Mr. and Mr. Perfect/Script

''[The gang are walking through the mall. The only one missing is Jude.]'' Caitlin: "So what are you gonna wear to your cousin's wedding this weekend?" Jen: "Who cares? I hate weddings!" Caitlin: "Weddings are so romantic! Happy shiny couples in modern-classic formalwear...what's not to love?" Jen: "How about getting stuck between Robbie and Diego at the kids '  table!" Caitlin: "Oh no." Jen: "Oh yeah! I can drive a car, but I can't sit at the grown-ups table!" Wyatt: "You can't really drive though. Unless it involves crashing." Jen: "Not the point! I'm sixteen! It's ridiculous!" Nikki: "Don't worry. Jonesy and I will keep you company." Jonesy: "Nope! I have a girlfriend, so I get to sit at the grown-up table. Look at me! I'm a grown-up! Finally, I can listen to boring music and go to bed early." Jen: "Oh, sure. Jonesy's all grown up, but once again Jen gets stuck with the nose-pickers and the food-throwers!" Caitlin: "Why are you talking about yourself in the third person?" Jen: "Because Jen can't stand another wedding at the kids' table, that's why!" Nikki: "You wouldn't have to sit there if you had a date though, right?" Jen: "Like that'll ever happen." Caitlin: "That's what friends are for! Right Nikki?" Nikki: "Hey, I like Jen, but not in that way." Caitlin: "No, I mean we can find a date for Jen." [to Jen] "Your very own Mr. Perfect!" Jen: "Assuming I haven't already run away to join the Foreign Legion!" Caitlin: "What's the Foreign Legion?" Jen: "Not sure. But, I think it has something to do with leaving the country, which is good enough for me!"

''The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is Mr. and Mr. Perfect''

''[Wyatt and Marlowe are walking past the fountain. They suddenly stop when they see Jude lounging in a beach chair, trying to get a tan, with his feet in a bucket of sand.]'' Wyatt: "Jude?" Jude: "Hey, Wyatt. Wyatt's ol' lady." Marlowe: "Hey. What's with the bucket?" Jude: "I'm on vacay, dudes." Wyatt: "Vacay?" Jude: "I haven't had a holiday in forever. So, I'm taking some mucho-needed R&R. Aaahh...this is the life." Marlowe: "Well, as long as you're happy." Jude: "I'll be happy once I get some tannage happening, dude." Wyatt: "Uh, Jude? You can't get a tan from fluorescent lights." Jude: "Watch me."

[Nikki is looking at a magazine.] Nikki: "I don't get why teenagers ever have to sit at the kids' table." Jonesy: "Who cares, as long as it's Jen and not us?" [holding up a shirt] "Is this me or what?" Nikki: "We have to find Jen a date for that wedding so she can sit with us." Jonesy: "Jen, Jen, Jen, what about me? I need a shirt for the wedding! What's your discount here, anyway?" Nikki: "We're a couple, Wyatt's with Marlowe, Caitlin's always got someone on the go, but Jen? Always single. It's not fair." Jonesy: "You're right. She's not that disgusting. There must be some dumb boob we can con into dating her." [Nikki throws her magazine at his head.] "Hey!" [A red-haired guy walks into the store.] Nikki: "Dax? Is that you?" Dax: "Nikki? I can't believe it." Nikki: "Jonesy, this is Dax. Dax, my boyfriend Jonesy." Dax: "Hey, good to meet you, man." Jonesy: "Hey, are you single?" Dax: "But Nikki just said that you were her boyfriend." Jonesy: "I am. We were just talking about a friend of ours who needs a date." Nikki: "Still do a lot of running?" Dax: "Yeah, I'm competing in a track-and-field meet next month." Nikki: "Perfect, you're gonna love Jen. She's really into sports too." Dax: "If this Jen girl's so great, why does she need help getting a date?" Jonesy: "Two words: low self-esteem." Nikki: "That's three words." Dax: "You guys really aren't selling it." Jonesy: "Jen works for the Penalty Box. How does a fifty percent discount on running shoes sound?" Dax: "Okay. I'll do it." [He leaves.] Jonesy: "See ya." [Nikki looks at him probingly.] "What? There are no lows I won't stoop to for Jen." Nikki: "That's sweet. Coach will still kill you."

[Ron walks through the mall.] Ron: "No littering!" [to two kids] "No running!" [to an elderly couple] "No coughing mister! And 'ey, watch that breathing!" ''[He stops. Yummy Mummy and Stanley are walking towards him. Ron adjusts his tie.]'' "Well, hello there, ma'am." Yummy Mummy: [offended] "Ma'am?!?" Ron: "I mean miss. Miss! How silly of me, I get confused when I'm around someone so beautiful." Yummy Mummy: [flattered] "Oh. Go on." Ron: "You smell very nice." [sniffing her] "Like–flowers." [still sniffing] "And oranges." [taking a big whiff] "And burning rubber!" [Yummy Mummy gasps and slaps him before walking away.] "But I love the scent of burning rubber in the morning!" [to Stanley] "Tell me, young man, what's your mother looking for in a romantic relationship?" [Stanley kicks Ron in the shin.] Stanley: "Loser!" [He follows his mother.] Wyatt: [singing to Marlowe] "Oh Marlowe can't you see/You're the only girl for me/I'd crawl through fire for you/But I hope you never ask me to/Oh, Marlowe." Marlowe: "Oh, Wyatt, that is the most romantic thing I've ever heard!" ''[Marlowe grabs her boyfriend and pulls him into a kiss. Ron, looking on, gets an idea.]''

[Caitlin is looking around the mall with binoculars.] Caitlin: "There's gotta be someone in the mall Jen can date." [seeing some jocks] "Nah. Too dumb." [seeing two nerds] "Ush! Too smart." [seeing a giant nose] "AAAH!" [She drops her binoculars and sees an attractive customer.] "Just right." Dougray: "One lemonade, beautiful." Caitlin: "Excellent choice, uh–" Dougray: "Dougray." Caitlin: "Want to date someone wonderful, Dougray?" Dougray: "I kind of just wanted a lemonade, not a whole relationship. No offense." Caitlin: "Oh, it's not for me. Although–why not me?" Dougray: "Sporty brunettes are more my speed." Caitlin: "Then I've got the perfect sporty brunette for you!" Dougray: "If she's so perfect, why are you pawning her off on guys you barely know?" Caitlin: "That's a great question, Dougray. Here's another. How would you like free lemonade for an entire year?" Dougray: "I'll do it."

[Ron peeks out from behind a potted tree.] Ron: [to himself] "Troubadour at ten o'clock." Wyatt: [humming] "Doot do do...do rum dum–" ''[He stops and looks at the tree. Seeing nothing, he moves on.]'' "Da da da..." Ron: [following him silently] "C'mon now, blasted scum. C'mon. Give me something I can work with." ''[Wyatt puts his empty coffee cup into a full trash bin. It rolls out. He reaches down and picks it up to throw it away again.]'' Ron: [appearing out of thin air] "Ha! No littering!" Wyatt: [shocked] "What'd I do?" Ron: "You're mine now, you good-for-nothing lawbreaker!" [He grins evilly.]

[Jen is stacking up shoeboxes when Caitlin walks in with Dougray in tow.] Caitlin: "Jen, I'd like you to meet somebody. This is Dougray. A snowboarder who loves lemonade and dancing at weddings. Get it? Weddings?" [She pushes Jen forward.] Dougray: "Pleasure's all mine, beautiful." Jen: [interested] "Oh. Hello." Jonesy: "You can stop whining now, Jen." [Nikki elbows him.] "Oof! I mean, say hello to the man of your dreams." Nikki: "This is my old friend Dax, a nationally acclaimed triathlete." Jonesy: "Hobbies include jogging in the rain and escorting dates to the adult table!" [He shoves Dougray aside.] "Eh? Eh?" Dax: "You're prettier than a junebug in spring." [He kisses Jen's hand.] Jen: "I have no idea what that means. But howdy." Caitlin: [helping Dougray up] "That's great you guys, but I've got this sitch totally under control." Jonesy: "Sure doesn't look that way." [Jen and Dax are gazing into each other's eyes.] Caitlin: "Hey!" [grabbing Jen] "Stop flirting with the wrong guy! Dougray is the guy for you." Jonesy: "Who says our guy is the wrong guy?" Caitlin: "Because we got here first!" Jonesy: "Which means it was probably a rush job!" Caitlin: [gasping] "That is so not true!" Dougray: "It was pretty quick." Caitlin: "Quiet, you!" Nikki: "All right, all right, everyone calm down! Clearly, Jen's got a decision to make. Who do you want to bring to the wedding?" Jen: "Uh...er...mmm...eee...ooh...stuff...um..." Caitlin: "I know how to settle this!" Jonesy: "A gladiator battle to the death?" [Dougray and Dax look at him, shocked.] Caitlin: "No. Sample dates! Jen goes out with both candidates, and makes her decision based on that." Jen: "Sounds good to me!" [grabbing the competitors] "Really, really good." [She giggles.] Dax: "I–guess I could do that." Dougray: "I do have the afternoon free." Jonesy: [to Dax] "It's in the bag, dude!" Caitlin: [to Dougray] "We're so gonna kick his sorry butt!"

[Wyatt is locked up in the jail cell.] Wyatt: "So–um–Ron? When are you gonna let me out of this cell?" Ron: "When you're ready to cooperate. Punk." Wyatt: "Cooperate with what? I still don't understand what the charges are!" Ron: "Resisting arrest! Failure to comply with authorities! Littering!" Wyatt: "I didn't litter! You can't just lock people up any time you feel like it! I have rights!" Ron: "You're in mall jail, junior miss. The rules of the outside world no longer apply." Wyatt: "Well, I'm sure my friends will be here any minute to bail me out."

[The dates, Jen, and the three other friends are still inside the Penalty Box.] Nikki: "Hey, has anyone seen Wyatt lately?" Caitlin: "No." Jonesy: "'Fraid not." Jen: "Nuh-uh." Dax: "Who?" Nikki: "Oh well. I'm sure he'll turn up." [Ron turns off the security monitor he was viewing the scene on and turns to Wyatt.] Ron: "Looks like your friends don't care." Wyatt: "T-that's not true! They're bound to come here. Eventually." Ron: [shrugging] "They aren't coming. You? Belong to me now, maggot. Get used to it."

''[Jude is still chilling by the fountain. He blows up an inflatable palm tree and sets it down by his chair. He inserts his earbuds and lowers his shades, and watches and listens as beach sounds play in his head.]'' Jude: [watching people go by] "Cool."

[Jen is sitting on a sofa inside Grind Me, waiting for her first date.] Jonesy: "Okay, Dax. Go get that girl! Bag that hottie! Land that lassie!" Nikki: "That is your stepsister, remember?" Jonesy: "So? I want to win." Dougray: "Good luck, man." Dax: "Thanks, bud." [They shake hands.] Caitlin: "Don't shake hands with the enemy!" Nikki: "I think you might be taking this 'competition' thing a little too seriously." Caitlin: "It's called a winning attitude! Look into it!" Jonesy: "We don't need to. 'Cause you're going down, loser!" [Jonesy and Caitlin push the dates into the ring.] Dougray: "Hey there, pretty lady." Jen: "Thanks for putting up with all of this, you guys." [Jonesy, Caitlin, and Nikki are sitting at a table, hiding their faces behind newspapers.] Dax: "It's worth it if it means rescuing a fair maiden like yourself from the kiddie table." Jen: "That is so sweet!" Nikki: "What'd I tell you? Dax is a lock." Jonesy: "It's like taking candy from a candy machine that's broken and spilling over with candy!" Dougray: [handing Jen some flowers] "These are for you." Jen: "Oh, Dougray! They're beautiful!" Nikki: [accusatory] "Who said you could bring props?" Caitlin: "All's fair in love and wedding receptions." Jen: "So...do either of you guys surf?" Dax: "Actually, I know this great spot. Really private, totally picturesque...but, I'm waiting to share it with the right girl." Jen: "Oh, that is so romantic." [A muffin beans Dax on the side of the head.] Dax: "Ooh! What the–" Jonesy and Nikki: "Caitlin!" Caitlin: "Oops." [She walks over, presumably to retrieve the muffin, and whispers to Dougray.] "Psst! Get Jen a drink, and don't cheap out!" [She leaves.] Dougray: "Jen, uh, I notice your cup is empty. Let me get you another coffee." Jen: "Thank you! That is so thoughtful!" Dougray: "Dax, can I get you anything?" Dax: "A glass of water would be great. I don't drink coffee. I believe life is the ultimate stimulant." Jen: "Me too! Well, I do now." ''[Dougray walks off to get the coffees. Suddenly, a leg trips him up.]'' Caitlin: "Hey! You tripped my guy!" Jen: "Caitlin? You're still here?" Jonesy: [standing up] "You beaned our guy in the head with a muffin first." Jen: "Jonesy? What are you doing here?" Jonesy: "Just trying to help you make the right–" [A muffin beans him.] "Ow!" Jen: "Stop attacking each other with baked goods! I've made my decision!" Caitlin: "Really?" Nikki: [zooming up] "So who's it gonna be?" Jen: "Dax!" Caitlin: [shocked] "What?" Dax: "Sweet." Nikki and Jonesy: [dancing] "Uh-huh! That's right! We did it! Oh yeah!" Caitlin: "It was 3 on 2! I demand a rematch!" Jen: [shaking hands with Dougray] "It was really nice to meet you, Dougray." Dougray: "Good luck, and I hope you have a good time at the wedding." ''[Dougray starts to walk out of the coffee shop. Suddenly, Caitlin grabs his sleeve.]'' Caitlin: "Where do you think you're going?" Dougray: "Um, home?" Caitlin: "I didn't raise you to be a quitter!" Dougray: "Your friend seems happy enough. Isn't that what you wanted?" Caitlin: "Back when I was young and foolish, maybe, but now? Now, I want more! Jonesy and Nikki won this battle, but we're gonna win the war!" ''[She grins crazily. Her right eye starts to twitch.]'' Dougray: "Um, your eye is twitching." [Caitlin slaps her hand over her twitching eye.] Caitlin: "No it isn't!"

[Jen, Jonesy, and Nikki are walking through the mall.] Jen: "Thanks again for setting me up with Dax, you guys. Now I can't wait to go to the wedding!" Jonesy: "And we don't have to worry about you being a third wheel all night!" [Nikki elbows him.] "Ow! I'm just sayin' what we're all thinkin'!" Jen: "And who knows? Weddings are pretty romantic. Maybe this date will turn into something more serious." Jonesy: "Ah, romance. Chicks always fall for that crap." Nikki: "That's right, ladies, the village idiot is taken." Jonesy: "You love my plainspoken charm." Nikki: "Is that what we're calling it now?" [The three pass Jude, who has against all odds managed to set up a beach party.] Jude: "Those barbecued stick-its smell awesome!" Jonesy: "Did you see the look on Caitlin's face when Jen picked Dax over her guy? She was all 'What?!?'" Nikki: [snickering] "She was pretty miffed." Jen: "I'm sure she's over it by now."

''[Caitlin is most definitely not over it. Instead, she's training Dougray with flashcards.]'' Dougray: "Basketball, Jen's favorite spectator sport! Sucker Punch, Jen's favorite band. Skis, Jen's uh–uh–favorite winter sport?" Caitlin: "No, chocolate skis, Jen's favorite sugary treat. Where's your head at?" Dougray: "Chocolate! Oh, right!" Caitlin: "Jen should be getting back from break any second now. Now get in there and step up your game. Are you in this or not? Let me hear you!" Dougray: "I'm in this." Caitlin: "Louder!" Dougray: "I'M IN THIS!"

[Ron is forcing Wyatt to listen to country music.] Country Singer: "I got one mule, one cart, and one good eye on the–" Wyatt: "AAAHHH!" DJ: "Up next, we got Ricky Yoko, with 'A Bag O' Chewin' Tobaccy Fer Two,' all on Country 92. Yee-haw!" Wyatt: "No! More! Country! I beg you!" Ron: "Huh? How's that, soap scum?" Wyatt: "You gotta let me outta here! The walls are closing in! I-I can't take it anymore!" Ron: "What will you do to get out, poopypants?" Wyatt: "Anything!" Ron: "Perfect." [He shuts off the radio.] Wyatt: "Ah, that's better." [Ron hands him his guitar through the cell bars.] "Why are you giving me my guitar?" Ron: [with a guitar of his own] "So you can teach me that love song you were singing for your girlfriend this morning. Now...how do you hold this thing?" Wyatt: "You mean–you've never played before?" Ron: "First time for everything. Hmm?" [He strums the untuned strings.] Wyatt: "I'm never getting out of here, am I." Ron: "Not with that attitude, mister!"

''[Dougray walks through the Penalty Box. Jen notices him.]'' Jen: "Dougray! What are you doing here?" Dougray: "Oh, hey, Jen. I forgot you worked here. I was just listening to the new Sucker Punch album." Jen: "You like Sucker Punch?" Dougray: "Sure. Doesn't everyone?" [offering some chocolates] "Chocolate ski?" Jen: [surprised] "You like chocolate skis?" Dougray: "I know. Weird, right?" Jen: "No way, they're great!" Dougray: "Hey, do you know anyone who likes college basketball?" Jen: [shocked] "You like college basketball?" Dougray: "I've got two tickets to the game next week–" [sighing] "–but no one to take." Jen: "I'll go!" Dougray: "Sorry, but I'm not the kind of guy who poaches other guys' girls. You are dating Dax now." Jen: "Not anymore! Want to go to a wedding with me this weekend?" Dougray: "For real?" Jen: "Wear a blue shirt. It'll match my dress." Caitlin: [in the background] "Yes!" Jen: [hearing her] "Who was that?" Caitlin: [quietly] "Nobody."

[Wyatt is trying to teach Ron to play.] Wyatt: "For the last time, this is the A chord!" ''[He plays it correctly. Ron tries to copy him and fails.]'' "AAAH! No, like this!" ''[He demonstrates again. Once again, Ron's attempt fails.]'' Ron: "AAAH! The strings are cutting into my fingers. They feel like lumps of ground meat!" Wyatt: "You have to build up calluses. See?" [He holds out his left hand for inspection.] Ron: "Gah! My back is killing me!" Wyatt: [sighing] "Playing for five hours straight will do that." [Ron tries to strum a chord again.] Ron: "AH! I haven't been tortured like this since the enemy rounded up my platoon!" Wyatt: "You want torture? Try sitting over here!" Ron: [having a flashback] "I won't give up my unit, you can torture me all you want." Wyatt: "What?" Ron: "RUN NOW! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" Wyatt: "Torture flashback. Hmm. That gives me an idea." [angry] "Gimme an A chord! Now!" [Ron attempts it and groans.] "Again!" [Ron attempts it again.] Ron: [in pain] "Curse you!" Wyatt: "Again!" [Ron plays it correctly.] Ron: [pained] "Ah, you evil sickos!!!" [He begins crying.] Wyatt: "Now we're getting somewhere! Again!" [Ron plays another good A chord.]

[The beach party has grown even larger, and Jude has somehow managed to procure a surfboard.] Jude: "Vacay rocks!" [He surfs down the escalator.] "Woohoohoo! Yeah!" [He lands on the fountain.] "Aw, yeah!"

[Nikki and Jonesy walk into the Penalty Box.] Jen: "Hey guys." Nikki: "We're not speaking to you." Jen: "O-kay?" Nikki: "Starting right after we finish yelling at you!" Jonesy: "How could you dump Dax for Dougray?" Nikki: "He was our guy!" Jonesy: "We liked him. A lot. A lot a lot!" Jen: "Look, it's not him, it's me. I just realized that Dougray and I have got more in common." Jonesy: "Caitlin must have put him up to it." Nikki: [sighing] "Oh, that little rat." Jonesy: "We'll fix her wagon!" Jen: "What does that even mean? I thought you guys just wanted me to have a date for the wedding!" Nikki: "Oh, please." Jen: "Well, if it makes you feel any better, I think I made a mistake. Dougray and I have everything in common, so it's totally boring." Jonesy: "Well, you can never go back to Dax." [sniffling] "Not after you broke our heart." Jen: "Come on, guys. I'm sorry." Nikki: "Too little, too late. Non-speaking begins now." ''[Nikki and Jonesy leave. Jen's shoulders sag.]'' Adam: [walking up to Jen] "Hey, are you okay? I saw those people yelling at you. Not cool." Jen: "Oh, them? Yeah, they're uh, special." Adam: "I'm Adam. And you're the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in a referee uniform." Jen: "Oh..." [blushing] "I'm Jen."

[Ron has finally learned how to play Wyatt's song.] Wyatt: "You're playing the song! You did it!" Ron: [standing up] "No, son. We did it. You sick tormentor! Thanks." Wyatt: "Glad I could help." Ron: "Well, you held up your part of the bargain." [He throws the cell door open.] "You're free to go." Wyatt: "Wow. Great! Thanks!" [He starts to leave, but stops.] Ron: "What's the matter, street meat?" Wyatt: "It's–crazy, but I was just starting to have fun." Ron: "Me too. Me too." [suddenly angry] "But, if you ever tell a living soul, no one will hear from you again! Got it?" [He closes the cell door on them.] Wyatt: "Anything else you want to learn to play?" Ron: "Do you know 'Stairway to Heaven?' I love that song." [Wyatt sighs.]

[Caitlin is cleaning the counter of the Big Squeeze.] Caitlin: "Turned out to be a great day, huh guys?" Jonesy: [muttering] "Whatever, I don't care it's..." Nikki: [mocking Caitlin] "Neb neb neb neb." [Jen walks up to her friends with Adam.] Jen: "Everybody, this is Adam. We just met and totally clicked! So I've decided to take him to the wedding instead." Caitlin: "What? How could you do that to me! Uh, I mean, Dougray, he's perfect!" Nikki: "No he isn't! Dax was perfect." Caitlin: "My guy can speak French." Jonesy: "Our guy can burp the alphabet!" Caitlin: "My guy can save lives!" Nikki: "Our guy can drive a speedboat!" Caitlin: "My guy can fly!" Jonesy: "Our guy can shoot lasers with his mind!" Jen: "Guys, quit it! You're gonna scare away–" [She realizes Adam left.] "Adam? Adam?" Caitlin: "Oopsie." Jen: "Oh, man. Any chance it isn't too late to get Dougray or Dax back?" ''[Her three friends look at each other. Jude walks up to the lemonade stand with a tan.]'' Jude: "Howdy, dudes and dudettes." Nikki: "Jude, you actually got a tan?" Jen: "But that's not possible! You've been under fluorescent lights all day!" Jude: "You see, the key to a good vaca: it's all in the mind." Caitlin: "A sunless, self-tanner-less tan? My hero!"

[The wedding is on.] Announcer: "A toast to the bride and groom!" Mr. Garcia, Emma, Jonesy, and Nikki: "To the bride and groom." Jen: [morosely raising her cup] "To the dumb ol' bride and groom." [Robbie and Diego dump their cups out on Jen.] "I hate weddings."

''[Everyone but Wyatt is tanning by the fountain. His vacationing idea has extended to the whole mall.]'' Caitlin: "Am I doing this right?" Jude: "Relax and feel the rays, bra." [Wyatt walks up to them.] Nikki: "Wyatt! Where have you been?" Jonesy: "We looked everywhere for you!" Wyatt: "Really?" Jonesy: "Nah, not really." Ron: [singing to Yummy Mummy] "Oh darlin', can't you see/You're the only girl for me/I'd crawl through fire for you/I just hope you never ask me to/Oh darlin'." Yummy Mummy: "Oh, Ron. That's the most romantic song I've ever heard." Nikki: "Hey, I know that song." Caitlin: "That's totally a Wyatt original!" Jen: "Have you been helping Ron score with Yummy Mummy?" Wyatt: "What? No! That's craz–well, yeah." Nikki: "Just as I thought. A total softie." Wyatt: "Guilty as charged." [Dax walks up to Jonesy.] Dax: "You promised me fifty percent off running shoes if I dated Jen." Dougray: [to Caitlin] "You promised me free lemonade for a year!" Jen: [shocked] "You guys offered bribes to date me?" Jonesy: "Hey, it worked, didn't it?" Nikki: "Uh, no, it didn't." Jonesy: "Oh. Right. Whatever."