Jude] "Wicked." Skater #2: [to Jude] "Yo." Skater #3: [to Jude] "Dude." Jen: [seeing the ramp] "Jude! Where did that come from?" Jude: "I had to take the boxes out of the stockroom to count them. And, a ramp was born." Jen: "We gotta get rid of this right away!" [The skaters come through again.] Coach Halder: "Why are there so many little punks in my store?" [seeing the ramp] "What is that?!?" Skater #3: "Your store rocks, coach dude." [He buys a skateboard and walks away.] Coach Halder: [sniffing the bills] "Ah, the sweet smell of profit! I can't remember the last time Masterson hit a home run like this! How'd you like to join our sales team, Jude?" Jen: [shocked] "What?!?" Jude: "Store's got a harsh vibe, dude. Not sure if it's really my scene." Coach Halder: "Then make it your scene! Lace up your skates, boy, 'cause you're my new right-winger!" [Jen gapes.]

[A long line of customers is waiting to get service at the travel agency.] Jonesy: [playing a game against Joanie] "Your king is dead and your village is in ruins! Surrender, foe!" Joanie: "Whatever, dork. You think you can defeat me that easily?" Jonesy: "Aw, man. How'd your army get so big so fast?" Sophisticated Man: "Ahem. Do you have any tickets for the Museum of Civilization?" Joanie: "No, but I just plunged his civilization back into the Dark Ages! Now what do you say?" Jonesy: "Congratulations, Joanie. You are now the builder of civilizations." Joanie: [wrestling with him] "You're a disgrace to the Jonesmiester name!" ''[Jonesy and Joanie laugh as they wrestle. After some time, they settle down, looking romantic. Nikki and Caitlin come by.]'' Caitlin: "Can I please have my cell phone back?" Nikki: "Only if you promise to stop talking about Joanie and Jonesy." Caitlin: "I won't bring it up again, swear!" ''[They look towards the agency booth and see Jonesy and Joanie wrestling. Nikki gapes in astonishment.]''

[A while later, Jonesy is still trying his moves on her.] Jonesy: "I call this move 'The Jaws of Jonesy!'" [A teenage guy walks past.] Joanie: "Whoa. Dude is cute. Think you could let me go?" ''[Jonesy lets go of Joanie. Joanie takes out a five dollar bill and walks over to the guy.]'' Joanie: "Excuse me. I think you dropped five bucks." [The teenager shakes his head no.] "Oh, it's not yours? Then how about I use it to buy you a coffee?" Jonesy: [watching] "Girl has some slick moves."

''[Lots of people are in the Penalty Box drinking energy drinks. Jen is serving them.]'' Jen: "Would you like some energy drink, ma'am?" [She pours one.] "How about you, sir, energy drink?" [She pours one.] "Ugh, I can't believe stupid Coach listened to stupid Jude! I have better things to do than serving people!" Coach Halder: "Boy, this store has never been busier! I nominate Jude for MVP!" Jen: [doing a spittake] "WHAT?!? But it's his first week! I've never been the Most Valuable Player!" Coach Halder: "You call that team spirit, Masterson? Just look at the customers Jude brought in!" Jen: "Customers buy things! These people are just here for the free drinks!" Coach Halder: "Well, you just can't put a price on karma. Jude told me that." [Jude skates up to them.] Jen: "Jude, skateboarding's forbidden in the store!" Coach Halder: "Jude says it helps him think. What have you got for me now, Lizowski?" [Jude thinks.] Jen: "Don't hurt yourself!!!" Jude: [haltingly] "I think the store needs some lava lamps." Coach Halder: "Love it! Masterson, why didn't you think of lava lamps?" Jen: "Because this is a sporting goods store?" Coach Halder: "You're not thinking outside the Penalty Box! Five-minute foul!" ''[Jen sighs and heads over to the box to take her penalty. Nikki and Caitlin walk in.]'' Nikki: "This can't be happening!" Jen: "I know! Coach has lost his mind! He loves every one of Jude's crazy, skateboard inspired ideas!" Caitlin: "Nikki's talking about Jonesy and Joanie. We saw them hugging." [Jen gasps.] Jen: [breathless] "Hugging? Are you sure?" Nikki: "They were like this!" [She demonstrates on Crusher.] Crusher: "Well hello, beautiful." Nikki: [shoving him away] "Uh, I don't think so." [to her friends] "What if Jonesy has fallen for her? I guess some guys might find her sort of cute." Caitlin: "More like gorgeous! And they have so much in common! They're practically two peas in a pod!" [She notices the look on Nikki's face.] "I'm just gonna stop talking now." Jen: "Wait, slow down, Nikki. Have you even asked Jonesy what's going on?" Nikki: "No." [She sighs.] "Guess I owe the lunkhead that much. We're supposed to catch a movie in an hour. I'll talk to him them." ''[The loudspeakers in the Penalty Box crackle. Suddenly, whalesong begins to drift over the speakers.]'' Jen: "They're playing–whale music?"

[Nikki walks into the Gigantoplex and sees Jonesy standing in line–with Joanie.] Nikki: "Jonesy, I thought we were going to see a movie." Jonesy: "We are, Joanie's gonna join, cool?" [Nikki looks at them for a moment.] Nikki: "Ha! The more the merrier!"

''[The three are watching the movie. Jonesy and Joanie are enjoying themselves; Nikki is not.]'' Jonesy: [taking some popcorn] "Man, are those people ever stupid!" Joanie: [taking some popcorn] "The monster who smelt it, dealt it!" Nikki: "Um, guys? You're getting popcorn all over me." Jonesy: "Okay, I'll hold it." Joanie: [tugging on the popcorn bag] "Jonesy, quit hogging the corn." Jonesy: "Sorry. Can you still see, Nikki?" Nikki: [face blocked by the popcorn bag] "Oh, totally. Why don't we just get another tub of popcorn?" Jonesy: "Because Miss Charity Donation Box there wasted her time on German tourists! What are we gonna do with deutschemarks?" Nikki: "Huh?" Joanie: "I don't discriminate. I'm an equal-opportunity scammer. Plus, I've always wanted to go to Berlin." Jonesy: "They have the best industrial German music." Joanie: "Over there, they just call it music." Nikki: [annoyed] "Last week, you didn't even know where Germany was." Jonesy: "Joanie schooled me." Joanie: "Someone has to educate." [to Nikki] "Sorry." Nikki: [irritated] "I'm going to get some jujubes." Jonesy: "Make that two." Nikki: "Excuse me?" Jonesy: "Right, sorry, make that three. Don't want to leave out Joanie." Nikki: [annoyed] "Perish the thought."

[The movie ends, and Jonesy and Joanie walk out into the theater lobby.] Joanie: "Thanks for the laughs, Jonesmiester. See you at work." [She walks away.] Jonesy: "Later." [looking around for his girlfriend] "Nikki?"

''[Lava lamps have been placed in a circle. Jen, Jude, and Coach Halder are sitting on yoga mats in the center of the circle.]'' Jude: "It's called the art of soft sell, dude." Jen: "The soft sell?" Jude: "If you merch it, they will come." Coach Halder: "Can I still threaten them if they can't make up their minds?" Jude: "No, dude. Love conquers all." Jen: "But what if you haven't made your sales quota? You can't just stand there." Coach Halder: "Masterson! Keep your helmet on! I want to try this soft sell thing." ''[Coach Halder walks over to a police officer who is looking around. He grins at her awkwardly, and she walks away from him. Coach Halder comes back to his employees.]'' Coach Halder: "Even though she didn't buy anything, I like how it makes me feel. Sort of like a–a big–uh, fuzzy penguin or something." Jude: [bowing] "You're on your way, dude." Coach Halder: [bowing] "Thanks. Dude." Jen: "Uch!"

[Nikki is talking to her friends by the Big Squeeze.] Nikki: "I got tired of watching them bond, so I bailed in the middle of the movie." Caitlin: "I can't believe Jonesy would do that. No more lemonade for him!" Jen: "Guys can be such jerks sometimes!" Wyatt: "Joanie's ssoooooo hot!" [Wyatt's friends look at him awkwardly.] Wyatt: "I just realized I'm the only guy at this table." Nikki: "I appreciate the support guys, or rather girls, but this is between me and Jonesy." Jonesy: [walking up to the table] "Hey guys! Hi Nikki." Nikki: [getting up] "I gotta get to work." [She leaves.] Jonesy: [watching her go] "What's her problem?" Jen: "What's her problem? What is your problem! How could you do that to Nikki?" Jonesy: "Is this about the extra butter on the popcorn? I know how Nikki hates that." Caitlin: "We saw you hugging Joanie." Wyatt: "And feeding her curly fries." Jonesy: "Wait. You guys don't think I like Joanie?" Jen: "I can't talk to you right now." [She leaves.] Wyatt: [sighing as he leaves] "Say hi to Joanie for me, since I obviously can't." Caitlin: "I have nowhere to go, but I'm still leaving!" [She closes the Big Squeeze and leaves.] Jonesy: "Guys, lemme explain!" [looking around] "Fine. I don't need any of you. I'm a lone wolf! I am an island!"

''[Jonesy is despondently sitting around at work when Joanie pulls a prank on him. Joanie laughs. Jonesy doesn't join in.]'' Joanie: "It's no fun when you don't react. Who put salt in your sugar shaker?" Jonesy: "Nikki thinks we have a thing." Joanie: [laughing] "You've got to be kidding. Us? No way." Jonesy: "Dude, I know! I mean, I realize it's difficult to resist my natural charms and good looks." Joanie: "I've always been more of a guys' girl. But I do know a thing or two about women. Show Nikki how much she means to you, and she'll be putty in your hands." Jonesy: [energized] "Hey! Did we ever get those tickets for that museum thing? Nikki loves museums!" Joanie: "How should I know?" Jonesy: "Right. I'll check it out myself. Thanks, Jonesmiester." Joanie: "Anytime, Jonesmiester." [They bump fists, wiggle fingers, and bump elbows before Jonesy gets to work on trying to find the tickets.]

''[The Penalty Box is totally Zenned out. Even Coach Halder is wearing a tie-dye shirt.]'' Coach Halder: "Oh, this can't be! Maybe if I carry the zero." [He scribbles on his clipboard.] "No." Jen: "Face it, Coach! The sales figures are terrible! We haven't sold a thing all week!" Jude: "Go with the flow, Coach." Jen: "Flow? Ahh!" Jen's thoughts: ''I gotta do something. Before we're all out of a job.'' ''[Jen gets an idea. She pops a gumball into her mouth and blows a bubble that pops just as Coach Halder is starting to relax.]'' Coach Halder: "What was that? Gum? I hate gum!" Jen: "Little offside gum chewing, Coach. Not a big deal. Just go with the flow, right?" [She blows a bubble and lets it pop.] Coach Halder: [calming down a bit] "May the sales force be with you." [He walks away.] Jen: [angry] "I have only begun to fight."

[Nikki is with the Clones inside the Khaki Barn.] Kirsten: "We're like, sorry about your messed-up love life, Nikki–" Chrissy: "We are?" Kirsten: "If you wanna cry, we won't take pictures for our blog." [The Clones titter.] Nikki: "Leave now, or I force-feed you garbage." Kirsten: "Last time we try to be nice." ''[They walk away. Jonesy holds two pieces of paper out to Nikki.]'' Nikki: "Khaki Barn reserves the right to reserve service to jerks." Jonesy: "Aren't you even gonna look at the tickets?" Nikki: "I couldn't care l–" [She gasps.] "You got tickets for the new exhibition? I've been dying to see it!" [cynical] "Wait. How did you know?" Jonesy: [pointing to his ears] "These babies actually work, you know." Nikki: "I don't know, Jonesy. You like spitballs, belching, and–well, I don't. Maybe you should be with someone like Joanie." [Jonesy laughs.] Jonesy: "That would be like dating myself. And I already spend too much time with me as it is! I like that when I'm with you, I don't have to start all my stories at the beginning." Nikki: "Um, that was the sappiest thing I've ever heard. Thanks." [Jonesy kisses Nikki.]

''[Nikki and Jonesy walk past the Penalty Box. Jen watches them jealously.]'' Jen: "At least one thing is back to normal." ''[Coach Halder is playing with some windchimes. Jen walks up behind him and pops her gum.]'' Jen: "You okay, Coach?" Coach Halder: [stressed] "Never been more chill." Jen: "So you don't mind that my socks don't match." [Coach Halder takes a look.] Coach Halder: [twitching] "No–problema–amiga." Jen: "Oh, look. A chocolate stain on my Penalty Box jersey. No biggie, right?" Coach Halder: [hyperventilating] "I accept the path of love." Jen: "You're gonna let me get away with that? That's it! I give up!" [She bumps into Jude.] "Oof!" Jude: "Whoa!" ''[The pitcher of energy drink that Jude is drinking flies into the air and lands on the head of a mannequin, causing it to fall into a pyramid of basketballs that avalanche, crashing into a ski display and a tennis ball display. The tennis balls pop out of their tins and bounce around the store, adding to the chaos. Eventually, everything stops. Coach Halder's face turns red.]'' Coach Halder: "MMMMAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTEEEEEEEERRRRRRRSSSSSSSOOOONNN!!!!" [taking charge] "Spit out the gum change that jersey match your socks clean up this mess. Jude, you're fired." Jen: [hugging her boss] "Thank you! Thank you! Oh, and Jude, no hard feelings." Jude: "About what, bra?" Jen: "Aw, thanks!" Jude: "No, seriously, about what?" Coach Halder: "Masterson! I can't believe you let me hire this lunkhead! Red card! You're on probation!" ''[Coach Halder and Jude leave. Jen's shoulders sag.]'' Jen: [depressed] "I. Give. Up."