Cheapskates/Script

''[Jen has just finished unloading some shoeboxes. She sighs heavily and wipes her brow. Coach Halder comes up behind her and blows a whistle.]'' Coach Halder: "Sissy soccer cleats don't go up front and center!" Jen: "I happen to like soccer." Coach Halder: "Five-minute foul!" [Jen goes over and has a seat in the penalty box, where one of her male co-workers is already sitting.] Jen: "Ugh, stupid Coach!" [She looks over to her boxmate and realizes that he's rather cute.] Griffin: "Hi, I'm Griffin." Jen: "Jen. So what'd you do to end up in the penalty box on your first day?" Griffin: "It was probably the unsanctioned breath I took earlier." [breathing] "Oops, there's another." Jen: [chuckling] "Oh, but it's so worth it for all the minimum-wage bucks we make!" Griffin: [looking at Jen] "You mean it's uh, it's worth it for all the hot chicks." [Jen looks around.] Jen: "Oh, y-you mean me!" [She giggles shyly.] Griffin: "I-I know we don't really know each other, but maybe we could hang out sometime." Jen: "How's tonight?" [She blushes.] "Too eager?" Griffin: "No, no. I like a girl who knows what she wants. Pick you up at eight?" Jen: "Eight it is." [Griffin exits the penalty box.] "Later!" [dancing] "I rock! I rock! I rock! I ro–" ''[She stops. Griffin is watching her.]'' Griffin: "I'm still here." Jen: [groaning] "Can we pretend I didn't just do that?" Griffin: "No, you definitely did it. Nice moves. But we can pretend I didn't see it." Jen: "That works too."

''The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is Cheapskates''

[Jen is talking to Caitlin and Nikki by the Big Squeeze.] Jen: "And then, even though I did a stupidly embarrassing dance, Griffin still asked me out!" Jen and Caitlin: "EEEEE!" Nikki: "Sounds like a keeper. Where are you guys going?" Caitlin: "A stroll around the fake lake? Oh, maybe some nosh at that French café? Or a midnight makeout session under the stars?" Jen: "No clue. Guess my date with Griffin will be a total surprise." [The guys walk up to the table.] Wyatt: "Got a date?" Jen: "Eeee! At eight!" Jonesy: "That'll give you time to do something with that hair." Jen: "What's wrong with my hair?" [A stray hair pops up.] Jonesy: "Guess the guy's beyond looks." [Nikki punches him.] "Ow!" Jen: "I'm going home to change." Caitlin: [calling after her] "A little lipstick and mascara wouldn't hurt either!" ''[Offscreen, Jen groans. Jude takes a sip of his drink and swishes his soda around in his mouth.]'' Wyatt: "Jude, what're you doing?" Jude: "You hold it in your mouth a bit, then you swallow, dude." [He does so again.] "Unlocks the flavor." Caitlin: "Please, Jude, stop swishing!" [holding her crotch] "I've have to pee so badly!" Nikki: "I've got a suggestion. Go. To. The bathroom." Caitlin: "And use the gross mall washrooms? No way! I can hold it!" Jonesy: "Have I ever told you guys how much I love waterslides? Woosh! Woosh!" Caitlin: "Jonesy!" Wyatt: "Almost as much as I love Niagara Falls? Whish! Whish!" Caitlin: "Wyatt!" Nikki: "Personally, I love sprinklers. Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch!" Jonesy: "Woosh! Woosh!" Wyatt: "Whish! Whish!" Nikki: "Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch!" Caitlin: "I can't hold it any longer!" [She grabs Nikki's arm and drags her away.] Nikki: "Hey! What do you need me for?" Caitlin: "You did this to me! I'm not going into those sicko washrooms alone."

[A long stream of yellow droplets sprays out.] Jonesy: "Uh, dude? Caitlin's gone." [Jude stops spitting.] Jude: "Oops." [Ron clamps his hand down on Jude's shoulder.] Ron: "I could haul you in for liquid littering, maggots." [He is wearing odd, gigantic goggles.] Jude: "What's with the weird glasses, mall cop dude?" Ron: "They're infrared goggles. The latest in crime-fighting technology." Wyatt: "Infrared goggles? Cool!" Jonesy: "Can they see through clothing? Enh? Enh?" Ron: "Goggles are not a toy, street meat! They detect heat, and red is the color of guilt! Innocent people don't sweat!" ''[A sweaty man walks by, having clearly come from the gym. He is very red on Ron's goggles.]'' "Stop! You're clearly guilty of something!" [Ron chases the man.] Penalty Box Customer: [running] "Aah! I just came from the gym!"

[Nikki and Caitlin are still in the restrooms.] Nikki: "Are you done yet? I have to get to work." [hearing herself] "What am I saying? Take all the time you need." [Caitlin exits her stall.] Caitlin: "Thanks for coming with me, Nikki. The moral support makes it not so gross." [She tries to get some soap.] "Oh no! I can't wash my hands!" Nikki: "Relax, I've got some hand sanitizer." [She squeezes hand sanitizer into Caitlin's hands.] Caitlin: "I knew I brought you here for a reason!" [A voice wafts through the ducts, speaking Spanish.] Caitlin: "Oh, I've always wanted to date a Spanish guy. You're so lucky!" Nikki: "Mmm, you've lost me." Caitlin: "Jonesy is a Garcia." Nikki: [laughing] "Oh yeah, the only thing Spanish about Jonesy is his love of salsa. As in the condiment, not the dance." [More Spanish is heard.] "Maybe now is your chance. Get out there and bag that Spanish hottie." Caitlin: "You are the best bathroom wingwoman ever!" ''[She grabs Nikki and tows her outside. A dark haired, tanned teenager in tight pants exits the men's room.]'' "Oh, he's so dark and mysterious! Only a hot Euro guy could pull off such tight pants." Nikki: "Can you imagine the guys in those?" ''[Nikki does so. It is not a pretty image, especially when Jude adjusts himself in the pants.]'' Nikki: "Ooh. Ooh. I need to sanitize my brain. Okay, now's your chance! Go talk to him!" Caitlin: "Not yet, Nikki! First, I'm gonna learn Spanish, so we can speak the language of love." Nikki: "Wait. You're gonna learn an entire language just so you can date a guy?" Caitlin: "I've already dated all the eligible English-speaking ones." Nikki: "True." ''[The two leave. Another teenager exits the restroom.]'' Jasper: [looking after them] "Man, would I ever like to ask that cute blonde out!" Jasper's Friend: "Si, you must! La vida es corta!" [Jasper looks at him, confused.] "Life is short." Jasper: "I'll do it! Tomorrow." Jasper's Friend: [rolling his eyes] "Estupido." Jasper: "Hey! I understood that!"

''[The gang are gathered around the table. Only Jen is missing.]'' Caitlin: "I can't wait for my Spanish language tapes to arrive! Then I can ask out my Spanish hottie!" Jonesy: "Tell me one thing Spanish people have ever done for the world." Nikki: "Hmm, let's see. Well, they discovered America, created some of the world's most recognized dances, and revolutionized modern art." [Her friends stare at her.] "Hello, Picasso?" Jonesy: "I said name one thing." Wyatt: "Doesn't your dad speak Spanish? You should ask him to teach you." Jonesy: "I already know all the Spanish I'll ever need." Caitlin: "Oh, teach me, teach me, teach me!" Jonesy: "Repeat after me: idiota!" Nikki: [clamping a hand over Caitlin's mouth] "Don't listen to Jonesy. He only knows swear words." ''[Jonesy gasps. Jen is walking towards the table. She is all made up and wearing a purple dress.]'' Jude: "Whoa, bra! You look sa-mo-kin!" Jonesy: "You're one hot mama. I mean, stepsis." [His friends stare at him.] "What? Too weird?" Wyatt: "Yep." Nikki: "Definitely." Jude: "Affirmative, bro." Caitlin: "You and Griffin are gonna have the best first date ever!" Griffin: [walking up] "Hi Jen. Wow. You look amazing! Ready to go?" Jen: "Definitely." [They walk away.] Caitlin: "Griffin sure has all the right moves." Wyatt: "That is one good looking fellow!" [His friends stare at him.] "Too weird?" Jonesy: "Yep." Jude: "Affirmative, bro." Nikki: "Definitely."

[Jen and Griffin are waiting in line at the Gigantoplex.] Jen: "I've been waiting all week to see Minor Movie Star. It got three popcorn tubs out of five." Griffin: "I heard Jessica Stinson's acting range went from flirty to flirty and bouncy." ''[Jen giggles. Griffin checks his wallet.]'' Griffin: "Oh. I–I seem to be a little short." Jen: [taking some money out of her purse] "No worries. You can pay me back." [The ticket seller closes her window.] "Oh no! They're sold out!" Griffin: "Forget the movie. I have an even better idea."

[Jen and Griffin are sitting on a porch swing.] Griffin: "You are so beautiful in this light. Remind me to thank my friend for sneaking us in." Jen: [giggling] "Who knew a window display could be so romantic?" Griffin: "Plus it's a great deal." [He holds up a 50% off sign.] "Fifty percent off. Are you still hungry?" Jen: "Got any more free samples of that great soup from Soup's On?" Griffin: "No, but can I interest you in a biscotti chunk and a coffee sample from Grind Me?" Jen: "Thanks!" [Jen takes them and leans back contentedly.]

[Caitlin is listening to her tapes while at work.] Caitlin: "My name is Caitlin. Me llamo Caitlin." Stuart Goldstein: [looking at his drink] "But–this isn't what I ordered." Caitlin: "I am injured. Where's the nearest hospital?" Stuart Goldstein: "Northovich." Caitlin: "Estoy herida. Donde esta el hospital mas proximo?" [Jen runs up to her.] "Hola. So how did the big date go last night?" [She takes off her earphones.] Jen: "Muy amazing. The movie was sold out, so Griffin and I spent the whole night on the porch swing in Willows and Williams swinging and talking..." Caitlin: "EEEE! That is so romantic!" Jen: "Then, Griffin brought us free food samples, and we had a window display picnic! He's so sweet!" Nikki: "When are you guys going out again?" Jen: "Not sure, he hasn't called yet." Caitlin: "Don't worry, he will. There's definitely a next-day calling rule for great first dates." [Jen's phone rings.] "See? Told ya." Jen: [answering] "Hello?" Griffin: "Hey, Jen, I had a great time last night. Wanna do it again tonight?" Jen: "Okay. Can't wait." Griffin: "Bye." Jen: "Bye." [She hangs up.] "Oh no! What have I done?" Nikki: "Uh, you agreed to go out with a guy you really like?" Jen: "But I don't know if I can follow up with last night's perfect date! What if the next one's a flop?" [She groans.] Nikki: "I guess Jonesy and I could tag along. A little double-dating action to take the pressure off?" Jen: "AAAH!" [She leaps over and hugs Nikki.] Nikki: "Whoa!" Jen: "You're the bestest!" Nikki: "Oh–" [chuckling] "I'll take that as a yes."

''[Ron peeks out of the bushes, watching steadily with his infrared goggles. Jude skates by.]'' Ron: "Slow down, maggot! This isn't a speedway!" Jude: "Whoa! Ah-ho!" [He loses control and crashes.] Ron: "Hmm..." [He spots a taco hidden in a teenager's pocket.] "That's it!" [He grabs the taco.] "Stealing tacos, I see? You're coming with me, mister!" [The boy's stomach rumbles, and he prepares to fart.] "Take cover! NNNOOOOOOOO!!!" [Ron hits the floor by Jude.] "There's got to be a mall ordinance against unlawful gas emissions." Jude: "Dude! Can you see farts with those things?" Ron: "Yes soldier." [Jude reaches for the goggles.] "You want the goggles!" [He laughs.] "You can't handle the goggles!"

[Caitlin is still listening to the tapes.] Caitlin: "Would you like to go to the movies? Te gustaria al cine? How about dinner? Te gustaria cena?" [Jasper is looking on nervously as Caitlin practices her Spanish.] Jasper's Friend: "You must not let amore slip away. Embrace it while you can!" [He pushes his friend forward.] Caitlin: "Hola. Me llamo Caitlin. Te gustaria ir al cine?" ''[Jasper looks around, nervous and confused. Caitlin blushes.]'' Caitlin: [desperate] "Te gustaria cena?" [Jasper shrugs and walks away unhappily.] Caitlin: "Disastre." Jasper's Friend: [eager] "What did she say?" Jasper: "I didn't understand a word she said. Because she's Spanish!" Jasper's Friend: "Lucky for you, so am I."

[Jonesy and Nikki are at El Sporto's on their double date with Jen and Griffin.] Jonesy: "I can't decide between the NFL fries or the NHL nachos." Nikki: "He'll have the fries." [to Jonesy] "I'm not sitting through an entire movie with your heinous jalepeño breath." Jen: "I'll have the World Cup tostitos. How about you, Griffin?" Griffin: "Uh–" [checking his wallet] "Just water for me. I'm not hungry." [Jonesy and Nikki look at each other, uncomfortable.] Jen: [whispering] "I can loan you some money." Griffin: "Being with you is all the sustenance I need." [He kisses Jen's cheek.]

[A while later, everyone but Griffin is chowing down.] Griffin: "I'll just enjoy my nice, cold tomato soup." [He sighs and squirts some ketchup into his water.] Jen: "Oh!" [sliding her plate over] "Well, what's mine is yours. I'll never be able to finish." [Griffin begins eating like a starved man.] Griffin: [to Jonesy and Nikki] "Are you gonna eat all those?" Jonesy: [pulling his plate away] "I'm gonna try."

''[Jude skates up to a corner and ducks behind it. He looks out at Ron, who is napping in his security cart.]'' Jude: "I gotta have those goggles! Wherever there's gas to pass, the Fart Man will be there!" ''[Jude creeps over to the cart and reaches for the goggles. He lays hands on them, and Ron stirs.]'' Ron: "Ahh...Mommy, sing me a lullaby." Jude: [singing quietly] "Rock-a-bye rent-a-cop, in his golf cart/When the fart blows, Jude's world will rock." ''[Jude is able to gently take the infrared goggles from Ron. He smiles.]'' Jude: [whispering] "Don't worry, mall cop dude! I'll bring them back good as new!" [He puts the goggles on.]

[Griffin has cleaned off everyone's plates, leaving the other three still hungry.] Griffin: [noticing the look on Jen's face] "Oh, sorry, Jen! Did you want it?" Jen: "It's okay. I like to leave room for movie popcorn." [The waitress comes by with the bill, and Griffin gets up.] Griffin: "Ooh, I gotta use the facilities. Not like I ordered anything anyway." [He leaves the table.] Jonesy: [upset] "No, you just ate all our food!" [to Jen] "Thanks for roping us into an evening with El Cheapo." Jen: "Griffin's not cheap!" Nikki: "Whatever. Let's pay and get out of here. Movie starts in ten." [They put their money on the tray.] "Okay, there are two extra loonies. Who wants bus fare?" Griffin: [appearing out of nowhere] "If nobody else wants it..." ''[He takes the coins. Jen and Griffin walk away while Nikki and Jonesy share a look. The waitress comes back.]'' Waitress: "Hey, aren't you our new busboy?" Jonesy: "Who, me? Maybe. I'm on break?" [He giggles nervously.]

[The four daters are at the front of the line.] Griffin: [angry] "How come seniors get a discount and students don't? Ugh, this is a gross social injustice!" [quieter] "You know what, let's sneak in the back way. That'll teach 'em to overcharge!" Jonesy: "Sorry, but I've been waiting all week to see Karate Ki-ya." Nikki: "Yeah. I'm not in the mood to spend the night in Ron's jail cell." Griffin: [whispering to Jen] "You're not going to let these buzzkills ruin it, are you?" Jen: "EEE! I feel so dangerous!"

''[Shortly thereafter, Jen and Griffin are pushed out of the theater. They are followed by Jonesy and Nikki.]'' Jonesy: "No fair! We paid!" Ron: "Friends don't let friends break the mall law. Now, I've got a goggle-stealing perp to smoke out!" ''[Ron walks away. The four teenagers get to their feet.]'' Griffin: [to Jen] "Can I walk you home? There's a full moon tonight." Nikki: "Home? But it's over an hour's walk." Jonesy: "Hope you brought your walking shoes; Griffin stole our bus fare."

''[Caitlin is wearing a red dress at work. Jen slowly walks up to the Big Squeeze.]'' Caitlin: "Que pasa!" Nikki: "Could ask you the same thing." Caitlin: "Wearing tassels makes me feel more Spanish. And these salsa shoes are surprisingly comfortable." Jen: "Wish I could say the same thing about mine." [She kicks off her shoes, revealing swollen, bloody feet.] "Ohh, yeah." [She wiggles her newly-freed toes.] Caitlin: [gasping] "Jen! What happened to your hideous feet?" Jen: "Griffin and I walked home from the mall last night." Caitlin: "But that's over an hour's walk!" Nikki: "Believe me, we know." Jen: "It was all worth it. I think Griffin's–" Caitlin: "The one?" [Jen nods.] Griffin: [arriving with a coffee and a box] "The bandages you ordered, and a coffee to numb the pain." Jen: "Aw, thanks Griffin!" ''[She tries to put a band-aid on, but it just slides off her foot. The same thing happens with the next one she tries.]'' "The glue's all dried up. Maybe you should return the bandages to the pharmacy and get your money back." Griffin: "I could, except I bought them at Cheapo Bin for a buck." Jonesy: "Why pay retail when you can go wholesale, right Griffin?" Griffin: "Right you are, my man!" [Jen frowns.] "Whoa! Lemon squishies are pricy! What drink has the most lemon for my money?" Caitlin: "Lemon-ade. That'll be three fifty." Griffin: [checking his pockets] "Uh, yeah uh, Jen, spot me a fiver?" Jen: [looking at her money] "Guess I'm a little short today." Caitlin: [handing over the drink] "Here. It's on the house." Jen: "Thanks Cait. Bye guys!" [Jen and Griffin walk away sipping their drinks.] Wyatt: "I don't get it. What does Jen see in that guy?" Caitlin: "She's going broke bankrolling his cheap butt!" Jonesy: "I saw El Cheapo eating mustard packets for breakfast." Nikki: "I saw him stealing toilet paper from the washroom." Wyatt: "I saw him in Grind Me, putting all the leftover coffee into a mug. Then he asked the barista to nuke it." Nikki: "Please tell me that's not the coffee he just gave to Jen." Nikki, Jonesy, Caitlin, and Wyatt: "UGH!" Jasper: [walking by] "Hola, hermosa." [He blows Caitlin a kiss.] Jonesy: [standing up] "Did that guy just call you a hermosa? I'll kill him!" Nikki: [stopping Jonesy] "Do you even know what that means?" [Jonesy shrugs.] Caitlin: "Neither do I! Jen may be dating El Cheapo, but at least she understands what her guy is saying!"

[Ron drives through the food court.] Ron: "I'll find you, you goggle-stealing no-good!" ''[After Ron drives by, Jude looks after him through the goggles. He hears a fart.]'' Jude: "Whoa." [He looks towards the fart and sees another one with the goggles.] "Awesome!"

[Jasper and his friend are standing by idly while Caitlin cleans the counter at work.] Jasper's Friend: "In Spain, we romance through the dance. You have learned muy bien." Jasper: "But what if I trip? What if I forget the steps? Or worse, step on her toes?" Jasper's Friend: "I will be here to coach you the entire time." [handing over an earbud] "See?" ''[Jasper affixes the earbud in his ear and walks over to Caitlin. He grabs her arm.]'' Caitlin: "Wow, you–" [Jasper stuffs a rose into her mouth.] "Ouch!" [Jasper pulls Caitlin out of the lemonade stand and begins dancing with her.] Jasper: "Sus ojos estan grandes. Sus labios estan tan...enchados." [He pulls her along in the dance.] Caitlin: [muffled] "I can't feel my lips!"

''[A man enters a stall in the bathrooms and soon runs out screaming. Jude was crouched behind the toilet.]'' Jude: "Wait, dude! It's all in the name of fart forensics!"

''[Jen walks through work with a heavy pile of shoeboxes. She has switched to flip-flops.]'' Jen: "Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ow! Ooh! Ouch!" Coach Halder: "Feet bleeding on the job. That's dedication, Masterson!" [Jen sets the boxes down.] Griffin: "I've got a romantic date all planned. Make sure to wear comfortable shoes!" Jen: [excited] "Okay! EEE!"

[Jude walks up to his friends with a trayful of tacos.] Jude: [putting them on the table] "Who's hungry?" Jonesy: "For free tacos? Always!" [He begins eating one.] Nikki: "What's with force-feeding us refried beans, Jude?" Jude: "I gotta see more infrared farts before Ron takes his goggles back!" Wyatt: [disturbed] "You want to watch me fart? I-I don't know what to say." Jonesy: "Sit tight, Jude. You're about to see something special."

[Jen and Griffin are at a library reading of a children's book.] Jen: "This is your idea of a romantic date?" Griffin: "I'm a little short on cash. Oh! Ssh! They're about to start the reading." Librarian: [reading] "The leprechaun searched everywhere for that elusive rainbow." [Stanley shoots Jen with his gun.] Jen: "Ouch!" Stanley: "Loser!" Jen: [sighing] "I'm beginning to think you're right."

[The date has moved to the pet store.] Jen: "A free pet store tour?" [looking at some rabbits] "Aw, those bunnies are cute!" [She hears squawking and turns around to see Griffin wrestling with a parrot over some birdseed.] "Griffin! What are you doing? That birdseed is for the parrot!" Griffin: [eating some seed] "Don't see the parrot's name on it."

''[Later, Jen and Griffin are sitting on a bench. Griffin still has the bag of birdseed.]'' Jen: "Are we waiting for something?" [Griffin breaks into laughter.] Griffin: "Oh, people-watching really is the best entertainment." Jen: "Yeah, I'm a bit hungry. Maybe we can get something to eat?" Griffin: "Oh, here." [He tosses her the bag.] "I brought extra for you." Jen: "Thanks for the uh, 'date', Griffin, but I'm gonna take off." Griffin: "Wait! You can't leave yet!" Jen: "There can't possibly be anything free that we haven't already done!" Griffin: "Uh, I need bus fare. Can I bum some till payday?" Jen: "Adios, El Cheapo." [She leaves.]

[Jasper is dancing with Caitlin.] Caitlin: "Esta relación es terminada!" Jasper: "Huh?" Caitlin: "Gracias por el baile, Jasper." [Jasper slinks away sadly as Caitlin goes back to her job.] Wyatt: "It's like watching TV when you accidentally press the SAP button." Nikki: "What happened? Unfortunately, we don't speak Spanish." Caitlin: "The dance was nice, but I need someone who understands me. In English." [to Jen] "Did you finally dump El Cheapo?" Jen: "Was everyone calling him that?" [Her friends nod.] "Oh, I just can't figure El Cheapo out! He makes the same as me at the Penalty Box. Where does all his money go?" Wyatt: "Maybe he has a sick parent to support?" Nikki: "Maybe he's really bad with his money." Jonesy: "Or maybe El Cheapo likes living off the backs of hardworking saps like you and me." [His friends stare at him.] "Okay! Hardworking saps like you! My El Sporto busboy days are over." Nikki: "Perhaps that's because you never went to work." Jonesy: "A definite possibility." [His stomach rumbles.] "Uh oh. Jude! It's time!" [Jude skates up and takes a good look as Jonesy stands up and points his butt at Jude.] Ron: [driving towards them] "You! With the fart fetish! I want those goggles back!" [Jonesy farts.] Jude: "Wicked. That was even better than I expected, dude!" Ron: [grabbing the goggles] "Me, me! I wanna turn! I want a turn!" Jude: "No, just–dude! Dude!" [Griffin walks by, and Jen's eyes narrow.] Jude: "Dude! Dude!" ''[Jen grabs the goggles and looks at Griffin. He has a wad of folded-up bills in each back pocket.]'' Jen: [surprised] "Griffin's totally loaded." [chasing him] "Hey! I want my seventy-five bucks back!" [Ron chases after Jen.] Jude: "Bra! Bra, come back! Jonesy's about to blow again!" Jonesy: [straining] "Any minute now..." ''[Jonesy lets out a huge, loud fart. A small plop is heard at the end of it.]'' Jude: [disappointed] "Aw, mannnn..." Jonesy: [scared] "Oh no."