Life Slaver/Script

Darth: [panting heavily] "I'll give you half-price on a scientific calculator. And throw in a protractor for free." [Darth is being dangled over a second-floor railing.] Jack: "And what would I do with a scientific calculator?" Darth: "Calculate complex second-order nonlinear ordinary differential equations." [Jack loosens his grip.] "AAAH! Or not."

''[Caitlin and Jen walk through the mall. Caitlin has just gone shopping.]'' Caitlin: "I can't believe that little cami I love finally went on sale! It was like cami karma!" Jen: "Hottie alert. Two o'clock." [She points to the bully.] Caitlin: "Somebody's been working out." [The bully lifts his arm, revealing that he's working out with Darth.] Jen: "Yeah, doing bicep curls with Darth! He's gonna drop him!" Caitlin: "Hmmph." [She pulls Jen forward as she approaches the bully.] "Hey there, cutie patootie." ''[The bully turns to face Caitlin and drops Darth onto the second floor. Darth runs away.]'' Jack: "Hey there yourself. I'm Jack. Wanna grab a bite? Maybe make out in the photo booth?" Caitlin: "Um, no thanks." Jack: "What? Why not?" Caitlin: "For starters, bullying is so not cool! Plus, you're wearing socks with your sandals!" Caitlin and Jen: "Eww!" [Caitlin and Jen walk away from the bully.] Jen: "Poor Darth! I can't believe what a jerk that guy was!" Caitlin: "I know! Some people think they can get away with murder. I mean, please. It's either cold enough for socks or warm enough for sandals. Never both!"

''The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is Life Slaver''

''[The gang are sitting by the Big Squeeze. Darth walks up to the lemon.]'' Jonesy: "Hey, Darth. Change your pants yet?" [He laughs.] Wyatt: "We heard what happened." Jude: "Don't be embarrassed, dude. Even the Vader would've pooped his cape." Jen: "You okay, Darth?" Darth: "Affirmative, thank you for asking." [clearing his throat] "Caitlin. I am here to inform you that as you saved me from certain death, I am now your humble servant." Caitlin: "Ah, it was no biggie." Darth: "Oh, but it was. And as a valiant Jedi knight, I am now at your service." Caitlin: "I'd really rather not make a big deal out of this, okay Darth?" Darth: "I'm afraid that's not possible. I will not leave your side until my debt has been repaid." [He dives behind the counter.] "Uuh! Aah!" [using his inhaler] "Don't worry. You won't even notice I'm here." [Jonesy and Nikki share a look.] Darth: [panting] "I promise."

[Caitlin is standing around at work, bored, while Darth waits behind her with a lightsaber.] Jen: "Caitlin, incoming hottie." [Caitlin shoves Darth under the counter.] Cute Guy: "Hey." [Darth rises up, takes a hit from his inhaler, and smiles.] Darth: "Greetings, hottie." [fixing a drink] "May I interest you in a citrus fruit beverage to quench your thirst and soothe your olfactory senses?" ''[Jen slaps her forehead. The guy backs away slowly.]'' Caitlin: "Wait! Come back!" [looking at Darth] "How long did you say you have to be my loyal protector?" Darth: "Until I have successfully averted your death." ''[Darth sips his drink, and Caitlin groans. Jude is playing games on his computer.]'' Wyatt: "Didn't your parents get you that laptop so you could score better grades in school?" Jude: "Uh-huh." Nikki: "And how's that working for you?" Jude: "Wicked! My scores for Online Doom Squadron have, like, tripled." Jen: "Can I check my email? My snowboarding coach is announcing our new team captain, aka moi." Jonesy: "Hmm. Confident much?" [Jen types for a bit.] Nikki: "Anything?" Jen: "Just mass emails. Delete, delete, de-lete!" Wyatt: "You don't even read them?" Jen: "Why would I? This one says I have to forward it to a hundred people or suffer bad luck forever. Delete." Jude: "Whoa. Shouldn't you do what the email says?" Jen: "I don't have a hundred addresses. I wouldn't forward it if I did. People who send those things are annoying!" Jonesy: "I do." Jen: "I rest my case. Besides, you can't get bad luck from an email." [Jen slides the laptop back to Jude and inadvertently spills her coffee on her lap.] Jen: "Ow! Darn." Jude: "You sure about that, bra?" Jen: "Uh-huh. I'm also sure I'm late for work. Catch you later!" [She leaves.] Caitlin: "Bye." Nikki: "See ya." [Jen bumps into something.] Jen: "Ow!" Wyatt: "There goes disaster."

''[Caitlin walks into the girls' bathroom. Darth tries to follow her in.]'' Caitlin: "Darth! You cannot come into the washroom with me!" Darth: "But seventy percent of accidents in the home occur in the–" Caitlin: "Stay." [She walks into the restroom.] Darth: "Be careful in there!" ''[He guards the door. Julie walks up to him.]'' Julie: "Hey Darth. Care to join me for a bite? I've got some fresh ground beef with your name on it." Darth: "No can do. I'm waiting for someone." ''[Julie's eyes flicker to the sign on the door. She gasps.]'' Julie: "You're waiting for a girl? But–but I'm your girlfriend." Darth: "A fact I am very aware of, my little taco, but my Jedi forces are needed elsewhere." Julie: "Oh. But–" [almost crying] "Fine." ''[Julie walks away, hands over her eyes. She sneaks back silently to spy on Darth.]''

[Inside the restroom, Caitlin is looking for a way out.] Caitlin: "Oh, there's got to be another way out of here!" Jonesy: [voice carrying through the vents] "Did you know that people fart like up to fifteen times a day?" Jude: "Dude, I'm at like twenty-two." [He farts and chuckles.] "Twenty-three." Caitlin: [calling to the vent] "Jonesy? Jude? Is that you?" Jude: "I think it's the ghost of Caitlin! Darth must have failed to protect her!" Caitlin: "I'm fine, Jude. I mean, I need help! Darth is waiting for me outside the washroom!" Jonesy: "We saw him. You gotta admit, the guy is dedicated." Caitlin: "That little Jedi Master's cramping my style." Jonesy: "Just let Darth save your life, and he'll leave you alone." Caitlin: "How? We're in the mall." Jude: "I have near-death experiences here all the time, bra." Jonesy: "But you'll probably have to fake yours." Caitlin: "You're the best! Thanks, guys!" ''[A rattling comes from the vent. Jude falls out of it, carrying a box.]'' Jude: "Thought I'd drop in for a visit!" [calling to Jonesy] "Dude! I found something in the air vents!" [Jude and Caitlin exit the washroom.] Darth: "Ahem. The sign on the door says women." Jude: "You can't believe everything you read, little dude." [He walks away.] Darth: [powering up his lightsaber] "It is safe to proceed." ''[Darth leads Caitlin away. Julie watches tearfully. Suddenly, a ball hits her.]'' Stanley: "What's your excuse?" Julie: [sniffling] "That girl stole my boyfriend." Stanley: "So knock her off!" [He shoots Julie.] "Pow!" Julie: "Ah, okay. Can I borrow your ball launcher?" [Stanley hands it over.] "It's on, sister!"

''[Darth is still guarding Caitlin. She is at work and on the phone with Wyatt.]'' Caitlin: [whispering] "Jonesy thinks if I pretend to let Darth save me he'll leave me alone." Wyatt: "What're you gonna do? Throw yourself down the stairs?" Caitlin: "Ooh! Good one!" Wyatt: [taken aback] "Uh, maybe you should start with something less painful. Just slip and fall or something." Caitlin: "Thanks Wyatt. Bye!" [She hangs up and looks over to Darth.] "Here Darth. You must be thirsty." [She accidentally-on-purpose spills the drink.] "Oops! Better wipe that up." [Caitlin steps into the drink and pretends to slip.] Caitlin: "Darth! Save me!" Julie: [hidden] "Step away from my man!" ''[Julie fires a shot. The shot hits a pitcher full of lemonade and spills it into the puddle Caitlin is on. Caitlin actually does slip and fall.]'' Caitlin: "No! Darth!" Darth: [helping Caitlin up] "I'm sorry." Julie: "Close enough!" ''[Julie hi-fives Stanley, and the two run off to plan the next attack. Ron sees it all.]'' Ron: "Hmm. Now what do we have here?"

''[Jude and Jonesy are inside Underground Video with Wayne. Jude is unpacking videos from the box he found.]'' Jonesy: "Those are seriously old videos, bro." Jude: "Which were hidden in an air vent. Anything hidden is worth finding, dude. It's treasure." Jonesy: [sitting down] "Everything hidden is not treasure. Jen hides her zits under makeup." Wayne: "I hide my overwhelming sense of insecurity behind heavily-laden sarcasm." ''[Jude and Jonesy look at Wayne, shocked. Wayne breaks into laughter.]'' Wayne: "Suckers!" ''[Jude puts the video in. A black-and-white image of the mall fizzles on the screen.]'' Wayne: "Looks like old store security tapes. Quite a treasure, Jude. Quite. A. Treasure." Jude: "I'm watching 'em, dudes." Wayne: "Yeah. The only thing more boring than hanging with the two of you is hanging with the two of you while watching that." [walking away] "See ya." Jonesy: [getting up] "I'm gonna jet too, buddy. See ya." ''[He leaves. Jude continues to watch.]''

''[Caitlin and Darth walk through the food court with trays of food. Julie and Stanley look out from behind a hiding place.]'' Stanley: "You get her this time! Pow!" Caitlin: [pushing her chair back] "Well, I guess we'll sit and eat." Darth: "Caitlin! Wait!" ''[He runs over to put Caitlin's chair under her. Julie fires and knocks the chair away.]'' Caitlin: [hitting the floor] "Ow! Darth, you failed me again." Darth: "I-I'll save you next time, I promise!" ''[Julie and Stanley hi-five before moving off again. Ron watches them go.]'' Ron: "Oh I smell trouble all right."

[Jonesy and Wyatt walk into Underground Video and find Jude still watching the tapes.] Jonesy: "Dude, are you seriously watching those? And–Wayne?!?!?" Wayne: "What? The kid in this video rocks! He's pulled some of the best pranks of the late twentieth century!" ''[Onscreen, the kid rides a scooter past a pyramid of softballs and manages to topple the pyramid without even touching it. An elderly rent-a-cop shakes his fist at the boy.]'' Jonesy: "He's got spunk, all right. Reminds me of, well, me." ''[Jen walks into the store, looking battered. She has a black eye and a lot of coffee on her sweatshirt.]'' Jen: "Hey Jude, can I check my email again?" ''[Without looking at Jen, Jude takes out his laptop and hands it over. He looks up after she takes it.]'' Jude: "Whoa, what happened, bra?" Jonesy: "You get hit by a license plate?" Jen: "Coach gave me a five-minute penalty for being late. Then, I slammed my hand in the penalty box door, slipped on a pile of golf balls, skinned my knee, and got another five-minute foul!" Jonesy: "I guess somebody's wishing she forwarded a certain email this morning?" Jen: "Yes, I am having the worst day ever, but not because of some dumb email!" [She checks her inbox.] "Yes! And the new captain of the girls' snowboarding team is–" [Jen gasps in shock.] "KATHY WUTZ?!?" Jude: "Bummer, bra." Jonesy: "That sucks." [He turns back to the TV and laughs.] "Did you see that? The dude just rigged a fire hose to the water fountain!" [The rent-a-cop in the video comes up to the fountain to get a drink and takes a blast to the face.] Wyatt: "Nice." Wayne: "Classic!" Jonesy: "All right!" [He flings his arms wide in celebration, hitting Jen.] Jen: "Ow!" [Everything Jen has goes flying, and she ends up falling over the couch and landing under the table.] Jonesy: "Not my fault. It was the email." [The table collapses onto Jen.] Wyatt: "I've got a bunch of addresses I can send you." Wayne: "I've got forty on my customer mailing list. I'll give you those if you get me another fifty." Jen: [sighing] "Deal."

[Caitlin is still being followed by Darth.] Caitlin: [on the phone] "Darth keeps messing up, Wyatt! There's got to be another way to ditch him!" [Julie and Stanley are hidden behind a paper at the fountain.] Julie: "We do it my way this time!" [Julie sticks out a leg and trips Caitlin, who goes tumbling into the fountain.] Caitlin: [faking drowning] "Save me, Darth!" Darth: "I have a recurring ear infection and no water wings! And my nose plugs!" [Caitlin gets up and stomps out of the fountain.] Caitlin: "Worst Jedi ever!" ''[Darth follows Caitlin. Julie and Stanley watch them, giggling. Ron watches them as well on a security monitor.]'' Ron: "What do we have here?" [hissing] "You're mine, Taco."

''[Caitlin is fixing a lemon drink. She looks up and sees Jen, looking bruised and battered.]'' Caitlin: [shocked] "What happened, Jen?" Jen: "I deleted a forward I was supposed to send to a hundred people or suffer bad luck forever." Caitlin: "Bummer." Jen: "Tell me about it! How's it going with Darth?" Caitlin: "I think I need a new strategy." ''[Darth is still standing guard. Julie watches as Stanley loads the gun with meat.]'' Julie: "Why is Darth still with that floozie? I think I need a new strategy." Stanley: "If you can't beat her, join her! Heh!" [He shoots meat onto Julie's taco hat.] Julie: "I can be a damsel in distress too!" ''[Back at the Big Squeeze, Darth is patrolling. Caitlin picks up her phone and calls Jonesy.]'' Jonesy: "Jonesy here." Caitlin: "I've tried everything, but Darth still hasn't saved me!" Jonesy: "Caitlin? You know, you didn't actually save Darth's life. He just would've been maimed, not killed." Caitlin: "Really?" Jonesy: "Heck yes! So Darth just needs to help you out. And you need to make his life suck so bad he quits. Make him knit you socks or something." Caitlin: "Thanks, Jonesy, you're a genius!" Jonesy: "Tell me about it. Later." [He hangs up.] Nikki: [behind the couch] "I can't believe you guys are still watching that garbage." [to Jonesy] "Hey, wasn't today your first day at Boots & Bags?" Wayne: "You got a job at Boots & Bags?" [He laughs.] Jonesy: "First shift doesn't start till one." Nikki: "Yeah. It's four-thirty." Jonesy: "What? Aw, man, I am so fired!"

[Caitlin is explaining the situation to Darth.] Caitlin: "...so I didn't save your life. It was only the second floor." Darth: "Agreed. But I owe you a debt of gratitude. What can I do for you?" Caitlin: "You can knit me socks." [Darth blinks.] "And when you've done that, you can scrub down the lemon, reply to my emails, and organize my makeup. A Jedi's work is never done!" [Darth takes the yarn.]

[Jen is trying to get addresses.] Jen: "Win a dream vacation!" [to Yummy Mummy] "Don't forget your email address." ''[Yummy Mummy walks away, Stanley in tow. Stanley blows a raspberry at Jen.]'' Nikki: [walking up] "What's up? You get another job?" Jen: "I'm collecting addresses so that I can forward that awful email." Nikki: "Well whatever you do, don't forward it to me." Jen: [laughing] "As if!" ''[Nikki walks away. As soon as she's gone, Jen busily scribbles another address down.]'' Jen: "Crap!"

[Darth is working on the computer for Caitlin.] Darth: "You might like to know I made you a MyFace page. You had so many pictures that I posted them online. I listed your favorite stores–" Julie: [faintly] "Darth!" Darth: [not hearing her] "–your favorite magazines...what's your favorite color?" Caitlin: "Ooh! Um...teal!" Julie: [hanging onto an escalator] "Oh, Darth!" Darth: [not hearing Julie] "Teal it is!" Julie: [more desperate] "Oh, Darth, Darth, save me!" [She falls down the escalator.] "Ooh! Eee! Aah! Ooh! Ow!" [She lands, taco hat cracked.] "I think I broke my taco." Caitlin: "Oh, Darth, you're the best!" ''[Caitlin hugs Darth. Julie gets up, taco hat cracked and retainer bent, and stares angrily at Caitlin.]'' Julie: "It's. War."

[The guys are still watching the tapes and laughing.] Wayne: "Rabbits?" [Everyone laughs.] Jonesy: "Clever and devious. Finally, a role model I can aspire to." Wyatt: "Uh oh. Looks like the rent-a-cop's gonna get him." Jude: "Run, dude!" [The boy ends up being caught and taken to mall jail.] Wayne: "Busted." [Another man, not the rent-a-cop, walks onto the scene.] Jude: "Who's the new dude?" ''[The new dude gets the troublemaker out of jail. As he leaves, his face is caught in the camera's eye. Jonesy squeaks and runs over to the VCR, where he rewinds the tape.]'' Jonesy: [freaking out] "Did you see that! That was–was–" [He pauses the tape on the man's face.] "–Ron the Rent-a-Cop!" Wyatt: "It can't be. Those tapes are like thirty years old! That would make Ron, like, eighty! It must be Ron's dad." Jonesy: "That would make that kid–my–my hero–Ron the Rent-a-Cop?!?" ''[Jonesy stares straight ahead, shocked. Jen and Nikki walk up to Wayne with the clipboard.]'' Jen: "Here's your new mailing list. Finally scored my hundred email addresses!" Jonesy: "But I'm just like him. I'm a total prankster! WHAT IF I END UP LIKE THE RENT-A-COP?!?" Nikki: [staring] "What's with him?" Jen: "I'm saved!" Jonesy: "I'm doomed."

[A bunch of hot guys have gathered by the Big Squeeze.] Jen: "Where did all the hotties come from?" Jonesy: [moping] "I really am gonna turn into the rent-a-cop, aren't I." Nikki: "Darth made Caitlin a MyFace page. Guess she's gotten a lot of hits." Jen: "And a lot of hit-ons." [She giggles.] Caitlin: [to a jock] "Hi, can I get you something?" Jock: "Actually, I was hoping I could get you something." ''[He winks. Caitlin giggles.]'' Caitlin: "Oh, Darth! You saved my love life!" [She pulls Darth into a hug.] Darth: "Then my Jedi duty has been fulfilled." ''[From halfway across the food court, Julie spots them. Her eyes narrow.]'' Julie: "Get your hands off my man, you–you–lemon tart!" Caitlin: "Julie!" [nervous] "It's not what you think." Julie: "Oh yeah? Well let's see what you think about..." [spinning two hot sauce bottles] "WOOONNNNDEERRRR TACO!!!" [She squirts hot sauce onto Caitlin's apron.] Caitlin: "Ow! That burns!" Julie: "That's right. It's just you and me now. Taco against lemon." Caitlin: "Stop it!" [getting hit] "Ow! Ow!" ''[Julie fires at Caitlin with ruthless abandon. Everyone vacates the area. Caitlin hunkers lower in her stand.]'' Caitlin: "Aah! Do something, Darth!" Darth: "I can't! I'm allergic to hot sauce!" [He runs from the stand.] Caitlin: [annoyed] "He really is the worst Jedi ever." [She stands up and begins firing back with lemon juice.] "Back off Julie, you've got it all wrong. Darth was just–" [Her eyes get hit with hot sauce.] "AAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!" Julie: "Save it, sister!" ''[The fight moves on to the escalators, where they fight. Nikki, Jonesy, Jude, Jen, and Wyatt watch from the base.]'' Jonesy: "For once, I think I'm speechless." [Ron drives up in his security cart.] Jonesy: [praying] "Please don't let me turn out like the rent-a-cop. Please don't let me turn out like the rent-a-cop!" [Ron stops at the base of the escalator and speaks through a bullhorn.] Ron: "I've really got you this time, Taco! Put down the hot sauce! You're surrounded!" ''[A squirt of hot sauce splatters his shirt. Ron collapses.]'' "I've been hit! Man down! Man down!" Jonesy: [morose] "Me. Thirty years from now." [The fight tops the escalator and moves on to the second level.] Nikki: "Go Caitlin!"Julie: "Pucker up, lemonhead!" Darth: [stepping between them] "Enough!" ''[He gets it from the left and the right, ain't it crazy? That is to say, Julie's hot sauce sprays onto the right side of his glasses just as Caitlin's juice hits the left side.]'' Darth: "Aah! I can't see!" ''[Darth runs around blindly and hits the railing. He wobbles, about to fall.]'' Julie: "Darth!" [She grabs him and pulls him back to safety.] Darth: "Julie. Is that you?" Julie: "Oh, it's, it's me, Darth!" Darth: "You saved my life! I will remain by your side until I have reciprocated!" Julie: "Sounds super!" ''[Darth and Julie hug. On the first floor, Ron shakily climbs back up into his cart, clutching at his stained shirt.]'' Ron: [heavily] "This isn't over, Taco. I know where you work." [driving off] "Oh yes I do." [Jonesy clutches his face in shame.] Nikki: "Oh brother." [rolling her eyes] "You're not gonna turn into the rent-a-cop, okay? You already tried that, remember? You sucked and were heinously fired." Jonesy: "Thanks Nikki. You always know just what to say." [The five friends walk up to Caitlin.] Wyatt: "You better now, girls?" Caitlin: "Much." Jen: "Not so much. All those people I forwarded that email to have my address, and I got twenty-three new forwards!" Jude: "Better get that clipboard." Caitlin: "Hey, Darth, I was thinking. Yellow is such a pretty color. Could you update my MyFace page?" [She looks around.] "Darth?" [Darth is hand in hand with Julie.] "Darth!" [realizing he's gone] "Ah, rats."

Jude: "I think we missed a tape, dudes!" ''[Jude slides the tape in and presses play. The TV fizzles static and then resolves into a picture of Ron napping in his office while listening to music. The track on the radio ends, and Ron awakens when the new one starts playing. He looks from side to side and then starts bobbing his head in time with the beat. Soon, he gets up and starts dancing. Eventually, he decides his office doesn't have enough space, so Ron leaves it and begins dancing in the mall corridors, and later on the escalators. He pulls a few steps on the upward-moving escalator before walking, then running down it, still in time with the beat. Ron cavorts and leaps and skips through the food court until he gets to the Big Squeeze, where he leaps on the table where the teens usually sit and busts a few more moves. After a bit, though, he leaps off the table, and begins to strut, still in time with the music, before running to the Khaki Barn. Ron dances inside, grabs a mannequin, and swings it with him before looking at the camera. Ron then moves off to the elevators, which open their doors to let him in and take him upwards. When he comes out, he's still dancing, but Ron soon runs over to the second floor railing and dives off of it. Ron is okay, though, as he simply flies through the air and floats in front of the mall jumboscreen, smiling. After a few seconds, he flies down and plants his feet firmly on the ground just as the song ends. Ron walks back into his office, leans back in his chair, and begins sleeping again. The tape ends, and the TV fizzles static. Wayne, Wyatt, Jonesy, and Jude can do nothing but stare open-mouthed at what they just witnessed. Nikki walks up behind them.]'' Nikki: "Are you guys still watching those tapes?" [None of them can acknowledge her, as their minds are still blown.] Nikki: "Ugh! Give it up already!"