Another Day at the Office/Script

[Nikki is sleeping on the job.] Kristen: [perky] "Wake up Nikki! Wake up wake up wake up wake up wake AHHK!" [Nikki has grabbed Kristen's neck and is threatening strangulation.] Nikki: "This had better be good." Kristen: "It is! We want you to pose for us!" [Nikki releases her captive.] Nikki: "Pose for what?" Kirsten: "Mall Monthly magazine is doing a fashion expose, and we really think you'd be perfect to represent the Khaki Barn page with us!" Kristen: "It was Chrissy's idea! You'll be so perfect for the piece!" Kirsten: "Ppppllleeeaaassee? We need you, Nikki!" Nikki: "Okay, sure. Why not." The Clones: "EEEEE!!!" Chrissy: "Oh, awesome! Say cheesy!" Nikki: [faking a smile] "Oh, I do. Every day." [Chrissy takes the picture.] Chrissy: "Okay now you guys, give me a big Khaki Barn smile! One, two, three!" The Clones: "Khaki!" Nikki: "So, the clones are gonna be featured in this article too?" Kirsten: "Duh. We're the afters?" Nikki: "Okay, I'll bite. The after whats?" Kristen: "You're the before shot, you know, the fashion trainwreck, the what not to wear–" Kirsten: "The ugly girl!" Chrissy: "Kirsten! That was way harsh! It's the stylistically challenged." Kirsten: "Oh yeah." Kristen: "And we're the afters! We represent what even someone like you could aspire to be if you shop at the Khaki Barn! We are going to look so fetch compared to you! Thanks, Nikki!" [The Clones run off tittering happily.] Nikki: [through clenched teeth] "Going to my happy place, going to my happy place–" [She grabs a hanger and snaps it in half.]

''The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is Another Day at the Office''

[Caitlin takes hold of a split end.] Caitlin: "My new conditioner sucks!" ''[While Caitlin is working, her friends are seated at a nearby table. Nikki is scarfing down fries.]'' Jude: "Okay. You're stressing me out a little with those fries, man." Nikki: "I can't take it anymore. I'm quitting. I really mean it this time." Wyatt: "Clones bugging you again?" Nikki: "It's like they were put on this earth specifically to annoy me!" [grabbing Wyatt's newspaper] "Okay. Want ads. Ugh!" Caitlin: "What?" Nikki: "There are only two jobs available at the mall right now. And one of them is assistant security guard!" Jonesy: "Again?!? Man, that rent-a-cop goes through assistants like water!" Caitlin: "I've never had such heinous split ends before." Nikki: "Hey! Can we please focus for a second, guys? I'm serious! I need a new job!" Caitlin: "Okay!" Wyatt: "Okay, so where's the other job opening?" ''[Nikki glances over to Wonder Taco, where Julie and Darth are necking. She shakes her head.]'' Nikki: "There has to be something else! I may need the budget mall." Caitlin: "Oh no. You can't go there! That would be social suicide." [Nikki turns a page and comes upon the Khaki Barn ad. She looks even worse than she thought.] Jonesy: [laughing] "Oh man! You're the before!" Nikki: "Yeah, I got that." [She crumples up the paper.] Caitlin: "The circulation of that magazine is like, five hundred! I'm so mortified for you!" Nikki: "That's it. You know what? I'm not quitting. I'm gonna stick around and make their lives miserable instead." Jonesy: "Now you're talking! Go get 'em, tiger! Before it's too late!" [Nikki slaps him.] "Umph!" [Nikki leaves.] "Oh man, I wouldn't want to be a clone today." Jen: "Guess what? My mom said I can go on the ski trip to Whistler if I come up with half the money." Jonesy: "Sweet! How are you gonna pull that off?" Jen: "Coach Halder just promised me five extra shifts." [chanting] "I'm going to Whistler! I'm going to Whistler!" [normally] "Oh yeah Jonesy, you still owe me ten bucks." Jonesy: "Fine." [He pulls out his wallet, which is stuffed to the brim with bills and coins.] Wyatt: "Whoa, man! What's the deal with the giant massive wallet?" Jude: "You must be rich!" Jonesy: "Not really. I just got my last paycheck at the banana stand. And before you say it, yes, I got fired. But I would've quit anyway! Did you see the outfit I had to wear?" ''[Jonesy remembers the outfit. It was a giant banana suit. Everyone laughed at him while he was wearing it.]'' Jonesy: "Not good for the old social life, I can tell you that!" Jen: "Why don't you put your money in the bank?" Jonesy: "Schyeah right! Who has a bank account at our age?" [Every one of his friends puts their hand up.] Caitlin: "I have four." Jen: "Wait a second. How do you write checks? Pay for things at stores? Track your money online?" Jonesy: "You can do all that with an account?" Jen: "Duh!"

''[There is a long line at the bank. Jonesy is at the rear.]'' Jonesy: [bragging to a girl] "Yeah. Getting a bank account today." Glutes Girl: [unimpressed] "Wow." ''[Time ticks by and the line barely moves. Jonesy notices an empty desk.]'' Jonesy: [to the man behind him] "Yo buddy, hold my place?" [He moves towards the desk.] Penalty Box Customer: "Ah–" ''[Jonesy takes a seat at the desk and relaxes. He notices the calendar.]'' Jonesy: "Hey! Looks like this dude's on holiday. Nice." [Time moves on, and eventually Jonesy finds himself having a dinosaur war with two staplers.] Jonesy: "Rowr rawr rawr rowr rowr rahr rawr rawr rowh–" Blonde-Haired Girl: "Hi. I'd like to apply for a loan?" Jonesy: "Uh, I don't really–" Blonde-Haired Girl: "Wow. You must be like the youngest assistant manager ever." Jonesy: "Well, I–" [The woman bats her eyelashes.] "Thanks. Why, I've got a loan application right here." ''[The woman takes the clipboard and fills it out. She hands it back to Jonesy.]'' Jonesy: "Wow. That's a lot of money. Uh, I guess I should ask you some questions. Um, what do you have for colateral?" Blonde-Haired Girl: "Co-whatteral?" Jonesy: "I dunno. It just says I should ask. Check! Do you know anything about running a store?" Blonde-Haired Girl: "No. But I shop a lot. I want to open a lingerie store." Jonesy: "Fair enough! What the heck! The bank's got a ton of money!" [stamping the loan] "Approved." Blonde-Haired Girl: "WOOOHOOO YAY THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!" ''[The woman hugs Jonesy and runs out of the store. Jonesy leans back in his chair happily.]'' Jonesy: "I'm a good person." Rebecca: "You must be Mr. Loansbury!" [Jonesy chokes.] Jonesy: "Who?" Rebecca: "Ed Loansbury from Head Office. We've been expecting you." Jonesy: [deepening his voice] "Ahem. Uhm, yes. That's right. I'm Ed Loansbury, from Head Office." Rebecca: "Anything you need while you're observing our branch, just ask." Jonesy: [deep-voiced] "Will do, chief." ''[The boss leaves. Jonesy laughs.]'' "No way!"

''[Jonesy is sitting around with his friends. Only Nikki is absent.]'' Jonesy: "I gave out two loans and four credit cards. Man, working for a bank is so much better than the banana stand!" Jen: "You can't do that, Jonesy! It's misrepresentation! That is not your money to give away." Caitlin: "Jen's right! But since you're giving it out anyway, can I just borrow–" Wyatt, Jude, Jen, and Jonesy: "No!" Caitlin: [offended] "Okay! Just asking." Coach Halder: [walking up to them] "Masterson! Dobbs wants some extra shifts. And since I like Dobbs better than you, I'm giving them to him!" [He laughs.] "Sorry." Jen: "What? But I needed those shifts to make enough for my ski trip!" Coach Halder: "Ah, that's the way the ball bounces, Masterson. The puck drops. Uh, the uh..." [He clears his thoat.] "I'm gonna go get a taco." [Coach Halder leaves, and Jen drops her head.] Jen: "Now where am I gonna get the money?" Jonesy: "The bank of Jonesy is open! I'll give you a loan if you, say, do a couple loads of my laundry?" Jen: "No. I'm gonna do this on my own. Legally." Wyatt: "You're not going back to the bank, are you?" Jonesy: "Heck yes I am! The manager is totally sucking up to me, I'm sitting at a sweet desk, and Darth offered to do all my calculus homework for a week if I'd loan him money for a new speeder or something." ''[Darth is seen by Wonder Taco, wearing a replica of a spacesuit around his waist. Julie is enthralled by this.]'' Jonesy: "Ha ha! This job rocks!" Wyatt: "But you don't actually have a job." Jonesy: "And that's the beauty part." Jen: "You are a sad, sad little man." Jonesy: "Okay, girl with no money. Hey, where's Nikki?" Wyatt: "Probably torturing the Clones."

''[Jonesy is walking past the Khaki Barn when he stops. A crowd has gathered outside to look at the window display. Kristen and Kirsten are inside the display, dressed in pink spandex bodysuits and wearing cowboy hats. They are also posed awkwardly.]'' Kirsten: "Has Head Office ever made sales associates do this before?" Kristen: "I don't think so." ''[Inside, Nikki is tossing clothes about haphazardly. Jonesy walks up to her with a suit jacket.]'' Jonesy: "I need to borrow this. Yikes!" [Jonesy has just spotted a banner with Nikki's horrid photo on it.] Jonesy: "Man that is a bad picture! Speaking of utter humiliation, that your handiwork in the window?" Nikki: "Head Office sent a very strict posing schedule this morning. Still a big crowd out there?" Jonesy: "Oh yeah! And the cowboy hats? Nice touch." Nikki: "Oh, I'm just warming up." [smiling sinisterly] "I'm about to unleash my revenge on these clones." Kirsten: [begging] "Nikki! Can we come back in? My butt's getting numb, and Kristen has to pee!" Nikki: "Sorry, yeah, they said you have to be in the window for three hours? And try not to move so much, you're supposed to be living mannequins, remember?" Kirsten: [broken] "Okay." Nikki: "Where is their work ethic?" Jonesy: "So hard to find good help." Nikki: "Hey, you wanna help me out? I need you to go outside and make a phone call for me."

[A short while later, Nikki is lazing against the counter when Chrissy runs up.] Chrissy: [excited] "Oh. My. Tube top! Guess who just scored an interview for the manager position at Albatross & Finch? Me!" [Kristen and Kirsten get up and run over to congratulate their boss.] Kirsten: "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" The Clones: "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" Nikki: "Wow, that's so great, Chrissy! So? When's the interview?" Chrissy: "Tomorrow afternoon! In a super-secret spot! I have to go prepare." [She heads for the back room.] Kristen: "That means I'll be manager of the Khaki Barn! Yay!" Kirsten: "Um, not with that tan line you won't." Kristen: "Excuse me?" Kirsten: "You're totally uneven. It had to be said." Kristen: "I went faking baking yesterday?" Kirsten: "Well you obviously didn't finish baking? Maybe you should go back and turn it up!" Kristen: "Oh yeah? Well your complexion is totally unglowy, and your breath smells like a hot dog." Kirsten: "AAH!" [She dives at Kristen, and the two begin to fight.] Kristen: "Let go of my hair!" Kirsten: "Get off me!" Nikki: "Ah, this is so much more fun than working at the taco stand."

[Jonesy scans a loan application and approves it.] Jonesy: "That'll be fifty protein bars. Pleasure doing business with you. Next!" [Julie walks up.] "Julie. How can I help you?" Julie: "Darth and I want glamour shots taken for our anniversary." Jonesy: "I'll sign this on one condition: you hook me up with free tacos for a month." [Julie nods.] "Sweet!" [He approves the loan.] "Next!" [Blade and Christo hand Jonesy their application.] Jonesy: "Hmm. Didn't you two reject my job application for Taj Mahome Video?" Blade: "Um–" Jonesy: [ripping the loan apart] "De-nied! Next!" [Wyatt walks up.] "One new amp, approved!" Wyatt: "Thanks. They aren't actually paying you, are they?" Jonesy: "No. So what? This job rules! Spot me ten bucks for lunch?" [deeping his voice] "I'm off for lunch, Peterson! Have those reports on my desk when I get back. Don't let me down, Peterson!" Alfonso: "I won't, sir." Wyatt: [as he and Jonesy leave] "What reports?" Jonesy: [laughing] "I dunno! I'm sure they owe me some kind of report. They'll figure it out." Wyatt: "How exactly are you getting away with this?" Jonesy: "They think I'm some dude from Head Office. It's awesome. C'mon!" [He and Wyatt leave.]

[Jen is trying to pawn her used gear.] Jen: "C'mon, twenty dollars for barely used skis!" [being pushed out of Underground Video by Wayne] "How about a tennis racket? The strings are broken, but the frame is still good! You'll never see a deal like this again!" [Wayne shuts the store on her.] "Oh..." [loudly] "Used sports equipment for sale! Really good prices! Ski goggles, anyone? A used airhorn?" ''[She toots it. Nobody comes, and she sighs. Jude skates up to her grocery cart.]'' Jude: "Check out the sick new ride, courtesy of Jonesy!" Jen: "Jude! You got a bank loan for a skateboard?" Jude: "That's not all! I also scored a new hat, and a wicked flat-screen TV, with built in DVD player, for the inside of my backpack!" Jen: "This is so not a good idea! You don't need a DVD player in your backpack!" Jude: "That's what I thought at first, but it's surprisingly convenient. Now my living room is wherever I am." [Jude starts up his DVD player and skates off while watching a movie.] Jen: [irritated] "Jonesy."

[Jonesy is drinking a soda and sitting around with Nikki and Wyatt when he sees Jen pushing around her grocery cart.] Jonesy: "Nice Grocery Cart O' Crap, Jen." Jen: "At least I'm getting my money honestly." Jonesy: "Just say the word, and all this could be yours. Eight thousand vertical feet of fresh powder. Two world-class mountains in one resort!" Jen: [shaking off the image] "I am not going into debt for a snowboarding trip! Anyone want a single ski pole?" Jonesy: "Yeah. Good luck with that." ''[Jen looks at him angrily. Jonesy turns to Nikki.]'' "How's Project Revenge On Chrissy going?"Nikki: "Oh, she should be reaching her interview right about now."

''[Chrissy's interview is stationed at the mall's security center. She checks the address again.]'' Chrissy: "That's weird." [She opens the door on Ron clipping his toenails.] "Uh, hi. Whoop!" [A toenail flies past her.] "I'm, uh, here for the interview?" [Ron looks at her suspiciously.] "For the job?" Ron: "Hmm." [confrontational] "What makes you better than any other teenage maggot?" Chrissy: "Well I'm great at promoting uniformity through fashion." [Ron's shoulders slump.] "And I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I rock the display table." Ron: "Have you ever detained a felon?" Chrissy: "Nooo...but I did have to unentangle this girl's extensions from the hook in the change rooms once, and I didn't break a single hair." ''[Ron raises an eyebrow at this. Soon enough, though, it comes down, and he looks beleaguered.]'' Ron: "Well. Since there are no other applicants, the job's yours." Chrissy: "No way! EEEEE!" [Ron holds a security uniform out to her.] "What's this? A...uniform?" [realization setting in] "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!" [Chrissy runs out of the office as fast as she can.] Ron: "Absolutely no respect for the uniform."

[Nikki has just told her friends what she did to Chrissy.] Caitlin: [laughing] "You sent her to the rent-a-cop's office? That is so funny!" Nikki: "Thanks. I feel much better. But not better enough." Girl with Glasses: "Oh my gosh. You're the before girl!" [The girl points at the mall's jumboscreen, on which Nikki's face is framed.] Girl with Glasses: "Wow. You could totally use a makeover." ''[She walks away. Darth passes by in his speeder.]'' Nikki: "Hey Yoda! Do you have access to the high school phone directory?" Darth: "Yeah, why?" Nikki: "Because the Khaki Barn is about to have another 90% off sale." Darth: "And what do I get in return?" Nikki: [getting up] "Well, think of it as taking a chunk out of the evil Khaki empire that has defined your innate uncoolness." Darth: "Wise is your logic. Prepare for Darthination." [He moves off.] "Bweeeeebooooweeeeeeebweeeeee..." Caitlin: [chuckling] "You know everyone in school is going to go there." Jonesy: "That's my girl!"

''[Nikki is checking the time on her cell phone. Chrissy walks into the Khaki Barn, head down.]'' Nikki: "So, how'd the big interview go?" Chrissy: [grumpy] "I don't. Want. To talk about it." Nikki: "Ooh, snappish. That well, huh?" Kristen: [aggravated] "WHO KEEPS UNFOLDING MY SWEATERS?!?!?!?!?!?" Nikki: [strangely cheerful] "I. Don't. Know. Must be 'Unruly Shopper Day'." Chrissy: [annoyed] "Why do you keep looking at the time?" Nikki: [walking towards the exit] "Oh, because my break is about to begin in five, four, three, two, one, seeya." [As soon as Nikki says goodbye, a crowd of screaming teenage girls swarms into the store.]

''[Jonesy is leaning back in his desk. He takes a sip of his coffee and instantly spits it out.]'' Jonesy: "Alfonso! I said I wanted an extra-hot latte, not a kind-of hot one. Need I remind you that I'm from Corporate?" [Alfonso quickly takes the coffee away so he can replace it.] "Good. Now, let's approve some more loans. Who's next?"

[Nikki walks into the Khaki Barn, which is totally trashed from the unruly customers.] Nikki: "Hello?" [The Clones pop up from behind the counter, shaking and clutching each other for support.] Nikki: [yawning] "How's it going?" Kirsten: [shellshocked] "Sale. Big. Sale." Nikki: "Oh really?"

[Jen is still hocking her merchandise.] Jen: [with two coasters] "Look, they come in team colors! Blue for the Leafs, Red for the Raps, only one dollar each! I made them myself." ''[Jen's customer walks away, and she sighs. Coach Halder walks up to her.]'' Coach Halder: "Hey! Got a little cottage industry going there, Masterson? Hmm?" Jen: "But Coach, this is so unfair! I need the money!" Coach Halder: "You know the rules."

''[Jen growls. She's stuck in the penalty box once again. Nikki is still torturing the Clones at her workplace.]'' Nikki: "So, what happened to your dream job?" Chrissy: "I don't understand it. I thought Albatross & Finch wanted me." Nikki: "Oh wait. You mean you didn't get the message?" Chrissy: "What message?" Nikki: "One of those Greeter Gods dropped it off an hour ago." [She hands Chrissy a package.] Chrissy: [reading the note on top] "Congratulations, you passed the first test? No Albatross & Finch employee would ever wear a brown uniform! Put this outfit on and report directly to the store for the second part of your interview! EEEEEEEE!!!" Nikki: [smiling cagily] "Go get 'em, girl!"

[Everyone has taken out a loan, and the effects of mass consumerism are all around.] Jen: "Are you seeing this? It's a spending epidemic, and it's all Jonesy's fault! And what the heck is this?!?!?" [Jude is pushing a brand new sofa up to the table.] Jude: "Thought I'd make our table a little more comfortable." ''[Jen gapes and thunks her head on the table. Jude sinks into the couch.]'' "Ahhhh...yeah." [He starts watching a movie in his backpack.] Wyatt: "Nice! Can that be plugged into my amp?" Jude: "Can a fish blow bubbles out his butt? Hook it up, bra." [Wyatt picks up his amp to plug it in.] Jen: "Jude, did Jonesy happen to mention how this loan will affect your credit rating?" Jude: "Isn't credit a good thing?" Jen: "Yeah. As long as you pay it back quickly!" [worried] "He did tell you you had to pay it back, right?" Jude: "It's all under control. I'm gonna pay the bank back five bucks a month." Jen: "At that rate, you'll be twenty-eight by the time you're in the clear!" Jude: "Sweet." [Wyatt continues the movie, which now has an awesome sound system.] Jen: "Ugh! Jonesy!"

''[Two Greeter Gods are chilling at work when they gape. A gigantic albatross is walking towards them.]'' Chrissy: "Hi guys! I'm here for the job!" [They don't respond.] "The costume was a perfect fit! Is it some kind of ritual you do to new employees?" ''[No reply. Chrissy dances like an albatross.]'' "Bukawk buck buck bawk!" Blonde Greeter God: [confused] "Uh, is this a joke?" ''[Chrissy looks around and sees that the customers are all laughing at her. She suddenly realizes what happened.]'' Chrissy: "NIKKKKKIIIIIIIIII!!!"

[Jen parks her cart by an ATM.] Jen: "I give up. If everyone else is getting a loan from Jonesy, why shouldn't I go to Whistler too?" [While Jen walks towards the bank, Jonesy is approving loans for everyone.] Jonesy: [to Stone] "Approved!" [Stone leaves, and Jude walks up with a humongous soda.] "Buy that with the loan?" Jude: "You know it, dude." [The bank manager walks through the bank and over to Jonesy's station.] Jonesy: [in a deep voice] "Do you need something? You know my office is always open, Rebecca." Rebecca: "Since you started, our loans have increased by eight hundred and seventy percent." Jonesy: [normally] "So?" Rebecca: "Why are we giving loans to teens, Mr. Loansbury?" Jude: "Why?" ''[He puts his soda down. Pomp and Circumstance begins to play.]'' "I'll tell you why. Because teenagers are people too, dude. And we should have the right to borrow money so that we can buy sick stuff that we don't really need! Just like adults." Jen: [walking in] "What's going on?" Ax: "Ssh!" Jude: "Should you give money out to teens? Yes!" [The goths cheer.] "Will you get it back? Probably not, at least not until we're twenty-eight. We work, but they give us crappy jobs and we're too old for an allowance! Dudes, and dudettes of the bank, loan. Us. Your money!" [The crowd cheers Jude's speech.] Jonesy: "Go, dude, go!" Ed Loansbury: "What is going on in my bank?" [The cheering instantly stops.] Jonesy: "Who are you?" Ed Loansbury: "I'm Ed Loansbury from Corporate." [Rebecca looks at Jonesy angrily.] Jonesy: "If you're Mr. Loansbury, then...I better be going." [Rebecca hits him with a clipboard.] Ed Loansbury: "Was this kid impersonating me?" Jonesy: "I resent the term 'kid'." Ed Loansbury: [angry] "You! Are fired!" Jonesy: "But I don't even work here!" Jen: "I think it's time to get going?" [Jen, Jude, and Jonesy scram, leaving behind Jen's grocery cart.]

[Caitlin, Nikki, Jen, and Jonesy are laughing.] Caitlin: "So–this time you got fired from a job you didn't even have?" Jonesy: "I'm good at what I do." Jen: "Not good enough to give me a loan! I was this close to going to Whistler!" Jonesy: "Don't sweat it. The bank revoked the loans I gave out. Everyone has twenty-four hours to give back their purchases."

''[Inside the bank, there is a long line of teens. These teens are not happy. At the end are Wyatt and Jude, sitting on their couch with Jude's upgraded backpack.]'' Jude: "I am so bummed." Wyatt: [sighing] "Wanna watch Blackhawk Revenge one more time while we wait?" Jude: "Dude, you read my mind."

[Nikki's face is still on the jumboscreen.] Jen: "You're handling all of this really well." Nikki: "No worries. I've moved on." [Nikki has moved on by dressing Kristen and Kirsten in the embarrassing banana suits that were Jonesy's job uniform.] Kristen: [broken] "Go...bananas at the–Khaki Barn–spring sale." Kirsten: "Ape-mazing new styles...to choose from?" Darth: [walking by in his speeder] "Losers!"