Vote, Dude!/Script

[In the food court, Wayne, the Penalty Box customer, Yummy Mummy, and Stanley are all seen walking around; zoom into Nikki eating a carton of fries; Caitlin runs toward her while looking at her phone]

Caitlin: Nikki! I just made the list of top 20,000 influencers under 20!

[She squeals with glee; Nikki mimics her; Jen walks toward the table looking at her phone]

Jen: Hey, guys. Wanna know what I just did? I just looked up how to register to vote!

Caitlin: *gasp* Did I miss the vote for homecoming queen?

Jen: No! To vote vote!

[Nikki and Caitlin look at her confused]

Jen: In the election?

[Nikki and Caitlin are still confused]

Jen: We're 18 now! We can finally vote!

Nikki: Um, wasn't there an election two years ago?

Caitlin: Oh yeah, that's the one that made Wyatt cry. I didn't even cry that much when my Albatross & Finch credit card got revoked. Their tank tops are so fab-

Jen: *interrupting Caitlin* Anyway, this is for the midterms in November.

Nikki: *scoffs* November's months away!

Jen: Yeah, but you don't want to wait until the last minute to register.

Caitlin: Wow, you're really nailing this adulting thing, Jen. I forgot to feed my cat for a month, and now he's...

[She starts crying; Nikki hands her a napkin; Caitlin takes it and blows her nose; Wyatt walks toward them looking at his phone]

Wyatt: Have you seen what he's done today?

Nikki: Who?

Wyatt: Trump! He's repealing the gun restrictions! [He groans as he sits down] How many days until the midterms?

Jen: I have a counter on my phone.

Nikki: Okay, *to Jen* you are a huge nerd. *to Wyatt, while taking his coffee away* And you need to chill! You're making me stressed AF! [She gets up from her chair and walks over to the Squeeze and knocks on the exterior] Jude!

[The Squeeze opens and smoke billows out; Jude is seen and heard exhaling; he then coughs and fans the smoke out of his face]

Jude: 'Sup, dudes?

Nikki: I need a Squishy, stat!

Jude: You got it, duuuuuude.

Wyatt: Oh no. He's tweeted again! Now it's legal to shoot polar bears!

Nikki: Huh, I thought they'd at least protect the white bears.

Jen: So, we're all going to vote, right?

Nikki: Uh, count me out.

Wyatt: What? You were with us at the March for Our Lives! You have to vote!

Nikki: Actually, no, I don't. Free country, remember? I'm protesting.

[Wyatt facepalms himself]

Kirsten: Nikki! You're back! OMG, you look exactly the same!

Nikki: OMG! Drop dead!

Kirsten: Aw, I missed her bitchiness.

[She and Kristen laugh as they walk away; Jonesy walks to the table]

Jonesy: 'Sup, babe?

[He kisses Nikki]

Nikki: Aren't you supposed to be at work?

Jonesy: Nope, just got fired from the newsstand. Since when is eating a candy bar stealing?

Nikki: Huh, since always, Jonesy.

Jen: Okay, wait, Nikki, are you seriously not voting?

Nikki: What's the point? Democracy is broken. No one even debates anymore. All they care about is taking the other party down!

[Jonesy pulls out a pussyhat and puts it on]

Caitlin: Whoa, cute hat, Jonesy! I'm trying to find one in millennial pink.

Jen: Come on, Nikki. Look, even Jonesy's getting involved! Nice pussyhat. It's such a powerful statement.

Jonesy: Statement schmatement! This hat's a chick magnet!

[A girl walks by him; Jonesy looks at her and raises one of his eyebrows]

Jonesy: See?

Nikki: Um... *she snatches the pussyhat off Jonesy's head* I'm right here!

Jonesy: Chill, babe. You're my girl. Just keeping my options open.

Nikki: Ugh! That's it! We're done!

Jonesy: You're breaking up with me?

Nikki: Yeah, that's what "done" means!

Wyatt: So, you're voting, right?

Jonesy: Yep. I'm gonna make America great again!

[He puts a red hat with "MAGA" written on it on his head; Jen facepalms herself; Wyatt is seen pulling on his dreads]

Wyatt: What's... he wearing?

Jonesy: He promised to keep more money in the pocket of the working man.

Jen: You're not a working man.

Jonesy: But I will be, because he's creating jobs and putting America first. He's already reduced taxes.

Wyatt: Yeah, for the top 1 percent!

Jonesy: Dude, it's called tinkletown economics. Look it up.

Caitlin: Jonesy is making some good points.

Wyatt: No, he's not!

Jonesy: He solved Korea. East and West Korea are finally together again.

Wyatt: North and South.

Jonesy: Them too? See, he fixed all the Koreas!

Wyatt: *annoyed sigh* Okay, the rest of us really need to vote. Millennials are the largest group of voters now. We could swing an entire election!

Jude: Voila, dude.

Wyatt: Jude, you know I don't use straws. That's bad for the environment.

[Jude takes the straw out of the cup and throws it away]

Jude: All right. My bad.

Wyatt: But...

[The straw lands in the wastebasket]

Jen: Every election, even the midterms, can help change the direction of the country. What's important to you?

Wyatt: Rejoining the Paris Accord.

Jen: Good!

Caitlin: Finding sunglasses that don't make my head look so small.

Jen: Not a real issue!

Caitlin: Okay, my student debt is giving me nightmares. And by me, I mean Daddy.

Jen: Better! Jude?

Jude: Um... Guns are scary.

Jen: Yes, they are.

Nikki: Now he's starting a trade war with Canada! I mean, who doesn't like Canada?!

Jonesy: Well, I have zero concerns. The guy's awesome, he owns 30 golf courses, has three model wives, and tweets from a golden toilet.

Wyatt: Jonesy, he's destroying the country.

Jonesy: *imitating Wyatt with his hand* Blah, blah, blah. Hashtag fake news, hashtag bite me.

Jen: It's okay, Wyatt. Jonesy's entitled to his opinion and the best way to express that opinion is to vote.

Caitlin: But the election already happened. Don't we have to wait for 2020 now?

Jen: No. This is the midterm election and every election is super important!

Caitlin: Explain it to me like in Jonesy.

Jen: Okay, the party and power wants to pass laws, but they need them to be approved by the House and the Senate first.

Caitlin: Oh, kinda like getting a manager to approve your store return.

Jen: Yeah, okay, no.

Wyatt: What were you all doing during Intro to Poli Sci?

[Short pause]

Caitlin: Updating my new blog?

Nikki: Probably napping.

Jonesy: I took Poli Sci?

[Wyatt bangs his head against the lemon three times]

Jen: Doesn't anyone understand why this is so important?

Jude: I do. *stands up and clears throat* We live in a sweet country where every day when we wake up, we know we have a neighbor named Bill Rights. We have the right to life, puberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Getting to choose your government is a privilege, except those old dead guys with the long beards fought for. And if they were here now and not dead, they don't want us to be one big party instead of two parties fighting about who has the better music and munchies.

Kirsten: Oh, I wanna settle for the one big party!

Julie: Can I come?

Kirsten: Um... no.

Jude: So, voting's like giving our forefathers a great big hug and saying; "You can chill, we got it from here." So, fellow young people of the Earth, are you with me?

Everyone: Yes!

Jude: What are you going to do this January?

Wyatt: November.

Jude: This November?

Everyone: Vote! Vote! Vote! Vote!

[Jude jumps back down onto the floor]

Caitlin: Oh, he made so many feels! I'm totally voting. Who should I vote for?

Jen: No one should tell you to vote, Caitlin.

Wyatt: I will. I'll tell you!

Caitlin: Or... I could see who Ariana Grande is voting for and just vote for them.

Nikki: We're just baby adults. Little bugs on the windshield of the world. WHo's gonna listen to us?

Jen: Nikki, your vote counts as much as everyone else's.

[A siren whoops]

Ron the Rent-a-Cop: Attention punks: You are all loitering on mall property!

Jonesy: Oh my God! You're still alive?

Nikki: Uh, we aren't loitering. I'm a paying customer.

Jude: And I work here... I think.

Ron the Rent-a-Cop: You know what your problem is? You entitled millennial maggots don't know what it's like to be at war: to sleep in the ditches and crap in the woods with your bits hanging out for everyone to see.

Coach Halder: Agreed. In my day, the snowflakes wouldn't make it to halftime, but now they all get a participation trophy.

Jen: If you don't vote, you're letting those two determine your future. Is that what you want?

Jude: Harsh, dude.

Jonesy: Let's do this!

Nikki: Where do I sign up?

Caitlin: We're so woke!

[Darth Mall walks toward them]

Darth Mall: You doofuses know we can't vote in a U.S. election, right? We're Canadian!

Jen: Oh, right.

Wyatt: Wow, we really got caught up in that for a minute.

Jonesy: Ooh! *to Nikki* Does that mean we're still boyfriend/girlfriend then?

Nikki: Yeah, we'll give it some time.

Jonesy: Oh, come on! I'll give Caitlin the hat!

[He throws the pussyhat and the MAGA hat toward Caitlin]

Jonesy: Both of them!

[The camera zooms out; Caitlin puts the pussyhat on and starts taking selfies; Ron the Rent-a-Cop drives by]

Ron the Rent-a-Cop: Jackwagons.

[A card with "vote.gov" slides in from the right, with Jude standing behind the URL; he grins and gives a thumbs-up]