Going Underground/Script

''[The gang are sitting around the table. The only one missing is Wyatt.]'' Jen: "Do you guys realize we've all been working here for almost a year?" Nikki: [sighing] "There better be life beyond Khaki Barn, that's all I can say." Caitlin: "Oh c'mon, it hasn't been that bad." [stroking Talon's chin] "And this summer's gonna be awesome." Jude: "Yep. Another summer napping at Stick It sounds pretty sweet." Nikki: "Have you given up all pretense of doing any actual work?" Jude: "You got it." Jen: "Found the next store you're gonna get fired from yet, Jonesy?" Jonesy: "Actually, I have. Brace yourselves, people. Taj Mahome Video has just opened in the mall!" Jen: [gaping] "No way." Jude: "Don't tease me dude." Jonesy: "I tease you not! And employees get 50% off everything in the store." Talon: "Yeah, it's true. My brother works at the East End store and they have this sick employees-only movie theater." Jonesy: "It's like a little taste of heaven right here in the mall. And I'm gonna go get me some 'o that!" Jen: "Have you guys seen Wyatt today?" Nikki: "Not yet...I'm getting kind of worried about him." Caitlin: [explaining to Talon] "Serena just dumped Wyatt for Chad, and Wyatt's not taking it very well. He's kind of..." Jen: "Obsessed." [She sees Wyatt approaching.] "Op-stay alking-tay bout-ay arena-say!" Jude: [greeting Wyatt] "Hey, how's it going, dude?" Wyatt: [sighing] "I just don't get it. What does she see in that guy?" Jonesy: "Oh, man, are we gonna go there again?" Wyatt: "I can't help it. I miss her." Talon: "We better get studying." Caitlin: "Oh, right!" [She changes out of her uniform and puts on her backpack.] "We'll be over at Grind Me if anyone's looking for us." [She jerks her shoulder, and the pack hits Talon in his eye.] Talon: "Ow!" Caitlin: "Oh no! Are you okay?" Jonesy: "Nice swing, girl!" Caitlin: [leading him away] "I'm so sorry!" Talon: [pained] "It's okay, it's just my eye." Wyatt: [melancholy] "Grind Me. That's where we used to hang out." [He sighs and rises.] "Better get to work." Jen: "Is she gonna be there?" Wyatt: "Serena? Yeah. She's the manager." Jen: "I can't believe you're still working together." Nikki: "Seriously! Maybe that's why it's so hard for you to get over her." Jude: "Especially with that Chad dude." Wyatt: "I'm fine. Really. I can handle it."

''[Wyatt outside of a glass room in Spin This, watching Serena and Chad make out inside. He falls through the door.]'' Serena: "Wyatt! Um, what's up?" Wyatt: [getting up] "Nothing! Just, um, wondering if you, uh, wanted a, uh, coffee." Serena: "No thanks." Chad: "Yeah, I'd dig a coffee. Hook me up." ''[Wyatt unhappily leaves. As he goes, he looks back and sees them kissing inside the room. He bangs his head against a shelf of records.]''

''The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is Going Underground''

''[Wyatt makes his way back to Spin This carrying two coffees. Inside, Ax stops him.]'' Ax: "Yeah hey man, uh, do you have that song, uh, the one where the girl stomps on the guy's heart, and, um, uh, squishes it into the ground?" Wyatt: "Oh, that song. Hold on." [He goes over to Serena and Chad and gives Chad his coffee.] "Excuse me, Serena? This customer would like to find a song about a girl stomping a guy's heart, and I thought since you're so good at that that you might be able to help him." [to Ax, cheerfully] "Have a nice day."

''[Jonesy walks up to Taj Mahome Video. He sees two familiar-looking girls in line wearing wigs and sunglasses.]'' Jonesy: "Kristen! Kirsten! What's up, girls?" [They shush him.] Kirsten: [worried] "Jonesy! What are you doing here?" Jonesy: "Same thing as you, applying for a job." Kirsten: "You can't tell Chrissy we're here. This is like Khaki treason!" Jonesy: "I thought you liked working at Khaki Barn." Kirsten: "We love Khaki Barn! But we heard that you can get so much more popular if you work at this store." Jonesy: "Check another point for the Taj." Kirsten: "Plus all the hottest guys shop here for movies!" Jonesy: "And uncheck that point. Later, girls."

''[Jude is lazing at Stick It. He takes a piece of popcorn and chokes on it. He spits it out at Blade.]'' Jude: "Sorry, dude. Hate it when that happens." Blade: "Just give me a beef-stick kabob." Jude: "There you go, man. And, it's half price because of the popcorn on the forehead thing?" Blade: "Whatever." ''[He walks off, taking a bite as he goes. He looks inside and sees he's bitten into a cockroach.]'' "Uuullleeehh!" [He faints.]

''[In Grind Me, Talon has a steak pressed to his eye. He lowers it, revealing his black eye.]'' Talon: "How's it look?" Jen: "Ooh." Caitlin: "Ew. I don't know what's grosser, the black eye or the fact that he's got raw meat on his face." [Caitlin leans forward and spills her coffee on his crotch.] Talon: "Ow!" Caitlin: [jolting] "Oh! I'm sorry! Oh no. Does it hurt?" Talon: [getting up] "It's not that bad. Really. Ow!" [walking away] "I'm just gonna have the mall nurse take a look at it." Caitlin: "Guys, this is so bad! That's the second thing I've done to him today!" Jen: "Calm down. It was just an accident." Caitlin: "Yeah, but I get so clumsy when I like a guy. And I really like this one. He's gonna dump me any minute." Jen: "Just relax. A guy would never dump a girl over a little coffee burn and a black eye." Caitlin: "Yeah, but that's not all I've done. I tripped him in our chemistry class and last night I accidentally opened my car door right onto his...uh...kiwis." Jen and Nikki: "Ouch!" Caitlin: "I know, right? I'm so getting dumped." [She sighs and gets up.] "I need hot chocolate." Jen: [to Nikki] "Do you really think he'd dump her?" Nikki: "She squished his kiwis with a car door." Jen: "Yeah, but that's not that big a deal. I mean, he's okay now." Nikki: "Trust me, guys do not forget that kind of thing." Jen: "But dump her? Really?" Nikki: "Alright. There's a scientific way to figure this out. C'mon." Jen: [following her] "Wow. I'm glad I don't have kiwis." Nikki: "I hear you, sister."

[Jude is napping at Stick It, a magazine over his face, when Ron, Blade, and the health department arrive.] Ron: "WAKE UP!" [Jude jolts awake.] "These men are from the Board of Public Health. You've violated Section–" [in Jude's head] "–blah blah blah–" [reality] "–mall security act–" [Jude's head] "–blah blah blah–" [reality] "–minimum standards–" [Jude's head] "–blah blah blah–" [reality] "–health risk. Are you reading me, punk?" [He holds up the tainted stick it.] Jude: [staring at the bug] "Wow. Those suckers are really hard to kill." Ron: "This young man was so disturbed by the incident that he fainted right here in the food court." Jude: "You fainted?" [He chuckles.] Blade: "Shut up! It's gross, man!" Health Inspector: [poking his head out of the kitchen] "Officer, I think you'll want to see this." [Ron looks in.] Ron: "Gah!" [to Jude] "Son, I haven't seen a room that disgusting since my days–" [choking] "–cleaning the boot camp latrines." Jude: "Well who was supposed to clean it? Because whoever they were, they clearly did not do a very good job." Ron: "YOU were supposed to clean it, soldier!!!" Jude: "Okay, sheesh. All you had to do was tell me." Ron: [inflamed] "As of this minute, Stick It is officially closed for business!" Jude: "Right. Until when? Till these white dudes clean it up?" Ron: "FOREVER! END OF THE LINE! PARTY'S OVER! YOU'LL NEVER WORK IN FOOD SERVICES AGAIN!" [The Board of Health has wrapped the store in caution tape.] "Capiche?" Jude: "Hmm..." ''[Jude thinks back on all the good times he's had working there. When we see him next, he's at Grind Me.]'' Jude: "What am I gonna do without Stick It? I had it so good there. No boss–" Caitlin: "No ugly uniform–" Nikki: "And apparently, no mop." Jen: "So wait. You never cleaned that place?" Jude: "Nuh-uh." Jen: "But you handled the food safely, right? I mean, you didn't let it come in contact with anything dirty." Jude: "I live by the three-second rule. If it's on the ground less than three seconds, it's cool." ''[Jen gasps. She remembers a visit she made.]'' Memory Jen: "One chicken-licking stick-it." Memory Jude: "You got it." [Jen imagines that the stick-it falls to the ground and that a cockroach crawls over it before Jude picks it up, puts it on a stick, and hands it over.] Memory Jen: "Mmm, thanks." ''[In her memory, she remembers taking a bite. In reality, she looks rather ill and gags slightly.]'' Caitlin: "Are you okay?" Jen: "Yeah. I just threw up a bit in my mouth. Jude! That is so gross!" Jude: "Okay, okay. I got fired, didn't I?" Nikki: [sighing] "Why don't you join Jonesy at the Taj?" Jude: "I don't know, dude. Stick It was like, my dream job." Caitlin: "They have that private screening room." [Jude smiles.] Jude: "That I can deal with. Later!" [He leaves to apply.]

[Jude joins Jonesy in the long line of applicants.] Jude: "Hey dude. Mad lineup." Jonesy: "Yo. I heard you got canned from Stick It. You never forget your first time." Jude: "Thanks, dude." Jonesy: "The buzz around this place is awesome. Check it out. These two are defects from Underground Video across the hall. Defects, Jude!" Orange-shirted Teen: "Hey, I can't wait to work somewhere where you can be nice to customers." Jude: "You weren't allowed before?" Teen With Glasses: "Obviously you've never been to Underground Video." Orange-shirted Teen: "Did you see the Help Wanted sign in the window? I pity the poor suckers who take our old jobs." Jonesy: "The chick behind me said you get to set your own hours." Jude: "I predict I'll fit in well here." Jonesy: "Jude!" Jude: "Dude!" ''[They hi-five. Jen and Nikki walk up, carrying clipboards.]'' Jen: "Guys, we're taking a poll. Would you dump a girlfriend just because she answered the phone 'Yello'?" Jonesy: "I would. It's annoying." Nikki: [to Jen] "Told you." Jonesy: "Okay, do you two mind? We're trying to get our interview on here." Jen: "Fine." ''[They walk away. To Nikki]'' "Okay, what about bad hair?" Nikki: "Don't even get me started." Jonesy: [to Jude] "Okay. How's my resume look?" Jude: [looking it over] "Your resume's four pages long?" Jonesy: "I've worked at a lot of places." Jude: "For one day." Jonesy: "Your point?"

''[Serena is hanging out at Spin This. Wyatt walks behind her and snarls before moving on. An elder gentleman approaches her.]'' Harold: "Um, excuse me. Would you recommend this for my teen daughter?" Serena: "Definitely, she'll love it." Wyatt: "I wouldn't trust her opinion if I were you. She'll probably say she loves it, then turn around and say she loves some other one more." Harold: "Hmm." ''[Harold turns around and goes to look for other CDs. Wyatt goes to another shelf, and Serena follows.]'' Serena: "Wyatt–" [Wyatt angrily starts rearranging CDs.] Chad: "What are you doing?" Wyatt: "Rearranging the singles." Chad: "They were already alphabetical." Wyatt: "Yeah well, now they're random! It's a nice metaphor for life, don't you think! You think you got something great, like Five Star Planet, and instead, you've got Jack Squat and the Losers. But as the only single [Pun intended.] person working here, I think I'm uniquely qualified to organize the singles." Serena: "Wyatt, I know you're hurt, but you've got to get it together or I'm going to have to do something." Wyatt: [turning away] "I'm fine. Really." Serena: [unconvinced] "Okay." [She and Chad leave her angry ex behind.]

''[Caitlin and Talon walk through Spin This. Talon has his arm bandaged.]'' Caitlin: "I feel so bad. Does it hurt?" Talon: "It's okay, babe. You know, second-degree burns? No biggie." [Caitlin hugs him, squishing his arm.] "Ow!" ''[Suddenly, heavy metal blasts through the store. Wyatt has taken control of the DJ booth.]'' Caitlin: "Wyatt?!?" Wyatt: "I'd like to dedicate this song, 'I Hope You Choke', to Serena and Chad." [The store looks at them.] "The two people I like the least in the whole world right now. Congrats guys! Good job!" [Serena starts walking over to Wyatt, completely sick of his babyish attitude.] Caitlin: "Oh, this is bad." Serena: [grabbing him] "We need to talk." Wyatt: "Fine! Talk!" [He turns away from her and looks at CDs.] Serena: "This isn't working out! You're freaking out the customers and totally embarrassing me! I'm sorry, Wyatt, I have to let you go." Wyatt: "What? I can't hear you!" Serena: "I said–" [muting the music and yelling into the microphone] "–you're fired!!!" [The store gasps.] Chad: "Ouch." [Serena leaves the DJ booth.]

[At Taj Mahome Video, Jude and Jonesy are called up for their interview.] Blade: "Next." ''[The two walk in. Jonesy recognizes them and laughs nervously.]'' Jonesy: "Hey! Blade! Christo! You're the new managers?" Blade: "Jonesy. Didn't we fire you before?" Jonesy: "Oh, well, you know. Past is past?" Jude: "Uh, about that fainting thing? It's our little secret." [Blade taps his finger against the hiring table.]

[Shortly thereafter, Jude and Jonesy come flying out of the store, having been kicked out by the managers.] Jonesy: "This is so unfair. This store isn't nearly as cool as they say it is!" Jude: "Yeah. And I just want you all to know–" [pointing to Blade] "That dude fainted today!" Jonesy: [getting up as the managers go back inside] "Aw, man! I really wanted that job, too. This bites."

''[A mother is surrounded by three crying children. Jen and Nikki pass her.]'' Nikki: "Okay. Seventy-eight percent of the people polled say wearing the same underwear two days in a row equals dump city." Jen: "So twenty-two percent think that it's okay? Yuck!" Nikki: "Probably the same ones who buy that three-second rule." [They come across Jonesy and Jude.] Jen: "Hey! Did you get the jobs?" Jude: "No. Dudes didn't even let us apply." Jonesy: "What'd you do to that guy, anyway?" Jude: "There may have been a stick-it with a cockroach involved." Jonesy: "I can't believe this just happened." [His phone rings.] "Yello." Caitlin: "You won't believe what just happened. Wyatt got fired." Jonesy: "Wyatt got fired?" Nikki: "Oh no!" Caitlin: "He's not taking it very well, guys. I think he's in shock." [At Grind Me, Caitlin and Talon are giving him coffee to try and help him out.] Jude: "Oh, man, now all three of us have no jobs!" Jen: [spying a sign in Underground Video] "Not necessarily." [taking Jonesy's phone] "Caitlin? Tell Wyatt to come down to Underground Video." Jude: "What?" Jonesy: "We can't work there! Not after the dream that was Taj Mahome Video." Jen: [hanging up] "Well what else is hiring right now, boys? Your choice." ''[Jonesy groans. Back at the coffee shop, Caitlin is informing Wyatt of the job opportunity.]'' Caitlin: "Wyatt? They're hiring at Underground Video." Wyatt: "I don't care." Caitlin: "You'd be working with the guys. Come on." [She pulls him into a sitting position.] "We are not gonna let this girl get you down." Wyatt: "Fine, whatever." ''[He leaves. Talon hugs Caitlin.]'' Talon: "You're a really good friend, you know that?" Caitlin: [shoving him away] "Stop! We have to have at least three feet of room between us at all times!" Talon: [chuckling] "That might make it hard for me to kiss you." [He pulls her close again.] Caitlin: [pushing him away] "I'm serious! Don't you see? People get dumped all the time, and then they get fired–and it can all be over some little thing, only this thing is really big!" Talon: "I really don't know what you're talking about." Caitlin: "Okay." [She exhales deeply.] "I'm really afraid you'll break up with me for being so clumsy and destructive." Talon: "Don't you see? It would take much more than a burn, a bump, a black eye, and what happened last night, to make me give you up. You're the greatest girl I ever met." Caitlin: "Really?" Talon: "Really. Now come here." ''[Talon pulls Caitlin into a hug and leans in for a kiss. It's a really romantic moment until, inches away from her lips, he sticks his tongue out and licks the whole right side of her face.]''

''[The girls are sitting around the table. Caitlin's face still shows signs of the licking.]'' Caitlin: "I have to break up with him." Jen: "But I thought you really liked him." Caitlin: "That was before I knew he was the worst kisser on the face of the earth! I felt like a postage stamp!" Jen and Nikki: "Eww." Caitlin: "His tongue was everywhere! I still have residual drool on my chin!" [She wipes her chin, and spit flies onto Stuart Goldstein's head.] Stuart Goldstein: "What the–" [He looks around for the source before moving on.] Jen: "Haven't you kissed him before?" Caitlin: "No! Not a serious kiss, just–a peck. I have to break up with him." Nikki: "The sooner, the better." Jen: "No! You can't dump him for that. He didn't break up with you, and you almost put him in the hospital. Maybe he just never learned how to kiss? What if you could teach him?" Caitlin: "Hey, that's not a bad idea!" Nikki: "Know any kissing experts personally?" Caitlin: "No, but there's a couple romantic comedies playing. Maybe if he sees how it's done, he'll get it! Talon is a keeper, and I can't abandon him now!" [She gets up to find Talon.] Jen: [to Nikki] "Told you so."

[The boys are outside Underground, bracing themselves.] Jonesy: "Okay. Let's do this." [They walk in.] "Hey man, we're here about the jobs." ''[The headphone-wearing cashier does not respond. Jonesy lifts an earpiece.]'' "I said, we're here to apply for the positions?" Wayne: "I heard you man. We're not hiring." [Jonesy lets the earphone snap back, and Wayne winces.] Wyatt: [holding up the sign] "There was a sign in your window." Wayne: "Yeah, that was more of a joke than anything." Jude: "But we all just got fired and we really need new jobs." [Jonesy elbows him.] "Ow!" [Wayne sighs, leans forward, and turns off the TV he's watching.] Wayne: "What are your qualifications? Don't touch that." [Jude, who has just picked up a video box, gasps, juggles it, and puts it back.] Jonesy: "Check these out." ''[The guys hand over their resumes. Wayne looks them over.]'' Wayne: "Okay. I'm feeling saucy today. I'll hire you and you." [He points to Jonesy and Jude.] Jonesy: "Awesome!" [He hi-fives Jude.] Wyatt: "Why them?" Wayne: "I don't know. Why not?" Wyatt: "Well, can I at least hang out here for a while?" Wayne: "Free country, dude." [Wyatt sighs and heads off to lounge.] Jude: [whispering to Wayne] "This chick dumped him, then fired him." Wayne: "Wow." [taunting] "Sucks to be you, man." Wyatt: "Thanks."

[Wayne is showing the guys a display.] Wayne: "This is the constantly evolving Wayne's Picks Wall." Harold: [tapping Wayne's shoulder] "Excuse me?" Wayne: "In a minute." [to his staff] "You do not touch the Wayne's Picks Wall, you do not question the Wayne's Picks Wall, in fact, don't even say 'Wayne's Picks Wall'." Jude: "Cool. Where's my wall?" Wayne: "Whoa, slow way down there, man. You don't just get a wall, you have to earn a wall." Harold: "Um, well I'm kind of in a–" Wayne: "Hold your hose, sir, I'll be right with you." [to the employees] "But let's say purely hypothetically speaking you got to pick three favorites, what would you pick?" Harold: "I really just want to buy this." [Wayne sighs, takes the DVD box, and looks at it.] Wayne: [testily] "What about parts two and three? You can't buy just Part One! Okay? They were written as a trilogy, they were filmed, nay, conceived as a trilogy! Taking only one of them home would be like leaving two of your newborn triplets at the hospital! Would you do that! Would you abandon two of your babies!" [Harold stands there stunned.] "You know what? You don't deserve to own this movie. Come back when you've given it some thought." Jude: [as the middle-aged man leaves] "Whoa. That was kind of harsh." Wayne: "It was the right thing to do." Jonesy: "But you didn't make the sale." Wayne: "Some things are more important." Wyatt: "So then why do you carry the DVDs individually? Why not only sell them as a trilogy?" Wayne: [looking at Taj Mahome] "Because some other stores have no principles or loyalty to the art of cinema, and will sell individual parts of a trilogy to a customer, WHETHER IT'S GOOD FOR THEM OR NOT!" [By the time Wayne finishes his speech, he is screaming at the new competition across the way.] Jude: [whispering] "Think if we kissed up across the hall they'd let us work there?" Jonesy: [whispering] "Not a chance."

[Caitlin and Talon are at the movies.] Actress: "I love your soft, dry kisses." Caitlin: "Wow. Look at the way he kisses. It looks so...soft. So gentle. And so...dry. Doesn't that look nice?" Talon: "Yeah. That gives me an idea." ''[Smiling, they lean in to kiss each other. Once again, Talon licks her.]'' Caitlin: [leaping up] "Ew! I'm sorry. I can't do this. You kiss like a golden retriever!" [Caitlin gets up and storms out, leaving a stunned Talon behind her.]

[Wayne is looking at his employees' picks.] Wayne: [to Jude] "Huh. Not bad. They're eclectic, original, unexpected. You can stay." Wyatt: [whispering] "How'd you do that?" Jude: [whispering] "I just picked covers that I thought looked cool." Wayne: "You picked Top M16s." Jonesy: "Duh. It's a classic." Wayne: "Yeah." [angry] "It offends me that this DVD is even in this store! Take it off, off!" Jonesy: "It can't be that bad, it's part of your inventory." Wayne: "It was there as a test. Any movie that contains men playing beach volleyball against each other qualifies for instant disqualification! Come on, man, what's with you?" Jonesy: "May I remind you that it grossed over two hundred million at the box off–" [Wayne puts his hand up, and Jonesy gasps.] "Oh, you did not just give me the hand! You suck!" Wayne: [sarcastic] "Oh, I haven't heard that one before!" [to Wyatt] "Quick, give me your top three films of all time." Wyatt: "Uh, Guilty With Explanation, uh, Never Swim Alone, and Monk of the Green Dragon." Wayne: "Not bad, I could do time with you. You're hired." Jonesy: "Sweet! We'll all be working together!" Wayne: "Oh, sorry dude, I forgot. You're fired." Jonesy: "What? Oh well. I didn't really want to work here anyway. I wanted to work at Taj Mahome Video." Wayne: "Shocker." Jonesy: "Check it out, they're having a party!" ''[The guys sigh as they look over to the promised land. Caitlin, Nikki, and Jen walk up.]'' Jonesy: "'Sup, girls?" Caitlin: "I broke up with Talon. What's with you?" Jonesy: "Well, I got fired. Again." Jen: "Wow, rough day all around." Jonesy: "So much for a fabulous new job and new year at the mall." Jen: "At least we all have each other." [Wayne laughs as he walks out.] Wayne: [sarcastic] "Oh–oh sorry, was that touching moment for real?" ''[He laughs as he goes back in. The gang look at the party going on across the hall and sigh.]''

[Caitlin carries a cake to the table.] Caitlin: "Happy one-year anniversary, guys!" Nikki: "This is so lame." ''[Caitlin pulls out a sharp knife and cuts a slice. She offers it to Nikki.]'' Jonesy: "I'll take hers!" Nikki: "No no, I'll have some. Lame cake tastes the same as unlame cake." Caitlin: [sighing] "Do you guys think I was being too harsh when I dumped Talon?" Jonesy: "No way. He's a lousy kisser, I'd fire him." Caitlin: "Yeah, but he's so cute." [Caitlin gasps as she sees him walk past.] Caitlin: "Talon! Wait! Talon!" ''[Talon gasps and starts running as Caitlin chases him, sharp knife in hand. Caitlin has almost caught up when she trips and falls onto him.]'' Nikki: "Ooh. Icing's hard to get out of khakis." [Caitlin comes back to the table unhappy.] Caitlin: "Aw, that's it. I'm gonna die alone!" [She begins crying.] Jonesy: "Don't worry. You'll always have us." [Caitlin looks around her group of friends and begins crying harder.]