The List/Script

[Jude is trying to count the number of coffee beans in a jar.] Jude: "Three hundred and eleven...three hundred and twelve...or did I already count that one? Huh. Let's go over this one more time." [The long line behind him grumbles.] "All I have to do is guess exactly how many beans are in the jar, and I win free coffee for a year?" Girl: [in line offscreen, annoyed] "Yes yes yes!" Jude: [rubbing his chin] "Is this a zit?" Girl: "Take a guess!" Jude: "Fifteen thousand, eight hundred and thirty-six!" ''[A bell dings. Jude has won.]'' Wyatt: "Nice one." Jude: "I got a lucky zit!" [chuckling] "Sweet."

''The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is The List''

[Jude walks up to the table and hands his female friends coffee.] Caitlin: "Oh, thanks Jude!" Jude: "Don't thank me, thank him." [He points to his zit.] Caitlin: "Ew! You have that lip thingy on your chin!" Jude: "Nuh-uh. This is my new lucky zit. Wanna rub it for luck?" Caitlin: "Ew!" Jen: "Gross!" Jude: "Suit yourselves." [Jonesy walks up to the table dressed in a cape and a hat shaped like a bat and sits down.] Nikki: "Are you really gonna make one of us ask?" Jonesy: "I got a job at the new photocopy shop, it's called Copy Bats." Jen: "Shouldn't that be Copy Cats?" Jonesy: "That's what I said to the boss. He said that name was already taken." Nikki: "I bet five bucks you get fired for photocopying your butt." Jonesy: [putting a copy down] "Already accomplished, still employed." [He takes Nikki's money.] Jude: "Decided against a color copy, huh? Grey bums are more anonymous." Jonesy: "I autographed it for you." [He slides the copy over to Nikki.] Nikki: "This bum just got the perfect job?" Caitlin: "Aw, that's kinda cute." [Wyatt walks up with a despondent look on his face.] Jude: "Why so low, bro?" Wyatt: "My date last night was a total bust." Caitlin: "Oh, I'm sure she had a good time." Wyatt: "I was driving her home, and she got out of the car while it was still moving." Caitlin: "Ouch." Nikki: "The ol' tuck and roll." Wyatt: [sighing] "She was pretty much the last single girl I know." Jen: "Oh, Wyatt, things could be worse." Nikki: "Yeah, just look at Jonesy's hat." ''[Obediently, Jonesy makes his hat flap its wings. Wyatt does not react.]'' Jonesy: [getting up] "Well, I've done all I can. I'm off to work." [The rest of Jonesy's friends, bar Jude, get up and leave for work.] Jude: "If you're not gonna date the car-jumper again, do you mind if I give her a call? I like a girl who knows how to roll." [Wyatt thunks his head onto the table.]

[A while later, Caitlin is working, Wyatt's head is on the table, and Jude is flipping a coin.] Jude: "Heads." [He wins.] "Yep. Heads." [He wins.] "Sweet. Heads." [He wins.] "Wicked!" Caitlin: "That's incredible!" Jude: "I'm telling you, the zit has powers!" [The rest of the friends walk up and see the still-slumped Wyatt.] Jen: "Has he been like this all day?" Caitlin: "Yeah. It's getting a little depressing." Jude: "Dude needs a girlfriend." Wyatt: "I'm giving up on girls. I'm gonna be old, alone, surrounded by cats, waiting for a chance to eat me." Caitlin: "See? Depressing." Wyatt: "Why am I single?" [bashing his head against the table] "Why, why, why, w–" [Jonesy grabs his head.] Jonesy: "Well this has gotta stop." ''[He lets go, and Wyatt's head hits the table again. Jonesy pulls out a PDA.]'' Nikki: "What's that?" Jonesy: "It's my...list." [Jude and Wyatt gasp.] Jen: "The list?" Jude: [reaching for it] "I've never been so close." Jonesy: "A meticulous record of every girl I've ever encountered. Notes, phone numbers, assessments, play-by-plays, it's all in here." Nikki: "Uh, now hang on a second." Jonesy: "If this can help you get back in the game and avoid being eaten by cats, I want you to take it." ''[Jonesy holds out his PDA to Wyatt. Wyatt is about to take it when Nikki snatches it away.]'' Nikki: "I can not believe that a, you have a list, and b, you've been carrying it around with you the whole time we've been dating!" Jonesy: "Is that a problem?" Nikki: "Seriously? How long have we been dating?" Jonesy: "For like, a while?" Nikki: "A while? Nono, no, in months, Jonesy. In months. How many months have we been together." [to Jen] "No helping!" [to Jonesy] "Well, how many months?!?" Jonesy: "Sev-eral?" Caitlin: "Ooh." Nikki: "Give me a number." Jonesy: "Oh, Nikki. What's a number anyway?" Wyatt: "A mathematical representation of value." Jonesy: "And that is why you're single." Nikki: "You know what, you should hang on to your list. Who knows when you might need it again." [Nikki walks away.] Jonesy: "Nikki!" ''[Nikki tosses the list over her shoulder. Jonesy bobbles it.]'' "Aah! Oh no! Got it! Don't let it–no!" ''[The list slips from Jonesy's hands and seems to be about to hit the floor. Jude dives and catches it in one hand.]'' Jude: "Way to go, zit!"

[Nikki and Jonesy are talking about the list inside the Khaki Barn.] Nikki: "No big deal?" Jonesy: "But Wyatt needs help, and I–" Nikki: "You judged all these women on superficial criteria. Looks, kissing skills, boob size–" Jonesy: "I don't think that's superficial." Nikki: "Yeah, well that's 'cause you're a pig." Jonesy: "Harsh." Nikki: "No! Reducing women to an itemized list is harsh." [She grabs the PDA and scrolls through it.] "'Carly: Sweet lipstick, total tease. Ella: Amazing butt, hates oranges.'" Jonesy: "Yeah, she did have an amazing–" [Nikki clears her throat.] "–hatred of oranges." Nikki: "Am I on the list?" [Jonesy attempts to grab the list back.] "'Nikki: No skirts. Smells good unless nervous? With all those piercings, it's like kissing a tackle box?!?'" Jonesy: "The list is out of date! That's from before we were really a couple!" Nikki: "So what would you say if you wrote it now, huh? How would you sum me up?" Jonesy: "Um, Nikki–is–uh, good?" Nikki: "That's how you feel about me?!? I'm, uh, good? That's it?!?" Jonesy: "I–uh–I-I don't know how I feel!" [Nikki gapes and slams the PDA down on the counter.] Nikki: "Talking stops now!" Jonesy: "Nikki, wait!"

''[Wyatt is working the counter. Wayne is on grill duties.]'' Wayne: "So, Jonesy offered you his list." Wyatt: [shocked] "How do you know about it?" Wayne: "Because like Nostradamus and the kids who escaped Warlock Mountain, I possess extrasensory powers of perception." [Wyatt stares at Wayne with a deadpan look on his face.] Wayne: "The Clones told the guys at Taj Mahome." Wyatt: "Well, it's no big deal." Wayne: "No big deal? Are you mad, man? From what I have heard, this list unlocks the final piece of the puzzle that is woman!" [Something on the grill starts burning.] Wyatt: "Um, Wayne?" Wayne: "This list could change the lives of many men, okay? Hundreds, maybe thousands!" Wyatt: "Meat." [The grill bursts into flames.] Wayne: "Yes, the meat of these notes arm us with knowledge and allow us to go after women completely out of our league! Approaching hotness without an ace up your sleeve, is like, is like going into battle without a weapon! Death!" Wyatt: "Burning." Wayne: "Exactly! A burning, painful, death!" [The smoke alarm goes off and a shower comes on over Wayne.] "Perhaps I'm too excited." Wyatt: "Perhaps."

[The girls are gathered inside the Penalty Box to discuss things.] Caitlin: "Kissing a tackle box?" Jen: "He did write it a long time ago." Nikki: "Nikki is, uh, good, isn't what I would call a glowing review either." Jen: "Well, at least your boyfriend is here to fight with. With Travis out of town, all I do is sit at home watching police shows on TV." Nikki: "Can we stay on topic here? I can't keep dating Jonesy if he doesn't know how he feels about me." Caitlin: "What are you gonna do?" Nikki: "I'm gonna tell him that we're officially on break until he figures out what I mean to him." Jen: "Good for you, Nikki." Caitlin: "Wow." Nikki: "And when I tell him, I want to be looking hotter than any girl he's ever seen." Caitlin: "Tomorrow we shop!"

''[Wyatt is leaning on the service counter despondently. Jude walks up to him.]'' Jude: "Hey, does Lucky look bigger to you?" Wyatt: "You know a zit can't be lucky, right?" Jude: "Are you kidding, bro? This morning, I fell down the stairs holding a pair of pants. When I got to the bottom, I was wearing them." Wyatt: "Okay, that was a lucky event, but the zit had nothing to do with it." Jude: "I know what I know, and what I know, is that I know this zit is lucky. Now, can I get an order of fries with extra grease, please." [to his zit] "I'm gonna feed ya! Yes I am. Yes I am. Aw, yes I am." [Wyatt looks disgusted but goes off to get the fries.]

[Nikki has been loaded down with clothes from Albatross & Finch by her friends.] Caitlin: "Try on the blue skirt, pink top, and high heels first." Jen: "That blue thing was a skirt? I thought it was a belt." Caitlin: "It's the ultra-mini. Guys love it." ''[Nikki steps out of the changing room. The heels are incredibly high, and the rest of the outfit bares a lot of skin.]'' Nikki: "Yeah, no kidding. Feels like every time I take a step, people will see my underwear." Caitlin: "Take it for a test run, walk around a little!" [Nikki takes about six steps and falls flat on her back.] Jen: "You're right. We can totally see your underwear." Nikki: "Shut it."

[Jonesy is being tailed by Wayne.] Jonesy: "Come to Copy Bats, we're batty about copies!" [He hands an flier to a consumer.] "For the last time, you can't have the list." Wayne: "Anyone who keeps this treasure to himself is less worthwhile than a DVD of Demonic Ghost Monkeys 4 that has been bootlegged without the director's commentary or alternate better ending." Jonesy: [sighing] "This is something I don't just hand out wily-nily, but–" [He pulls a paper from his back pocket.] Wayne: "Really? I convinced you?" Jonesy: "You deserve to see this." Wayne: [kneeling] "Thank you, Jonesy." [Jonesy gives him the paper.] "Thank you." [Wayne unfolds the paper and gets a full-on shot of Jonesy's rump.] Jonesy: "It's a photocopy of my bum." Wayne: "For the last time, give me. That. List." Jonesy: "You'll never get your hands on it." Wayne: "We'll see about that." ''[Wayne takes another look at the photocopy and grins sickly. Jonesy snatches his butt back.]''

[The girls are checking out.] Nikki: "You really think this outfit will bring Jonesy to his knees?" Caitlin: "Of course it will, you look totally hot!" [holding up a top] "And I'm gonna look way cute in this!" Jen: "When did you even pick that out?" Caitlin: "I know. I'm good." [She hands the top over to the sales clerk, pulls out her wallet, and gasps.] "My credit card is gone!" Jen: "Where'd you use it last?" Caitlin: "I don't know! Ooh. I'll call and find out." [She takes out her cell phone and dials.] "Hi, this is Caitlin Cooke. Can you tell me the last place I used my credit card?" [hearing the response] "Today? Bargain Fashion Hut? But their smallest size is an eight!" [She hangs up, lip quivering.] "Someone stole my credit card!" ''[Caitlin runs out of the store crying. Jen follows.]'' Nikki: [to the sales clerk] "If I only wear this stuff once, can I return it?"

''[Jude walks by a skate shop eating his fries. He stops when he sees a beautiful skateboard.]'' Jude: "How much for the longboard?" Skater: "Not for sale, bro. But fill out a ballot. You have a chance to win it." ''[Jude writes his name on a ballot and rubs it on his chin zit before dropping it in. The employee looks disgusted.]'' Jude: "It's for luck."

[Caitlin and Jen walk through the mall.] Jen: "Any word on your stolen credit card?" Caitlin: "The Bargain Fashion Hut clerk said whoever used it bought a men's hat. A guy must have stolen it." Jen: "How is that possible?" Caitlin: "It just says C. Cooke on the card, not Caitlin. Guess I should call and cancel it." Jen: [donning sunglasses] "I say we let this perp keep using the card. And give ourselves a chance to bring him to justice." Caitlin: "Where are you getting this from? All the cop shows you've been watching?" Jen: "I know I can crack this case!" Caitlin: "Do you need this to keep your mind off Travis being away?" Jen: "Desperately." Caitlin: "Fine." Jen: "Let's roll."

[Jonesy is eating a taco.] Jonesy: "It's just a list, no big deal! But now Nikki wants to know what I think of her. How much she means to me. How am I supposed to answer that? I mean, obviously I like her. I think she might be The One." [He stops.] "Whoa. What did I say?" Julie: "You think Nikki might be The–" Jonesy: "I know what I said, I just–wait, what did I say?" Julie: "Nikki might be The–" Jonesy: "Stop saying it! Whoa. Nikki might really be The One? But I can't tell her that. What if she doesn't feel the same way?"

[Caitlin and Jen are checking Huntington's.] Jen: "Your cooperation in this matter has been noted in my records." [The two exit the store.] Caitlin: "This guy is really racking up the charges. Are you sure we're gonna catch him?" Jen: "Of course! I made some notes on who we're looking for. He bought pants here at Huntington's, a shirt at Canadian Appeal, and a hat at the Bargain Fashion Hut. So we are looking for someone who looks like this." ''[She shows Caitlin a horrible sketch. Caitlin sighs.]'' "If I had color pencils it would look way better!"

[Jude is eating a taco.] Jude: "See, I don't really get a lot of zits, so I thought long and hard about who I could ask for help, and then it hit me. Julie!" [Julie looks at him angrily.] "So, bra, how do I make this sucker bigger?" [Julie angrily walks away.] "Trade secret? I can respect that." [to himself] "She must be the luckiest girl in the whole mall."

[Wayne is dressing a crowd of guys by the fountain.] Wayne: [as Pomp and Circumstance plays] "Jonesy's list is the cure to loneliness, a means of eradicating the plague of solitude. Friends, rejects, lonely men. It's not what the list can do for us, it's what we can do with the list!" [The crowd cheers.] "One list to rule them all!"

[Everyone but Nikki is around the table.] Jonesy: "Chocolate spread on pizza? How does that taste?" Jude: "Not important. What is important is that North Shore Surf & Skate Shop is raffling off a longboard. Gotta make sure my zit is set to maximum lucky before the draw." [He begins eating his pizza.] Wyatt: "Something special about this skateboard?" Jude: "It's a brand-new blacktop jungle-deck-shaped longboard. Annnddd, it's been personally autographed by Christian Lotenza! Winner of last year's Monster Mayhem in Manitoba skate competition." Wyatt: "Sooo...yes?" ''[Caitlin's phone rings. She picks up.]'' Caitlin: "Hello? What? Okay." [She ends the call.] "The thief just used my credit card at the Von Ditch store!" [Caitlin and Jen slip on sunglasses and stand up.] Jen: "We gotta go, boys, just got the 411 on the 911 and when crime knocks on your door it's time to–" [Jonesy looks at her oddly.] Jen: "Long-distance relationships are hard. I miss Travis." Caitlin: "C'mon. Let's go." ''[Caitlin and Jen leave. Jude digs into his pizza again.]'' Wyatt: "Careful. That zit gets much bigger, any little thing could pop it." Jude: "Dude, you think? I gotta protect the Luckster at all costs!" Jonesy: "Hey, I've heard that Wayne's getting an army together to try and take the list. Jude, I need you to hide this somewhere. And for safety's sake, even I can't know where it is." Jude: "I'll hide it in the air vents." Jonesy: "Perfect!" Wyatt: "Um, now you know where it'll be." Jonesy: "Jude!" Jude: "No prob, I'll hide it somewhere else." [Suddenly, a disturbance attracts their attention.] Wyatt: "What the–" [Nikki is walking towards Jonesy in her tiny little outfit.] Jonesy: "Whoa. Wha–wow. Wow! Uh, hot!" Nikki: "You think so? Good. Because, as of right now, we are officially on brea–" Wayne: "There he is!" Jonesy: "Gotta go!" [Jonesy takes off, an angry mob in hot pursuit.] Jude: "Don't hurt my zit!" [He vacates his chair.] Nikki: [sitting down] "Ugh, I'm so mad at him right now! I wish I could smash that stupid PDA! Any idea where it is?" Wyatt: "Jude said he was going to hide it in the air vents." Nikki: "Air vents, got it!" [She storms off.] Wyatt: [calling after her] "But now he's gonna put it somewhere else!"

[Caitlin and Jen are checking up on the latest lead.] Jen: "So he was a male, that's an affirmative...he used the credit card, yes, we know that...and he signed the slip C. Cooke? Yes. Yes, he did. Okay Anything else you could tell us? Maybe a hypnotist could help you remember–" Melinda: "He said he was going to get something to eat." Caitlin: "Well then he's probably–" Jen: "Caitlin, wait. Something to eat. Something...to...eat. That could be a clue." Caitlin: [exasperated] "He's probably in the food court!" Jen: "Easy, sidekick. Not sure we have enough evidence to place him in the food court just yet." [to the cashier] "Were those his exact words? Something to eat?" [Caitlin grabs Jen and pulls her away.]

''[Nikki is crawling through the air ducts. She has gotten quite dirty from the crawl.]'' Nikki: "When I find this PDA, I'm gonna crush it in my hands." [passing a mousetrap] "Is that a mousetrap? What's that doing up here? Oh no! Mice!" ''[Nikki begins crawling through the vents faster. Eventually she falls out of the vents and into the ladies restroom.]'' Julie: [exiting a stall] "I can totally see your underwear." [She helps Nikki up.] Nikki: "That's because my boyfriend is a shallow pig who will never be capable of respecting women unless they're dressed like–like sleazy pop stars. If he can't tell me how he feels about me after all this time, maybe we should just break up." Julie: "So he didn't tell you that he thinks you're The One?" Nikki: "No-no-no wait. He told you that?" [Julie nods.] Nikki: "Whoa. The One?" [She grins.]

[The mob has moved to Things That Beep.] Wayne: "That list could change the lives of thousands of men." Darth: "Perhaps, but I've already claimed the mall hottie." Wayne: "Aren't you dating the taco girl?" Darth: "That is to whom I refer." Wayne: "Oh." [after a beat] "So you wanna help or what?" Darth: [pulling out a machine] "Secure his PDA, my M3 Ex-reader will read the list." Wayne: "It'll be just like in Revenge of Clones 6, where he strips the memories of his maker and then takes on his master's own life!" Darth: "Or when the level one guard claims the unguarded wand of Yoharran and transmogrifies?" Wayne: "I don't get to say this very often, but you've outgeeked me."

[Jude has been affixed with a protective collar.] Harold: "There, that should do it." Jude: "Rock on, dude! Not only will this protect my zit, I think it's given me bionic hearing." [He hears a coin drop.] "Whoa. I think someone just dropped a quarter." [He leaves.]

''[Jen and Caitlin scan the food court. Suddenly, Jen gasps.]'' Jen: "Perp at ten o'clock!" ''[Caitlin and Jen check the sketch against their suspect. It actually comes pretty close.]'' Vendor Girl: [looking at the credit card] "C. Cooke. What does the C stand for?" Credit Card Thief: "Cameron." Caitlin: [at the same time] "Caitlin!" Credit Card Thief: "Uh oh." Jen: "Citizen's arrest!" [to the cashier] "Call mall security. This card belongs to Caitlin Cooke!" [She takes the card back.] Caitlin: "There you are! I was so worried!" Credit Card Thief: "If I'd known you were so pretty, I never would have stolen from you." Caitlin: "Thanks! Are those the new pants you bought? They look great!" Jen: [grabbing Caitlin] "What are you doing?" Caitlin: "He's really cute! Maybe I shouldn't press charges." Jen: "This guy is a criminal!" Caitlin: "Being good-looking is not a crime." Credit Card Thief: "Can I buy you dinner sometime?" Jen: "Oh yeah! With whose credit card? Caitlin, this guy stole from you. He went on a shopping spree that should have been yours, and now he wants you to pay for it!" Caitlin: "You're right!" [Ron walks up.] "Book 'im, Ron! Sorry, hot stuff. Maybe there's something between us, and maybe there isn't. But I'm still sendin' ya over. If ya can't do the time, ya don't do the crime." ''[Ron leads the thief away. Jen and Caitlin start eating the fries he ordered.]'' Jen: "This was so much fun!"

''[Jude walks past a hardware store. One of the links holding up the giant hammer sign starts to weaken.]'' Jude: "There you are, shiny dude." [He bends to pick up the coin just as the hammer comes crashing down behind him.] "Dude? This zit just saved my life."

[Jonesy runs through the mall, still pursued by Wayne's crew.] Wayne: "Follow me men, follow me!"

[Jude is checking the spa for help.] Jude: "No no no, not a cream to shrink it, a cream to protect it. Don't you guys have some kind of zit shellac or anti-bursting foam?" ''[The person he's talking to looks at him disgustedly. Jude's phone rings.]'' Jude: "Hang on." [He realizes he'll have to use it in front of his face.] "Hello?" Jonesy: [being chased] "Bring the list to the fountain! Stat!" Jude: [hanging up] "Gotta run. But, if you could give my predicament some thought, I'd appreciate it."

[Jonesy is backed up to the railing over the fountain.] Jonesy: "Oh, man." Wayne: "We want the list, Jonesy." Jonesy: "I'm afraid I can't do that, Wayne. The list is too powerful to place in the hands of a man like you." Wayne: "Then prepare to do battle." ''[Wayne's mob charges Jonesy. Seeing no other choice, Jonesy leaps the rail and falls towards the fountain. Suddenly, his cape unfolds in midair as a pair of bat wings, allowing him to glide down gently–]'' Jonesy: "Ouch!" ''[–or to glide straight into a potted tree. Jonesy slumps to the ground and is greeted by Jude and the PDA.]'' Jude: "Dude." Jonesy: "Sweet!" [They hi-five.] Wayne: "This isn't over! We'll never stop until we get that list!" Jonesy: "I can never let that happen, Wayne! So you leave me no choice!" [Jonesy casts the PDA into the fountain, where it shorts out.] Wayne: "NOOOO! Why would you do that?!?" [He begins crying and his mob backs away from him.] "The horror. The horror."

''[Wyatt, Jonesy, and Jude are gathered in a darkened room. They are wearing brown robes and are huddled around a laptop.]'' Jonesy: "Wyatt, the backup on this laptop is the last copy of the list. Once it's on your PDA, I'm deleting it. Just remember, with power–" Wyatt: "Comes responsibility. I'll use it wisely." Nikki: "Ah ha!" [She, Jen, and Caitlin, who have just entered, begin coughing.] "This place reeks!" Jude: "How did you find us?" Jen: "Detective work. Following a trail is TV Cop Show 101." Caitlin: [coughing] "Can't–do it." [Jen and Caitlin exit the bathroom.] Nikki: "Okay. I'm sorry I made such a big deal before." [She walks over to Jonesy.] "You don't have to give up your list." Jonesy: "Already deleted it. I don't need it anymore. But I did change your entry before I handed it off to Wyatt." [to Wyatt] "Go ahead. Read it out loud." Wyatt: [reading] "'Nikki: She's...The One.' Whoa." Jonesy: "So..." Nikki: "So...I feel the same way. You two can go now." [Jude and Wyatt leave.] Jude: [leaving] "This has got to be the most romantic thing that's ever happened in here!" [Jonesy and Nikki kiss.] Jonesy: "Love the skirt, by the way." Nikki: "Yep, all guys do." Jonesy: "Whoa, which guys?!? How many we talkin'?!?"

[The drawing is about to happen.] Jude: "Heads up! Watch the zit." Wyatt: [hi-fiving him] "You got this!" Jonesy: [hi-fiving him] "Go, Jude!" Caitlin: [hi-fiving him] "Good luck!" Skater: "Time for the draw. And the winner is..." Jude: "Come on, lucky zit!" Skater: [drawing a card] "Shay Walker." Shay Walker: "That's me." [He begins to pump his fists in celebration.] Jude: [in slow-mo] "NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO–" ''[Shane's elbow collides with Jude's cone, and Jude's zit pops, showering the line with pus. Everyone voices their disgust.]'' Jude: "Sorry."