The Khaki Girl/Script

''[Jude is sitting calmly by the fountain. He spies Stanley trying to steal a nickel from it.]'' Jude: "That's it, little dude...c'mon...just a bit farther..." ''[Stanley overreaches, loses his balance, and topples into the fountain. Jude laughs.]'' Jude: "Excellent splashage!" ''[Jude looks across the fountain and sees a redhead laughing at the spectacle as well. He instantly falls in love. Starr sees him and falls in love as well. They head over to meet.]'' Jude: "You're the Vegan Island chick." Starr: "We met before, remember? You were sad because they sold that massage chair you were so into?" Jude: "Right! So, you like watching fountain diving too, huh?" Starr: "Oh, totally! It's so funny! I heard that last week, some dude on a skateboard forgot to stop, and he took a total wipeout in the water–I wish I'd seen it." Jude: [knowing he's the skateboard dude] "Soaked five innocent bystanders." Starr: "No way! So–so you want to go out sometime?" Jude: "Definitely! What're you doing tonight?" Starr: "Well there's that new surf movie coming out? Teeth in the Reef." Jude: "Whoa. It's like you're reading my mind, dude. Ette." Starr: "Great. Well, I guess I'll see you later." Jude: "Bye." [Starr leaves, and Jude giggles stupidly.]

''The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is The Khaki Girl''

''[Jason and Joanie are making out in Nikki's usual seat while Caitlin holds court at the Big Squeeze. There's nobody in line, so she's reading a magazine. Tricia and a boy approach.]'' Tricia: "Hey, I have an idea. Let's get some lemonade!" [faking surprise] "Caitlin! You know Brad, don't you?" Caitlin: "Hi." Brad: "Hey." Tricia: "You didn't tell me you got a job. Is it because you're embarrassed about that hideous uniform?" Caitlin: [whispering] "You know I work here! Why are you humiliating me in front of Brad?" Tricia: [whispering] "Because it's fun." [normally] "We'll have two large lemonades." Caitlin: "Coming right up." Tricia: [in a stage whisper] "If I had to wear a hat like that I'd feel like such a loser." Brad: "It is pretty bad." Tricia: "Aren't you doing an article for the online paper about part-time jobs? You should take a picture of Caitlin at hers!" [Caitlin tries to ignore them.] Brad: "Yeah, great idea. Thanks!" [He snaps a picture with his cell phone.] "Hopefully it'll make the front page." Caitlin: [putting the lemonades down] "Great. Here. Take them." Tricia: "Tou-chy. Seriously, what's her problem?" ''[Tricia giggles as they walk away, leaving a five behind to pay for the drinks. As soon as they leave, Caitlin angrily closes the lemon and goes for a walk to clear her mind.]''

''[Jude rides down an escalator. On the way, he passes Caitlin.]'' Jude: "Hey, Caitlin. Life is sweet, isn't it?" Caitlin: "Yeah right."

[Jen is on a penalty when Caitlin enters.] Caitlin: [entering the box] "Shove over, I need to talk." Jen: "What's up?" Caitlin: "Tricia is just a total pain in my butt, that's what! Why does she hate me? And why are you in here already? It's only 11:30." Jen: "You know that hockey player for the Leafs, Ronan? He was in here shopping for stick tape, and I told him he sucked." Crusher: "Boo!" Jen: "Well he did! I call three goals in a season pretty sucky!" [The buzzer screams to let her out.] "Finally."

[Caitlin and Jen walk into the Khaki Barn.] Jen: "You can't let her get to you." Caitlin: "I know, but it's so hard!" [Kristen, Kirsten, and Nikki are standing in a row, listening to a man talk.] Tom: "Gather around, my Khaki sisters! Tonight we crown our new spokesmodel of style, our emissary of ensembles, our Khaki Girl!" Kirsten: "Being Khaki Girl would be so huge, I think I'd like die of pride!" Kristen: "Can you die of that?" Nikki: "Uh, I wouldn't worry about that, Kirsten." Kristen: "I'm Kristen!" Tom: "Now now girls, I'm off for lunch. Try not to claw at each other until I get back. Capiche?" [Tom starts to leave but spots Caitlin.] "Hel-lo." [imagining a camera] "Love it! Love the hair, love the clothes, love you! You're signing up." Caitlin: "Me? For what?" Tom: "For Khaki Girl, silly! Cool pierced girl, give her the deets. I'm out of here." [He leaves.] Nikki: [coming over] "Uch. Every year, they pick a real girl to be on the posters." Jen: "You should enter. This is so your thing." Kristen: "The winner gets a five hundred dollar shopping spree at the Khaki Barn!" Caitlin: "Shut up, I love free clothes! Where do I sign?" ''[Nikki points her towards the sheet. Caitlin rushes over and jots her name down.]'' Caitlin: "Do you really think I could win?" Nikki: "You're a shoo-in." [Caitlin giggles happily.] Tricia: "Hey, lemonhead." [She steps up to them.] "Slumming it with your worker bee friends?" Caitlin: "Hi Tricia." Jen: "Actually, Caitlin's just been chosen to be the new Khaki Girl." Caitlin: "Well, not yet, but the regional manager liked me. And I get a free shopping spree!" Tricia: "Really?" [She strolls over and puts her name down, grinning smugly.] Caitlin: "You can't sign up, I'm the new Khaki Girl!" Tricia: [chuckling evilly] "Not anymore." Caitlin: "You're just entering because I'm into it!" Tricia: "That's not a very nice thing to say. It's true, but it's not very nice." [She chuckles.] "See you later, lemonhead." Nikki: "And you used to be friends with her?" [Kristen and Kirsten, meanwhile, are still discussing what might happen if they win.] Kristen: "So if you win, and you die of pride, can I have your halter top collection?" Kirsten: "Oh, of course you can!" Kristen: "I hope you die soon!" [The smile drops from Kirsten's face.] "Was that my outside voice?"

[Jude is at the table with a Jason standee wearing a blond female wig.] Jude: "I'm having a lovely time too. Can I kiss you?" [He leans in.] Jonesy: "Dude, you've gotta get a date." [changing the subject] "You're looking at the new food demonstrator for Roast Burkey Chunklets!" [switching to salesman mode] "A meat product made from roast beef and turkey, part white meat, part red, the perfect meal to serve your family." Jude: "Just gimme one." [He tries a chunklet.] Jonesy: "How about you store the extra meat at Stick It so I don't have to lug it up from storage in the basement?" Jude: "Cool!" [a second later] "Wait. What's in it for me?" Jonesy: "All the free chunklets you can eat?" Jude: [taking another] "Okay." [mouth full] "But you've got to help me with a little problem I'm having first. A guy problem." Jonesy: "You've come to the master of guy problems. Shoot." Jude: "Okay, dude. But you have to promise to keep it a secret." Jonesy: "Done." Jude: "Pinky swear?" [Jonesy raises an eyebrow.] Jude: "Fine. Forget it. So, I've got this date with Starr. Tonight." Jonesy: "Hot freaky vegan chick. Nice." Jude: "But here's the problem." [whispering] "I've never kissed a girl." Jonesy: "What was that?" Jude: [whispering] "I've never kissed a girl." Jonesy: "What?" Jude: [loudly] "I've never kissed a girl before!" ''[Jude's voice echoes and Jonesy laughs. He laughs so hard his soda comes out of his nose.]'' Jonesy: "Ow! Ow! Fizz out the nose!" Jude: "It's not funny, dude." Jonesy: [still laughing] "No you're right, it's not! It's pathetic!" Jude: "I really like her. What if I screw things up?" Jonesy: "Okay man, relax. Doctor Jonesy is in the house, and he's got a PhD in K-I-S-S-I-N-G." Jude: "Really?" Jonesy: "After one day with me, you'll be the make-out master." Jude: "Right." Jonesy: "The perfect kiss is like a work of art. It has to be gentle, yet firm; not too dry, but not slobbery. Spit swappage is encouraged." Jude: "Whoa, that sounds pretty...complicated." Jonesy: "No check it out, dude, it's easy!" [He starts kissing his hand.] Nikki: "What are you doing?" [The girls have arrived, and are looking at Jonesy oddly.] Jonesy: "Nothing! Can't a guy talk to his buddy and–lick sauce off his hand? Man!" Nikki: [rolling her eyes] "Oh, spare me. So, what's going on?" Jonesy: "Jude's got a date with a hottie tonight." Caitlin: "Aww...that is so great!" Wyatt: [walking up] "What smells so good over here and where can I get some?" ''[Jude passes him the box of Roast Burkey Chunklets. Everyone takes one except Caitlin.]'' Caitlin: "No thanks, my stomach's already in knots. Frenemies are so incredibly stressful." Jen: [pushing her forward] "Come on! We've got to get you ready to kick some Khaki butt!" Jonesy: "Now, about that kiss–" ''[Jude stops him. Jonesy looks over at Nikki.]'' "Oh, right. Do you mind?" Nikki: "Oh, what, this is some kind of guy-bonding thing? Fine. C'mon, Wyatt." Wyatt: "Hey! I'm a guy!" [Nikki narrows her eyes.] "Fine. Seeya guys." [They leave.] Jonesy: [resuming his lecture] "Okay. Using tongue is optional. Personally, I enjoy a little tonsil hockey now and then, but that's just me."

[At Stick It, Jonesy is finishing up his task of imparting all of his kissing wisdom unto Jude.] Jonesy: [loading meat into the freezer] "...and that's all there is to making out. Any questions?" Jude: "How do you know when a girl wants to be kissed?" Jonesy: "You'll know. She'll give you signs." Jude: "What kind of signs?" Jonesy: "Well, it's all about body language." [imitating the body language as he describes it] "She'll probably lean in towards you, maybe even touch you, then she'll part her lips slightly and close her eyes, and that's when you go in for the kill." [Jude, reading the signs on Jonesy, goes in for the kill.] Jonesy: "Gah! Dude, what're you kissing me for!?!?!" Jude: "I thought–I was reading the signs, man!!!" Jonesy: "So you know when to kiss the chick, dude!!!" Jonesy and Jude: [wiping their lips off] "Euch!" Jonesy: [after a pause] "Well. This is weird." Jude: "So–" Jonesy: "Never happened. I'm going back to the stand. Don't forget to crank the cool up on this baby." Jude: [patting it] "No worries, dude. Later." ''[Jonesy leaves. Jude shuts the lid, lowers the temperature inside, and goes to plug it in.]'' Starr: [peering over the counter] "Hi Jude. How's it going?" Jude: [dropping the plug] "Hey..." Starr: "What's happening?" Jude: "Nothin." [He grins.]

[Jude and Starr are sitting on the counter of Stick It, talking.] Starr: "...and that's why I never wear shoes. Unless I have to." Jude: "Wow. You've got a really cool way of looking at stuff." Jonesy: [offscreen] "Come and get 'em! Roast Burkey Chunklets, fresh and hot!" Starr: [rolling her eyes] "I should get back to Vegan Island before my customers give in to that Chunklet guy and eat meat again. Besides, my butt's getting numb?" Jude: "Cool. Later." [He waves goodbye.] "Now what was I doing?" [thinking but then giving up] "Oh well." [The freezer is still unplugged.]

[Tom is checking out Caitlin and Tricia, trying to decide.] Caitlin: [whispering] "How long do you think he'll take?" Nikki: "Well, it's down to just you and two-face over there. Shouldn't be much longer." [Kristen and Kirsten watch the proceedings unhappily, as they have been eliminated from competition.] Kirsten: "I can't believe he didn't pick us! We are so Khakiriffic!" Caitlin: [to Tricia] "Why are you ruining this for me?" Tricia: "Because I can." Caitlin: "You know I have much better shopping skills than you!" Tricia: [snorting, clearly wounded] "I could outshop you in my sleep." Caitlin: "Prove it." Tricia: "Fine. How about a shop-off? Tonight. One hour before closing." Jen: "Alright. But if Caitlin wins, you have to wear the lemon hat for one whole day." Tricia: "Cool. But if I win, lemonhead has to make me a free smoothie every time I'm in the mall for the next year. With a smile." Jen: [shaking her hand] "Deal!" Tricia: [to Tom] "Does this work for you?" Tom: "Are you kidding me? I can't wait!" Jen: [to Caitlin] "Don't worry. I'm going to help you train." Tricia: [leaving] "Good luck with that. Later, lemonhead." Caitlin: [worried, after Tricia leaves] "What did you just do?" Jen: "Don't worry! I've seen you shop. You were born to be Shopper Girl!" Caitlin: "Khaki Girl." Jen: "Whatever. We can win!" Caitlin: [sighing] "It's not just about the clothes, I can't let Tricia walk all over me again." Jen: "Just do what I say, and Khaki Girl is ours. C'mon! We're officially in training!" [Jen drags Caitlin off to train.]

[A long line of people are waiting in front of a stand to try the new concoction sweeping the nation.] Jonesy: "Meat bits! Get your meat bits here!" [Jude and Wyatt lug a box in.] "I think I've found my calling." [Jude puts the box on the counter, and Jonesy points to two tapes.] "Those are for you, buddy." Jude: "Are they dirty?" Jonesy: "Nope, it's First Love and Summer Crush." Jude: [dropping them] "Aw man, they're chick flicks!" Jonesy: "Exactly! Watch and learn. There's a reason chicks love these movies." Jude: "What is it?" Jonesy: "Dude, I don't know, I haven't seen them! But since you can't follow me on a date, they'll have to do." [Jen, Caitlin, and Nikki enter the back of the already tense line.] Kristen: "Nikki." Kirsten: "Nikki." Nikki: "Clones." Caitlin: "Mandy." Jen: "Gwen." Gwen: "Jen, Caitlin." Mandy: "Nikki. Caitlin." Caitlin: "Tricia." Tricia: "Caitlin. New loser friends of Caitlin." Nikki: "Ugh, you stuck up little bit–" Jonesy: "Okay, who wants some chunklets, huh?" [Kristen and Kirsten take their bags of food and leave.] Tricia: "I just wanted to make sure you knew who was going to win tonight." Caitlin: "Aren't you forgetting who used to be the superior shopper?" Mandy: "What's she talking about, Tricia?" Caitlin: "Before Tricia was friends with you guys, she used to shop with me." [Gwen and Mandy gasp.] "Does the Albatross and Finch one-time-only sidewalk sale ring a bell?" ''[In a flashback, the two are at the sale. They spy a pink top and go after it. Caitlin, more agile, is able to grab it. Tricia cries and pounds the table in the memory.]'' Caitlin: "I broke my wrist at that sale. But I got that seventy dollar pink sequined tank top for five dollars." Gwen: "Wow." Mandy: "Impressive." Caitlin: "Just bring your A-game." Tricia: "Oh I'll bring it. Let's go, girls." [She and her friends leave with their food.] Jen: "That was so intense. I didn't know you had it in you!" Caitlin: "There's a shopping spree on the line." ''[Caitlin goes to take a chunklet. Jen gasps and knocks it out of her friend's hand.]'' Jen: "No junk food before the shop off! Smoothies and protein bars only." Nikki: "More for me." [She eats one.] "You kick her skinny no-pink-tank-top butt!"

''[Caitlin trains at the Penalty Box. She walks on a treadmill, wrestles over clothes, practices swiping a credit card, and lifts several bags in preparation. Coach Halder cheers her on when she finishes.]'' Coach Halder: "Yeah! All right!"

[The Khaki Barn is set up for the competition.] Tom: "Alright girls, I want a clean match. A dropped bag or missed call is cause for disqualification. By the way, Tricia, fabulous shoes. Ready?"

''[The match begins. Nikki is for some reason bundled up. Caitlin makes the first move, demonstrating her acumen at carrying bags calmly. Tricia then shows that she can carry bags and drink water simultaneously.]'' Nikki: [shivering] "Why is it so insanely cold in here?" [Caitlin then shows she can carry bags, text, and eat ice cream all at the same time.] Nikki: "Wow, a hands-free triple combo." ''[Tricia then shows exactly how many bags she can carry using her arms, hands, and teeth. Tom gives her a thumbs-up. Soon after comes the final round. Tricia is being prepped for it by her friends.]'' Jude: [whispering] "What are they doing now?" Nikki: "It's down to the Free Shop event. Any improvised combination of skills will decide the winner." [Tricia slides a bag up her arm, grabs a sweater, and runs her credit card while calling her two friends.] Nikki: "Uh, that's a shoulder-sling hands-free conference-call credit-card-transaction into a walk-off receipt-grab-exit. Wow." ''[Caitlin's turn. She sighs and stands up.]'' Jen: "You can take her. That shoulder sling was off center and she knows it!" ''[Caitlin gets up. Grabbing several bags, she texts Tom, Nikki, Jen, and Tricia.]'' Nikki: [reading hers] "Good luck tonight." [to Jude] "It must be for you." Jude: "Wicked moves!" Tricia: [reading hers] "Nervous yet?" Gwen: [shocked] "A three-bag quadruple-text-message-call? I don't know if you can beat that!" Tricia: [snapping her phone shut] "That's it. You are so dead." ''[Tricia looks around. When she spies her water bottle, she gets an idea. Tricia moves her leg and knocks it over with her knee, spilling it in Caitlin's path. Jen gasps, seeing it but unable to stop what happens next: Caitlin walks into the puddle, slips, and falls, dropping everything.]'' Caitlin: "Noooooooo!!!" Tom: "Disqualified! Ladies and gentlemen, the new Khaki Girl is Tricia!" [The crowd cheers.] Jen: "But she–" [Her stomach starts cramping.] "Ugh!" Jude: "Bummer." [noticing the time] "I'm late for my date! Tell Caitlin I'm sorry, 'kay?" Nikki: "Sure." [She shivers.] Jen: [comforting Caitlin] "I saw what she did!" [stomach cramping] "You should've won!" Caitlin: "What difference does it make? She's the Khaki Girl now. She gets the shopping spree and she gets to humiliate me!" Nikki: [shivering] "Uch, I hate that girl!" Jen: "Ow. My stomach is killing me." Nikki: "I don't feel so hot either." [She puts her hand on Caitlin's shoulder for support.] Caitlin: "Nikki, you're ice cold!" Jen: "C'mon, let's get out of here." Caitlin: "I want to go drown myself in junk food." Jen: [stomach groaning] "Don't talk about food." Nikki: "Excuse me, I'm gonna go curl up and die."

[Jonesy is waiting for customers to sell more Roast Burkey Chunklets to when Wyatt walks up.] Wyatt: [clutching his stomach] "Something's wrong with me. I think it was something I ate. Something like your nasty chunklets!" Jonesy: "There's nothing wrong with my chunklets! Chunklets are good!" [as Wyatt leaves] "Everyone digs the chunklets!"

''[Nikki has holed up in the Khaki Barn employee washrooms. Kristen and Kirsten knock on the door.]'' Kirsten: "Nikki, open up, we really have to go!" Nikki: "There's another bathroom in this mall, find it!" [Her phone rings.] Jonesy: "Nik, Jonesy. My chunklets didn't make you sick, did they?" Nikki: [angry] "If your chunklets had anything to do with this, you're dead meat, buddy!" [She hangs up and resumes shivering.] Jonesy: "This can't be my fault! I did everything right this time! I marinated the meat, cooked it to standard, Jude refrigerated it–" [realizing] "Jude!"

[Jonesy rushes into the back of Stick It.] Jonesy: "Jude!" ''[Jonesy looks down and sees an unplugged cord. He follows it to the freezer. When he opens it up, a horrid stench wafts out.]'' Jonesy: [swiftly shutting the freezer] "God! It is the chunklets! JUDE!!!"

[Tricia is being photographed by Tom for the magazines and advertisements.] Tom: [as she poses] "Love it! Love it! Love you!" [Tricia's stomach rumbles, and she throws up all over the photographer.] Tom: "My shirt! It's ruined! But I love the color." ''[Tom's stomach rumbles, and he hurls as well. Gwen is next to toss her cookies, letting them fall all over Mandy's shirt; Mandy almost immediately Technicolor yawns all over Gwen. Kristen and Kirsten upchuck simultaneously, and Chrissy regurgitates. The Khaki Barn is turned into a puke-stained stinky hell.]''

''[A long line waits to use the men's bathroom. Coach Halder makes the front of the line, extremely flatulent.]'' Coach Halder: [farting] "This is crunch time. Now hold it. Stay in the game now." [gagging] "Oh." [farting] "Ooh."

[Jonesy rushes out of the back and sees the horror that has descended upon the mall.] Jonesy: "It's like an epidemic! Aah! Where's Jude?" [remembering] "His date!!!"

''[Jude is at the movies with Starr. Starr's hand rests lightly on his leg.]'' Jude's thoughts: ''Okay. She's giving me the head tilt and touching my knee.'' [Jude's stomach rumbles, but he ignores it.] Jude's thoughts: All the signs are here. [Jude gags.] Jude's thoughts: ''If I don't go for it, I might not get another chance. Okay. I'm going in.'' ''[Starr and Jude lean in to kiss. At the last second, Jude gags, mouth filling...]''

Starr: "HHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" [Starr runs through the theater screaming, face covered in vomit.] Jude: [racing after her] "Come back! I've never barfed on a girl before! Give me another chance!"

''[In the aftermath, the mall is a disaster area. Warning tape is everywhere, and vomit is all around. This scene is where Jen wakes up.]'' Jen: "Wha? Where is everybody?" [spotting a note on the Big Squeeze] "Huh?" [reading it] "Gone back to Khaki Barn. Good news. Will explain later. Caitlin."

''[Jen makes her way to the Khaki Barn. Inside, she finds Caitlin being photographed by Tom. Tricia lies on the floor in the fetal position.]'' Tom: "Love it! Love it!" Caitlin: [spotting her friend] "Jen! Tricia barfed on Tom, and now I get to be the Khaki Girl!" Jen: "All right!" Tricia: "It's so not fair. I won." [She bursts into tears.]

''[Jude is cleaning the back room of Stick It. He runs into Jonesy, who is angrily holding up the freezer cord.]'' Jude: "Oh, man! I knew I forgot something!" Jonesy: "Ron rent-a-cop says we could be under investigation for food poisoning! And I got fired! Again!" Jude: "Haven't we been punished enough? I puked! In my girlfriend's mouth! Well...she's not my girlfriend now..." Jonesy: "On the bright side, she did let you kiss her." Jude: "Hey yeah, that's true! Dude!" Jonesy: "Jude." [They hi-five.]

[Jen and Wyatt are sitting at the table, listening to Caitlin.] Caitlin: "...and my picture's gonna be up in the store! But only in the change rooms. Still, how lucky am I that I didn't eat any of those chunklets?" Wyatt: "I'll let you know when my fever breaks." ''[Wyatt perks up. Tricia stomps by, wearing the lemon hat.]'' Jen: "Hey Tricia, nice hat." ''[She and Wyatt giggle. Caitlin doesn't join in.] "Oh come on, Caitlin. She's so'' got it coming!" Caitlin: "I think I'll go easy on her. Sharing the shame of the lemon hat is humiliation enough." Wyatt: "My girl." Caitlin: "Hey, where's Nikki?" Wyatt: "She had to open the Khaki Barn today. Apparently the clones went looking for the washrooms yesterday and have been missing ever since." ''[Jen, Caitlin, and Wyatt gasp. Chrissy and Kirsten walk by, looking dead tired and unhappy.]'' Chrissy: "We never, ever, ever speak about this night again. Ever." Kirsten: "Oh, so never speaking about it."