The Swami

The Swami is the 19th episode of the series. It aired on Teletoon in Canada on May 8, 2005, and on Cartoon Network in the United States on November 5, 2008.

Jonesy gets a job booking entertainment events for the mall, but when his first booking–an advice-giving guru–is too depressed to put on a show, he enlists Jude to pretend to be a swami.

Plot
Caitlin is having a busy day at work, with customers demanding quick, perfect service. Naturally, the continuous complaining from her customers and the long line she has to serve increase her stress levels, and eventually she snaps and shuts down the store completely, leaving the thirsty patrons to find refreshment elsewhere. The patrons do drift off, however, and after they've been gone for quite some time, Caitlin finds the courage to reopen the Big Squeeze.

When she does so, she gets a new customer. This customer, Jeff, is cute, and Caitlin immediately starts to hit on him. In doing so, however, she only drives him away, as all that Jeff wanted was a smoothie and he had to leave quickly due to being late. Caitlin is disappointed at these results, but with no customers she sets to cleaning up around the Big Squeeze.

While Caitlin is cleaning, Jonesy walks up and sticks several fliers to the store as part of his new job. After he walks away, Wyatt arrives and asks about the fliers. When Caitlin looks at them, she realizes that the fliers might contain the answer, as they are advertising a self-help guru's appearance at the mall. Although Wyatt is skeptical of the guru's power, Caitlin points out that her life can't get much worse–she works in a giant lemon, constantly embarrasses herself in front of cute guys, and sees no way that her life will get better quickly.

Jonesy, meanwhile, is having trouble at his job as an entertainment booker. The reason for his struggles is quite simple: the swami he booked is refusing to show up and perform due to a bout of depression. While Jonesy frets about needing to find a replacement, Jude tries to calm his friend down by uttering platitudes and interesting factoids. While these factoids do nothing to soothe Jonesy's worries, Jonesy soon realizes that Jude's statements, though not well thought out in the least, sound profound, and he enlists Jude to act as a substitute swami.

Because of this, Jude ends up onstage in front of a huge crowd that came to see him perform. The crowd is initially hostile, heckling Jude, but when Jude utters a simple yet odd statement they quiet down and begin to buy into Jude's act. As Jude continues making observations into the microphone, the crowd becomes convinced that Jude is indeed a swami, and Jonesy decides to take the act to the next level by having Jude answer questions. While Jude is initially reluctant to do so, his answers to the questions asked by various members of the crowd are all taken at face value–until Nikki steps up and asks Jude about his job at Stick It. However, Jude is saved from having to answer this question by Ron hauling Nikki away, and Caitlin then takes her place in order to ask what she should do in order to ask out a guy who doesn't know she's alive. Jude's suggestion is quite simple: she should just tell him that she's alive.

Jonesy halts the question-and-answer session at that point, and drags Jude backstage so that they can rush out a book of Swami Jude's wise sayings. Within an hour Jude has given Jonesy enough advice to fill a small tome, and Jonesy quickly prints out copies and sells them to his customers–which include Caitlin. While Jen and Nikki are skeptical that Jude's advice will do Caitlin any good, Caitlin is able to utilize to ask out Jeff, and sets up a date with him to go out to El Sporto's that night.

After acquiring her date, Caitlin walks away with a spring in her step and comes upon Wyatt, who is tentatively staring at a ladder. The reason for his worry is that he's scared of heights but has been enlisted to change the sign at Spin This. However, Caitlin manages to motivate him to go up the ladder using the wise words of Swami Jude; unfortunately, when Wyatt reaches the top of the ladder, he can't muster up the courage to climb down.

On her date, Caitlin once again attempts to use koans to entice Jeff. However, these statements only confuse her date, and he finds himself somewhat disturbed by the things Caitlin is saying in normal conversation. To make matters worse for Caitlin, when a waitress steals her sheet of helpful swami advice, she finds herself speechless, and decides to get help straight from the source.

Nikki, meanwhile, has found Wyatt up a ladder, and upon learning why Wyatt is atop a ladder has set off to find Jude. Jude is at El Sporto's, feeding lines to Caitlin through a transmitter and earpiece, but when Nikki shows up she drags Jude away. While doing so, Jude says things that transmit to Caitlin and convince her date that Caitlin is completely insane. As a result, he tries to leave, but Caitlin begs him to stay, along the way admitting that she was taking advice from the swami.

Upon hearing this, Jeff stops and points out that Jude isn't even a swami; Jude is actually a skater who works at Stick It. Caitlin confirms that she knew this, but suggests that maybe she's not crazy, but just kooky–perhaps in a good way. Jeff confirms this, and sits down again to finish the date.

Nikki drags Jude over to Wyatt and tries to get Jude to give good advice. However, although Jude is good at speaking koans off the top of his head to an audience, he is not good in an emergency–especially when his client knows him and recognizes his advice as Jude's normal persona. Upon hearing of Jude's failure, the crowd that has gathered begins to disperse, and word of Jude not being a good swami starts to circulate around the mall. This does nothing to help Wyatt, though, as he's still stuck on top of a ladder. When Nikki suggests that they call the fire department, Wyatt reluctantly accepts the suggestion even though he knows that it'll make him look like a wuss in front of Serena. He has one request, however: they should put on the new Jumping Snails album.

Upon hearing this suggestion, Nikki smirks and tells Wyatt that the album is horrible. Wyatt takes this as heresy, and begins to argue with Nikki, eventually coming down the ladder so he can speak to her face-to-face. When he does so, however, Nikki points out that he's no longer on the ladder. The realization that he's on the ground relieves Wyatt immensely, and he walks away happily.

There's still one loose end to tie up, though, and Jen goes to do it. When she checks in on Caitlin's date, however, she finds Caitlin and Jeff happily engaged in conversation and having a good time. Jen is happy to see this, and quietly slips away while Caitlin and Jeff continue to enjoy their meal and their date.

The next day, Jonesy has been fired from his job as an event booker. Caitlin is happy, however, as she's gotten another date with Jeff. Nikki, meanwhile, is just glad that nobody got hurt–except for Kristen and Kirsten, who attempted to skateboard down the escalator on Jude's advice despite having no skating experience whatsoever.

Quotes
Jude: Only punks get punked, man. Jonesy: Aren't spiritual dudes bound to, like, not do bad things, like cancel appearances? Jude: I dunno. Guess nobody's perfect. Jonesy: Focus, Jonesy, focus! What I need is somebody who can pretend to be a guru. Jude: You know what they say: "the best glimpse of paradise is in that second before you bail." You'll think of something. Jonesy: Someone who can say stupid stuff that sounds profound enough to fool the crowd. Jude: Hey, did you know that gerbils and hamsters can't have babies together, but they both like lettuce? Jonesy: (getting an idea) Wise words, Swami Jude. Jude: Thanks, I—oh-ho-ho, no way dude. Nikki: Ugh, she's too busy matching her shoes with her skirts! Jen: Nikki! Nikki: I'm kidding! Sort of. Caitlin: Good clothing can open doors, you know. Caitlin: Which one of those am I? (Jude appears on stage and sees the crowd.) Jude: Whoa! Caitlin, Jen and Nikki: Jude? Jude: (nervous) Uh, hey dudes. I am Swami Jude. Swami Bindi couldn't make it because he, uh, fell on his chakra, so he sent me instead 'cause I'm, uhh... Jonesy: (from the wings) His apprentice! Jude: His appendage! (Jonesy slaps his forehead. The crowd jeers.) It's, uh, cool to be here. Nikki: Jude, get off that stage right now! Jude: I uh... Nikki: Get off the stage! Jude: But life is like a skateboard park, and the dudes and chicks are merely skaters. Jonesy: That's it, buddy! More like that! Jude: I don't know anymore like that. I didn't even know I knew that one. Caitlin: That's so profound! Nikki: Here we go. Jen: Oh brother! Ron: I need backup. Large, hairy-backed man on the run. Jen: Why? Nikki: 'Cause if it was, everything would go horribly wrong after the commercial break. Jen: Yeah, good thing. Wyatt: Swami who? Caitlin? Hello? (The Clones arrive, injured thanks to Jude.) Kirsten: We hate you, Swami Jude! Kristen: Yeah, you suck! Nikki: Well, almost nobody.
 * Caitlin: AH! That's it, I can't take it anymore! Find your own juice!
 * Nikki: Uh huh. You know my policy. Whenever I hear you talk about pink things, I leave the area immediately.
 * Jonesy: Uuh! I can't believe Swami Bindi punked out on me.
 * Jen: Do you really think this guy has answers that you couldn't come up with on your own?
 * Jonesy: Liars, cheaters, lazy people, and general losers of all shapes and sizes, this is your day!
 * Jonesy: It is a pleasure to welcome the swami!
 * Coach Halder: Skateboard park is in the back, son!
 * Coach Halder: (running around shirtless) I'm a new man! Look at me now, world!
 * Caitlin: Hi, my name is Caitlin. I am alive!
 * Nikki: It's a good thing this isn't a TV show.
 * Caitlin: Thank you, Swami Jude.
 * Nikki: (to Jonesy) You're just lucky no one got hurt following his stupid advice.

Trivia
Reason for firing: Everyone found out that the guru he hired, Jude, wasn't a real guru. Shortly after, everyone who paid him demanded refunds.
 * Jonesy's job: Galleria Mall entertainment booker

Errors

 * When Wyatt was changing the letters on a sign for Spin This, there isn't a single letter written on the sign before and after he hangs it up.

Episode connections

 * Caitlin calls back to the episode "The (Almost) Graduate", where Jonesy intentionally got himself fired from Albatross & Finch when the Greeter Gods and Goddesses started harassing her.
 * The pink dress Caitlin wore in the episode "The Sushi Connection" reappears in this episode.

Cultural references

 * One of Jude's lines, "But life is like a skateboard park, and the dudes and chicks are merely skaters.", is derived from the quote "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players." from Shakespeare's play As You Like It.