Quit It/Script

[A gigantic sale is going on inside the Khaki Barn.] Kristen: [walking around] "Have a Khaki Day! Have a Khaki Day! Khaki Day!" Kirsten: [to a customer] "Here's your flocked hoodie! Capris? Petite line?" Kristen: [throwing some clothes down] "Ooh, my arms are burning!" Kirsten: "Stop, drop and roll!" [Both throw themselves to the ground and start rolling.] Chrissy: [furiously working the register] "Nikki? Oh, where is she?!?" ''[Nikki is napping in a changing room. Suddenly, Chrissy kicks the door open.]'' Nikki: [waking up] "Huh? Break time already?" Chrissy: "Have you forgotten that today is our biggest sale of the year?" Nikki: "Of course not. Why do you think I'm hiding back here?" ''[Chrissy begins to growl. She has a look of frighteningly excessive anger in her eyes.]'' Nikki: "Uh, Chrissy? You okay?"

[Nikki has been given a sandwich board and forced to stand outside the Khaki Barn.] Nikki: "Stupid–wooden torture device." [Stanley shoots her.] "Hey! Stop it!" [Nikki topples to the ground.] "Ugh, kill me now."

''The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is Quit it!''

[Caitlin and Jen are walking through the mall.] Caitlin: "I can't wait to get to the Khaki Barn! Sale prices plus Nikki's discount equals major shoppage." Jen: [checking her cell phone] "Aww! Travis just sent me another picture. It sucks that he's away training, but the long distance thing is kinda romantic." [They come across a still downed Nikki.] "Nikki!" [Jen and Caitlin help Nikki up.] Jen: "What happened?" Nikki: [angry] "Chrissy happened!" ''[The guys walk up. Jude is laughing.]'' Jude: "Dude. You're a giant sandwich." Nikki: "Yeah, yeah, laugh it up." Chrissy: [appearing out of nowhere with Kristen and Kirsten] "Well? Have you learned your lesson?" Nikki: "You know what?" [removing the board] "I have. Take your sandwich board and eat it!" [The Clones gasp as Nikki flings the board to the ground.] Nikki: "I quit!" [Everyone gasps.] Jude: "Whoa."

[Most of the gang walk past the fountain.] Jen: "I can't believe you quit your job." Nikki: "I know! I'm free!" [They sit down on a bench.] "No more Chrissy, no more Clones, no more EEEE!" [Everyone covers their ears at Nikki's shrill screech.] Caitlin: "How will I ever shop there again without your discount?" Nikki: "I'm sure you'll manage somehow." Jen: "How will you manage without a job?" Nikki: "Oh yeah. That." Wyatt: "Burger McFlipster's is hiring." Nikki: "Thanks, but there's no way I'm working with Wayne. Bleuggh." Jen: "I don't think there are job openings anywhere in the mall." Caitlin: "Ooh! One of those cooking stores is opening on the third level." Jen: "They're opening a Counter Measures? You have to apply there!" Nikki: "Mmm, I dunno. Me and cooking don't exactly go hand in hand." Jude: [skating up] "Dudes! You gotta come quick! Rock Maniac is in!" Jonesy: "Awesome!" Jen: "What's Rock Maniac?" Jonesy: "Only the best game ever invented!" Wyatt: "You mean that musical abomination where gamers delude themselves into thinking they can really play music?" Jude: "That's the one, bro!" Nikki: "Well, have fun gaming. I'm gonna go humiliate myself at a cooking store." Jen: "I'll come along for moral support." Jude: [air guitaring] "Weow weow we weow!" Wyatt: "I'm gonna get a coffee. Maybe I'll catch up with you later." Jude: "Someone's gotta rock with me, dudes! You can't play it alone." Jonesy: "Just try to keep me away!" Caitlin: "Don't you have a new job to go to?" Jonesy: "Nope, already fired."

[Jen and Nikki walk through the new cooking store.] Jen: "Mmm, it smells so good in here! Ooh, baking tutorials!" [She gasps.] "I should bake a care package for Travis! Our two-week anniversary is coming up." [A woman strides by.] Nikki: [sighing] "Here goes nothing." [to the woman] "Excuse me? Are you still hiring?" Morty: "We have several openings in the baking department. But are you sure you're qualified?" Nikki: [happily] "Not a b–" [Jen elbows her.] "Ow!" Jen: "Nikki is an amazing baker. She'll be a model employee. I personally guarantee it." Morty: "Well, we are woefully understaffed." [holding out a book] "Here's our handbook. All employees start on probation." Nikki: "Okay, this is crazy, I can't–" Jen: [reading the handbook] "We offer staff a stock lounge, private restrooms, and a starting pay of double minimum wage." [surprised] "What?" Nikki: "Let's get baking!"

[Wyatt and a girl are waiting for coffee at Grind Me.] Barista: "Who ordered the Colossal Organic Smotchulan Roast black?" Wyatt and Lacey: "Me!" [surprised] "Oh!" Lacey: "I thought I was the only one around here who liked my beans organic." Wyatt: "If it isn't pure, I go without." Lacey: "Exactly! I'm Lacey. And you're cute." Wyatt: "People also call me Wyatt." Lacey: [checking her watch] "Oh no! I gotta go. Job interview." Wyatt: "Oh. Yeah, me too. I have to go mock my friends while they play rock star with little plastic controllers." Lacey: "You mean that video game? Uch. That thing's a crime against music." Wyatt: "That's what I said!" [He hands Lacey her coffee, and she giggles.] Lacey: [handing over a piece of paper] "Here's my number. Don't lose it!" [Lacey winks at Wyatt and walks out of the store.] Wyatt: "Thank you, caffeine addiction!" [He takes a long drag from his cup.]

''[Jonesy, Caitlin, and Jude are in the empty store. Jude has set up a stage on one end.]'' Caitlin: "Jude, it's a ghost town in here!" Jude: "I know, bra. No people, no stress. Just uninterrupted gaming action." Jonesy: "C'mon, c'mon, less chat and more rockin'." Jude: "'Kay, who wants to play what?" Jonesy: "Lead singer! Called it, I was born to be a frontman, check it!" [He pretends to be fronting a band.] "Wyatt, just in time!" [Wyatt walks in.] Wyatt: "What can I say? Today I am on my game." Caitlin: "Why do you have that goofy smile on your face?" [figuring it out] "You met someone!" Wyatt: "Her name's Lacey. We both like organic beans." Jonesy: "Wow, lame!" Wyatt: "And she also thinks this video game's a pathetic waste of time." Caitlin: "That's great, Wyatt! The best couples always have lots in common." Jude: "I know it goes against your penal code, or whatever, but do you want to rock the guitar anyway, dude?" Wyatt: "Why not? Nothing can bug me right now. But, obviously I'm gonna have an unfair advantage." Jonesy: "Caitlin, grab the sticks!" Caitlin: "No way! Drums cause bulging veins and unsightly pit stains." Wyatt: "Real drums, maybe. You'll never break a sweat doing this." Caitlin: [sitting behind the drum set] "I guess I could try. Ooh! I can watch myself in the gold mirrors!" Wyatt: "Uh, those are cymbals." Caitlin: "Whatever. I look good!" Jude: "Cool. And I'm on bass. The thinking man's guitar." Wyatt: "Not even gonna touch that one." Caitlin: "So, how do we play?" Jonesy: "Just watch the screen, and when the lights come up, hit the matching button on your controller." Wyatt: "Wooowww, just like in a real band." ''[The band starts playing. Caitlin's drumming is a little shaky.]'' Caitlin: [giggling] "I'm doing it!" Jude: [jamming] "Righteous!" Jonesy: "Whoa, Jude, nice! Wyatt, you're up!" [Wyatt starts playing the guitar and fails miserably.] Wyatt: "What th–it's not working." [The band fails on the strength of Wyatt's lousy guitar work.] Caitlin: "Aww!" Jude: [snickering] "You've gotta stop trying to play it like it's a guitar, dude." Wyatt: "But it is!" Jude: "Nah, bro. It's a controller." Caitlin: "Can I try the guitar this time? It'll really bring out the green in my eyes." Wyatt: "I'm telling you, it's broken!" Jude: "Let me set it to autodrum." [He fiddles with the settings.] "Okay, once more from the top!" ''[The band starts playing. Everything goes perfectly.]'' Wyatt: "What? Oh, come on!" Caitlin: "Eee! I'm a rock star!" [Wyatt growls.]

[Nikki is at a cooking station.] Nikki: "Okay. Baking. How hard can it be?" ''[She opens a bag of flour, and dust poofs into her face. She coughs.]'' "Ooh." [Noticing her boss, she waves.]

[More gamers have come in to watch the show.] Darth: "I say, what have we here? A rock and oh roll emulator of some kind?" Wyatt: "No. Just a way for deluded wannabes to pretend they have talent." Jonesy: "Get ready to bask in my mighty glow!" Wyatt: "Like I was saying." Jonesy: [in a very high-pitched voice] "Rock and roll, it's in my soul!" [normally] "What's up with this thing?" Wyatt: [laughing] "Oh yeah, that's cool." Jonesy: [helium-voiced] "Hear my name and light my flame!" [normally] "Okay, seriously?" Darth: [grabbing the mike and singing in a deep voice, like a gravel-voiced Jim Morrison] "Baby I'm driving you insane/Got my number in your brain." Jonesy: "What? No fair! How come he sounds heavy?" Wyatt: "Says here the mike is designed to enhance your natural singing ability. Guess you don't have any." Darth: "I must buy this game so I can serenade my spicy little taco girl all night long!" Jude: "Sorry, Jedi dude, it's not for sale." Wyatt: "He doesn't mean your copy, dude." Jude: "'Kay, but it's the only one I have." Jonesy: "You only ordered one copy of the hottest game of the year?" Jude: "You only need one copy to play it." Caitlin: "But what about selling it to your customers?" Jude: "Never had any before, bra." Pre-Teen Boy: "You've gotta be kidding me!" Jude: "Whoa whoa whoa, easy does it, gamey dudes!" Lacey: [walking in] "Hi Wyatt." [She is dressed exactly like Wyatt.] Wyatt: "Hi Lacey." [confused] "Nice...outfit." Lacey: "You too. So, I got the job." Wyatt: "Wow, congrats! Uh, these are my friends. Guys, this is Lacey." Caitlin: [not paying attention] "Uh huh. Ooh, high score, eee!" Jonesy: [helium-voiced] "Rock and roll–" [normally] "–come on!" Wyatt: "They're usually more receptive." Lacey: "I have to go anyway. My first shift's about to start. Later." [She kisses him and leaves.] Wyatt: "Hey, Caitlin? Is it possible for a couple to have too much in common?" Caitlin: "Huh? Oh, no. Common interests are crucial. The more the merrier." Wyatt: "If you say so."

[Jen is trying to fit a customer with skis when her phone rings.] Jen: "Hang on." [She leaves the customer in an uncomfortable position and answers her phone.] "Calling to gloat about your awesome new job?" Nikki: "Calling to panic, thanks! 'Cause I'm gonna get fired!" Jen: "C'mon, baking isn't that hard. You're using a mix, right?" Nikki: "Well, what's left of it." Jen: "So, what do the directions say." Nikki: "There are–directions?" Jen: "You really don't know how to bake." Nikki: "Ugh! Not the best time to say that!" Jen: "Sorry! Just stay calm and tell me what it says on the back of the bag." Nikki: "Okay. Add one cup water, blend until just moist, dollop into muffin pan." [Jen's customer crashes into something.] Penalty Box Customer: "Ow. Ow." Jen: "Gotta go. Just don't overwork the batter, you'll be fine!" [She hangs up.] Coach Halder: "Masterson!" Nikki: "Wait! Ugh!"

[Wyatt walks into work to find Lacey behind the counter in a McFlipster's uniform.] Lacey: "All juicy and red/Gonna flip this hamburger till one of us is dead/de-head/hoo-ooh/de-head/ooh-ooh." Wyatt: "Lacey? This is where you work now?" Lacey: "You too? Wow! I hope they don't have a policy against employees dating. Unless that's too weird for you." Wyatt: [uncomfortable] "No. That's not too weird."

Nikki: "Please don't suck, please don't suck." [She's about to open the oven.] Jen: "Hey, how's it going?" Nikki: "You tell me." [She pulls out a tin of misshapen muffins.] Jen: "Jizzh!" Nikki: "They're supposed to be our signature pumpkin muffins." Jen: "Those are pumpkins?" Nikki: "I am so fired." Jen: "Maybe they taste better than they look. I'm going in." [She takes a bite of one.] "Mmm! These aren't half bad." Morty: [groaning] "Ohh..." Nikki: "You okay, Morty?" Morty: "Constipated." Jen and Nikki: "Euch!" Morty: "Whenever I open a new branch, our laxative tea barely cuts through. Aah!" [She sees Nikki's muffins.] "I thought you said you could bake! The clock is ticking, Nicole!" Nikki: "Ugh!"

''[Jen and Nikki are waiting on a new batch of muffins. Jen's phone rings.]'' Jen: "Aw! It's from Travis! I can't wait to send him a special pumpkin delivery. Ooh, they're ready." [Jen reaches into the oven and pulls out a batch of perfectly-shaped muffins.] Nikki: "Wow. Hello, perfection! How did you do that?" Jen: "Better taste one just to be sure." [Jen and Nikki both take bites of a muffin and almost instantly spit them out.] Jen: "Ew! But I followed the recipe exactly!" [The oven beeps.] Nikki: "Well, let's see if I did any better." [She pulls out a batch of misshapen muffins.] "Even worse than last time!" Jen: [trying one] "At least yours taste good! Did you add something to boost the flavor?" Nikki: "You can add stuff?" ''[She tosses her muffins in the trash. Kristen and Kirsten walk in.]'' "Hey! This is a Clone-free zone!" Kristen: "You work here now? Lucky! Chrissy's so mean to us now that you're gone." Kirsten: "Yeah, it's so unfair! She's treating us like we're you!" Nikki: [sarcastic] "Wow, brutal." Kirsten: "I know! This morning she yelled so hard, she got a migraine and went home early." Nikki: "So–who's watching the store now?" [Kristen and Kirsten look at each other.] Kristen and Kirsten: "Bye!!!" ''[They run out of Counter Measures. Nikki sighs.]'' Nikki: "I've gotta get the hang of it here. I never want to go back to that."

[Wyatt is walking through the mall when he suddenly stops and gasps.] Wyatt: "Lacey?!?" [Lacey now has a guitar exactly like his and the exact same hairstyle.] Lacey: "Wyatt. Where ya headed?" Wyatt: "Uh, just need to talk to the guys about...uh...something..." Lacey: "Something like real music? Great! I'll come too." Wyatt: [worried] "O-k-k-kay."

''[The gaming is still going strong inside the game store. Jude is working the register.]'' Jude: "Sorry bro, like I said about a hundred times already, we don't have anymore copies of Rock Maniac." Wyatt: [nervously to Caitlin and Jonesy] "Hey guys. You remember Lacey." Caitlin: [paying no attention] "Careful with my guitar!" Wyatt: "Your guitar?" Caitlin: "I call it Tinkerbell. Hey! Not so rough, bub!" [The game dings.] Jonesy: "No! There goes my high score. This blows. Everyone's a musician now." Wyatt: "No, they're not! This is what a real musician sounds like." [Wyatt starts playing but soon stops as Lacey continues on her guitar.] Caitlin: [playing the game] "Hey, keep the racket down, I'm playing music over here!" Wyatt: "Ugh!" Lacey: "I have to go anyway." [She kisses him.] "See you at work!" [She leaves.] Wyatt: [uncomfortable] "Yeah." [worried] "Can't wait." [to Jonesy] "Okay, seriously, man! I need you to focus for a second! I'm having a major crisis here with Lacey!" Jonesy: "Don't be so neurotic, she likes you!" Wyatt: "Yeah, too much! Did you see her?" Jonesy: "Sure, she's got a head, some arms, maybe?" [to those onstage] "C'mon, hurry up, I got some frontin' to do!" [Wyatt grabs Jonesy and slaps him.] Wyatt: "Snap out of it!" Jonesy: "Ow! Whoa. You're right. I almost missed the coin-inducing opportunity right in front of me!" Wyatt: "What? No, I'm talking about Lacey!" Jonesy: "If people want to play so much, maybe they should pay so much." Wyatt: "I think that's called extortion." Jonesy: "Not if it's an entrance fee to a tournament! Who wants in on a Battle of the Rock Maniac Bands?" [The room cheers.] Wyatt: "Who wants to learn to play real guitar!" [The room falls silent.] Wyatt: "It's way cooler?" Julie: [offscreen] "Loser!"

''[Everyone but Jen is at the table. Wyatt is playing the guitar with his head down and Jonesy is wearing a scarf.]'' Nikki: "What's with the scarf?" Jonesy: [raspy] "Frontman tricks of the trade. Saving my voice and keeping the ol' pipes warm for tonight." Wyatt: [walking up] "So you can sound like a little girl?" Jonesy: "No, I've been practicing. Now I sound like a young woman." Nikki: "Hey Wyatt." [realizing something] "Uh, Wyatt?" ''[Lacey lifts her head. Nikki gasps.]'' Caitlin: "Huh?" Jonesy: "No way!" Jude: "Whoa." Wyatt: [shocked] "Lacey?!?" Lacey: "Hey. I've got a new song about that video game." [singing] "Plastic controls/Illusions of sound/You're killing real music/With every round." Wyatt: "That's my new song! Only better!" Lacey: "I know!" [She giggles and kisses him.] "Later!" [Lacey leaves.] Jonesy: "Okay, she's cuckoo." Wyatt: "Now you notice?" Caitlin: "I take it all back. Definitely too much in common." Jude: "Seriously bro, that is creepy." Jonesy: "At least she'll be easy to cut loose. Just dump her the way you'd like to be dumped." Wyatt: "Well, it won't be by text. Or by Jonesy." Caitlin: "Hey, where's Jen?" Nikki: "At Counter Measures again. She's obsessed with baking pumpkins for Travis. I should go before she drowns herself in a bowl of batter." Caitlin: [closing the Big Squeeze] "I'll come along for moral support." Nikki: "That's what Jen said!" [paranoid] "Then the sickness began."

''[Jen is furiously mixing batter in a bowl. She turns towards the oven.]'' Nikki: [behind her] "Jen, step away from the oven." Jen: "But I still need to send Travis a handmade gift for our anniversary!" Nikki: "You've only been together for two weeks!" Jen: "Caitlin, back me up." Caitlin: "Handmade gifts are the traditional two-week gesture." Jen: "See?!?" Caitlin: [picking up one of Jen's finished batches] "Why not send him these? How bad can they be?" ''[Caitlin takes a bite of a muffin and spits it out almost instantly. She retches.]'' Nikki: "These stupid pumpkins are impossible." Morty: [walking up] "Aah! My bowels are like concrete!" [She sets down a bag of laxatives.] "Nicole. Probation's over. Time for the big test. Make me a quadruple batch of pumpkins. It's a shame we don't have more customers to taste your pumpkins and rate them on these comment cards." Caitlin: "Ooh! You could bring some to the game store! There's a huge crowd down there!" [Nikki takes the comment cards and gets ready to bake.] Caitlin: "C'mon, Jen, let's go! The band could use a drummer." Nikki: "Yeah, I'll see you guys soon." Jen: "Good luck!" [Nikki picks up the mix and tosses it away, accidentally choosing the laxatives instead.]

[Nikki walks into the game shop with a bowl full of perfectly-shaped muffins.] Nikki: "Free pumpkins from Counter Measures, enough for everyone! Don't forget to fill out the comment cards!" ''[The muffins start disappearing. All of Nikki's friends except for the missing Wyatt take one.]'' Jen: "Mmm. You did it!" Nikki: "That's right. I conquered the pumpkin. Yes!" Jen: "What did you do differently?" Nikki: "No clue. But they look and taste right, so I'm not complaining." Jonesy: "Baby, you can bake for me anytime!"

''[Wyatt and Lacey are inside Cafe Coeur Brisé. Lacey seems to be mirroring Wyatt's every move.]'' Wyatt: "Okay." Lacey: [at the same time] "Oh, Wyatt." Wyatt and Lacey: "We need to talk. Uh...you first." Lacey: "I love you." Wyatt: [at the same time] "It's over." Wyatt and Lacey: "What?" Lacey: "You're breaking up with me?" Wyatt: "Sorry, I just can't take it anymore." Wyatt and Lacey: "I"m leaving. No, I'm leaving! AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!" [They run away from each other.]

Jonesy: "Rockers and Rockettes, welcome to the Gameatorium Battle of the Bands!" [The crowd cheers.] "For those about to rock, and have paid the entry fee, we salute you!" [The crowd cheers.] Jude: "Wicked awesome, dude!" [Julie and Darth are the first up.] Darth: [doing hard rock] "Dirty hands on my windowpane/Smelly sock and my feet to blame/Lovin' you was the death of me/Lovin' rock will set my people free, yeah!" [Next up are the Clones.] The Clones: [doing pop] "Don't be such a shy boy/I could make you my toy/You're gonna make me cry boy/If you don't say yes!" ''[The crowd boos them. Next up is Ron the Rent-a-Cop.]'' Ron: [doing rockabilly with Halder and Pokey] "Since my baby took off, I got a new place to hang/It's in the mall and down the hall, its door goes clank/I'm in the jail cell baby/I'm in the jail cell!/Back so achy/I could crrrryyyyy, yeah–c'mon, Coach! Let's teach these maggots how to play!" ''[The crowd cheers, but Jude and his friends look disgusted. Wyatt steps in.]'' Wyatt: [to Jude] "Hey. Any sign of Lacey?" Jude: "No." Wyatt: "Phew." Nikki: "On the downside, you just missed my first batch of perfect pumpkins." Wyatt: "Oh yeah? Congrats." [The current song ends.] Jonesy: "Okay guys, we're up!" [Jen, Jonesy, Caitlin, and Jen take the stage.] Jude: "Take it, Jen!" [Jen gets behind the drum kit and plays rather poorly.] Nikki: "Just imagine they're pumpkins!" [Jen angrily starts bashing the kit and gets into the groove.] Jude: "That's it bra, you got it now!" [The bass and guitar kick in.] Jonesy: [when the game dings] "New high score? Way to go, Jen!" [His stomach gurgles.] Caitlin: "I don't feel so good." [Around the room, everyone else's stomach is gurgling.] Jonesy: [worried] "Keep going, here comes my part!" [singing well] "Rock an–" [He farts.] "It's in my–" ''[He farts again. Jude farts as well. Both he and Caitlin stop playing.] "And lick my–" [Fart.]'' "I gotta hit the can, right now!" [All of the band except Jen vacate the stage.] Caitlin: "Ooh!" Jude: "Jonesy!" ''[It's not just the band feeling gastric pain, however. The same thing happens around the room.]'' Wyatt: [just fine as everyone vacates] "What was in those muffins?" Nikki: [realizing what must have happened] "Oh no!" [She leaves the store.] Jen: "Don't stop now, guys!" [The intestinal pressure hits her.] "Oh! Gross!" [She runs out of the store.]

[Nikki runs up to her boss, who is still at work.] Nikki: "Morty! I don't know what happened!" Morty: "Well I do. You put my laxative tea in your pumpkins! You're fired!" Nikki: "Ah...oh..." [She farts.] "Uh oh. A-any chance I could use the private washroom one last time?" [The laxatives start to hit Morty, and without saying anything, both head to the staff restrooms.]

[The gang are gathered around the table.] Jen: "I still can't believe you put laxative tea in the pumpkins." Nikki: "Best job, ever. I totally blew it." Jen: "Actually, we totally blew it." Jude: "But, no one's coming anywhere near my store now. Thanks, bra." Jonesy: [annoyed] "Yeah. Thanks for making me reimburse all those entry fees. Not cool." Caitlin: "So what did you end up making Travis for your anniversary?" Jen: "A laminated schedule of romantic things we can do by phone, email, or text. He's gonna love it!" Wyatt: [to Nikki] "If you're looking for a job, Lacey left Burger McFlipster's." Nikki: "I think it's best I stay away from food service for a while." [annoyed] "Which leaves me just one horrible, mind-numbing option."

[Kristen and Kirsten are folding clothes while Chrissy stands over them.] Nikki: "Chrissy? Don't suppose you're looking for a new employee." Chrissy: "Oh, so now you think you're good enough to be a Khaki staffer. Well, the staff bathroom is off-limits to newbies, and I'm only letting you back so I can yell at you all day long! Now fold those crop-ruffled cardigans! And if I find a single wrinkle, I'll make you do the whole shelf again!" [Kristen and Kirsten giggle with joy and hug each other.] Nikki: "Ugh, kill me now."